SRS girlfriend losing second parent to cancer, advice appreciated.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Sirius, Jan 7, 2008.

  1. Sirius

    Sirius OT Supporter

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    Hey Asylum:sadwavey:

    Just got a call from my girlfriend, her dad was just rushed for emergeny surgery of some sorts to a hospital. I'm not sure what's actually wrong, and neither is she. She lost her mother to cancer several years ago, and her dad was diagnosed not too long ago with it as well. She's obviously very upset right now, and I did what I could over the phone.

    I've had a friend lose her mom to cancer, but this seems totally different. She's already been through all this with her mom, and now she knows eventually she'll probably have to go through it all with her dad. I have absolutely NO idea how to actually help her because the situation is so horrible. I couldn't imagine losing one parent prematurely, much less both of them. (She's only 19 as well, i'm 20)

    Can anyone give me any place to start. I know "being there for her" is what i'm going to have to do, I'm just in need of advice, and I feel helpless right now because she doesn't even fully know what happened to him, and I can't be there (in person) for her just now. I don't know if I should give her space or whatever. I can barely even focus on typing this right now, so sorry if it's incoherent.

    Any help is appreciated greatly, thanks OT
     
  2. Poundin Mounds

    Poundin Mounds New Member

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    Wirelessly posted via wap.offtopic.com (HTC Mogul: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows CE; IEMobile 6.12) Sprint:pPC6800)

    let her know that u r there for her
     
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    That's awful. The best thing you really can do is be there for her and remind her that you are there for her. If you are worried she maybe wants space then you need to tell her you are here for her and also tell her if she needs time to herself to just tell you and you will understand.
     
  4. Sirius

    Sirius OT Supporter

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    i actually found out through a voicemail, i returned her call immediately and told her I was thinking about her and her family and wishing for the best, etc. She was getting ready to leave for the hospital so I told her to finish getting ready, so it was a very quick phone call. It was just simply not the time to be on the phone, obviously. I told her I was there for her and I was sorry, but I never feel like that kind of stuff is enough, especially now that it's someone I'm dating and it's such a bad situation. I'm scared I'm going to get "that call" later and find out that he's gone. I'm not sure I'll have anything to say. Should i ask her what she wants me to do at that point? Or maybe give her some time?

    Thanks for the replies thus far guys.
     
  5. hbrown023

    hbrown023 New Member

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    Be with her as much as you can. Don't just say "if you need me to come over I can" just go over there..she probably won't ask you to do anything even if she wants you to.
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Yes. That's what I'm saying. You can call her and ask her if there's anything you can do for her. Do NOT just show up, some people deal with these things differently. You just call and tell her you can come up there to just be with her and see what she says. She might be stressed out enough and minght not want you there. I know when my best friend died I didn't want my bf around for a while.

    If you call her don't be upset if she doesn't answer. She might not have reception or might just be too emotionally involved at the moment. But you can still leave her a message telling her you are there for her and want to know if she needs you.
     
  7. Sirius

    Sirius OT Supporter

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    Oh, I'm 100% completely understanding if she wants to be alone or wants to be with her family. Thats what I would be doing. I just want her to know I'll do whatever I can to help, I'm just unsure of how to help. I'm sitting around doing like daily activities and she's on her way to the hospital, scared out of her mind. I just feel helpless sitting here, but I suppose there isn't much I can actually do than wait and react to the situation as best as I can to help her.

    On a side note, we've only been dating for like 2 months, and I've never met her family (That was supposed to be over xmas break, in fact, probably next weekend. (We're in college, family is kind of far away) I feel like I would have no place just showing up at the hospital or something during their time of mourning. *edit* assuming he takes a turn for the worst..

    I even prayed today, i hope someone was listening...
     
  8. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    be there for her
     
  9. Sirius

    Sirius OT Supporter

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    Haven't heard anything else yet :wtc:
     
  10. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Have you called her?
     
  11. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    god i hope hes called her
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Sounds like he's waiting for her to call him....which I hope he's not.

    Like I said earlier, he should at least call her. If she doesn't answer there's most likely a really good reason, but at least he would have called and left a message.
     
  13. Sirius

    Sirius OT Supporter

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    I called her immediately after I got the message, when she was in a mad rush to get to the hospital. (~11 am?) It's now 3 pm.

    I was thinking it was better If I waited a bit, but sounds like I should give her a call right now? I don't know what to do.
     
  14. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Oh yeah man. You should definitely call her right now. Again, if she doesn't answer don't stress. Just leave her a nice message that she can call you if she needs company, etc.
     
  15. Sirius

    Sirius OT Supporter

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    I did it right after I posted, No answer. Told her I hoped she was doing fine and everything was ok, and I was thinking about her. Just a quick message, probably forgot to say somethings I could have but I'm nervous right now
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    It's ok. This must be really hard considering you guys are new to dating...If he passes it's going to be a rough road. Here's to hoping he gets better for her sake.
     
  17. Sirius

    Sirius OT Supporter

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    Just got off the phone with her. Apparently it was a blood clot in his leg. He is in surgery at the moment.
    I asked her if she wanted me to do anything at all for her, she just said she liked that I was checking up on her, and she wanted to see me soon. The hospital is about 2 hrs away from where I am ( I think) but we never discussed it further because the family was getting a call to update them on his status. If it was me, I would probably handle it by just being with family or being by myself, I wouldn't really want anyone else there. I'm not sure exactly what she's thinking or what she wants me to do because we didn't really have time to discuss it. I feel weird asking "Do you want me to come to the hospital?" or something like that. I would also never tell her that I think she should be with her family or anything like that. If she wants me to drive there, I'll do it. I just don't know what to do right now. I guess I can only wait. I couldn't imagine he would really want me there either. There is a chance that he may lose a limb. She did get to see him and said he looked ok, but kinda beaten up. I'm not sure now if I should wait to call her later, or let her call me, or what. She sounded "down," but not nearly as emotional as when I talked to her this morning. It seems to be a bitter sweet situation because the family had no real idea what was going on when I talked to her first. It seems like he should be doing ok, but I don't know how risky a blood clot and its surgery really is. i'll look into it after this post.
    This other phone call from the people giving them updates makes me a bit nervous because I'm paranoid by nature, but I doubt they would pass on any bad news via the phone

    I had a better post typed out, but then I closed the window by accident so I lost whatever I was typing. Hope i didn't forget details

    my mother is a nurse and is advising to just give her some space, plus she may have to have her phone off while in the hospital.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2008
  18. AtoorayasGrl

    AtoorayasGrl New Member

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    When my mom passed away a couple of months ago, all I wanted to do was be surrounded by people- whether that was family, friends or my boyfriend. People deal with it differently. God forbid, but if her dad passes away, try to be there for her by giving her a call randomly, sending her nice e-mails, etc. She may not write back or give you a call back, but don't take it personally. I can only imagine what is going through her mind when she's at the hospital cause everytime I went I got sick to my stomach seeing my mom on her death bed. I think the biggest thing that helped me was just knowing that I always had someone to talk to and cry. My boyfriend doesn't know how to deal with death, but the best thing that he did for me was to let me cry it all out and hold me. I know that you cannot physically be there for her right now, but just have to let her realize that you care. There will be times when she will get anxious and might start lashing out at you randomly, but just let her vent. Once again, that's how I felt, she may deal with it completely different. Just make sure she knows that you're her shoulder to cry on and that she can call you at anytime she needs to talk. Like it was mentioned earlier on, do not wait for her to call...send her text's here and there just to let her know that you are thinking about her. Hope this somewhat helps... It's not going to be easy and you are going to feel helpless at times, but for now try to look on the bright side that you did not get that call from her. Just be prepared though.
     
  19. AtoorayasGrl

    AtoorayasGrl New Member

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    Ok, well that's good news. I just read your post. Still though, take the advice. I'm not sure if going to the hospital would be a good thing since you have never met her family and I know my dad felt weird having my boyfriend come to the hospital. (Even though we've been dating for over 5 years) Maybe ask her if you can swing by and take her out to get something to eat really quick or bring her something. I know it's 2 hours away, but that might be something you want to discuss with her.
     
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You've done plenty hun, don't stress about whether you should call her again or go to the hospital, etc. She already told you she's ok and just glad you are checking up on her. At this time she is surrounded by family and to be honest probably doesn't want the stress of you coming right now. It would most likely be different if you'd been together a long time, but this is hardly the situation she wants you to come meet her family in, you know what I mean?

    Just relax and let her call you from now on.
     
  21. Sirius

    Sirius OT Supporter

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    awesome advice, thanks alot to everyone in this thread. It's helping me get through today more confidently, but it's tough to now that what i'm feeling isnt even a fraction of what she's going through. I'll do what I can to make sure she knows I'm always here. it's no secret that I care alot about her, she was just talking about it the other day. i'm going to do my best to help her :hs:
     
  22. Sirius

    Sirius OT Supporter

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    I know EXACTLY what you mean. Thanks:hs:
     
  23. Sirius

    Sirius OT Supporter

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    she called once more, fairly emotional. She said it seemed like her dad was in alot of pain and the doctors seemed to give kind of "heartless" (im thinking vague) answers. I'm not really sure of the extent of what is going on right now, and I don't think she is either. She said she thought she was going to faint or throw up when she was in there so she had to go outside and called me. She just wants me to be available to talk tonight and hopefully I could see her "some time this week." I hope he is doing fine and it she is just very emotional right now.
     
  24. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Yeah, the hardest part of having a loved on in the hospital is the vague answers/updates from the doctor. But trust me, you are doing her a huge favor just by being available for her when she calls to talk.
     
  25. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    Offer to be there for her, tell her you are gona push to be with her so she isnt alone. Even if you sit in another room and surf the net while she cries and watches TV.
     

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