Girlfriend Issues v.Her Ex

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Bcr821, Mar 20, 2009.

  1. Bcr821

    Bcr821 New Member

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    Ok so here's a short synopsis about everything. Her ex and her were friends for a long time before they started dating, around 7 or 8 years of being best friends. They ended up dating for about 3 years after that, they broke up, we're dating, and they are still friends.

    I've never been one to be very possessive or jealous over him, she is very open about when they talk, what they talk about, how often they talk, and she always asks my permission about when they hang out.

    My main issue is that it really does bother me when they hang out and talk. My g/f knows this and still does it but has slowed down tremendously. I never tell her no to them hanging out because of 2 reasons:

    1) I don't want her to not hang out or talk with him because of me, and i've told her this. I want her to not want to talk to him because of how he treated her and because he's a douche. They broke up and got back together once and while they were together he was a total douche and really mean and abusive (not physically). When they broke up he's tried to be the perfect guy by being all nice and "amazing" and then when they got back together he was right back as to how he was. Now that they aren't together he's being his nice guy self again and I feel, as well as everyone else feels, that he is not over her at all. Bottom line I want her to not hang out with him or talk with him because she doesn't want to, not because of me.

    2) He is her longest running friend. They have been friends for over 10 years and all her other friends haven't been around nearly as long, and/or no longer her friend, and whenever we have this stupid fight she always gets teary eyed, cries, and i feel horrible because he really does mean so much to her. It bothers me because I feel like i should replace those feelings as well as my family replace the place his family holds in her heart. She says that his family was like her second family for a long time. She moved to GA to be with him from WA and lived with them for a while.

    We honestly never fight except over this but i really cannot stand telling her to not talk to or hang out with her only friend from childhood who means so much to her. I cannot stand seeing her cry. I really want her to be happy and she seems to be happy that they talk but it really does bother me. I put her happiness over this stupid little problem because she means so much to me.

    Her cheating is out of the question. I know she isn't cheating on me because of the fact i see and know when the talk, what they talk about, when they hang out. She's with me when she's not at work and the only time she's not with me is when she's with one of our friends. She only sees him like once a week which i told her is very generous because she'd be hard pressed to find a boy who would let her hang out with her ex once a week, even with someone i trust as a "chaperon."

    I don't want to keep fighting with her and we're just at the point where it's really starting to become a problem. As i see it i have 2 options. Either suck it up or put my foot down. This is more of a vent than anything else but I just really don't know what to do. I know that if i told her to she would completely stop talking to him but as i said before i don't want her to do it because of me. I want her to not talk to him because she doesn't want to, not because i make her.

    Sorry, I've had a few :beer:s and I'm mostly venting than anything else. I know it's long but I'd appreciate anyone that read it and post their opinions or suggestions. :hsd:
     
  2. Joybang

    Joybang New Member

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    If its an issue where he is trying to get her back and she doesn't think that's a problem then you have every right to put your foot down.
     
  3. Bcr821

    Bcr821 New Member

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    It's not so much that i think he's trying to get her back but that he's not over her, being the "good guy" and waiting for her and I to break up so then he could have been the guy that was always there for her.

    He's kind of pathetic. Pretty sure he lied about having cancer to try to get her back when they broke up originally.
     
  4. Joybang

    Joybang New Member

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    Idk, then. Its really a tough call because they were friends for so long before. But if his actions are starting to cause a rift in your relationship then you can't sit on your hands.
     
  5. Bcr821

    Bcr821 New Member

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    That's true. However he's not really doing anything wrong honestly. It's more that it kind of bothers me and it is building up over time until i just get really upset about it. I talk to her about it and she gets really upset because they have been friends for so long and they mean so much to each other, romantic interests aside.
     
  6. Bcr821

    Bcr821 New Member

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    Well my laptop is dieing and I should go to bed. I'll check back on the thread in the morning. Thanks for letting me vent OT.

    I'm not really looking for a solution to the problem, and the problem probably is just me being insecure.
     
  7. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    :rofl: Don't fool yourself, man. You aren't just concerned about her standing up for herself. You don't want them talking for your own selfish reasons. That's perfectly normal and perfectly okay. But you have to face it, if you didn't think her hanging out with him effected you in any way shape or form, then it wouldn't bother you this much. Well either that or you're co-dependent like a mother fucker and take on other people's shit. But when it comes to matters of exs I'm betting on normal everyday jealousy.

    That said, you have every right to have a problem with it. And you left out option #3: leave. Obviously you don't consider that an option, but let me tell you- most guys would never have let this shit get as far as you have. They have SERIOUS history, like the kind of history that doesn't ever go away. I don't care what has happened in the last 6 months, 3 years, whatever- they're not "just friends".

    And for the love of God, don't ever say "cheating is out of the question". Cheating is never out of the question. You trust her? Great! But you sit a line of cocaine in front of recovering addict and eventually they're going to inhale it. This ex is someone your woman loves. LOVES. She's loved him for longer than she's even known you. It's great that she is a trustworthy person and hopefully she never will cheat. But she is human and humans make mistakes. In my opinion, YOU will be making a mistake if you stay in a relationship where you have to share your girlfriend.

    You have to ask yourself- what is she getting from him that she isn't from you and why does she feel the need to get it from him?
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I'm going to say all that needs to be said:

    Love her and trust her for exactly who she is or break up and find someone new.

    It's that simple.
     
  9. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    :werd: She shouldn't ever be allowed to date and society should treat her like a leper as long as she still maintains a friendship with someone she has a lot of history with. You should dump her right now because obviously she's going to cheat and you can't trust her :ugh:




    Though to be serious just suck it up. If you really do trust her then just accept it and try to live with it... because right now if you think about it he's accomplishing exactly what he wants... he's driving a wedge between you two.

    Plus having the same argument over and over will eventually be the end of you two. Most people are insecure (see the post I just quoted :rofl:) and are ruled by their own thoughts/feelings (vs being in charge of their own thoughts/feelings), so it's understandable, but not healthy for you, your gf, or your relationship. Don't take issue with their friendship until their is an issue.
     
  10. JamesL

    JamesL wat

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    This was kinda my thought as well... seems as though you are having to share your girlfriend with this guy. Doesn't seem right, IMO.

    I can't say it is the type of thing I would be comfortable with... and I am really relaxed when it comes to my gf hanging out with friends, guys, etc. :dunno:
     
  11. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    :rolleyes: Heaven forbid someone be ruled by their own thoughts and feelings... :hsugh:

    You really think it's healthy to be best friends with an ex that you've been close to for over a decade?
     
  12. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Having guy friends is one thing. But where do you draw the line between friendship and more than friendship? Obviously sex is a no no, but what else? You can't tell me that they have no romantic feelings for each other. They'd be inhuman not to after everything they've been through together.
     
  13. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    My personal opinion: I would dump because I would get too jealous/ wouldnt trust the situation.
     
  14. Bcr821

    Bcr821 New Member

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    I do ask myself this, I've also asked her this. What she tells me is that it is her only real tie to her childhood she has. Her mom lives in WA, her dad is over seas in Iraq and she has nothing other than him to remind her of her family and her past. They were very good friends when her parents got divorced and he is really all she has left of that. It's kind of a stretch but i believe her and that's why i feel horrible asking her to cut all ties.

    Yes, there always is an option to leave. I know that. I don't consider it an option now because the situation hasn't reached a point to where i feel like it is an appropriate reaction. I consider that a last resort kind of thing.

    Yes, cheating is really never out of the question. I meant right now there is absolutely nothing shady going on. The first time i catch her in a lie about seeing him, I'm gone. She knows that. As long as she's completely open about when she sees him and when she talks to him, I'm honestly ok with the setup we have.
     
  15. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    ...Yeah. I was out with one last night (not a decade though - 7 years in my case), and we actually talked about this exact thing because she can't tell her bf because he'll freak. I will have no issue mentioning it to the girl I'm seeing because if she freaks that's her issue. Heaven forbid someone actually have some control over their own actions and be a responsible enough person to not cheat (or do a line of coke in front of them).... some people actually hold themselves to a higher standard and are in control of their life, not have life control them (read = make excuses for poor judgment/actions because you aren't strong enough to be a responsible human being)

    And don't get me wrong... I know most people are probably like you. But that doesn't mean being an insecure little bitch is right. Ending a relationship because your girlfriend hasn't done anything wrong besides be a good friend to someone who is important to her is sad. But probably the best for her... so she can move on and find someone a little more mentally stable.
     
  16. Bcr821

    Bcr821 New Member

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    I do love her for exactly who she is and that is why I haven't broken up with her.

    The issues seem to be a direct result of my insecurities and last night we both got drunk and just got into it. I had gotten upset at her earlier in the night and then gotten over it. She got more drunk and just started getting upset with me over stupid shit so out it came as a defense because i was drunk. :hs:

    All of this really isn't that big of a deal in our relationship, and it's something i know i can live with. Sometimes it just kind of pops out
     
  17. Bcr821

    Bcr821 New Member

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    This is good advice. Every time we've had a fight about it i honestly feel like if he could see us he would be smiling at himself. I've caught him spreading lies about me to 3-4 of my closest female friends and making them turn on me. It wasn't until i sat them down and talked to them that they figured out i was not what he said and he just spread those lies out of malicious intent.

    I understand that i need to be in charge of my own feelings, and i don't ever want to have the fight. The incident last night was alcohol induced and I've never had an argument about it when I and/or she was sober. If i have an issue and we both are sober we have an adult conversation about it and we come to a resolution.

    I try not to take issue with the whole situation unless there is a reason and as i said before last night was just alcohol induced and i was mostly venting :hsd:
     
  18. Bcr821

    Bcr821 New Member

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    They aren't best friends. They talk a few times a week (2-3 text conversations) and MAYBE see each other once a week.
     
  19. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    they are still pretty good friends
     
  20. Bcr821

    Bcr821 New Member

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    I draw the line if she treats him any differently than any other one of her friends. Its undoubted that he doesn't have romantic feelings for her. She is friends with him because she misses the friend he used to be and it's comforting, familiar, and reminds her of home when she talks to and hangs out with him.

    She does not miss him in a romantic since. He was an abusive boyfriend (verbal and slightly physical) and she has no desire to get herself wrapped back up in that.
     
  21. Bcr821

    Bcr821 New Member

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    True, I was just saying they aren't best friends
     
  22. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    I agree with Beer. It's something you're gonna have to either accept and try not to bring up again (unless there's some change in her behavior with him that warrents it being brought up), or realize that it's just not something you're willing to handle and break up. It seems like you really like her though.

    How did you guys meet? Is her ex one of your mutual friends? Did you meet her in the middle of this ex drama or was it well after they'd broken up and she just happened to stay in Georgia instead of moving back to wherever (forgot where you said she was from).
     
  23. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I don't really get the whole 'link to the past' thing. If my only friend that I still had from childhood was an abusive prick, I'd be happy to kick him to the curb and move on. Why is it she needs to have that connection?
     
  24. Bcr821

    Bcr821 New Member

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    Like me? I don't let my insecurities run my life. I've never once told her to not hang out with him or talk to him. I honestly don't have a big problem with it. Over the course of our year relationship it's gotten nothing but easier and I know that it will all go away as i come to peace with it.

    I said it before and I'll say it again. This isn't a huge deal in our relationship and it's done nothing but get better and better as we have grown as a couple. Last night she got black out drunk and got upset with me because we were all hanging out and i told him a secret (which i told her what i said) and for some reason she went off on me. We woke up today and she completely apologized about the whole situation last night.
     
  25. Bcr821

    Bcr821 New Member

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    She was a military brat and moved around. Her ex was and is a mutual friend of ours and our group of friends

    I agree with beer too. I really have accepted it and i can live with it and last night was just an exception. I will voice my opinion if i disagree with what she's doing and for the most part it's a very adult conversation about what should happen. If i don't want him to do something with her for whatever reason I'll tell her calmly and she'll understand and agree. She doesn't ever see him or anything unless i approve of it first. I didn't ask her to run it all by me, she does it out of respect
     

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