Girlfriend Issues, please help

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by IslanderOffRoad, Mar 18, 2006.

  1. IslanderOffRoad

    IslanderOffRoad Do you even lift kit? OT Supporter

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    Background: I'm 21, she's 20, we've been dating for a year and a half.

    She has her own apt. I live at home. A few months back a friend of hers moved in with her in order to cut living expenses. That lasted about a month before problems started and at the end of 05 she ended up kicking her friend out, losing a majority of her friends because they all sided with the roommate.

    We're both students, she works 2 jobs, and I work 1 plus an internship, so time is an issue for both of us.

    Ever since she lost her friends she's been increasingly trying to take up all of my free time. I try to see her 2 nights a week, but she always wants more, or gets upset when I want to change plans to see a friend I haven't seen in a while.

    The last 2 weeks in a row I've had friday night breakdowns from her about how her life sucks, she has no friends, no money (becuase of apt.) and all she does is work and go home and can't sleep. I've been told numerous times since January that I'm the only good thing in her life.

    She just left here crying. She had been crying about the no friend issue earlier, and didn't want to talk to me about it. I asked her to leave a few hours later because I was tired/falling asleep. She went to the bathroom before leaving and when I kissed her goodbye her face was wet again. I asked her if she was crying and she lied to me and said no. Said she didn't know why she was crying, she just was.

    Its getting to the point where I can't take the pressure anymore, however I worry about her alot. I worry about what she'll do if I break up with her if "the only good thing" in her life goes away. I know thats not healthy for me, and lately I've found that I'd much rather spend time with my friends than her because of the clingyness. I've tried talking to her and it helps for a few weeks, then starts building back up.

    What do I do to get her to stop being clingy? What do I do to not get guilt tripped about my friends? How do I get something else to have meaning to her? This is not a position I want to be in anymore.

    Thanks.

    Cliffs: If you can't read it, you wont provide help anyway.
     
  2. krott5333

    krott5333 Guest

    tell the bitch to move back in with her parents..

    too many people are like "ohhh, im 21, society expects me to live on my own now"

    its a big waste of money..

    I'm 22, living at home, free rent, free food, laundry is done, life is good.
     
  3. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Being miserable when you should be in the prime of your life isn't the way you should be. Yes, she would be crushed if you broke up with her, but her heart would heal and she would move on.

    It bothers me to see people stay in bad relationships because they are worried about hurting the other person. Then, before know it, they are tangled up in a complex web of obligations and bills, and would be almost impossible to break up because of their obligations.

    It sounds cold, but if you aren't crazy about the girl and you don't see a future, drop her before it gets too bad.
     
  4. IslanderOffRoad

    IslanderOffRoad Do you even lift kit? OT Supporter

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    I've said it tons of times. Her parents are divorced, dad lives in another state and pushed her to move out... then he started slacking on giving her money to help her which put her in the position she's in now.

    She refuses to move back with mom becuase there's no privacy. I live at home (used to live in dorms) and told her moving back isnt that bad.
     
  5. Guardfather

    Guardfather The Paradox

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    Words of wisdom.
     
  6. low20

    low20 Member

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    why doesnt she go out when you go out...if ur out with your friends she should go out with hers. surley she has SOME friends even after the whole situation, those were her only friends? come on now. if not, she goes to school, why doesn she have friends from school. sucks..maybe she should move or something to save money, then she wont have 2 jobs, then she can make new friends and not be so clingy
     
  7. IslanderOffRoad

    IslanderOffRoad Do you even lift kit? OT Supporter

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    She has a few good friends left, and she either says they're working, or boring, or don't like to go out.

    I can understand her not having school friends as I don't have many either, I live an hour away from my school.
     
  8. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    You don't love her. You aren't doing her any favors by sticking around.

    You may not have a lot of time but for someone who has been together as long as you have, 2 nights a week is not a serious relationship anyways. When you love someone there is always time. That is why she's crying. She's crying because granted she has a lot of stresses right now but she's looking to you for her stability right now and I gather that you just aren't up for that. You don't seem interested in anything serious.

    I was in her position before. I know what she's going through and it will take her a long time to get through that. The problem is she can't be healthy in a relationship if she can't be healthy by herself. This includes friends. You shouldn't depend on people to make you happy. It took me a long time to get to the point where I realized that and I'm happy to say that I did get through all that. It's a growing experience.

    BUT I don't think I could have realized that being with someone though.

    Even if you aren't "together" that doesn't mean you can't still be friends. You can still be there for her. You really need to sit down with her and talk to her about this. A real conversation. You don't need to make her feel worse by pointing fingers or blaming her, but you need to let her know where things stand if you aren't into it. She needs to know that, and she needs to know why.
     
  9. N-Word-Jim

    N-Word-Jim Cure for boredom

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    Yeah, I just can't see the whole 2 day a week thing being that serious. People need time apart, but it sounds like you're both so busy already that you get lots of time apart :) I have to agree with Epiphany.
     
  10. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Have you talked to her about it? Personally, I think if you have not told her straight out to stop acting like a big baby (yes, it's VERY harsh, and it probably won't go over well at first, but she seems like she needs a reailty check ... and the TRUTH from you) then she's just going to keep doing it.

    My opinion is that she is using this as a form of control to maintain the relationship with you. She cries, you feel bad, she gets the attention she wants. I would personally say "Hey, this is not cool. If you want to hang out with me, you need to get yourself together so we can have a good time together. I don't want to be your therapist." You also need to tell her that if she has no friends, then she needs to start acting more social, more mature, and meet some new people.

    All I am saying is that you talk to her and tell her the TRUTH about how you feel. Yes, it will upset her. No, don't kiss her ass and back down. I am not saying be cruel about it, but be calm, mature, as kind as possible ... but do tell her.

    People have bad days. But sounds like she's using this as an attention getting ploy. I've had this problem in the past and I quite frankly have told her "Your behavior is not attractive, and I don't like it. If yuo really like me, you'll get your act together. Yes, I will be here to help, but not if this is going to be an ongoing thing."

    And as mentioned, if she really is not a woman you love, then you do need to dump her. Tell her it's because of her behavior so she knows what she needs to improve on in the futuer.

    Me? I'd give her the harsh reality check and tell her to get her act together. Give it a few weeks, and go from there. If rent is so bad, she needs to get a new roommate, a smaller place, shut off the cell phone or cable TV or something, etc. If all you hear is excuses and no attempts to fix it, then tell her "I don't want to hear about it unless you're doing something to make it better."

    Good luck.
     
  11. IslanderOffRoad

    IslanderOffRoad Do you even lift kit? OT Supporter

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    I'd say its pretty serious. The time i'm not spending with her is spent doing homework/working/sleeping/commuting. Half the week I'm not even close by enough to make us able to spend more time together. If I were out doing what I wanted those days I'd be more than willing to spend more time with her.
     
  12. IslanderOffRoad

    IslanderOffRoad Do you even lift kit? OT Supporter

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    I dont understand how you can say that. I don't have the time to give. I don't think she exactly does either.
     
  13. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    From a girls perspective... or really anyone who really feels those sparks and genuinely cares about the relationship making it ^^ this is what I'm saying.

    I already read that loud and clear.

    Sometimes those certain filler words tell it all. ;) You're just not into it. You may care about her as a person but you aren't communicating. You're disinterested in making it work and that's completely understandable with where things stand right now.

    I wasn't saying anything negative about you. I was just saying that if it's there, it's there, and if it's not you aren't doing her any favors by sticking around in the relationship. She needs to find herself and be content on her own. No one else can provide someone elses happiness.

    If you are worried about her now, what happens if you wake up tomorrow and on your way to work you get into an accident and die? What would she do? How would she deal with that? You've pretty much already stated the answer but she shouldn't depend on you to the point where there is a question. She needs to know that the fact that that is a question is not attractive. Confidence and independence are attractive. The love and relationship part should just be the icing on the cake.
     
  14. IslanderOffRoad

    IslanderOffRoad Do you even lift kit? OT Supporter

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    thanks, that made more sense.
     

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