Girlfriend Issues (LONG - Yahoo Convo Included)

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Sybian, Apr 10, 2006.

  1. Sybian

    Sybian She's with me...

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    I know this post is long but I really need some help. Let me set the scene.

    I've known my girlfriend for about 9 months. We talk about marriage and having a life together. Our relationship has been perfect, i mean perfect up to this point. We're on the phone every single night and if we aren't together or talking we're AIM'ing or on Yahoo IM chatting. Pretty much inseperable. There is a ton of love there, and mutual trust until now.

    3 months ago she left for Europe. She's studying abroad out there. 2 weeks ago I went to visit before she returns in late April. We went to Paris together and had a great time. I returned to the states and this past weekend she took a trip with her class group to the countryside. An issue arose while she was there...

    (CLIFFS - Apparently she got very drunk while playing a board game with a bunch of classmates and held hands with some guy. He tried to feel up her leg twice, but she stopped him each time.)

    Read more to find out what happened:

    Sybian: I want to know. Did more happen? Don't lie to me “Girl”
    “Girl”: nothing.
    “Girl”: I swear to God
    “Girl”: you can ask anyone who was there
    “Girl”: we were just sitting around a board game
    “Girl”: nothing else happened
    “Girl”: I would not lie
    “Girl”: I would not tell you half of anything. If I was going to lie I would have just said nothing at all.
    Sybian: I just can't talk to you right now.
    Sybian: I don't know.
    “Girl”: I understand.
    Sybian: I can't sleep I can't do anything after this
    “Girl”: neither can I.
    Sybian: Like why would you let that happen? You always said alcohol isn't an excuse
    “Girl”: All I can promise is that I never thought anything inappropriate or meant anything inappropriate. I don't even know why I let him hold my hand...I don't know.
    “Girl”: I know, and it isn't
    “Girl”: I dont know what on earth made me think it was okay and meaningless, but I did.
    “Girl”: And I'm so sorry for that. The moment he began to try to do more, I pushed him away. Because I knew that that wasn't meaningless.
    Sybian: Your friend, she just met me and she didn't stop you
    “Girl”: But to me at that moment it meant nothing
    “Girl”: she was on the other side
    “Girl”: she couldn't see me
    Sybian: she shouldn't have to. I can't believe this.
    “Girl”: I'm so sorry
    “Girl”: it was only for a few minutes, and I know that doesn't make a difference.
    Sybian: 1/4 second i dont care
    “Girl”: at the time, I just didn't see anything inappropriate in it. I do now. That's all I know.
    Sybian: you were drunk
    “Girl”: yes.
    Sybian: of course you didn't
    Sybian: i told you about that too
    “Girl”: I know
    “Girl”: I should have listened to you. I know that.
    Sybian: this alcohol, these fucking guys
    Sybian: these situations
    Sybian: i thought you knew better
    “Girl”: and I do. and I knew enough to push his arm away when he tried to feel me up. I don't know why the hand holding didn't trigger some thoughts in me
    “Girl”: but it just didn.
    “Girl”: t
    Sybian: what was it like fingers locked?
    “Girl”: if it had, if I'd thought "this will hurt Sybian" I would have stopped
    Sybian: finish typing
    “Girl”: sorry, I was typing something else. fingers locked? No, his hand was just on mine mostly...fingers locked for like a second but then I had to take my turn and not anymore
    “Girl”: why?
    “Girl”: why does that matter?
    Sybian: it matters
    “Girl”: okay.
    “Girl”: I'm sorry, love. I'm so sorry.
    Sybian: your fingers locked thats more intimate and they were. i love your hands, i can't look at it the same
    “Girl”: honey, they were locked for like a second, then I pulled away to roll the dice, and when I put my hand down he grabbed back onto it
    “Girl”: but not locked
    Sybian: someone else touching them
    “Girl”: I don't know why, I just thought of him like I think of my gay best friends, and I don't know why. I think it's cuz he looks a little like Patrick and I'd thought he was gay up to that point. I don't know why. I don't know. That doesn't make it okay, and i know that. But that was part of why I didn't think about it
    Sybian: Its not ok
    “Girl”: I know that.
    Sybian: Like this is really, really bad
    “Girl”: And I'm sorry.
    “Girl”: I can't do or say anything else.
    Sybian: And I don't know what to do.
    “Girl”: I didn't cheat on you. I would never cheat on you. I just wasn't thinking.
    “Girl”: And that is terrible, and I will chastise myself for it for quite some time.
    “Girl”: But there was nothing more than not thinking about what was going on.
    Sybian: I woudln't do that no matter how drunk. High, whatever. I would never put you, or our relationship out there like that.
    Sybian: i just can't understand how you forgot me
    “Girl”: I know that.
    “Girl”: I'm sorry.
    “Girl”: I didn't forget you!!
    Sybian: You didn't think about me at all right tne
    Sybian: then
    “Girl”: I even thought at one point how I missed you. In my mind, I just didn't relate the hand holding thing at all
    “Girl”: and I don't know why
    “Girl”: I don't know
    “Girl”: I'm stupid
    Sybian: this is the type of thing that im talking about when i say "will you forget me?"
    “Girl”: I don't forget you.
    “Girl”: I don't.
    “Girl”: Ever.
    “Girl”: r
    “Girl”: Ever.
    “Girl”: I have never for one moment since I met you forgot you.
    Sybian: He have his arm around you?
    Sybian: d
    “Girl”: no.
    “Girl”: of course not.
    Sybian: I don't know what else to say. You wouldn't lie to me?
    “Girl”: No.
    “Girl”: I swear to you.
    Sybian: Tell me part of this story to see how hot I get?
    “Girl”: No lies.
    “Girl”: Ever
    “Girl”: No.
    “Girl”: If I tell the truth, I tell it. And I always tell you the entire truth about everything.
    “Girl”: I knew this would make you mad. But I still told you.
    “Girl”: I would not only tell you half
    “Girl”: I swear to you. I love you. I would never, ever lie to you.
    “Girl”: I don't think I could.
    Sybian: Anything else happen on this trip I may need to know?
    “Girl”: no.
    “Girl”: The rest of the time I was just with Regina
    “Girl”: Nothing else has ever happened the whole time I've dated you. I swear to that.
    Sybian: I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you.. .
    Sybian: Its just not supposed to happen.
    “Girl”: I'm sorry, love. I don't know why I let him hold my hand
    “Girl”: i don't know
    “Girl”: it was just a thoughtless, careless, meaningless thing
    Sybian: how long did this go on for?
    “Girl”: I think under 5 minutes. I would guess 3, but I didn't have a watch or a clock.
    “Girl”: It could have been less. I didn't have much sense of time.
    “Girl”: Actually it probably was less than 3.
    Sybian: i mean i feel funny if a female co-worker pats me on the back
    Sybian: and you're holding some dudes hand for 3 minutes?
    “Girl”: I'm sorry.
    Sybian: so what happens when you're back at school, drinking and being around all of those drunk/high horny guys?
    Sybian: I thought no one was ever attracted to you
    “Girl”: I don't drink at School.
    “Girl”: I thought that too.
    Sybian: bs
    Sybian: come on
    “Girl”: what?
    Sybian: You know that people are
    “Girl”: I don't think that very many people are.
    Sybian: doesn't matter
    Sybian: i don't know
    “Girl”: No, it doesn't.
    Sybian: what do you want me to do
    “Girl”: Be mad at me. That's what I'd do, I'm sure.
    “Girl”: Make me hate myself more than I already do.
    “Girl”: Try and forgive me eventually.
    “Girl”: Don't stop loving me.
    Sybian: I can't do that.
    “Girl”: Because you are my everything.
    “Girl”: my everything.
    Sybian: That's what keeps me upset.
    Sybian: If I didn't I'd shrug this off
    “Girl”: I don't know why I thought it was meaningless and not something that I should react to, I just didn't. I don't know. I hate myself for it. It doesn't make any sense...I swear I didn't even find this guy attractive in the least..it wasn't like I'd been flirting with him or anything at all. He just took my hand and I didn't pull away. which is crap. And I don't know what I was thinking, or why I wasn't thinking. But all I think about is you. And I swear that.
    “Girl”: You are the only thing that I am sure of.
    “Girl”: And I'm so sorry.
    “Girl”: I stopped thinking for 3 minutes. Then I snapped back.
    “Girl”: I don't know why.
    “Girl”: I know that I'd never let anything like it happen again.
    Sybian: You snapped because he started groping you. what would have happened if he was smooth
    “Girl”: smooth? you are my love.
    “Girl”: smooth doesn't matter.
    Sybian: i mean any “Girl” is going to react the way you did to being touch inappropriately
    Sybian: what happened if the hand holding continued to feel ok
    “Girl”: well it's not like he reached out and grobbed me
    Sybian: thats what im worried about
    “Girl”: itwouldn't have
    “Girl”: I promise
    “Girl”: I just wasn't really paying attention to anything
    “Girl”: as soon as I thought of you, I inched away, which was when he tried to feel up my leg
    “Girl”: and when I pushed him away
    Sybian: where on your leg and how?
    “Girl”: he tried to slide his hand up my leg on the top of my thigh over my sweatpants
    “Girl”: but I grabbed his hand and put it back on the ground
    Sybian: and then?
    “Girl”: and then a few minutes later he started to try again, and same thing, and he gave up.
    “Girl”: or at least he didn't try anything else.
    Sybian: so he touched your leg twice?
    Sybian: i need this entire scene in my head
    “Girl”: yes, the top of my sweatpants and never got further than like tow inches above my knee
    “Girl”: *two
    “Girl”: cuz I pushed him off
    Sybian: on your right or left?
    “Girl”: right
    Sybian: with his left?
    “Girl”: yes
    Sybian: so he moved down from your waist to your knee?
    “Girl”: just looking forward at the game as though nothing was happening
    “Girl”: no, he started an inch above my knee, moved up the tiniest bit before I grabbed his hand immediately
    “Girl”: the next time, even quicker on my part, because I saw it coming earlier
    Sybian: That I'm not really mad about because that was involuntary... But the hand holding.
    Sybian: I can't get past it.
    “Girl”: I am so sorry.
    “Girl”: I don't understand what was going on in my mind, but I saw nothing non-platonic about it.
    “Girl”: And I know that's untrue, obviously
    Sybian: Like how well did you know this person?
    “Girl”: but I wasn't like trying to do anything wrong, I swear.
    “Girl”: I'd seen him on the hike because he was in another part of the group and then I saw him then, and we had all been playing games for a while before he grabbed my hand
    “Girl”: then=that night
    Sybian: Just a total stranger?
    Sybian: How does that equate to one of your gay best friends?
    “Girl”: I mean, we'd talked during the games and had been just talking and laughing.
    Sybian: This is like so uncool.
    “Girl”: I don't know. I thought he was gay. Then I realized he wasn't. But I know that makes no difference, because I didn't know whether he was.
    “Girl”: I just assumed b/c of his mannerisms.
    “Girl”: I know it's uncool.
    “Girl”: I know that.
    Sybian: When will you realize not everyone in theater is gay. Not all guys are just out to hang out and talk?
    “Girl”: I know.
    “Girl”: I'm sorry.
    “Girl”: I was being naive and stupid.
    “Girl”: i know that.
    “Girl”:
    Sybian: Like I don't say this shit because its untrue.
    “Girl”: I hate myself for it. I hate myself. I'm sorry.
    “Girl”: He tried to take advantage of me and I didn't see it coming because I was stupid.
    “Girl”: Just stupid.
    “Girl”: And I know that.
    “Girl”: I hate me.
    “Girl”: I do.
    “Girl”: I promise.
    Sybian: But you held his hand!
    Sybian: My god
    Sybian: That means something to me
    “Girl”: I'm sorry.
    Sybian: It means you care
    “Girl”: it didn't.
    Sybian: like you want to be close to that person
    “Girl”: and it's not like I was squeezing his hand back
    Sybian: it means you want to touch them
    “Girl”: he was holding my hand
    Sybian: you didn't take it away
    “Girl”: I know that.
    Sybian: that should be reserved for me and me only if I'm who you say i am
    “Girl”: I know that, too.
    Sybian: Theres nothing else for me to say
    “Girl”: okay.
    “Girl”: Me neither. I just am more sorry than you will ever know. And I promise that I wasn't trying to be close to him. I just wasn't thinking and didn't really care that much about what was going on around me, and I just didn't put much stock in it at the time.
    “Girl”: I don't know why.
    “Girl”: So I can't explain myself.
    “Girl”: I love you. And that's why I told you. If I didn't love you, if you weren't who I say you are
    “Girl”: I would have let it pass
    “Girl”: and not felt badly
    “Girl”: people cheat and don't tell. I hold hands and spill my guts. I love you.
    “Girl”: And I'm sorry.
    “Girl”: I never wanted to hurt you. I swear to God that at the time if I had thought it would hurt you, I would never have allowed it to happen.
    “Girl”: Hurting you is the worst thing I could ever imagine doing. I promise that it is breaking me into pieces to know that you are hurting.
    “Girl”: It kills me. I am just so sorry.
    Sybian: I just could never think of being that close to someone else.
    “Girl”: I am so sorry, love. I know that this means nothing but hand holding just means nothing to me except when it's with you. We all have to hold hands in class all the time, so it becomes just a mechanical thing. It meant absolutely nothing.
    “Girl”: When I hold your hand, it is to bring me close to you and feel your love.
    “Girl”: This was just mechanical and cold and nothing.

    There's more, but you guys get the just of it... Should I be pissed. Should I forgive her and just put it behind me? What do I do. I mean I really trusted her up until now. She's been everything. Perfect, that's why this baffles me...
     
  2. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Why WHAT baffles you? The guy was sneaky and so relaxed about it that she didn't even think about the hand-holding. The point is that she did throw that shit away when he tried to make a real move.

    Tell her how hurt you are, ask her if she wants to leave you ("no"), and say that you can't handle another incident of passive acceptance. If you can't get past this immediately, tell her to have patience with you while you work on getting over it.
     
  3. Sybian

    Sybian She's with me...

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    Yeah. I made it pretty clear that she shouldn't even be in that situation again if she wants to stay with me. She seems to be okay with it.
     
  4. inaroundboutway

    inaroundboutway New Member

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    i think you are going a little hard on her. Long distance is difficult and based solely on trust. She trusted you by telling you that she held hands with him. She obviously cares for you and something as stupid as holding hands with someone shouldn't mean anything. Maybe it depends on where you are from but I don't connect handholding with love or a relationship in the least. I'm not saying i would like my boy to hold someone else's hand but i definatly would trust him enough that i know it would never go farther than that. And your girlfriend stopped it once she realized what was going on. If you love her you should trust her and although you have a right to be upset you shouldn't jeopardize your relationship over this.
     
  5. Sybian

    Sybian She's with me...

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    Yeah. I mean. I didn't yell at her or threaten to leave. I just demanded to know if that was all that happened. She said no and I believe her. I still trust her. I mean, I got this information an hour after she got home from the trip. To me that speaks volumes.
     
  6. inaroundboutway

    inaroundboutway New Member

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    Well than good. I would drop it for now. I am in a long distance relationship and i find it best to wait till I see my boy before bringing up any serious problems because aim and phone conversations are just too easily misinterpreted. Definatly let her know that you trust her and believe her because im sure she is really upset at your reaction. Also with long distance everything seems amplified. Good luck.
     
  7. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I only skimmed through the conversation so it's possible that I missed something.
    I don't like the way she seemed to be admitting to more things as the conversation went on. That generally means that she is still attempting to cover something up (IMO and experience). Chances are it might be just hand holding. It could be something else. Will you ever know for sure? Are you able to put this past you? Moreso, are you able to trust her while she is overseas?
    Here's something you might not want to hear, but I think you are seriously rushing things. You've been with her 9 months but only physically with her for 6 months and you are talking marriage already? Yet you seem to be almost lacking in trust for her? Slow down before rushing into such a huge decision.
    If you want to stay with her, you'll need to learn to trust her. She claims to only have held hands and stopped him when he attempted to do anything else. Be happy for that.
     
  8. Sybian

    Sybian She's with me...

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    Actually I'm still talking to her. She took my reaction and in my opinion reacted accordingly. Floods of I'm sorries, I was stupid, I was wrong. Exactly what you should say if something like this happens.
     
  9. Vailripper

    Vailripper Daywalkers have feelings too.

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    I think she is telling the truth, I kind of got the feeling in that coversation (only read the first 1/4 though) that she was being honest. Not that it is saying much, as it's extremely difficult to read someone through and AIM conversation, but...


    I echo 03 on the moving to fast thing...that is how alot of bad marriages get started. Getting married while you're still in the "lust" phase isn't a good idea imo.
     
  10. Sybian

    Sybian She's with me...

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    :werd:

    When I talk about marriage I mean just that. Talk. We know it isn't a realistic option. She's too young (20) and I'm in no financial position to afford that. We just joke about the idea. As far as my trust, she's always been so open. That's why I believe her now in this instance. She's never lied to me before.
     
  11. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    jesus christ get over it. she held the guys fucking hand and didnt let it get any further.
    GET
    OVER
    IT

    reading that convo makes me want to :rofl:/:ugh:
     
  12. Vailripper

    Vailripper Daywalkers have feelings too.

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    Also, I think it is a huge clue that she took the initiative to tell you. Clearly she could have simply not told you, and you probably never would have found out. IMO she is showing alot of maturity by telling you.
     
  13. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Glad to hear that. Can I ask how old you are (sheer curiosity)?
     
  14. Devilish

    Devilish Remind me AGAIN

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    I think you're over analysing the whole thing. Don't be too hard on her. If you're serious about wanting to spend the rest of your life with her, get over it before it ruins you both. It was holding hands, that's it. Tell each other how you feel about EACH OTHER and move on TOGETHER.
     
  15. Sybian

    Sybian She's with me...

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    Agreed.
     
  16. Sybian

    Sybian She's with me...

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    27.
     
  17. rachem

    rachem New Member

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    I don't think she was admitting more as she went along. I think she wasn't clear on why fingers locked is more intimate. I think she just spilled the basics and then oyu wanted more details adn she told.

    i'm pretty sure this is one of those things where you make a mistake and realize it and move on more aware. I wouldn't leave her over it.
     
  18. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    This girl seems really intelligent, compassionate, and honest.

    After reading the conversation, there really isn't much of a nice way to put it. You are being an insecure pussy about it.

    You showed you were mad, she submitted, and you kept pushing it and making her feel even worse. If at ANY point in that conversation she would have said "I don't like your attitude. Maybe we should split up...." you would of freaked out and said "NONONO BABY I LOVE YOU! It's okay I don't care about the hand holding, just don't leave me."

    I'm not trying to be a jerk, but that is how you present yourself. She fucked up, but she told you right away. She held some guys hand for a couple of minutes....

    There isn't anything wrong or abnormal about the way you felt about it. If my girlfriend held some guy's hand, in my head I would freak out and be really depressed that the woman I love would even want to touch another guy like that. As the quote says, the hardest thing we will ever have to do in life, is see the person we love, love someone else.

    The mistake you made was how you reacted to her about it. When you were interrogating her, with the whole "which leg was it. with his left hand? your right leg with his left hand?" --- You sounded really pathetic there, because it doesn't really matter.

    I'd feel like crap if my girlfriend did that to me too, but I know if she cheated on me and we split up, I could get with any of her single hot friends. She knows this too, which is why she is insecure and really worried about me cheating. I never would, and I tell her that, but she wants me and she doesn't want anyone else having any part of me.

    I'm the man, and i'm in the dominate position. You shouldn't present yourself in such an insecure way, because you are setting yourself up for a huge emotional disaster if you guys ever did break up. You being so needy about it isn't going to make her like you more....

    Just chill out and be cool about it. You freaking out isn't going to change the fact that she did it, and it won't make her not do it again.

    She seems like a really awesome girl, and very smart. Let it go.
     
  19. Sybian

    Sybian She's with me...

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    An opinion is an opinion and I'll take it as just that.

    In my opinion, I didn't freak out. I don't think my questioning makes me less of a man or a "pussy".

    Me wanting to know the details isn't unreasonable. Like I mentioned in above replies, I do trust her, and I do forgive her, but the incident is still fresh in my mind and it will take a little while to completely get over.

    Thanks for the input though.
     
  20. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I'm 50-50 on this.

    1. Alcohol IS an excuse. I used to think "Alcohol isn't an excuse" and all that BS. I'm not going to tell you what I did, but suffice to say it was something I *could* never do. But I did it anyway. So let that one slide, but ONLY ONCE. Tell her "Next time, do not put yourself in a situation where something can go wrong."

    2. Now when you fuck up in a few weeks, you'll know how it feels.

    3. You said your "Standards" and she knows if she does it again she is gone. Good.

    I think you're fine.

    We all make mistakes. I think IM is a really bad medium for going over crap like this, and you did so-so with it, but came out okay.

    Let it slide this time. No second chances, though.
     
  21. Sybian

    Sybian She's with me...

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    Yeah. I love her, so I'll let it go. Only once though.
     
  22. Neo22

    Neo22 OT Supporter

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    My opinion is you have every right to act as you did. The first thing that I think is that, she shouldn't put herself in a situation like that in the first place. Especially with alcohol. Secondly this guy has no respect for you or her knowing that she has a bf. The situation will arise again, if she can't control what she drinks then I would drop her. This is too much distress for you to deal with either way.I personally think somethign a little more happened. A girl with a bf just doesn't hold hands and lock fingers and not notice.
     
  23. writergirl

    writergirl New Member

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    Umm... I think you're over-reacting and reading WAY too deeply into this! If she was in the same town as you - or even the same country - you won't be as hurt as you are right now. Your probably just worried since she's not there with you and who knows what may happen. But I'll tell you one thing, if you can't get past this and just trust her, then your relationship is completely DOOMED. You have to trust her. Just the fact that she was forthcoming with information should tell you something about her loyalty towards you. This girl loves you. So get over it and don't make it be a huge issue because she'll get sick of hearing you bitch about it all of the time. Everyone makes mistakes. It was just hand holding - nothing more. So don't read into it any further than that.
     
  24. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    I think you over-reacted a little, but not much. I'd be pissed too, and my trust would surely be shaken. I don't know if I would fully buy the story either. Just because she "admits" to something doesn't mean that's all that happened, it might be she was just afraid of you hearing about it from someone else so she wanted to get her version in first. There were other people there who could have seen things up to that point, so she couldn't necessarily count on nothing about it getting back to you. Doesn't mean nothing happened later in private. But that's all speculation. Until proven otherwise, it's best to take the situation at face value and take her word for it.

    I wouldn't dump her over it, but I would make it clear that she should not have put herself in that situation in the first place, and it won't fly if it ever happens again. And no, alcohol is NOT an excuse. It was her decision to put herself in that situation and to get drunk. The alcohol only had the chance to loosen her up because she wanted it to.
     
  25. Indrew

    Indrew New Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
    I think you are over-reacting.
    She seems nice, forgive her.
     

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