SRS Girlfriend having troubles with her father being an asshole

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by tibbar, Jul 28, 2009.

  1. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    So slight backstory on her family:
    Her mom and dad divorced when she was 5, dad remarried, mom is still unmarried, her mom's mom is the nicest grandma ever, her dad usually treats everything like a business and isn't the most caring individual, so when she goes home she prefers to be at her mom's or grandma's place, which is 2 hours away from her father's place. Her family is all in wisconsin and she goes to school in ames (iowa state son).


    So my girlfriend (Henceforth M) is having problems with her father (henceforth C) being a huge dick, C owns 2 of his own businesses and makes pretty good money, has like 3 collector cars and a couple other new cars. He promised to fix up my girlfriend's older sister's (S) car and then sell it to M, it's a 94 Honda Civic with 130k miles on it. He originally said he'd sell it to her for 4k, and M decided to check with her mom's dad to make sure it was good deal (he used to be an accountant). Her grandpa came back and said that sounded too high of a price, when M forwarded this to C this was his response

    With the values being around $2000, so just by him looking it up he cut the cost in half. And he promised to help pay for the problems immediately occurring after getting the car which she ended up buying in April this year. She paid 2000 dollars to her rich father to buy a blue book car

    So just recently it started having problems with overheating and she called to tell him this and he started blaming her for the problems, yelling at her over the phone and she ended up hanging up on him because he was being so ridiculous. She took it to a mechanic and her dad paid for the 400 dollar bill.

    Like 3 weeks later it started having another problem so she brought it back to his place for him to do the work on it, he had all kinds of problems trying to get the parts in the car, and eventually everything was in and she drove back to iowa, fast forward a week and there are more problems, she finds out at a mechanic that he put in the wrong sized part for her car, which caused more damage, and she got hit with a 340 dollar bill on it, so when she called to tell him about it he began the blame game again, then hung up on her.

    She was crying at this point and decided she wouldn't be able to talk to him at all so she planned it out and sent him an email that was all "business" like he would do, saying how much he owed her.

    He responded with somethign along the lines of
    This greatly upset her and she finally wrote back trying to maintain "professionalism"
    After a week he finally responded with
    With an attachement with some numbers regarding her college tuition.

    -----
    She doesn't even know he's responded with this because she was tired of reading his emails mid day and almost crying at work, so she set up a gmail filter to hide his emails and forward me a copy. So at this point I have this huge asshole email and I'm waiting till she gets off of work and class to let her know he responded, but I'm not sure what she should do to go forward with her relationship with her father.

    On the one hand she loves him as a father, but he's being a massive dick these days and upsetting her every single time they talk together. I was saying that she should just stop talking to him but I'm pretty sure that's a bad idea, and she wouldn't want to completely cut him off.

    Is there anything that I can do to help her in this? She's already involved in group sessions to help her work on these issues, but it just started getting heavier and heavier in the last week and her group stops meeting this thursday.

    What should she do to improve her situation?


    CLIFFS
    -Girlfriend buy's pos car from rich dad, with him promising to help pay for the related costs of the piece of shit car.
    -Dad starts blaming her for things going wrong with the car.
    -Dad adds new parts to the car.
    -New parts turn out to be wrong size and mess up the car
    -GF asks for the cost of the re-fixing of the car after messed up parts
    -Dad tells her to tell her mom and grandma to go to hell
    -GF repeats askance with the reminder of his promises
    -Dad says he'll stop paying for her college tuition

    Cliffs of cliffs
    GF's dad is a douchebag, what can I do to help her? What should she do to help her relationship with her dad?


    Also, she is not a gold digger or anything, she's very caring and kind and even though it sounds like she's asking money of him all the time it's not like that at all.

    Although I guess that could be why he's acting like this, maybe he feels like she's relying on him too much?
     
  2. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    If I were her, I'd go get a student loan. Unless, of course, the tuition was part of a child-support agreement. Ultimately, though, the less he can hang over her head, the better.
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I doubt her father is all that rich. He works for his money, and you and she sound pretty firm that he ought to be generous with his money.

    When you include the dad's response:

    it seems clear that your girl thinks Dad ought to just pay up. So the repair didn't go over well? Isn't that the repair shop's problem?
    You think people have so much money that several hundred dollars should just be handed over...and then a few hundred more to top it off.

    No wonder he wants the drive shaft back so he can take up the shoddy work with the repair shop. And why doesn't your girl care about these details? Because it's not her money?

    I'll bet this who-cares attitude is fundamental to the issue. Have you ever considered this from her dad's point of view?

    That she's just throwing away his money -- who cares about dealing with the shop -- who cares about wasting Dad's money... Think about whos the shady one here.
    Hint... it's not Dad.

    And it sounds like she has borrowed quite the sum over the past two years -- he kept track -- and it seems like she doesn't give her dad much respect or time in return.




    Holiday time goes to mom & grandma -- no wonder dad feels used and abused. Even in this post your disdain is apparent, and you feel Dad is some kind of asshole for giving you the money...and then is a bigger asshole for not giving even more money. Unreal.

    Where's the gratitude? Ever think of that?

    Think about it, before you do rifling thru Dad's pockets. He had to work for that money.
    Amazing how self-entitled kids are now.
     
  4. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    Alright I guess I failed to explain some things.
    He did this repair, so if he were a shop he'd be at fault.

    I don't think he should just give her money, I just find it interesting that he wanted to sell his daughter a car he owned for 4k when he's got a lexus, a range rover, and 3 collector cars.

    He also paid for both of her sisters to get through college, and he promised to pay her way through college.



    If you went to your dad's house and he was cold to you and your step mom constantly judged you while you were there, vs your mom's house where she accepts you and your grandma's house where she offers happiness and smiles all the time which would you choose? That's how I see it anyway.

    It's hard for me to relate to her troubles as well, because while her father is well off and has 2 houses and all kinds of things going for him, my father is 40k in debt and drives a 95 buick lesabre that his father gave him, and for a while I drove the 82 bmw that he gave me. I didn't mean to come off as money grabbing because that's not how we feel at all.

    Also, I'm not trying to help her get money from her dad, and neither is she, I'm trying to help her figure out how to get back to a loving mutual relationship with her dad.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2009
  5. JustJeff

    JustJeff www.youtube.com/thisisjustjeff

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    Just because some people have money doesn't mean they need to give everything out for free... Sometimes parents try to teach their kids not to be spoiled little brats.

    I mean, even if I had a lot of money, I'm not gonna shell out hundreds of dollars to my kid to just do whatever s/he wants. So :/

    It seems like your father is just looking for a little respect for what he has done, and he doesn't get any, so of course he is upset with the way you all treat him. He tries to help...

    I'd be pissed too.
     
  6. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    I guess I don't know how to convey it in a way that makes sense, nevermind, lock topic I suck at english.
     
  7. Divine Vengeance

    Divine Vengeance New Member

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    I was/am in a similar situation to this.

    My dad is also a huge asshole and everything you've mentioned pretty much fits his personality (some of them he's done to me as well). I've moved out and stopped talking to him on multiple occasions because of this, and as of this current moment I haven't spoken to him in well over a year and a half and quite frankly don't intend to.

    The downside of this entire thing is that even though I'm not speaking to him, I still have to deal with his bullshit on very nearly a daily basis for the following reasons:

    a) when I was a freshman at school, I let him borrow my car for ~8 months. When I got it back, multiple things were broken including windows and side panels, and my brand-new brakes and shocks needed to replace. Guess who had to foot the bill? His reasoning was "well, its your car, you need to take some responsibility," - despite the fact that I was living in downtown Philadelphia and hadn't driven it in almost a year. This is one example of many, but its the same shit. He'd go away for a week while I was home on summer vacation in high school, and then expect to charge me for the food I ate while he was gone. The last straw was when he came home drunk and started a fistfight with me over a $20 bottle of vodka he'd bought me earlier that day, because I hadn't stopped at the ATM to give him his cash yet.

    b) my parents divorced when I was in high school, and since at the time my dad was making 200k/yr and my mom was making less than 35k, they signed a post-nuptial agreement that basically said my dad was supposed to cover 60% of tuition/housing/etc for my brother and I to get through school. Since then, my mom has found a better job and my dad got laid off a few years ago - with a 500k severance package. At the time I was going to a private university that cost upwards of 50k a year (tuition, housing, food), so in consideration of family finances I moved back in with my mom and transferred to a more local state university.

    Since then, my dad has been through about three different jobs for less than four months each, after previously being employed at the same company for almost 30 years. He's somehow managed to piss away the entire 500k severance package, despite the house he lives in already being paid off and having minimal other expenses. He continually harasses my mother about tuition payments claiming that he has no money, yet when asked about his job search he claims to have turned down handfuls of offers for steady employment because "they weren't up to my salary level."

    I'm kind of summarizing shit now because its much more involved and has a lot of bullshit tit-for-tat (like my dad trying to get his lawyer to force me to talk to him again), but the essence is that my dad operates the same way your girlfriend's dad does - its everyone else's fault, mom is poisoning you against me, this bank is closed, abusing property that doesn't belong to them, etc.

    The only solution I really have for you is to tell your girlfriend to get the hell out of there as quickly as she can. Get a student loan, don't waste any more money on a beat-up car and cut off as much contact with her dad as she's comfortable with. My dad was a horrible influence on my life and having to live at home during the last couple of years of high school meant struggling with migraines and stomach pain every day and barely passing classes.

    Since moving out and cutting off contact, I almost instantaneously "got better," my GPA is a steady 3.9, and I have a thousand times less bullshit to deal with on a daily basis. People don't stop being assholes simply because they had kids, and I live by the idea that respect is earned through action, not meted out simply because I was unfortunate enough to win this genetic lottery.
     
  8. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    Yeah it would be nice if he couldn't control her with money anymore. And since she's almost graduated she might be able to make it out from here on out. It's sad because it's like he's made a complete 180 (well, more like 90) and changed for the worse out of nowhere.

    He has tried to control her with money and guilt in the past as well, including him stating that her mom can't come to her college graduation because she isn't helping pay for college. Such bullshit.

    I'm worried how she'll take this latest turn of events though, because she's been having a hard time lately and this looks like the final straw that will break the camel's back.
     
  9. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I have no idea how you got that from his post.

    The man in question promised certain things to her, then behaved irrationally and unkindly about fulfilling those promises.

    From what the OP has described, the only way I can take it as "these kids are so ungrateful these days" is if I come in with an assumption about, well, kids these days.
     
  10. Divine Vengeance

    Divine Vengeance New Member

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    After being jerked around for my entire childhood over "I dont like xxxx situation, you can't play videogames anymore. I paid for it, so I tell you what to do with it" style crap, I eventually started paying for all of my own non-essentials. Computer parts, video games, gadgets, my car, all purchased with my own money and where applicable, registered in my name. This is when I realized it was a more deeper psychological issue with my dad, because then he'd revert to arguments like "well, you're using my electricity" or "you're parked in my driveway."

    As far as being the final straw, I'm again under the firm opinion that sometimes it really is okay to stop trying to be the "bigger person" and to just tell people to fuck off and die. I lived for 20 years with my dad's bullshit and my mom constantly saying "yea, we know your dad is immature, but just be the bigger person and ignore it."

    Certain people are in dire need of a reality check, and being the bigger person is just another form of enablement. To this very day my dad STILL does not understand why my brother and I don't talk to him anymore, and is still looking for people to blame for us leaving. So far, he's gone down the list of my ex-girlfriends and their families, my brother's best friend and her divorced parents, and even the next door neighbors.

    Some people really don't understand social interaction beyond the pre-school mindset. Your girlfriend's dad doesn't seem quite nearly as deranged as mine, but still definitely falls in the category.
     
  11. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    He pays all her college tuition? Either show the guy a little respect and deal with this for a few more years, or cut all ties financially and start paying your own college tuition and buying your own stuff. It kinda sounds like she doesn't want the bank of daddy to close up.
     
  12. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    Well here's a minor update. Last night she read the email and started crying, she called her mom and her mom made her forward a copy over, as she was reading it out loud to her mom she started dry heaving because of how much the email affected her.

    Her mom made her give the phone to me, and her mom told me to make her relax and sleep because she needed rest and we would deal with this tomorrow.

    So she took a hot bath had some hot chocolate and as she was lying down to go to bed her roommates came home and started partying :)mad:) it was really annoying because we would tell them to be quiet and they would be quiet for a little and then ramp it up again.

    This morning though her mom told her that when she reread the financial info that her dad sent it showed it as him paying for her final two semesters, so he's not hanging her out to dry at least. Which is good, because she wouldn't have any way to pull together the money/loans for her out of state tuition (~25,000).


    It would be really nice if he didnt have that over her but the fact is he does, and it stresses her emotionally the way he tries to control her by it. I guess the sooner she's done with college and gets a job and her own car the better she'll be.
     
  13. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    She has borrowed a few times from him over the last few years because he told her she shouldn't take out loans, just borrow from him and then pay him back. She has a job but there's a max of 20 hours a week during the school year, and she's in sorority and has a lot of responsibilities, so she doesn't have all that much free time. She borrowed money when she was in australia because she was almost out.

    The biggest problem with his "show me a little respect" is he doesn't show her respect. It's like he wants her to grovel at his feet.

    I agree though that it would be ideal to keep grovelling until she is done needing him, but this sort of worked out in the end.
     
  14. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    As an aside, when we were laying down to sleep, trying to be calm, she turned on pandora. The second song that played was "Fathers be good to your daughters" it was funny in a way that's not really funny.
     
  15. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Not saying the guy isn't an asshole but look at it this way just deal with it till she's done school so he'll pay for it then cut all financial ties. I worked 20 hours a week during college and paid for a new car, clothes, bills, etc my dad paid for school thats it.

    If you plan to marry this girl just wait for that wedding he'll be holding that over her head too if he's paying.
     
  16. jim1234664

    jim1234664 New Member

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    and who paid for australia? lol
     
  17. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    It sounds to me like the father sees his daughter as behaving like a spoiled little rich girl with a huge sense of entitlement (whether or not that's true, I neither know nor care), and he's trying to get her to start earning her own keep, hence making her pay for the car and pay for the cost of repairs, and telling her he'll stop paying her tuition if she bitches about it again.

    And you know what? He's probably right. If the guy owns not one but two businesses, he's obviously done well for himself and his family will benefit from it someday, but it's a perfectly legitimate concern for him to want to make sure his kids know how to keep building the family's wealth and/or pay their own way in life if the businesses go to shit someday. The argument over the car is one thing, but he's doing her a huge favor out of the goodness of his heart to pay for her college tuition. She should man-up and take the favors she's given and not complain when she has to pay for some things.
     
  18. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    Yes she should be financially independent. But how can she maintain a relationship with him AT THIS POINT, now that he's told her to go fuck herself? This isn't about money, it's about acting like he's no longer her father. He insulted her mom and grandma for no reason except to distress my GF. That's what this has come to.
     
  19. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    She had scholarships and a few things, but he payed the tuition for the study abroad session, she had to borrow some extra money during that time as well.
     
  20. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    I'm not saying she's perfect about spending, or that he should just give her heaps of money. I'm trying to figure out what she should do emotionally regarding her father. Apologize for "billing" him? Ask him to apologize for insulting her mother and grandmother? Ask him to stop being so emotionally cold?
     
  21. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    It's somehow hard for me to get this across in a way that makes sense, and I'm failing miserably at portraying the situation.
     
  22. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    OK so here's what I'm getting:

    -He is controlling her with his money, so stop relying on his money.
    -After that just stop dealing with him entirely.

    What if she doesn't want to stop talking to her dad for the rest of her life? Is there some better way to go about this than cutting him off emotionally? That's the road she's currently heading down and I wouldn't want that for her and she doesn't want that.
     
  23. Divine Vengeance

    Divine Vengeance New Member

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    That's a pretty terrible defense for being a douche, or do you subscribe to the idea that since you took the responsibility of reproducing, your children should worship the very ground you walk on for the rest of their lives?

    "feeding and putting money towards" is, well, the fucking side effect of having kids. at which point did "putting food in your kids mouth" qualify as respectable for someone who can afford to collect cars? If his girlfriend's parents were struggling with multiple low-income jobs to put food on the table its one thing, but riding around on a white horse because you restock the fridge every from the trunk of one of your eight luxury vehicles seems a bit asinine.

    A sense of entitlement works both ways. Children aren't entitled to money or support after a certain age; just because you managed to knock up your girlfriend/fiance/wife (truly the first time in history such a thing has ever happened) does not suddenly make you entitled to the respect worthy of a saint.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2009
  24. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Maybe he's just trying to teach her a hard lesson in life to start taking some responsibility. Does she work at all?
     
  25. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    Yeah she has a job, is VP of her sorority so that takes up a lot of time too, this summer she paid for her tuition at the community college which made her almost run out of money, it's not like she wastes money, it's just that we don't get paid that much, so money is tight. That is why she wanted him to pay for the damage he did to her car with his repairs.

    I can understand him wanting to cut her off, but not the way he did it. He had no reason to start name calling her mom/grandma.

    The fact that he will finish out paying for her college is a godsend, but I still feel like this whole exchange further shred the ties that keep them together.
     

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