Girlfriend has been smoking behind my back for about 6 months...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Osiris^, Jan 3, 2009.

  1. Osiris^

    Osiris^ Creepy as fuck son OT Supporter

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    Here's the low down:

    -Smelt what I thought was smoke on her when we were having sex one night
    -Next day I found lighters in her bag (5 of them)
    -I question her about the lighters and she says they're her friend's lighters.
    -Then she admits she's been smoking recently but has stopped now (conveniently after I question her about it)
    -I probe more, and she admits to smoking "whenever she wanted one" for the last couple of months
    -More probing, she admits it's been about 4-6 months but not everyday
    -More probing, she concedes and says it's been around a packet of 20 a week since the Summer.
    -I'm fucking furious.

    Why am I furious?
    1) Because she lied. I fucking HATE liars, and boy does she know this.
    2) Even after I caught her, it took so many attempts to try and get the truth out of her even though she'd been caught out.
    3) I noticed a higher than average amount of withdrawals from her bank over the last few months, and asked what was up. Several times I questionned her about this and she said they're for food in work and stuff. I leave it still thinking that there are a lot of withdrawals for it to just be food.

    She's claiming she had her last cigarette on Tuesday, says she isn't addicted and she started smoking because of problems with her parents and stress at work.

    She's 24, and clearly not a child so am I overreacting in being so annoyed that she's been smoking? I wouldn't have minded if she'd come out and said, but being lied to is like a red rag to a bull.

    EDIT: She had been smoking on her break times in work. She is now out of work and looking for another job. Our situation is living together, both working.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2009
  2. GammaRadiation

    GammaRadiation Active Member

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    De`Javu for me

    Eventually she broke up with me for a myriad of other other reasons. I just refused to cuddle, kiss, etc... her if she smelt like it.

    Brushing teeth and spraying perfume doesn't cover it.
     
  3. xcheeseyfriesx

    xcheeseyfriesx New Member

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    i think you are overreacting a bit... would you have flipped out if she'd told you when she started? if so then it makes sense that she would not tell you. other than that, maybe she jsut thought you'd think less of you...girls have fucked up minds... :] as for being lied to, it sucks. but this isnt something that should be that big of a deal. good luck.
     
  4. Osiris^

    Osiris^ Creepy as fuck son OT Supporter

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    I've updated the original post, regarding another reason as to why I'm annoyed. In other words, she had opportunities to bring it up with me.
     
  5. SPACECATAZ

    SPACECATAZ New Member

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    You don't have to marry her. :dunno:
     
  6. uneek

    uneek OT Supporter

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    how is her approach to conflicts overall? If smoking is the only thing she lies about, maybe it's worth giving her a chance to regain your trust. I'd be more concerned that her behavior is an indication of a pattern. Have there been any other areas of conflict of similar significance as smoking? How has she handled these?
     
  7. Osiris^

    Osiris^ Creepy as fuck son OT Supporter

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    We've been living together for 3.5 years.

    The reasons for me checking her bank account are the same as her reasons for checking mine; we have a large communal bill, as well as purchases we make together. If, for example, I see that her bank is a bit low one month I'll pay a larger share of the rent, fill up the car, pay for a night out or whatever.

    We have separate banks and all our bills (as in direct debits) are separate apart from rent, but we both usually have a rough idea of what's in each other's bank purely from a perspective of how we're 'doing' money-wise. Perhaps it's weird I don't know, but it's something we've both always done and I wouldn't quite class myself as a control freak.

    Not to mention, during that time she ran her bank into her overdraft 3 months in a row and got heavily charged for it by the bank and needed me to transfer money to cover a car payment for those 3 months - so frankly when stuff like that happens, her expenditures are my business.

    Her approach to conflicts? They tend to involve her turning the issue onto me and trying to use things I've done in the past to justify the reason the conflict has arisen.

    PS: The aim of the thread is to gauge whether I am overreacting by being annoyed that she has been smoking behind my back. I'm not an idiot and the fact that I only smelled smoke on her once during the 6 months means she must've been doing a pretty thorough job of hiding it. She had opportunities to tell me when I questioned her - rightly or wrongly - about more frequent outgoings from her bank. Even when she admitted, it still took over an hour of probing to get what I assume is now the truth.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2009
  8. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    I would end it its funny I was just thinkin about this a few mins ago
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Not overreacting IMO :dunno: I hate smoking and I at least appreciate that my bf has cut down to a cig when out drinking with friends....but if I found out he'd been smoking all the time for months as a secret I'd feel betrayed. I'd much rather he admit he's smoking fully again instead of keeping it a secret.

    How is everything else going honestly in the relationship? I remember you two have been havin major issues as recently as a few months ago. She seemed to be falling out of love with you. I forgot how young you both were though. Hope you think things through and don't get engaged or married with all these problems.
     
  10. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    after 3.5 years i dont know how i'd react, thats a lot to throw away over smoking (even though I dont think i could ever marry or seriously date a smoker)

    sorry dont really have much advice but I really dont think you over reacted.
     
  11. sorryforya

    sorryforya New Member

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    Don't post much in the Vag section but this thread seemed interesting. Was she smoking before you guys got together? If she was, then you really shouldn't be so upset that she smokes. If you didn't like her smoking, then you didn't have to get with her. If she wasn't smoking before you got together and she started smoking WHILE you guys were together, then I really don't know what to say.

    The lying part on the other hard, is pretty fucked up. I would totally be upset if my girl was lying to me. If she doesn't want to quit, don't force her too. All its going to do is cause more lying on her part, and more headaches for you. If you can't stand it, don't be with her. Don't force your believes onto someone else.
     
  12. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Doesn't everyone hate liars?
     
  13. eightvalve

    eightvalve Reformed Lurker Crew #1

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    If you don't smoke, any girl who does just smells rank all the time,you can deal with it or dump cuz it will bother you every time your within a few feet of her.
     
  14. JustaMeThang

    JustaMeThang New Member

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    You should be disappointed, but not angered about it. Smoking IMO, is an addiction, like many others, and is hard to quit, especially when things are stressful, aka, no job and BF giving you shit about the smoking. Its wrong that she lied about, but then again, she isnt fucking your best friend, or snorting cocaine...
     
  15. Ideotique

    Ideotique Drinking on monday nights does not make me an alco

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    fetish of mine :mamoru:
     
  16. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Do you guys have a joint bank account, because if you don't then you've got some real issues broseph. I understand that you don't like the fact that she lied to you, you need to let her know and calmly confront her about it. Flipping out is the last thing you need to do, it will only have her resent you.

    Calmly let her know how it makes you feel and that the smoking really bothers you, let her know you cannot be with someone who smokes and that you feel strongly about this.

    That is all.
     
  17. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    I'd find the worst part to be how hard it was to pull the whole truth out of her. After being completely busted, she still continued to lie.

    "i m sorry. I know you don't like smoking but ive been going through some hard times and smoking helps" would have been a lot easier to swallow then having to beat the truth out of her
     
  18. Afanasi

    Afanasi Heterosapien

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    who cares what she does? i can already tell this relationship is going nowhere
     
  19. mstslk

    mstslk New Member

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    you are definitely not over reacting.
    smoking is gross and no one wants to
    be around someone that smells like
    and ashtray. and she should have told
    you, because relationships should be
    based on honesty and trust. and if
    you shouldnt have to ask her something
    over and over again to get an answer.
     
  20. Ari1979

    Ari1979 New Member

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    You sound like my girlfriend. She breaks my balls over everything. She has a lot of trouble picking her battles.

    As a result i have been smoking (not cigarettes :barf:) behind her back for about 2.5 years. She's none the wiser. :mamoru:
     
  21. Ari1979

    Ari1979 New Member

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    Blazing is really the only thing I lie to my GF about. I know she's not ok with it but at the same time I know it's not a life long thing for me. I'll only keep this shirade going for another year or so max as I don't plan on blazing after university.
     
  22. surlybot

    surlybot you cool maaaaaaannn?

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    you are way too controlling and she is going to seek out the infamous 5 black guys if you don't knock it off with the 20 questions.
     
  23. victimizati0n

    victimizati0n New Member

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    being a smoker, i really dont see what the big deal is
     
  24. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    smokers never do. Its a gross habit. There must be something you can think of that some people enjoy that would really just gross you out to think about when it comes time to kiss your GF's dirty dirty mouth.
     
  25. sorryforya

    sorryforya New Member

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    If people made the choice to get with a smoker, then you just have to deal with it or find someone who doesn't smoke. Its so simple.
     

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