Girlfriend going away for school

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by vietkangta, Sep 24, 2009.

  1. vietkangta

    vietkangta New Member

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    I've been with my girlfriend for over 3 years. She just left south to go to school. I'm 22 years old now.

    Before she left, i was feeling fine, like there was nothing to worry about. I didn't feel any type of sadness.

    But now that she is gone, i've feeling strong emotions of pain, sadness, and anger. I'm even having lower self-esteem and a sense of worthlessness. At times i would be really sad and start tearing up, and at other times, i would be incredibly angry, lashing out at everything that annoyed me.

    And when i try to call my g/f or text her she would never ask about me, which sort of annoyed me. Its been almost a week now and she's been so busy.

    I don't know what to do, I don't want to let this control me but it is having such a negative effect on me. I'm trying to finish my last year in college, but i can't sit still anymore without thinking about her. Somehow i keep thinking about breaking up with her because i don't want to cope with my emotions. I keep thinking it would be better off for me if i brokeup with her and never talk to her again. But i know i;m just running awya from my problems.

    I feel so pathetic and weak-minded.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2009
  2. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    That sucks!

    I think this is one case it's better you rant on a message board than bring it up with her.

    Here is your ideal behavior. I am not suggesting that you should want to do this. Don't care if you want to. The trick with being bipolar (or whatever you want to call that effect where 1 week back you're A+ok and then the next week the world is dead) is to know WHAT to do so that you can choose the right path even though - in your fucked up emotional state - what you want to do is completely different.

    So... I am just saying that, for the health and continuation of your relationship with this girl, the following behavior will be ideal - if you can manage to choose your actions rationally rather than depressively.


    1. ENCOURAGE whatever fun experiences and/or adventures she is having. Her own independence and choices in life should be demonstrably compatible with your relationship. This must be genuinely encouraging and not passive-aggressively discouraging. No, "Good for you :hsugh:." No, "Oh that's great hunny :wtc:". No. Rather, it should be, "I bet that was fun/good/exciting/<positive adjective> ;)." I mention ideal behavior #1 because I am guessing right now the most threatening thing is her ability to have these new adventures without you that will distract her away from you... it is most important to understand that fear of abandonment, while common, and probably normal, is NOT a good guide for your behavior - you can feel it, but you can't listen to it. It may feel as if you're driving her towards the exact things that you fear will take her away from you. In reality you are showing her that those things are not AT ODDS with you; you are compatible with them.


    2. If you do choose to share info with your girlfriend on the negative feelings that you experience, do so in a way that shows they are just inconveniences rather than huge issues because ultimately you are taking care of yourself as need be and taking any necessary steps (e.g. working out, hobbies) to counteract whatever negative stuff you encounter. (You might as well be doing this anyway for your own sake!) The reason being that you want to keep being a positive in her life. You love her, right? So keep being a positive in her life. Yeah you shouldn't have to be "the one" who is doing work but you shouldn't be feeling like the world is over either, so sack up. She can't mother you over the phone the way that you guys can nurture each other in person. So if you do feel like mentioning X negative experience then by all means do so, but it should be an opportunity to convey that you are taking WHATEVER RESPONSIBILITY you need to take for that negative experience as well as the concrete steps to counter it and so on... not even a big deal, just a, "here was this problem.. isn't that bad? :p it was so <X negative description> :rofl: then of course had to go workout an EXTRA time this week. yeah. very bad news :) :)" Kind of hard to explain through text. A lot of it is just the fact that even though the content of our actual words may be negative it's clear you aren't, you know, the most miserable guy on earth right now :) The UPSWING of your dialog if you do choose to share negative info should be on the underlying positive mindset and life just being life. One way to look at it is "trying to be negative and profoundly failing." Granted this may be the last thing in the world you want to do. Just saying the ideal relationship behavior here.


    3. You can miss somebody in a way that feels nice for that person. Saying "I miss you" should be something nice you're telling them, kind of like saying, "I love you." Especially if you are clearly secure in your own life and THEN you miss them - that feels very good for the person you miss. It's important she knows that she still is meaningful to you even though you guys MUST and WILL have separate lives for the time being. When you're feeling low-value, have low self-esteem (worthlessness as you put it), etc., it's hard to remember how important your caring and affection can be to the other person. "I'm worthless, so why would she want me to care about her? Clearly I have to trick her into staying with me by, e.g., making her feel worthless / keeping my distance so she feels these negative things I feel and comes back to me." This is where people like Falconer and my [previous] self go nuts and start pushing the other person away preemptively as a defense mechanism against rejection and against the fear that the other person will be "turned off" by your warmth... don't do that... remember (after steps #1 and #2) that it's important she knows that your own healthiness notwithstanding and your own ability to stand on two feet and live a good life notwithstanding, she is still The Shit, she is still super valuable in your book. In this way you are, again, a source of positivity in her life.




    Again, these are just the ideal steps you would take in terms of the health of your relationship if you were being perfect. It's very hard to do the right thing sometimes when every fiber of your body is pulling in the wrong direction. So if you end up calling her and saying

    "YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!! BITCH!!!"

    I completely understand.

    (That would be the exact opposite of ideal, btw :mamoru:)
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2009
  3. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Honestly, JJJ summed that up.


    All you can do is 'worry' about her at this point and thats going to drive you up a wall. If you two have had the type of relationship where you guys did nothing but surround yourselves with each other I can definitely see how that will/can make you feel this way. Theres no worse feeling of emptiness than having an SO you can't see/talk to when ever you want to, especially if thats what you've been accustomed too.

    Work on some hobbies for yourself, keep your grades up, stay happy and healthy, and honestly think to yourself if its worth losing 3 years of an amazing FRIENDSHIP before ending your relationship due to separation anxiety
     
  4. Gogoplata

    Gogoplata Guest

    it's over.

    / thread
     
  5. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Oh man, I remember you and your old threads :rofl:

    This girl didn't even respect you two years ago and the only reason you two have managed to stay together is most likely due to you clinging onto the first relationship you've ever had.

    This is 100% the most typical situation that happens to couples your age. Girl goes away to college while in the same relationship she lost her virginity in. Girl overwhelmed and excited to be out on her own meeting thousands of new people (and guys). Young girl starts to forget what now seems like immature relationship and becomes interested in being completely "free".

    Look, the only way this relationship has a shot in hell is if you don't show her any sort of insecurity of her being there and continue to live your life where you live. Even then your chances are few considering again that this girl was immature as fuck just 2 years ago and I'm sure hasn't magically matured by 18.
     
  6. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    :eek3: :eek3: :eek3:

    :rofl: beer, you and that memory :rofl:
     
  7. Sirian

    Sirian New Member

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    I'm pretty sure she keeps a notebook with everyone's name on OT and problems they have posted, like a therapist. Then she can go back and refer to it when they make a new thread.
     
  8. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Im about 99% sure beer doesnt care that much haha.
     
  9. saosko

    saosko OT Supporter

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    .

    :hsd:

    so true.
     
  10. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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    what beer said. JJJ's post is definitely the only way to go about it. Just be supportive and pretend you don't give a fuck she's out having fun. In the mean time, have your own fun and don't close any doors on other possibilities; she probably isn't.
     
  11. Gogoplata

    Gogoplata Guest

    chick version :wtc:

    bro version :h5:
     
  12. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :bowrofl: yeah right
    definitely not :rofl:

    I've always had a crazy memory. If I dont remember a poster's whole history I at least remember their name and can simply check their thread history which reminds me immediately.
     
  14. outlaws

    outlaws C.R.E.A.M.

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    :rofl:
     
  15. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Agree with iwywb. More or less.

    "Show security in urself." Only thing is, I dunno about you guys, but personally I need *super*-specific, behavioral description to know what "show security" means in practice. Especially if I am not feeling secure. hence the wall of text I posted.
     
  16. vietkangta

    vietkangta New Member

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    Honestly I do encourage her to do what she wants down there. She's always wanted freedom from her parents and now she has it.

    Maybe this thread isn't really about her, but about me in general and the way i view life and react to things. I tend to put myself in a corner where all i feel is emptiness. I get too attached and clingy, which i really despise. I tend to give into my own miseries even though i keep telling myself to be occupied, to work out, to keep my grades up. But there is always that period during the day where i feel i extremely down and extremely angry at myself for feeling the way i do. You guys are right, this separation anxiety thing is really eating me up inside. I'm afraid to say or do anything because im afraid of making the wrong decisions.

    I thought i;ve grown more over the years emotionally but when something that really hurts me, i roll up into that ball that i use to be I can;t seem to break free, no matter what approach i try.

    The feelings of sadness and losing someone just overwhelms. Even when i try to do more positive and think more positively, when i;m alone by myself those sad feelings come back to me and i;m a wreck again.

    I don't even know if i should respond to her texts anymore, or keep contacting her. It seems like she is having a lot of fun, and i just don't want my mood to drag her down. I want the best for her and for her to find the place where she belongs. I want her to grow on her own. That's is why earlier in the years, she asked me where should she go to school, a place close by or a place far. I knew she wanted to go far deep inside, so i encouraged her to go far because i knew she would be happier. She shouldn't have to stay behind to make me happy. All my life, everything i do is to try to make other people happy. I can't stand to see people sad. Sometimes i don't really know, but i wish i was dead or wasn't born. I;m constantly stressing out about something new everyday. If someone was to graph my life, there would be peaks of happiness but a constant line of sadness.

    I was thinking, and you guys were right. The best i should do now is lookout for her and make sure she's happy and try to be more secure about myself. She's probably going to be home sick being so far from home and she needs support, not any dead weight to carry around. If i really do care for her, i shouldn't trouble her with my problems.

    Well this was a good place to rant. And thanks for all the inputs. I guess only time can help me.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2009
  17. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    would totally penetrate :bowdown::bowdown::bowdown:
     
  18. vipergts24

    vipergts24 New Member

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    you better get your emotions in check or she's going to associate being annoyed with you every time she talks to you instead of being excited to talk to you. Which means she'll be taking cock from other men. So like what iwishyouwerebeer said, basically live your life, she will respect that and love that, and probably want you more because of it. Even if she didn't, trust me, you will find someone else... its so easy its not even funny.
     

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