SRS girlfriend can't handle a relationship

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by sheep561, Jul 14, 2009.

  1. sheep561

    sheep561 OT Supporter

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    My girlfriend has been stressed out lately because of her heavy workload at school and family problems. She has also been struggling with depression and anxiety for a while. I love this girl and I know she feels the same way. I confronted her about what she's going through and we agreed that being in a relationship wasn't best for her right now. She says even though she can't handle a relationship right now at the same time she doesn't want to lose what we have and who knows when she'll be ready.

    She wants me to keep talking to her and I told her I'm not going to talk to her like we're together but we can still talk and I also said I can't promise her that I'll be there waiting for her 8 months from now when she decides she's ready. She wants to be "close friends" until she's ready. I feel like if we act like friends and I talk to her every day we'll just end up friends. It would hurt to act this way when she's more than a friend to me and there's no commitment so I told her I can't do that. She says I'm making her choose between all or nothing. Was I wrong? I don't know what to do because I don't want to lose what we have either. :wtc:
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2009
  2. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    you say you don't want to lose her, but then you give her an ultimatum that is basically "do what I want or we're done."

    :confused:

    yes, you did the wrong thing. if you REALLY think she's the one, support her through her school and family problems. my wife and I are as strong as we are because we were friends before being in a relationship. being your g/f's FRIEND might help yours, too.
     
  3. Pepe

    Pepe New Member

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    how old are the both of you?
     
  4. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    Second that! I was wondering the same thing, because if you guys are like 19 it might just be you're drifting.
     
  5. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    translation she wants other cock...gauranteed you'll find she's seeing a new guy a week from now sorry bro thats reality
     
  6. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    That is quite possible.
     
  7. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    WRONG!

    he did nothing wrong.

    correct me if i am wrong but based on your comparison you and your wife were friends first. NOT dating then friends then back to being together.


    what you did is perfectly normal. as a matter of fact you did the healthy thing for yourself and, although she does not realize it now, for her.

    you cant wait around for her to be ready to be in a relationship. for how long? 5, 6, 14 months????

    yeah ok, let me put my personal life on hold while you sort through your personal issues.

    if she REALLY wanted to be with you she would stay in a relationship with you while sorting out her personal problems. and if that was the case you would be working through them w. her.

    she wants it all. lets stay best friends BUT not date. bc that will help me sort through my issues *coughiwanttoseewhoelseisouttherecough*.


    trust me when i say this. if you remain best friends it will take you a lot longer to deal w. the breakup.
    then what happens to said friendship when you find another girl? or worse... when she finds another guy and is all of a sudden ok to date... just not you!
     
  8. sheep561

    sheep561 OT Supporter

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    I feel like I should stick with her but then again TheHandofChaos makes a good point. She also lives in another country right now and she won't be back for a few months. I want it to work with her but this makes it even harder.

    19

    I really don't think she's interested in other guys. I don't even really help her with her problems that much, she hates talking about it. So it's not like I'm her emotional tissue. I think she might be severely depressed and she suffers from pretty sever anxiety. She stopped talking to me as much. She showed she cared and was thinking of me but it wasn't the same. After a couple weeks of this I knew something was wrong.

    Before I got a chance to confront her about it she told me she was sorry for the way she was acting and couldn't give a real reason. She told me symptoms she's having, I tell her it's depression and that she needs to communicate with me more so I know what's going on instead of assuming the wrong thing (I thought she was losing interest). Her reason for not communicating is that it hurts to talk about it and that she doesn't even wanna think about it. She was in denial about the depression at first but finally agreed she had it. After seeing only minor improvement I told her lets spend some time apart since I didn't see enough effort on her part towards our relationship and that tells me she can't handle it. And here we are.
     
  9. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    my gf left me after 2 yrs bc she was confused. felt depressed bc she depended on me too much. basically she freaked out and lost that spark for our relationship.

    she wanted to remain best friends until she figured herself out.

    i told her no. i love her and im not going to put myself through this. i will be friendly to her in public. check in once in a while to see how she is. but im not going to be her best friend and put myself though the agony.

    two months later she asked me to take her back.


    if your girl really loved you she would need you there to help her through these rough times. not dump you bc of it.

    when a break up occurs YOU become the number 1 priority. take care of yourself!
     
  10. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    that's all that matters.

    if she needs to put her personal life on hold to sort through personal issues then she needs to. he's basically making her choose between him and her mental health........I know what I'd pick if I was her.


    she was trying to stay in a relationship with him until he gave her the ultimatum.
     
  11. a_borek

    a_borek New Member

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    Love is SELFLESS.

    If you let someone go for THEIR own good, then you are being selfless. If you let someone go for YOUR own good, you are NOT in LOVE.
     
  12. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    :rofl: I love it when people ask questions and leave out info that would completely change the answer.

    break up. get back together when she comes back.


    DEFINITELY break up.
     
  13. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    " I love this girl and I know she feels the same way. I confronted her about what she's going through and we agreed that being in a relationship wasn't best for her right now. She says even though she can't handle a relationship right now at the same time she doesn't want to lose what we have and who knows when she'll be ready."


    correct me if im worng TS but when you say you agreed I assume this was more on her end. not you simply saying "i dont want to be with you bc you are stressed.....".
     
  14. Pepe

    Pepe New Member

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    dude, you're 19, go out and live your life. i know this girl may seem like the best girl in the world, but take it from someone who has been there as well as witnessed his friends do the same thing. people change so much from 18-25, and right now just take it 1 day at a time. no need to get all hung up on one girl who can't make up her mind or claims to be not ready for a relationship at the moment.
     
  15. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    Second that!
     
  16. sheep561

    sheep561 OT Supporter

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    How is it I'm giving her an ultimatum when I'm just telling her if we aren't together I'm not going to treat her like my girlfriend nor will I wait around for her forever. This doesn't mean I'm going to date a new girl next week and it doesn't mean it will never work out. It doesn't make sense to me to be committed to each other and treat her like my girlfriend when we aren't together, otherwise we might as well be together. And that's basically what she's asking from me.

    If she really wants this and wants me to treat her like my girlfriend why can't we remain committed while I help her through her problems and be understanding of the fact that she's going through a lot.

    I completely understand what you're telling me. But I also know it's possible this is the girl I spend the rest of my life with. I don't run across girls I feel that way about too often. I can't just drop it that quickly and be left wondering. We both want a solution to this but haven't figured it out.
     
  17. CLCN

    CLCN New Member

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    you guys are only 19??? ok first of you will probably end up braking up anyway... NEVER give an ultimatum , if you walk away and she follows you than it was meant to be...never smother her, dude that is a huge turn off
     
  18. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    If we're not together, we might be together = ultimatum.

    Because SHE is probably trying to be "nice" to you by NOT breaking up!


    You're only 19. I know you feel super old ('cause I remember thinking I had it all figured out at 19). Not that I'm 27 I realize that I don't know shit. I also know that at 19 I REALLY didn't know shit!
    To illustrate my complete lack of knowing "of the shit" read this: http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=4222334


    Correct: See a reoccurring theme from the OT community yet?


    Correct. Let's not say that it's impossible that you both could work out. Yet, the fact that you are thinking of splitting now never helps things down the road if you make it farther. It's like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound.

    You need to "let go" of her. If she comes back, great, if she moves on, then that is HER choice. Face it, she has freewill as much as you do. You sound like you're trying to convince OTers that she'll stay with you. It also sounds like you don't want to deal with the possibility of her not in your life. You are truly in a healthy relationship when you can both see yourselves with each other, and with out - but choose to stay with each other. Good luck, my link is a long story - but it's my story from when I dealt with the same emotions you're feeling.
     
  19. sheep561

    sheep561 OT Supporter

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    But in the end it was a mutual decision to not be together, even though I proposed it. What am I supposed to say that when you're ready in 6 months we can pick up where we left off and everything will be fine?

    Actually, I can deal with the possibility of her not being in my life. I faced that when I decided to end it with her. She came back to me and started saying maybe it will work when she moves back. I told her it's a possibility and she kept going on about not wanting to lose me for good and to please talk to her and be "close friends". I responded by saying I won't cut off communication completely but I'll talk to her and see how she's doing and I won't treat her like my girlfriend when she's not nor will I be best friends with her. She said I'm giving up on us. I gave her what I felt she needed and she thinks she needs it too. What else can I do without commitment?

    Please explain a little more how this is proposing an ultimatum, I really don't understand.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2009
  20. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    It's never mutual - turns out I was the one confused. You're the one stringing her along. This is an interesting reversal since it's usually girls whom pull this in order to keep peace, and to "not hut" their partner. It's an ultimatum because you said "I'd like to see what else is out there and not be tied down and you're kinda a head trip right now. However, I might not find anything, and your life might be less screwed up in six months so we could hook up then. Oh, but if you fuck anyone else then we're done for sure."


    If you can't deal with the possibility of her not being in your life you already screwed up since you planted the "lets be friends" seed. I only have one ex that I'm still friends with, but we talk RARELY. It's not common. "What else can I do without a commitment" is such a circular statement: You're the one saying you're not together, but then you're saying you don't want to lose her.


    If you tell someone we need a break, but if you "cheat" on me we're for sure done doesn't leave her many options. A real "separation" would be you saying that she can live her WHOLE life as a single woman.
     
  21. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    ah how many times have I heard someone in denial say this :mamoru: Just don't be surprised when she has a new man in a few weeks. Your best bet is cut off all contact and wait for her to come back if she doesn't oh well you're only 19 plenty of time to find another one
     
  22. sheep561

    sheep561 OT Supporter

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    Actually it's more like "We both agree that you can't handle being in a relationship right now so I'm not going to stay in a relationship with you. However, your life might be less screwed up in six months and we can try it again then, but I can't promise you I'll be available. I don't know how long until you're ready or if you'll even be interested in me still when that time comes, so I won't be passing up on opportunities I feel are worthwhile." And I'm not putting any restrictions on her.

    I don't want to lose her but I'm not going to stay in a relationship with her when she's obviously stressed out and unable to handle it right now. That would be selfish. I'm looking out for her.

    Not once did I say I'm putting restrictions on her. When I said I told her we need some time apart. I meant I ended it with her because I felt like she was staying in the relationship knowing she can't handle it. I ended up being right and she agreed she can't handle it. Now she's the one crawling back to me saying she doesn't want to lose me for good yet she's the one who can't handle the relationship right now. So I tell her if we can work something out where you feel like you can handle it then great but I can't make any promises that you won't be losing me for good since we both agreed to not be committed right now.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2009
  23. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    you do not know what you want. You want to think or convince yourself she is the one, but that is probably all. You probably have some deep insecurity. The best thing for you to do is to go your separate ways in a civil manner. but whatever happens, will happen. I can assure you that most of the posts address the issue properly and you probably never will understand or "get it" if you already haven't. Do what you feel is right, if you make a mistake then you can only make it again or learn from past mistakes.
     
  24. Pepe

    Pepe New Member

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    listen man, as i scroll back through this thread, i see a lot of people offering you good advice, and you just attempting to counter it with your own self justifications as to why your relationship will work.

    could it work? sure

    will it work? i wouldn't bet on it


    but we are all young, naive, and make mistakes, that is what growing up is. regardless of what we tell you, you are going to do what you are going to do. just remember that when/if it goes bad, there are plenty of girls out there, and usually they are a lot cooler and hotter than your previous one.
     
  25. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

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    Sounds like she wants to fool around with other guys. Honestly the excuse of "depression and anxiety" is a poor one. If you do get back together, in the future she might pull this card again when she sees another man she wants.

    In reality you should be able to stay together through the good times and the bad times.
     

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