girl with kid wouldnt leave me alone,but i dont know how to tell her...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by quamen, Nov 18, 2005.

  1. quamen

    quamen New Member

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    Alright I thought I had this under control or settled,but I guess I didnt becasue of the way i went about it. A girl my age has a kid who is about 3 years of age, and her father left them when she was born. I took her out once before and actually had a really good time, but the kid thing scared me off. I kind of ignored her and didnt tell her why, but she kept calling me and asking to hang out again. I actually wanted to hang out to, but just as friends because we got along so well.

    Tommorw were going out, i just dont know how to say it polite. At my age and with college,work and everthing else im not ready to have a relationship with a kid involved that really makes things hard. I just want her to know I enjoy her company,but wont pursue it further then just being good friends.
     
  2. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Say EXACTLY that. Well, except address it to her "At my age and with college, work, and everything else I'm not ready to have a relationship where a kid is involved. It really makes things harder than I want at this point in my life. I just want you to know that I enjoy your company, but I don't want to be anything more than just good friends right now."

    Unfortunately, she may drop you completely regardless of HOW you say it. She's looking for a new daddy for her kid, and she'll likely stop at nothing to find one. You, at this point and time, obviously aren't that guy, so she's going to want to keep looking.
     
  3. woodchuck

    woodchuck Member

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    Grow a pair and tell her you can't handle children right now. Both of you get to move on quickly.
     
  4. CastorTroy

    CastorTroy New Member

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    Yes, be upfront and tell her that you're not ready for the kid thing yet, don't lead her on. Having a kid will always be a stigma for her dating life, but it's better to let her know now instead of her building this feeling that you'll commit to her and her kid.
     
  5. lick wid nit wit

    lick wid nit wit Official OT Oracle

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    You need to tell her POINT BLANK how you feel. You don't want to date anyone with a kid.

    yes, it may sound harsh but chances are she probably is looking for a father figure for her kid as well as a boyfriend.

    Please don't beat around the bush with this. And be aware you will probably lose a friend. But don't lead her on.
     
  6. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    if the situation was reversed and there was something that made you undateable to her, do you think she would hesitate to let you know?
     
  7. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    i dont agree with everyone that says you will most likely lose her friendship. I think you have a good shot at being her friend if you just explain it to her.
     
  8. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    just be honest and tell her that you enjoy her company, but are not interested in pursuing a relationship with her.

    i think it'll all work out fine, and the two of you could still have the friendship :)
     
  9. texansupergirl

    texansupergirl New Member

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    why does a single mom that dates always have to be looking for a daddy? did it ever occur to you that they like to go out and date just as much as everyone else? sorry i dont mean to be a bitch but that really bugs me that everyone assumes that.
     
  10. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Once there's a [young] kid in the picture, a single mom loses her right to just go out and date in a carefree way. If you're living your life free of care, you had better put your kid up for adoption because it's irresponsible to do anything other than that.

    If you wanted to go out and be dating just for fun, you should've kept your pants on.
     
  11. texansupergirl

    texansupergirl New Member

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    thats so not true. and i didnt mean that to date not looking for a father type, yeah that might be irresponsible because if someday they do decide to get married, they WILL be the stepfather. But that doesnt mean they are looking for a new stand in daddy. My mom was a single mom and she dated a few men when I was younger but I didn't find out until like 4 or 5 years later when she no longer was dating anyone cuz I never met them. You can date but in no way should you bring that child into the relationship until you know that its real. To have your heart broken is one thing but to have a little child that got attached to someone lose that person is even worse. If she immediately brought the child into the relationship, then yes that was wrong. But if she didn't, then she is being responsible and at least she was up front about it.
     
  12. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    You're very wrong here.
    Single moms are allowed to have fun also, and it doesn't have to have anything to do with their children or 'finding a daddy'. You are allowed to date 'free of care' and that has nothing to do with how you are parenting that child.
    Like texansupergirl said, if she immediately brings the child into the relationship that is definetly wrong (I would run for the hills if that's not something your interested in). But some single moms actually have some sense in them and realize that dating has NOTHING to do with their children.
     
  13. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Oh come on, now. Way to only pull the part you wanted to use out of context.

    What she also said, which is 100% true, is that in the long run it DOES have to do with the children. The goal of dating is to find a relationship (lasting) and therefore the children will eventually be exposed to it. If that thought isn't in the back of your mind, it's totally irresponsible of you. If you're dating but know it won't become something you want your kid(s) around, the simple truth is that you're just a MILF with a FWB.
     
  14. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    In the long run it absoluely does have to do with the children (I never said it didn't).
    So nobody is allowed to date to have fun without wanting a serious relationship (ie: lifetime commitment)? :rofl:
     
  15. dscallaway69

    dscallaway69 New Member

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    I have to agree with the women here. Just because a woman is dating you doesn't mean all she wants is a "daddy" for her kids. Yes the guy she is dating she should make sure he is "daddy" material, but she is also looking for someone she cares about and can love. Just because a woman has a kid doesn't mean she is looking for a quick fix to be a family. Would you feel the same way if it was a single father dating a woman?
     
  16. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Yes. Once there's a kid in the picture, that's more important than anything else. Having a kid outside of marriage means you gave up your right to have a life.
     
  17. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Again,very very wrong.
    They even tell you in the HOSPITAL before you have left with that newborn to make sure that you have time to yourself. Mothers who are able to have a life outside of their children do so much better at parenting than those who are not able to do things without their children.
    Especialy with a single parent, having time away from your children is absolutely vital.
     
  18. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    I'm not saying dating can't be fun, but you shouldn't be just dating at random. You need to actively be looking to complete the family unit. Kids don't deserve to grow up in a single parent household, and if you don't want that for them, I don't care about any other factors, you're a bad parent.
     
  19. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Why not? If you never plan on introducing these children of yours to this random date, what is the problem?
     
  20. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    The problem is that you're wasting time by not having your priorities straight and not looking for someone to complete your "family." Again it all comes down to my strong belief that no kid deserves to be without two parents in a loving home/relationship. Having lived both scenarios for a time (my dad died when I was 15) I know it sucks, and I wouldn't want folks to have to go through the "single parent" way of life. That's why I am so brutal to teen parents and people who support the idea that it is fine to be a single parent without a good set of priorities.
     
  21. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    I wouldnt date anyone who i believe would not be a good father to my future children. The family is designed to work with a man and a woman in the picture not just one or the other and working together to raise children. If your not married and dont want kids then dont fuck duh. Most problems would be solved if people would follow logic because the only form of 100% bc is abstinence.
     
  22. dbdraggin

    dbdraggin New Member

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    so cut and dry: single mothers should stay single for the rest of their lives? the the gist im getting from a few of the replies here. im a guy with no kids and i think thats total horseshit, what about if the shoe was on the other foot? does that mean a single father cannot date either? he must obviously be looking for a mother to his child then if he does date then right?

    and the idea of every mother or father out there who wants to date really is only looking for a baby-daddy or momma is ridiculous, we are all humans and have the same needs and desires regardless of our sex or if we have children.


    and to get this on topic a little, be straight with the chick, tell her what youre feeling but be mindful of her feelings as well... you may be over-reacting and she just looking to hang out and have a good time with someone whos company she enjoys.
     
  23. dscallaway69

    dscallaway69 New Member

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    All I can say is I disagree with your opinion on this. Obviously we are not going to change how the other one feels. I do agree that a child should have two parents. To me the way you make it sound is, if you are a single parent you need to just take the first person who comes along and make them the other parent for your child. I am saying maybe she actually is looking for someone that she can love and can also love her child. What is the point of her just finding some guy she doesn't love but have him play daddy. If they don't love each other that is not a healthy enviroment for the child either. I just hate the fact that people automatically assume that just because you go out on a date with a single parent that you have to play a parental role. Also a single parent can do good by raising a child. It does happen in this country and kids do grow up and live good productive lives. There is nothing wrong with being independent.
     
  24. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    It sounds to me like you're misinterpreting what I've been trying to say. All that I'm saying is, if finding someone who in addition to being fun, is also a fit parent, isn't your priority in dating, you aren't doing your own parental job effectively.

    I'm not by any means saying single parents shouldn't date, or shouldn't have fun, but they shouldn't date for JUST the purpose of having fun.
     

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