SRS Girl with a boyfriend, run away or try?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by dano, Nov 6, 2007.

  1. dano

    dano OT Supporter

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    This will be long, go away if you're not bored. :rofl:

    There's a girl I've been going to college with for a number of years now and we've always known each other socially through some mutual friends, but never really talked much. We are both in the same program so we have two classes and one clinical rotation together this semester. Since starting the clinical rotation, her and I have been talking a lot.

    A couple weeks ago a bunch of classmates, including her, and myself were supposed to go to a local fancy restaurant for lunch after clinical. Everyone wussed out and it ended up just being us two. We went, stayed there for a while and had a few drinks/talked, then went to a downtown casino, a bar and then went bowling. We spent about 9 hours together after the 8 we had been together sporadically during clinical.

    Last week during clinical she was basically attached at my hip, not in a bad way, I really enjoy being with her.

    I invited her to a friend's gig at a club this past weekend and she came, and they were doing a different club the next night and she came to that as well.

    She just left here a while ago after we had gone out and got some quick late dinner at a coney island. We had been studying for a test and just shooting the shit. She even left, went to her great-grandma's funeral, and came back earlier.

    But the catch, as you probably already noticed from the title, is that she has a boyfriend. They've been dating for about a year and a half but he lives 6 hours away so they rarely see each other. I've talked with her about her great-grandma a lot because of course a family death is never easy, and when she left tonight she was complaining about how she was pissed at her boyfriend because he hasn't talked to her a lot lately. I said now, if any time, should be when he talks to her more frequently and she said something along the lines of yeah, he's stupid.

    My buddies that did the DJ'ing both asked what's going on between us because both nights we were close together all the time. She told me some of her friends she ran into at one of the clubs asked if we were dating. She told me she told her friends that we're just friends from school and that's what I've been telling my friends too.

    I'm usually not the type to go asking OT for dating advice but this one has me stumped. I love hanging out with this girl and don't want to make a move and ruin, at the minimum, our friendship. If she gets scared of me even mentioning me liking her, our entire class is going to know about it and I'll never hear the end of it and it will make our classes/clinical together really awkward. On the other hand, if its reciprocal, she has a boyfriend and I've always held the belief "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I just cannot help but have really strong emotions for this girl. :hs:

    Let's hear what you guys have to say. Thanks.
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    This exact subject gets brought up pretty much every day, yet no matter what the intricate details, the answer is still pretty cut and dry. Don't bother trying to get with a girl who is taken...yet.

    She's in a long distance relationship, which is obvious because almost every girl in an LDR feels lonely and almost always seeks attention from another male to feel validation of some kind. It's a sad truth (I'm a female and even I know this happens) that you have to realize. However, I do think she had interest in you. The catch is that if you have any self respect, and if you want to respect her in the future you should not make a move. If you genuinely like this girl and want to consider a future with her I would honestly back off from date-like situations. If she asks why you can flat out tell her that you have feelings with her but are not about to come into her relationship situation. I have a feeling you are the kind of guy who would later down the road regret hooking up with her when she had an unknowing bf, no matter if he was a real jerk who wasn't there for her. If that's really the case then she needs to be the one who wises up and dumps him for someone local that can give her what she needs. Hope this helps.
     
  3. dano

    dano OT Supporter

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    Really good call on the LDR girl needing validation from someone a little closer, I never thought of that.

    When you say "make a move," do you mean doing something dorky like attempting a kiss if we hug goodbye, or would just talking to her and telling her that I like her be making a move as well?

    We're just friends as of now, that's obvious, so if I told her I didn't want to go out with her somewhere sometime and she doesn't ask why and just fades away I'll be pissed at myself. I also am thinking it would be hard to just tell her, in response to wanting to go somewhere, that I have feelings for her and can't continue doing this if she has a boyfriend. If she's really just seeking that validation from another source and has no romantic feelings for me that might come off as a bit creepy.

    Part of me wants to just risk it and say fuck it and call her up and tell her I like her and just cross my fingers that she doesn't hang up or sit on the other end in silence. So let me ask you this; if you were in her shoes, what would you think of someone doing that?

    I haven't heard her say much good about her boyfriend at all, maybe she's just waiting for me to say something so she can ditch him. I haven't heard the word "love" come out of her mouth once when talking about her boyfriend.
     
  4. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    if i were her i would want someone to rescue me but im not sure if it would be you id wait it out a bit and see for now she needs a friend so just be there for her you know
     
  5. dano

    dano OT Supporter

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    It's a sticky situation though. If I'm just "there for her" I could end up becoming her best girl friend with a penis. I've been friendzoned before and refuse to let it happen again.
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Yeah, as a woman even I can admit that we all pretty much love and need validation from time to time. LDR's tend to be hard on women with trust issues, and when they don't get a lot of love or attention from their bf's they eat it up from guys around them who give them the time of day (this works with the fact that she even said her bf hasn't been there for her lately). She made that known for a reason.

    When I say making a move I'm honestly saying you should:
    Definitely NOT tell her outright that you like her. UNLESS, you are having a chat about how you feel about her and what you want from you guys. You just dropping comments on how you feel about her here and there is pretty wrong IMO, the same goes with kissing her for obvious reasons. I know you don't know her bf, but how would you feel if you had a gf and came to find out some guy was wooing her and telling her how he felt about her all the time?

    Another sad truth is that girls will sometimes bitch on and on to a guy about things their bf does wrong, but then they stay with them. That is what I call the "security blanket" issue. She maybe possibly have the tiniest crush on you, but she might never have the actual intention of leaving her bf for you. You also could be setting yourself up to be friendzoned big time.

    This situation is very tricky, because you're right, it would be a real waste to go out on a limb and tell her how you feel only to have her shut you down and further make your classes awakward. This is where you have to judge wisely what you do. Honestly? If I were in your shoes I wouldn't limit talking to her in class or about school-related work...but definitely cut down seeing her in social settings. I know you hate the idea that doing that might make her just stop wanting to see you but maybe you need to realize that she's just not worth your time.
     
  7. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    :o damn good point go with iwishyouwerebeer's idea then
     
  8. dano

    dano OT Supporter

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    The more I read what's been said, it makes me feel like I am only that guy that fills the void when her boyfriend isn't at arms reach.

    She doesn't complain about her boyfriend 24/7. I know tonight she was texting him and even told him she was at a guy from school's house studying, which she said he was not happy about but she didn't say anything after that text. He sent a few more, but it wasn't an all-night thing.

    I read that as his opinion of what she does has no influence on what she is going to do and that she wants to spend time with me. If it's purely for friendship or if it's because she does like me, who knows. I know at least a few girls who would be grabbing their books and running out the door with one shoe on if their boyfriend didn't approve of the situation they were in for fear of being dumped or getting into a fight.

    Oy vey.

    I think I'm going to go about it by not approaching her in school (class or clinical) and seeing if she comes up to me when I walk away from her after very brief conversations. I do not mean that I'm going to avoid her like the plague, but just not make any effort to go and talk with her during breaks or when I get bored. I'll just talk with another classmate and if she comes up to me time and time again...maybe that's an indicator that she wants more than just someone to fill the void she has due to the LDR.
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Beautiful. I think this is the best answer for you right now because her reaction to this kind of action will prove how she really feels about you.
     
  10. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    From my lessons, telling a girl you like her is the worst move you could possibly make. showing her that you like her (aka getting caught up in the moment) is how you do it.

    but in this situation, if you do anything, you're doomed. basically what iwhsyouwerebeer said.

    if you keep being nice to her w/o making a move, you'll be friendzoned hardcore.
    if you tell her how you feel, you'll be rejected.
    if you show her how you feel, you guys may do something for a bit, but you'll never stay together cause she'll rush back to her long-distance boyfriend next time she sees him/talks to him.



    IMO: Your best bet is to STOP TALKING TO HER. Go on dates with other girls, do other things. Get your mind off of her. If you really like her, you'd want her to be in a position where she could choose you for you and not cause you're just "not like her current boyfriend".
     
  11. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    oh, that's what i get for not refreshing the page. anyways. :p
     
  12. dano

    dano OT Supporter

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    I think I'm going to go with my plan as stated above. I'll keep the gang here informed on how that goes, even if it means raising this thread from the dead in a month.

    Thanks for the advice. :)
     
  13. mrchina

    mrchina Guest

    Good luck, but I'm saying you're going to be set up for a bad time. Keep us updated.
     
  14. Hops

    Hops OT Supporter

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    There's a reason she is in a long distance relationship, or else she wouldn't be in it. I wouldn't chase after someone with a boyfriend, would you like it if it happened to you?
     
  15. dano

    dano OT Supporter

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    Maybe the relationship's gone to hell and she just doesn't want to go through all the heartbreak and emotional drama that comes with a breakup. I've known a number of people who can't stand their partner but stay with them because they can't picture life without them, no matter if they'd be better off.
     
  16. dano

    dano OT Supporter

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    Oh and by the way, my grandma who I live with decided it'd be a great idea to roll off the couch last night after falling out of a chair the night before. She's in the hospital now and diagnosed with Failure To Thrive. I work on a med-surg unit in a hospital and I've never seen a patient with that diagnose not leave in a body bag. Needless to say I'm not in much of a good mood.

    It all comes at once doesn't it lol.
     
  17. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    So that's just ok? I've personally known of people who have also just stuck with their SO's because they were comfortable and afraid to breakup with them. I thought they were pathetic (because they are). If she is miserable (which I doubt) then she's obviously not smart enough to do what is necessary to find happiness.

    Sorry about your grandma :hug:
     
  18. Nakier

    Nakier Führer of Fun

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    exactly how i feel, and its the same with guys too !

    Im in a LDR and like everyone u do get lonely and miss my gf v badly
     
  19. dano

    dano OT Supporter

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    Thanks about the grandma thing. :hs:

    As far as what you said, I don't think intelligence is the question in situations like that. Hell, I was only dating a girl for 5 months earlier this year and we argued constantly and always broke up, got back together, etc., etc. It was obvious what the right choice was but we were both too happy with each other when the times were good to actually break it off.
     
  20. Striker22

    Striker22 New Member

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    It sounds like you were friendzoned a while ago. It would take a lot to get out of it as well. If your there every second, it will never work nor change your FZ status. Don't chase till she is 100% out of the LDR then go for her if your so interested. If you see her in classes and outside of that as well with mutual friends, you may regret this 10 fold if you dive in with this situation.
     
  21. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    What he said, and also, I think someone can be "stupid" with one person (not actually stupid as in IQ, but stupid in the way you mean, as in lazy) but then they can be smart with another person. It all depends on how the two of them work off each other. I'm absolutely positive that someone else who dates my heartbreaking ex-gf from before will find himself dating a communicative, "intelligent" (in your sense of the word) woman, and equally positive that I could never find such qualities in my ex-gf while in a relationship with her. Jane as part of Jane & JJJ is a stupid girl, but Jane as part of Jane & SomeOtherCoolGuy is smart. Sometimes people are just bad for each other.

    = Yes, that is just ok.

    Cliff: Stupidity, as you mean it, is context dependent.
     
  22. dano

    dano OT Supporter

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    Meh, I think I'm done with her.

    I went to a club tonight to see Armin van Buuren play (he's ranked #1 DJ in the world) and I got into the VIP and stuff since I work for a picture company. I told her to call me when she got to the club so we could meet up, since I wasn't there with anyone else and she was coming with friends.

    So I'm in the VIP and who do I see wandering around but her and her friends. Yeah, thanks for the phone call. Then her one friend comes up and says "Oh you're Dan, I've heard lots of good things about you." Not sure what the heck that means, but okay.

    And then she proceeds to kiss enough ass to get to leave with the DJ and the other DJ who her friend was making out with. Nevermind that she knew he's only my favorite producer in ze world, but she didn't ask if I could tag along to the after-party they were going to.

    Oh, AND I helped her revise an assignment today and she never said thanks.

    Screw this bitch, I'm moving on. :wiggle:
     
  23. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    :sadwavey: about ur grandma and yea judging from that story it's time to move on
     
  24. dano

    dano OT Supporter

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    My grandma's gotten worse too. She's having hallucinations 24/7 and doesn't recognize any family. She called my mom a pilot and when she said no I'm your daughter she laughed and said no you're the pilot. :hs: They said it could have been caused by a severe reaction to an antibiotic but they should have gone away after 24-48 hours since the last dose, and it's been longer than that and if anything she's gotten worse.
     
  25. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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