Girl had a friend die...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by ww_Crimson, May 7, 2008.

  1. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    What the fuck are you supposed to say when a girl calls you and tells you that someone she knew passed away today.. I pretty much just said I don't know what to say to make you feel better and told her to just remember the good times she had with the kid.. The person who passed away was like 10 or 12 and had cancer but she had known him for about two years through a summer camp.. I said I had an open ear to listen to her if she needed to talk but i genuinely didn't know what to say to ease the pain..
     
  2. Sirius

    Sirius OT Supporter

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    there isnt much you can say, just let her know you're there for her.
     
  3. yankeeschick14

    yankeeschick14 New Member

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    Just be there with her. its not really about saying the right things but doing the right thing. Get her a movie (like an old comforting one, think: fox and the hound or toy story or something) and sit down on the couch, put her across your lap, and hold her. let her know you're there for her to talk to if she wants, but you're also just there to be with her. if she cries, hold her, wipe her tears away with your thumbs, and overall be extemely comforting and soothing.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Everyone always asks this. The best you can do is just say you're sorry for her loss and that you are there for her. That's really all there ever is to say other than possibly "he's in a bettre place now" if she believes in that stuff. Considering he was young and battling cancer for so long (which hurts) it is appropriate.
     
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    are you good at comforting people?
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Depends on the person and my relationship with them. From what I remember this guy is dating a girl who doesn't live within much driving distance so all his comforting is being done via phone. Can't really hug through the phone unfortunately.
     
  7. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    there are ways to do this really, really well. unfortunately i'm not familiar with them. i've just seen my lover talking to people who are hurt or have faced loss and thus know how much it's possible to support someone emotionally, even via phone. i don't remember exactly how she does it. maybe i can get her to post later.
     
  8. Bennybenguin

    Bennybenguin Active Member

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    Did you really have to preface that with "Everyone always asks this"
    :slap:
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    It gets asked a lot :dunno: I guess most people have never had someone close to them die so they have no idea what gets said.

    I've had a lot of death around me and from what I remember there's pretty much almost nothing anyone can say to necessarily make you feel better, but just saying "I'm here for you if you want to talk" is nice. That way when the person maybe is ready to talk they won't feel stupid to open up.
     
  10. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    like others have said, just be there for her as much as possible. there is nothing to say to make anything better, but your silence can do a lot. even if you guys cant physically see each other, as lame as it sounds, sit there on the phone with her even if you arent talking. she wont feel so alone, she will feel like you are there for her.

    its the simple things that are most comforting at these times. if you can see her, buy some of her favorite comfort food and bring it to her. sometimes when people are upset they dont think to take care of themselves and do things like eat, so make sure she keeps doing that. other than that, just sit there with her, hold her when she cries and let her get all the emotions out. when/if she wants to talk about it, listen. its better for her to talk about her pain than to hold it inside.
     
  11. Jacy

    Jacy red lipstick brigade

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    My bestfriend's friend died earlier this year, and I think it's just helpful to let her know that you're there for her if she needs you. My friend needed for someone to listen to her ... when I was suffering from a loss, I really did not like it when people would say "I'm sorry for your loss," "She's in a better place right now," or "Sorry to hear that" ..because often it seemed really contrieved and insincere to me, and I just felt like some of these people were just saying it because they could not think of anything else to say .. it just seemed to me like it's what they had heard other people say in the past. I felt like they were just mindlessly reciting these words to me, since that's what they feel they are expected to say ... this often made me feel really frustrated and alone :/

    I don't mean to say that I thought that everyone who tried to consul me was insincere, because there were people who I felt were sincere in their concern for me ... I just mean that I had a problem with people who I felt were just feeding me lines that they had not really thought about or truly meant

    I think what helped me most was when people just offered to be there to listen to me. In this situation, I feel like it's much more important to just be a good listener ... so you do not need to worry so much about what you can/should say.. just show her that you care about her
     
  12. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i thought i was weird for hating to hear "im sorry for your loss", "shes in a better place", etc. i was going to suggest the OP not say those things to his gf, but then i thought maybe i was just extra sensitive to the situation. but i have never liked it when somene said that. it makes me really uncomfortable, and like you said, even more alone

    i guess its assumed that people are sorry for your loss, so it doesnt actually need to be stated. the people who were truely there for me never said it once, they were just there. the people who said it were those people who rarely spoke to me and didnt know me well. i dont think they didnt mean it, but i still didnt want to hear it.
     
  13. owenstar

    owenstar New Member

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    I try and tell people "I am here to listen".....seems most people want to talk and not be talked to...just my thoughts on it....when someone dies people like to pour their hearts out on you....be thoughtful and just listen....let them have their moment so to speak
     
  14. upparoom

    upparoom OT Supporter

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    :werd:

    pretty much just let her vent, cry, whatever

    she doesnt want answers, she wants someone to listen to her
     
  15. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    we aren't guaranteed tomorrow
     

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