SRS gf was a cutter

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by JohnJohnJohnson, Aug 30, 2006.

  1. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    with everything else, i've always spoken my mind, but i've never said what i thought about this.

    situation is just that when she was young, she got depressed one year and "started cutting," which means making superficial scratches on ur arm with a sharp object.

    it seems to me like this is done entirely for attention. she frames it in a way that makes it seem like she doesn't think it's done entirely for attention - i feel like she thinks it's meaningful, like ooohhhh, i used to cut myself... see how sad i must have been?

    i've never said this to her. i don't like not saying what i think, but i've never known how to approach this without starting a big fight. it makes me feel bad / uncomfortable having something i strongly think go unspoken
     
  2. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Sounds to me like you are both right....I believe she was sad back then and I also believe it was for attention. They are not mutually exclusive ideas.
     
  3. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    My idea: she was sad back then, and chose to cut herself for attention. She wanted people to believe that she had an uncontrollable masochistic urge, when in fact there was only a slight masochistic urge, combined with a conscious attempt to impress an uncontrollable masochistic urge on people.

    Her idea (I'm sensing): she was so sad back then that it manifested itself as an uncontrollable masochistic urge.

    In other words, I feel like she's believing her own illusion. What makes me uncomfortable is not so much that, as that I don't know how to tell her this. And also that.
     
  4. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    You seem to have made up you mind on her motivations without even discussing the situation....or am I missing something??

    If that's the case then your conclusions may be incorrect.

    I would suggest you "check your motivations" here. Why do you feel the need to impart your views on her instead of trying to understand her better?? Is this a control issue on your part or do you have some other unresolved issues with her??

    I ask because if you love her, then IMO it would be much more beneficial to understand her then to force your beliefs of her motivations on her. You may say that you want to help her understand this situation better....to which I would reply the same way my shrink did....."Helpfullness is the sunny side of control". :)
     
  5. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    Well, the whole "cutting" thing has always been something I have not been completely able to wrap my head around. I tend to believe that in MOST cases it is done for attention, or a "cry for help" type thing. However, as Coottie mentioned, the sadness and the desire for attention, tend to go hand in hand.
    To me, it's obvious that some kind of screwed up emotional/mental state would be the enabling factor when someone does something like that. This is not something that someone in a "normal", healthy, state of mind will do, in GENERAL. (I am not speaking of those who choose to modify their bodies with scarification, etc. I believe that is a whole different thing.)

    In any case, this is something the gf did in the past, but doesn't anymore. Right? Is it something she talks about a lot? If not, I'd think it'd be best to to let it be, and not give it any more attention than it really deserves.

    If she's always talking about it, then perhaps you should be honest about your opinions, but in a tactful, way that doesn't seem condescending. Of course, you know your gf and how she reacts to things, so it's up to you to figure that bit out.
     
  6. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    cutting is a pretty serious thing. even if it's just attention... there's still something going on that someone would hurt herself to get attention. doesn't sound like your girl was too extreme with her cutting, but it still sounds abnormal. maybe bring it up with her and see what she says? she's not still cutting, is she?
     
  7. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    TO whatever degree you're correct, what's influenced my opinion is that part of me that perceives motivations, as opposed to consciously analyzing them. It's that part that watches the way something is said rather than the meaning of the words... this means it would be difficult for me to express why exactly I see her old behavior in this light.

    Maybe I'm just being retarded. Enbflo, she doesn't rlly talk about it often, but more than being comfortable talking about it, she tends to talk about it a little bit dramatically ... again, this is just how it comes off to me. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous. At any rate it's honestly the only subject I've never breached: my thoughts on her "cutting."
     
  8. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    nah, that was when she was 16 or something. it's in the past at this point
     
  9. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    Ah, well, if it makes you feel any better, I have witnessed more than one person speak of his/her history of that type of behavior in the very same manner, and, truth be told, it bugs the crap outta me. Makes me want to :rolleyes:.
    I am usually fairly "empathetic", or sympathetic, but for some reason that kind of stuff... I dunno... I don't GET IT.
     
  10. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    It feels like an appeal for attention, and considering the nature of the behavior, it is just a huge turn-off in those moments when she does talk about it.
     
  11. ledzep73

    ledzep73 New Member

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  12. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    From what you're posting, it seems like your saying that she "showed off" her cuts. In my opinion that is a cry for attention of a cry for help.

    Usually, cutters hide their scars/cuts; it's a secretive thing.

    it's meaningful to some people but it shouldn't be something that someone is proud of....if she seems proud of the fact that she use to cut, then yeah, it's for attention. bring it up with her. sometimes it takes an argument for someone to get their point across :dunno:
     
  13. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I can understand the perception argument afterall we all do it (percieve things). However, your conclusions of these perceptions are based on your frame of reference and IMO that means they could be incorrect.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd try to discuss the subject with her but from the perspective of trying to understand her. You may end up proving your perceptions but if you keep an open mind, you may in fact find that you are wrong. I would NOT suggest that you just force your ideas on her in an effort to prove the rightness of your arguments. Regardless of her motivations, there's likely a lot of pain behind her actions.

    I would not force the issue. If she's not comfortable discussing it then I'd drop it....no matter what!
     
  14. LiqwudIce

    LiqwudIce New Member

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    I'm surprised noone has mentioned the idea that some people cut because they'd rather feel the physical pains of the cut than the emotional ones. This the main reason i've heard for it. I doubt its because of attention, but i don't know anything more than you've said so i could be very well wrong.
     
  15. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    You know I think ur right, I'm coming into this with assumptions that are coloring my perceptions.
     
  16. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    exactly!

    The challenge will be to truly set those assumptions aside and look for the truth....not just evidence that you were right all along. Good luck.
     
  17. OoOlAlA

    OoOlAlA New Member

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    I have had a few friends that have done this and all four did it for attention, there is no doubt in my mind. the first one I use to feel really bad for her let her meet all my friends and she would come to school with her arm wrapped up or wearing a short sleeve shirt or with bandaids on them but not entirely so you could still see them. After awhile I got annoyed and didnt give a crap because its for attention she even put makeup on her face to make it look like she was beaten. Friend number to was a guy who one time brought me in a room and showed me and at that point i just said you shouldnt do that and walked out, all the time on msn he would tell me he is going to kill himself and blah blah blah get offline and i would see him the next day. Another friend would sit and do it in front of me just so i would grab the blade and throw it away she would always show me and say how bad it hurts. My other friend had big ass cuts that she did with scissor blades i thought she was serious but after awhile i seen it was attention once again she would sit with them out in the open and talk about them and pick her scabs and crap and write poems and send them to people. I mean if your girlfriend still talks about it i would say it is an attention thing. Its nothing to be proud. Simply tell her that it shouldnt be talked about because its not anything to be proud about, try it in the nicest way possible if it is bugging you. I would be more worried about a discrete cutter than an open cutter that talks about it and shows people and doesnt try to hide it.
     
  18. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Here's what I'm curious about: the way you mention this, it's like she must dwell on it a lot. Is she constantly bringing up the fact that she used to cut?

    If so, my thought is that she's holding it over your head to create guilt, and gain control over you to some extent. "Don't make me sad, I'll cut myself just like I used to do." Not only do you end up feeling guilty for making her sad, but you also walk on pins and needles, trying to keep her happy/satisfied by doing what she wants.

    So overall, I'd say don't let her hold it over your head like that. Next time she says it, just tell her you won't compromise yourself just because she's making threats.
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    She isn't attached enough to me to cling like that. I think it comes up every two months or so.

    "Well as long as u weren't doing any real damage, it's not something to be too worried about," is something I'd be tempted to say
     
  20. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    this is true
    sometimes the physical pain is easier to handle than the emotional pain someone is feeling. other times it is to bring feeling into what is otherwise an emotional void.

    it doesn't sound like this, though, usually cutting for this reason is more severe.

    even if she's telling you all of this for attention, which she very well could be, that's messed up in and of itself.

    what you said about telling her you're not really going to worry about it - the only thing i'd add to that is to say, "if you really feel like you have a problem with cutting, maybe you should talk to someone (i.e. a counselor/therapist) about it. otherwise, i don't think it's something i need to worry about, so don't bring it up anymore."
     
  21. 7960

    7960 New Member

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  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    i would never say "don't bring it up anymore"
    i would never want to hear those words out of her mouth either. imperatives ftl. the only time i use the imperative is when it's blatantly a request or when it's trivial, and she has automatically mirrored me in this regard
     
  23. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    Just tell your gf that although you care about her past, you are more concerned about her future with you. although it was sad that she did cut her self in the past, as long as shes not cutting herslef anymore, you dont want to discuss the subject.
    your underlying message will be "thats sad but you wont get any attention/pity from me."
    If shes mature enough to be in a relationship, shell give up her sob story and start better contributiong to the relationship. If not, maybe shes jsut not ready for a man in her life.
     
  24. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Dude...please stop equating physical damage with emotional damage. They are not the same.
     
  25. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Isn't that what she's doing? I'm separating the two by saying that. It means, the cutting itself doesn't mean shit. Which is true. Then if there's other stuff going on underneath she could say it straight up.

    Btw, this has been blown wayyyyyy out of proportion. Irl it's not that big a deal, especially since whatshisname convinced me i was viewing things from a predictive perspective
     

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