SRS GF trying to justify cutting herself.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Stilgar, Jan 11, 2005.

  1. Stilgar

    Stilgar New Member

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    Long story short, my GF was extremely depressed abtt a year back, before I was dating her or even knew her, and she used to cut herself.

    We've talked about the subject matter many times and everytime she refuses to see cutting herself as extremely selfish. She doesn't do it anymore, thank god, but the subject comes up a lot as she does have scars all over and up her right arm (shes left handed).

    She persistantly tells me that because I haven't done it, that I do not know what kind of a release it is. I tell her it is just an escape, and a wrong one to take at that. I say I've seen my friends do it, and it doens't fix anything. If it did, why do people continue to cut themselves.

    She seems to think that it was ok that she cut herself and that cutting herself made her a better person. I keep telling her, no, it didn't. Cutting yourself just gave you scars of which it is easier to remember emotional wounds. The scars on her arm serve as reminder of what she was going through at the time. What is the point?

    I tell her that it is selfish because it forces everyone that cares about her to worry about her.. and I tell her that I don't want to have her death on my mind, or her self mutilation on my mind because it makes me feel like shit. Then she calls me selfish. So I tell her that yes, to a certain degree, I am being selfish as is everyone on the world. She, however, is being more selfish in disregarding the feelings of others while she goes about her self mutilation.


    She doens't cut anymore, but I fear that people do not fundamentally changed, and she seems convinved that cutting solved her problems, which I am sure it didn't. It just took her mind of them for a while... thats all. A temporary placebo. I am afraid shje might fall into that self destructive spiral again should anything significantly upset her, and I worry about it everyday. I care for her more then anything else in the world, and being my best friend to being my girl friend only reiterates the fact that I love her and I would hate to see anything terrible happen to her.


    Have any of you had any problems with cutting, or with gf's/bf's or friends cutting?
     
  2. identityless

    identityless Guest

  3. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I'm not sure that describing the behavior as selfish is going to be helpful. Yeah, its selfish... but its only carried out when the self is in serious pain, and is thus impervious to thoughts about the impact that its actions will have on others.

    Anyway, she doesn't seem to have a healthy view of her problems. She should speak to her local mental health professional, if possible. No reason not to, if you have access to the care.
     
  4. Fishbait

    Fishbait Guest

  5. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    She's not going to fall back on it if she moves on to a better life. You should be encouraging her. Any kind of positive thought turns something negative into something good. Whether or not it's temporary has nothing to do with eventuality but more to do with how she lives her life from now on.
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Well if she already has stopped with it, you should indeed continue to encourage her to move on and solve her problems directly and not via indirect arm cutting. Which is only a symptom suppressor, not a problem solver.
     
  7. First of all....Don't Call Her Selfish!!!...Don't Put Her Down!!!!....Don't Make Her Feel Stupid!!!!
    Cutting is just another addiction...like drugs and achohal and of course you're going to worry about the person. but just like any other addiction you have to be supportive not judgemental....putting the person down will just make things worst, especially when they had a depression problem.
    Second of all...you will never understand why she did it...there's no possible way you could understand the release it gave her. The mind is a strange thing and everyone is going to react differently. Everyone deals with things in different ways...cutting can be a release, a form of couping, an escape a way of dealing with frustration, sadness, loneliness, fear etc....it helped her get through certain events and times in her life...a lot of the time a person with cuts all over themselves isn't necessarly trying to kill themselves...sometimes it's their own way of saying "i need help"
    So lastly....instead of being a jerk about it...listen to how she feels, encourage her...tell her good things about herself...don't dwell on the bad.
    If she's not doing it anymore..why is it kept being brought up?! no one wants to relive the bad times in their lives. enless she's hiding in the bathroom slitting her wrists i'd suggest letting the subject go.
    I know you have reasons to be concerned but don't keep putting her down and calling her selfish.....
     
  8. SELF-INJURY IN ADOLESCENTS ​

    American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry​

    Self-injury is the act of deliberately destroying body tissue, at times to change a way of feeling. Self-injury is seen differently by groups and cultures within society. This appears to have become more popular lately, especially in adolescents. The causes and severity of self-injury can vary. Some forms may include:

    * carving
    * scratching
    * branding
    * marking
    * picking, and pulling skin and hair
    * burning/abrasions
    * cutting
    * biting
    * head banging
    * bruising
    * hitting
    * tattooing
    * excessive body piercing ​

    Some adolescents may self-mutilate to take risks, rebel, reject their parents' values, state their individuality or merely be accepted. Others, however, may injure themselves out of desperation or anger to seek attention, to show their hopelessness and worthlessness, or because they have suicidal thoughts. These children may suffer from serious psychiatric problems such as depression, psychosis, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Bipolar Disorder. Additionally, some adolescents who engage in self-injury may develop Borderline Personality Disorder as adults. Some young children may resort to self-injurious acts from time to time but often grow out of it. Children with mental retardation and/or autism may also show these behaviors which may persist into adulthood. Children who have been abused or abandoned may self-mutilate.

    Why do adolescents self-injure?

    Adolescents who have difficulty talking about their feelings may show their emotional tension, physical discomfort, pain and low self-esteem with self-injurious behaviors. Although they may feel like the "steam" in the "pressure cooker" has been released following the act of hurting themselves, teenagers may instead feel hurt, anger, fear and hate. The effects of peer pressure and contagion can also influence adolescents to injure themselves. Even though fads come and go, most of the wounds on the adolescents' skin will be permanent. Occasionally, teenagers may hide their scars, burns and bruises due to feeling embarrassed, rejected or criticized about their deformities.

    Evaluation by a mental health professional may assist in identifying and treating the underlying causes of self-injury. Feelings of wanting to die or kill themselves are reasons for adolescents to seek professional care emergently. A child and adolescent psychiatrist can also diagnose and treat the serious psychiatric disorders that may accompany self-injurious behavior.

    Reference

    (1)aacap.org - Self Injury
     
  9. Send me a PM and I will send you an article on cutting and self injury. I think rather than imposing on her your views, you need to stop doing that. For her cutting is clearly an outlet, and although it's an unhealthy outlet, trying to tell her to stop using the only thing that sometimes may keep her alive [she mentioned suicide] is a very ignorant thing to be doing. To you cutting doesn't make sense, but to the cutter it is protective mechanism that helps them survive and cope with often overwhelming circumstances. Each cutter has different reasons, but clearly in this case it's to cope with emotional disturbance of some sort.

    My first advice to you is not to take offense to what I've said and second that you need to educate yourself from a medical point of view as to why this is taking place and how you can be effective in communicating with her what you learn.

    Trying to tell someone with an illness how to be, or which coping mechanisms to use that brings them relief is absolutely cruel unless you also provide them options and provide them enough time and "how to" and treatment to use those options. You aren't trained nor educated on the subject to do that. This is not a job for you, it's a job for a specialist.
     
  10. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    If she's stopped doing it... then its no longer a problem. This sounds more like you having issues with her past than her having issues with cutting?
     
  11. brokenrobot

    brokenrobot Guest

    You would never know the rush unless you did/do it.
    There's a release, a release that seems to make everything ok for just a little bit.
    When you realize what you've done, it's 1000 times worse though.

    Don't put her down though.
     
  12. Throwdown

    Throwdown whore destroyer

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    I have an interesting story for you. I dont know how involved you are with your girlfriend. But i'm about to marry a girl that used to cut herself. She told me "it made me feel better" etc. Basically i explained to her that hurting herself hurts me and the people that love her. "When you wound yourself it hurts me inside, just like it hurts you outside. Please dont hurt me again." She has now grown past that and she is able to talk about her problems instead of inflicting pain on herself. She just needed someone to show her the attention she needed. Instead of MAKING someone pay attention to her by hurting herself.
     
  13. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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