GF told me she doesn't want to have sex anymore...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by haargerman, Jan 30, 2009.

  1. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    To cut the long story short, it is because she is afraid of getting pregnant.

    Background:

    I am 21, she is 20.
    I took her Virginity 1 year ago. Together for almost 2.5 years.
    We use protection EVERY time.
    We do not live together.
    For the past year, it has been great getting her to open up, experiment, try new things because she had never been in an intimate relationship before.

    She is completely against going on the pill at this point in her life. Her reasons behind this include: the side effects, having to worry about taking a pill every day (she is terrible at taking medication..but I think she would get used to it). She is afraid BC will mess with her body, and she also doesn't like it would be worth it because we don't have sex every day.

    However, she says she agonizes over getting her period every month, because even though we use condoms, she still somehow thinks she could get pregnant. I have assured her this is very unlikely, but breaks do happen.

    The difficult part is she doesn't have anyone to talk to about this, or birth control (like the pill, or patch). Her mother is an UBER Christian and still thinks she is a Virgin...when my GF brought up the topic of sex to her mother, her mom flipped. My GF also doesn't really have any close girlfriends who have consistent sex.

    I have told her she needs to go to the gyno and talk to a doctor about this (forms of birth control and whatnot). But she uses the argument she doesn't have time (no car, no license, school full-time).

    Sorry about the long thread...any insight would be great. How can I convince her everything will be ok, or how to get her to a doctor?

    Thanks :)
     
  2. snoodles

    snoodles New Member

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    I would advise sitting down and having a long talk with each other. Find out if there are any other underlying reasons why she doesn't want to have sex. Maybe you can driver her to the doctor sometime.

    Regardless, if at the end she doesn't feel comfortable having sex, I'd say respect that each other's stance and keep an open line of communication. One of the fastest ways I've seen a good and healthy relationship turn sour is because someone starts using the "not wanting to have sex" against the other person.
     
  3. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    I would definitely drive her to the doc if she would consent to going and make an effort to schedule an appointment, but she refuses.
     
  4. giz

    giz Active Member

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    I don't see how a relationship could work, going from sex to no sex.
     
  5. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    It sounds like you're interested in finding a solution that will work for both of you :h5:

    Visit Planned Parenthood's website for the options they offer. You can check it out alone and the next time you see her, bring it up and look at their site together. Then, can you take her / go with her? You don't have to go in for the exam unless she wants you there but your support would probably mean a lot to her. And even when or if she gets some sort of birth control, double protection (you still wrap it) would probably make her feel better.
     
  6. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    there should be a doctor on campus or very close that she could go to, so thats not a good excuse. the doctor can listen to her concerns and match her up with a pill that works best for her life. the patch is available and does not require her to take it daily. not every pill will have a bad reaction with her body.

    i worried about getting my period every month for years, that may never change.

    i would see if there are any other reasons she wants to stop (guilt maybe? you said her family was urber christian) or something else in the relationship she is questioning.

    if nothing else, then you need to decide if you can stay happy in that relationship. she made her decision and you need to make yours. while she has every right to do whatever she wants with her body (sex, no sex, pill, no pill) you also have those same rights with yours and i think it is a cruel thing to take away sex in the middle of a relationship when i know its such a fundamental piece of the puzzle
     
  7. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    No MD on campus, only a campus RN. Not a state school, so it provides no birth control or anything like that. I go to a reeeeeally small private school.

    Thanks for the insight though :bigthumb:

    We had a brief conversation about this other day (when she brought it up), and to be honest I wasn't too in to it because when your GF tells you she's not so sure about having sex anymore...:eek4: is what I was thinking.
     
  8. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    i agree about the pill

    if she really wants to have sex with you, she's not going to be able to prevent herself from indulging through her willpower...
     
  9. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    Is the pill the only option for someone her age?
     
  10. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i understand being shocked and confused when she first brought it up, so i would bring it up again, and try to have as open and honest a conversation as possible.

    like someone else said, planned parenthood (or another clinic similar) is a great idea since the school doesnt have a doc. money doesnt need to be an issue there, everything can be free. if shes scared, go with her.
     
  11. victimizati0n

    victimizati0n New Member

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    even if it did break, you can go for the morning after pill..
     
  12. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    the patch should be an option, as well as an IUD. Going to the doc will tell her for sure and together they can research what the best option is for her and her needs.

    if she does end up on the pill, a great way to remember to take it every day is to set a cell phone alarm. i have mine set for the same time every day, and when it goes off, i take my pill. sure, its a responsibility, but its a lot less of a responsibility than a baby, so i think its worth the effort to be so exact
     
  13. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    sounds like my mom and i's relationship :rofl:

    have her go to planned parenthood if there's no health clinic on campus, that way she can also keep it confidential from her mom/parents as well. If anything, and she still doesn't go on the pill/hormonal method, as someone in healthcare they can reassure her the effectiveness of condoms, and talk to her about other possible methods [iud, pill, ring, implanon, etc.]
     
  14. titansfan16

    titansfan16 New Member

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    I can feel for you and her......my parents are pretty conservative and for a long time I was afraid to get on the pill. I finally did get on the pill and like someone else said I set my alarm on the phone to remember when to take. Now I will let you know now that sometimes I still forget to take my pill. IF that does happen I take it when I remember and tell my BF and just dont have sex for a week so as to make sure not to get pregnant. As far as the effects it has on your body they now have the low dose pills like the one I'm on that doesnt have as many hormones.
     
  15. C.W.

    C.W. OT Supporter

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    Get her on other forms of birth control.

    Pill
    Shot
    Patch
     
  16. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    while hormonal bc are the easiest options, they do have some serious adverse side effects for some people, so her concerns about that are legit. and i've heard nothing but horror stories about the shot.

    i think she should try a hormonal method out, and if it doesn't work out for her/she's having too many side effects, she has every right to want to continue using non-hormonal methods instead [but yes, that means she's still having sex and has to get over her irrational fears about getting pregoo if you guys are being careful]

    however, there's no way i could go from a sexual relationship to a non-sexual relationship... just wouldn't be an option for me personally :hs:

    goodluck to you, TS
     
  17. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I need to be honest with you, a woman saying something like this raises red flags for me. In all likelihood it is another reason. Sex is extremely important for emotional bonding for women, they will not go without it especially if you guys have been having it for some time and dating for 2+ years?... That just does not add up, something is going on. You need to talk.
     
  18. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    this is my hunch as well
     
  19. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    as is mine.

    Despite paranoid concerns about pregnancy and STD, if she still wanted to have sex with you, she'd be open to going to the doc/gyno and at least hearing her options. But she doesn't.

    So, what she's telling you is..."I ABSOLUTELY do NOT want to have sex with you. I am so set on this, I am not even considering getting info on other options about safety".

    This IS a huge red flag.
     
  20. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    There is the ring as well, put in every month. And there are different variations of pills, so its VERY easy to find one right for her. There is also the one that goes in your arm, and it lasts for 2 years. I've heard GREAT things about that one.

    There has to be something up, because the pill is the best way to prevent pregnancy when taken correctly. And being in school full time is complete BS. I go to school full time AND work. I still have time in my day to fit a lot of things in.
     
  21. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    Have you talked about what would happen if she did get pregnant?

    I can't think of a way you can convince her she's protected enough, but a doctor would either tell her she is or help her get enough protection to be satisfied (which is what Vodka said in a different context her first post). Also, discussing what would happen if there was an unplanned pregnancy could help her fears.

    Also keep in mind that if she did get pregnant and Plan B was an option for you two, you would need the same resources that provide birth control. Think about looking them up and know how to get Plan B if you need it because there could be a small window of opportunity with your location. I have friends who's doctors wouldn't give them Plan B on moral basis (I live in Utah) and they had to call all over the city.
     
  22. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    If she has any upbringing similar to mine, which it sounds like she does [overly religious/sexually repressive].. it takes a LONG time and a lot of internal conflict to reconcile your sexual desires with what has been ingrained in you for so long. If I had my guess, that's probably a component of it, mutually exclusive from her SO, and I do believe the irrational pregnancy fear is probably legit, but probably not the main reason.
     
  23. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    you're against abortion right? what would happen if she got preggo?
     
  24. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    Maybe I worded it a bit too strongly. The way she told me was more like... "I don't want to have sex because im afraid of getting pregnant. I enjoy being intimiate with you, but the fear of something happening is always bothers me."
     
  25. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    She is against abortion.

    Personally, I have no moral or religious views against it.
     

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