SRS gf lied about past, now exgf I don't know what to do

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by rat, Jul 29, 2008.

  1. rat

    rat New Member

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    Here is the backstory OT. While deployed to Iraq (still am) a girl I knew when I was going to college and I started talking online. This all started in mid to late march. Towards the end of march I told her how I had feelings for her and if i was home I would like to be dating her. She was hesitant at first because she thought I was just going to use her for sex when I was on my 2 weeks leave. Eventually I convince her that isn't the case.

    While we were talking about this in late march or april I asked her if there was anyone else in the picture. She said no, hadn't even gotten any for 2-3 months. Now we weren't commited or anything at that time, but she would tell me if someone else comes up. The whole time until late june when i came home for 2 weeks we were just counting down the days and couldn't wait to see eachother. We would talk online for 8 hours at a time almost every night. She keeps reassuring me there is nobody else. Tells me about this guy Billy that had called her a couple times. Tells me they were just friends but she didn't hang out with him anyways because she knows I am super jealous.

    Finally get home and I had the best 2 weeks of my life with her. We spent every waking moment together. We went on a couple trips and stayed in a resort for a couple nights and a cabin for 1 night. I'd never felt this strongly about a girl before. Halfway through when we are at the resort and had been drinking she mentions something. Tells me that she thinks I am the one for her and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. That she had been talkin to her mom about us trying to find out how you know when you found the one. She said she just knew I was. She went on to say she has never felt anything like this in her life. She was so sure about us staying together forever.

    I'll admit I had thoughts like she did, but didn't tell her right away. I don't talk about how I feel most of the time. I was falling in love with her. I didn't want to go back and regret not telling her. So one night when we were layin in bed talking about how she wants to marry me someday and all that serious stuff. I told her I had something to say. It took me almost 10 minutes to say it, but i finally told her. First thing she says is "you just gave me butterflys" then tells me that she loves me. Now it took her 3 years to say that to the only other person she had told it to. So it means the world for her to say it. We agree that nothing like marriage would happen until I leave the army (2.5 years).

    When I left to come back overseas we talked for almost 8 hours online every night. I would stay up all night talking to her. I was never so sure about anything.

    Well yesturday somehow april and may got brought up. I started asking questions. She admitted to me that during april she slept with 2 guys. One of them Billy, who she claimed was just a friend. She said this was when she wasn't sure about where we were going and thought i was just going to use her. Also assured me that it was only once with him and completly cut off contact with any of them towards the end of april.

    So she didn't cheat on me because we weren't together, but she lied. Also lied about not getting laid in 2 months. She also lied about not having a past with Billy. She claims she lied because she didnt expect us to get together at the time.

    Well I went fucking ballistic. Calling her every name under the sun and broke up with her. She begged and pleaded for hours for me to not do it. She kept telling me she can't live witout me. I am the only one for her. She would love me till the day she dies no matter what. I am her soulmate. I showed no mercy and just continued berating her. She threatened to take a bunch of pills to kill herself because there is no point in living without me. I get the police deptartments number off their site and call them and report her address and where she works. Hours later she gets online and tells me she didn't do anything and thought i would know she was kidding about killing herself. Well the cops and paramedics showed up at her work with her crying family and forced her into an ambulance.

    She is taken to the hospital and they see she is fine. She talks with a psychiatrist and then goes home with her family. They force her to stay in their bedroom for 3 days she can't leave for anything. I am still talking to her as of now.

    I hate this feeling. I still love her so much. I want to spend my life with her. But I don't know if i can forgive her for that ever completly. I wish I wasn't so upset about her lieing. She is telling me she will do whatever it takes. She says she will never ever be with another boy. Says im the only one for her. Says she will never stop loving me.

    cliffs: i want to be with her more then anything in the world, but dont know if i can stop being upset with what she did even though i know im insecure, jealous, and probly overreacting



    What should I do?
     
  2. Chuck

    Chuck New Member

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    You can't base a relationship on lies. She lied about what she did when you weren't there. Period. People don't just lie. People lie for reasons. She lied to keep you from finding out she was sleeping with other people. That is NOT how you start a relationship.

    So you need to either forgive her for lying to you (which sets a dangerous precedent) or you move on. If it were me I'd move on.

    Basically she said she'd lied to you because she thought it wouldn't matter. That's one step away from "I lied because I thought you'd never find out."
     
  3. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    Every one lies. I know it sucks that she did but she lied before you guys started dating and you mentioned that she didn't really trust you. What reason did she have at that point to tell you the truth? I generally don't tell some one I have only been talking to for a month about my sex life. That isn't exactly the kind of stuff you air. She may have lied about doing things before you were dating but now that you are she told you the truth. I say cut her some slack. If you want to be with her so much be with her and give her another chance.
     
  4. GanglyGoodness

    GanglyGoodness .

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    She was worried about you using her yet she slept with two different guys in the same month? Weird.
     
  5. rat

    rat New Member

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    Everything said in here are things that are constantly running through my head. I hate it I don't know if i want to wait and see if i get over it or stop talking to her
     
  6. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    sounds like she was just trying to come clean with you before you start becoming more serious. i would cut her some slack.
     
  7. danceswdevils

    danceswdevils New Member

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    Forget about the lying and manipulation. Do you REALLY want to be involved with someone who threatens suicide over a breakup? Are you kidding me? Why do you want all that drama in your life?

    Get the hell out of there.
     
  8. danceswdevils

    danceswdevils New Member

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    And yes, you are needing way too much reassurance, way too early in a relationship. You need to assume that any girl worth talking to has a life, that it probably includes other guys who find her attractive, and that you'll just have to take your time and see how it all plays out.
     
  9. rat

    rat New Member

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    I don't know why, but I'm always attracted to the crazy ones. I think I'm the only guy that likes when they're all clingy and jealous. I dont know, I'm weird like that.
     
  10. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    you're not weird, but it sure as hell speaks to your character.

    Do not get back with this girl...she lied to you, and has started all that drama...not worth it, and it would be insanely hard to rebuild the relationship. Throw in more long distance, it's a death sentence.

    You like the crazy clingy girls because they make you feel worthwhile...but trust me, if all you date are crazies, you'll never be happy.
     
  11. rat

    rat New Member

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    Nice to get a woman's input here, thanks. But if i do decide to take her back im going to wait a month or so and see if she still feels the same way about me as she does now.
     
  12. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    i just think it's worth having a grown up conversation about. you may be jealous and insecure, but you should at least train yourself not to absolutely flip out when you hear something that upsets you. TELL HER, calmly, exactly how you feel. maybe her responses will help put your mind at ease :dunno:
     
  13. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Lying about past.

    Cheating on you.


    Um both of those are red flags. Move on and find better. She did you a favor.

    Don't get back together because if you do it will always be in the back of your mind if you're gone for an extended period of time or if there's a guy she seems really friendly with.

    She's already shown you what kind of person she is (what her core values are (sleeping with other people is ok when you're away), etc.). Therefore you two are fundamentally not compatible (unless you agree that such behavior is ok, but you don't, or you wouldn't be making this thread)).

    If you get back together she will cheat on you again and you'll end up divorced.
     
  14. rat

    rat New Member

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    We weren't together when all that happened. She didn't cheat on me. She doesn't even talk to any guys anymore. I made the thread because she lied about it. But that was even before we were really together so I'm starting to think about a second chance.
     
  15. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Oops I must've misread your post.

    Ok well here's another example:

    Crazy + drama.

    I wonder what other crazy things she would threaten you with. It also sounds like she says things she doesn't mean. IMO that's also a red flag. Spontaneous speaking without thinking first, etc., kind of paves the way for trust issues in the future. I'm extrapolating a bit here but hopefully you get the point.
     
  16. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    She was a single woman. It was none of your business who she was sleeping with or spending time with, and she probably didn't tell you 1. Because its none of your business, and 2. Because you are 'super jealous' over a woman who you have no right to be any sort of jealous over.

    She didn't have to tell you AT ALL.

    That said, she probably deserves better than someone who calls her names when she gives him information he's nagging about.

    She is clearly a bit nuts (threatening suicide over some guy who treats her like shit) but thats not the point. You need to really, really look at the way you treat people before you get into a relationship. There is no reason, what soever, why an adult should ever berate a someone 'flip out' call names, or anything of that nature.

    The split second my BF called me a name he would be gone, thats what frustrated children do
     
  17. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    wow you got some serious jealousy/anger issues I can understand why she didn't tell you in the first place she's probably scared of you. She doesn't talk or hang out with other guys b/c she knows you don't like it? :ugh: That might be fine for now but eventually she's going to resent you for that and leave your ass, might not be till you two are married for 10 years with 2 kids but its going to happen.

    Not saying she's perfect either anyone that threatens suicide over a guy/girl needs help too.
     
  18. rat

    rat New Member

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    I hate myself for being so jealous and acting like such a scumbag. I feel like i don't deserve her sometimes. :hs:
     
  19. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    :werd:

    You wouldn't tell her about other girls you were sleeping with while you were just starting to get to know her. This isn't breakup shit, although if I were counseling her, I'd tell her to stay away from you, because you sound abusive and controlling.
     
  20. SeaMack99

    SeaMack99 OT Supporter

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    coming from one service member to another who, has been in a very similar situation here is my advise to you....

    i personally think it can be handled in two ways.

    cut bait and find another woman. sure she did the 'respectable' thing and told you, and you technically weren't together, but no matter what it will always be in your mind. which will eventually lead to serious trust issues and the self destruction of the relationship.

    or you can take a step back and slow the relationship back down to being just friends. you've got two years left with probably atleast one more deployment. its way better to be just friends until all that is over with and you can spend time and work on the relationship if you wish to take it further.
     
  21. rat

    rat New Member

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    :bowdown:
    Great minds think alike.
    The other day i told her lets just be friends to take the pressure off so I can see if i can get over this.
     
  22. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    You don't. Get therapy. I mean that in the most constructive way possible.
     
  23. Traker82

    Traker82 New Member

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    A relationship is trust, if you don't trust her, you don't love her, you just lust after her, or yearn for what it could have been. I ended a long relationship for this very reason, my ex had a guy friend she dated in high school and only then because there were no longer any feelings. The first lie was, "Oh well for the next 2 years after high school we were together on and off, but that was all". The 2nd and final Lie was "a few years ago he wanted to have a 3some with his gf of the time and her, so she did". That was it for me I loved her but I knew that would be in the back of my mind forever and I couldn't trust her. Save yourself the pain of thinking what is or could be and forget it, you will feel relieved to lighten this load.
     
  24. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i was going to say the same thing. if you have super jealousy issues, i dont think its a good idea to have a gf at all while you are out of the country. it can only end badly, obviously

    while i can understand you being upset that she didnt tell you she slept with guys when you were first talking, she didnt technically HAVE to tell you either, so the fact that you ever found out is probably her trying to be totally honest about everything, which i think is good at least. the thing that is a huge red flag to me is that both of you were talking about "forever" when you have only spent 2 weeks together as a couple in the same place.

    so take a step back, focus on what you need to do in the army, and revisit this whole thing when you are done, if you are even still interested.

    and grow up too. screaming at her gets you no where, no matter how wrong she may be in a situation.
     
  25. Mugen92GS-R

    Mugen92GS-R New Member

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    DOT.

    I'm glad someone else thinks the thread starter is the one in the wrong here. Jesus man, you weren't even together when it happened. Don't tell me you've never lied about shit you've done... sounds to me like you nagged the shit out of her, and then when you found out... oh noes... she has people before me! you freaked out... which you shouldn't have.

    So long as she's not lying to you now, I don't see how it matters that she lied to you when she didn't even know if she wanted to hang out with you yet...
     

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