SRS GF is going to a club

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Apothis, Jul 22, 2006.

  1. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    My gf got invited to go out with some female co-workers (who are all single or having marital problems). A girls-night-out sort of thing. The night isn't expected to start until 8-9pm, and is expected to go until probably 2am. I am NOT cool with this. I don't mind her going out with friends from work. I don't mind her having fun. But I do mind her having certain kinds of fun. And her drinking and probably grinding up on random guys is not a kind of fun I approve of. She already has a bad enough past as it is, and much of it involving alcohol and sex-driving environments like clubs. I would strongly prefer that she just avoid that kind of situation all together, but especially when I'm not even there. We've been together the better part of a year so far, and I liked to think that her whorish-party-girl days were behind her. She says crap like "nothing will happen" and that I just don't trust her, and that she "could" choose not to drink. But that doesn't make me anymore comfortable with it.

    I'm really pissed with her and barely talking to her. In fact, the last time I saw here was dropping her off at her mom's house a little bit ago and, instead of getting out and going in with her, I just drove on and went home, and she'll be locked out if she shows up here. Earlier she said "don't look at me like that, I haven't done anything wrong". I gave no response, but in my head I thought "yeah, you just eager intend to and don't give a shit how I feel about it". I'm was looking to marry this girl and have a family. But today I'm not as sure. Whether she comes home in an hour or 2am, I'm not sure I'll even unlock the door.

    Another "party girl" thing about her that has bothered me is that she agreed to go out without having any idea where they were going or how late they'd be out. Basically an open-ended "anything goes" situation. Am I the only one who feels this this NOT appropriate behavior for someone in a long term relationship? Maybe she's forgotten, but she's not still single, and I don't think it's ok for her to act like she is. At the very least, it's really inconsiderate and disrespectful to be out on the town doing whatever crazy single-person stuff, when she as a bf at home who has no idea when she will return, what/who she's doing, or where she even is. I don't want to be paranoid or insecure or controlling, but this just doesn't feel right.

    She accuses me of being a wet blanket and not wanting her to have any fun, and that there's nothing wrong with her wanting to go out and have fun. But I've already told her it depends on the environment. If they were going to a restaurant or concert or any other pretty innocent thing, that's fine. I'd hope they have a good time. But it's much less fine spending all night into the wee hours of the morning in an environment with only two purposes: getting drunk and getting laid, both of which she already did too much of before me, imo.

    A whorish party girl isn't the type of person I want to make a family with, and she was supposed to have changed. She's supposedly a whole new person since meeting me. The old her was somebody I could never respect, but that's in the past and she's supposed to be different now. But when she goes and does shit like this, things like what the old her used to do ..it makes me wonder who I'm really involved with.
    :wtc:
     
  2. SxyLambdaLady6

    SxyLambdaLady6 New Member

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    if u cant trust her then how is ur relationship with her gonna work. my bf trusts me and i always go out with my friends, sorority sisters, we always dont know what time are goin to get back and what not. but he doesnt mind cuz he trusts me, he knows that i love him and only him. he knows that i know my limits, with drinking with guys whatever. when i go to clubs i never dance with strangers, if i do dance with someone its someone i know and am friends with. there is nothing whorish about goin out to a club. yes i do agree that the guys go there to try to get laid, but they always go home with the whores. the girls that go there to just have fun with thier friends just do that, have fun with their friends thats it. if she has a past then so what, that doesnt mean shes like that now. ive partied a lot in my life, ive had a past but that doesnt mean i would disrespect my boyfriend for any reason. he is the love of my life and even if i do go out to the club and get drunk with my friends i will always have him on my mind and i will always go back to his place at the end of the night....to an unlocked door.

    ur basically already assuming that she is goin to do something whoreish
    if u think of her that way already u really need to consider ur respect for her
    seems like u dont really think that highly of her
    without trust there is no relationship

    how old are u guys btw
     
  3. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    me 26, her 25
     
  4. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    UPDATE.

    Well her night has finally "begun", at about 11:15pm. Fortunately, we've talked and she finally took my feelings into consideration. Supposedly, they're going to a restaurant now. My dumbass forgot what restaurant she said they're going to, but I'll ask about it later anyway. Thing is, there are two it can be that have almost the same name. One closes at 11 (so if it's that one, then I've been lied to). The other is open 24hrs, and I think that's what was said, or at least meant. I'm not too worried about it. I'm glad we talked things out. So as far as I'm aware, they're gonna go chill at a late night restaurant (I think with live music), be there a few hours probably, and then come home. Now nobody has to go to bed angry I guess.
     
  5. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    You do sound pretty insecure imo. If she loves you she loves you, she won't do stupid shit. But keeping her on lockdown and not letting her do what she likes to do for fun, as far as just hanging out with friends here and there will only lead her to possibly lie to get around it later.

    I used to think this same way, and used to be jealous as hell when the gf used to go out with friends, but all in all, I grew a strong trust for her and realized nothing ever happened. Think of it this way, if something DID happen, and lets say she cheated or something, wouldn't you rather find out now than later after you are married with kids?

    Doesn't sound like she keeps you on lockdown from hanging out or going out, just because you are stuck at home by yourself you are coming up with all these random thoughts and want her to be bored with you. Get yourself together, man, stat! Or I really don't see this relationship flourishing much longer with this lack of trust. :hs:
     
  6. wicked max

    wicked max New Member

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    good luck with that...I felt the same exact way as you do..I talked to her about it, and in the end she chose to the party scene instead of me. She chose her "girls" and going out every weekend and getting wasted than to be with me. We were together for 4 years we live together for about 3 and a half....She packed up her things the next day and left while I was at work.Coming home that night to the decision she took was the most heartbreaking thing I ever had. I still remember her saying she would never leave me, and dare hurt me. I still can't believe she did that to me. Tonight I sit here depressed, crying my eyes out while she is out at some dudes party getting wasted and having fun.:wtc:


    i wish you the best and hope that doesn't happen to you...I would never wish that feeling on anyone...not even on my enemies.:wtc:
     
  7. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    She still ended up coming home shitfaced drunk and vomiting half the night. She said these sentences numerious times each between puking: "I'm sorry", "do you hate me now?", "I didn't cheat on you", "I should have listened to you", and "never let me do this again".

    I tried to avoid the I-told-you-so routine because she was already miserable enough as is. I just hope the remembers that night in the long run, because the next time she gets a bright idea like that, I'll damn well remember it. Though things ended up actually pretty good vs what might have been.

    She could have cheated, or blacked out and had things happen that she wouldn't remember later (which has happened with her before when one of her male ex-"friends" took advantage of/raped her at a party she got wasted at). She could have been driving and caused a terrible accident. All sorts of things could have resulted from the situation she put herself in, and that's just from going to a restaurant. If she had gone to the club, the odds would have been even worse. Keep in mind also we're trying to get pregnant and have my first kid. If she had been preggers and her drinking fucked up my kid, I'd never forgive her and probably kill her myself if she ever touched alcohol again.

    Trashy is the nicest way I can describe her behavior, and I won't have that for my mate, life partner, future-mother-of-kids, etc. It's simply not acceptable. She asked me not to let it happen again, but don't worry ..it better not. I told her I don't ever want to see her like that again. This is not the kind of behavior that builds trust. It only creates more doubt. You want me to trust you? Then why put yourself in doubt-inspiring situations to begin with? Why play with fire?

    I already hate drunks with a passion (and I can thank for one having semi-crippled legs the rest of my life). I can not and will not have a wife who does that. I can accept an occasional, moderate drink. But I will not accept her getting drunk. I hope she learned her lesson this time, because there better no be a next time. Her days of being a trashing whorish party girl are over and it's past time for her to start acting like it. She claims to have changed from her old lifestyle, and I absolutely expect to hold her to that.

    There are SO many things most guys with any self-respect would have dumped her over long ago. She is lucky I didn't. I decided to accept her past and put it behind us so long as it really was behind us. But I don't want her to make me regret that decision, and that's what this thread was about really.
     
  8. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    I'm really sorry to hear that man. I hope the same doesn't happen with me, and wish it hadn't happened to you. Girls really fucking suck sometimes, and not in the good way.
    :sadwavey:
     
  9. onslaught61

    onslaught61 OT Supporter

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    I'm sorry to hear about both of your gf's. My gf doesn't really party much or drink much, but she does meet a lot of guys who fall for her easily, and I don't know how I should react to that other than to just trust her judgment. She tells me she wants me to put restrictions on her cause it's easier so we don't have to worry about her doing anything, but in the end to me it just seems like I'm putting a leash on her which I don't want to do. I want her to make her choices and make ones that show that she loves me, and not make me control her. I don't know what to do.
     
  10. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    That's how I am. I DON'T want to be a "controlling" type of person. But wtf am I supposed to do when she is behaving questionably and jeopardizing both herself and the relationship? If you truly care, you can't just not say anything, and bottling up stuff that bothers you doesn't help any.

    Probably most people don't like being told what to do. And probably most of us don't want the responsibility of having to tell anybody what to do. But if there is something that's a problem then something needs to be done or said.
     
  11. onslaught61

    onslaught61 OT Supporter

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    I just want her to be able to make her own decisions so I truly know how much she cares about me, and if she makes a bad decision, I'll know what she's capable of doing, instead of controlling her and not knowing whether she would do something if I didn't.
     
  12. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    I think that your insecurity over your girlfriend having a night out at a club is a big sign that perhaps she's the type that would cheat or do something unsavory. Every great once and awhile my girlfriend gets invited to go downtown with the girls on a ladies night and I have no problem letting her go. I trust her 100%.

    The only thing I worry about is some guy getting too aggressive or mad at her because she will walk away if one tries to dance on her. I also worry about her getting robbed or driving while intoxicated.

    She doesn't do this often, maybe one night every 3 or 4 months and the only thing I do is tell her to have fun but to be safe and don't drink too much. She is the same way with me. We both know what is disrespectful and what we wouldn't want each other to do so neither of us will ever cross that line.

    So for you to be getting this upset about your girlfriend having a ladies night, it tells me that you don't trust her that much. Maybe you know that you don't trust her that much but also know that your lack of trust is well founded. You expressed your disgust and worries that she may be grinding on some guy and that is a big indicator to me that perhaps your girl doesn't respect the relationship and it's boundries as much as you want. My girlfriend would never grind with another guy because she knows it's wrong, she wouldn't want me doing it, and she knows that I am capable of ending the relationship if I learn that she's doing this kind of stuff.

    I suggest you evaluate this girl and the reasons for your lack of trust. If you cannot trust your girlfriend to have a ladies night at a club then perhaps you should end it. I would.
     
  13. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I feel that his feelings about his girlfriend going to a club have more to say about him and his insecurities than they say anything about his girlfriend. He's reacting to his insecurity by being angry, manipulative, and controlling. Its an ugly reaction. He needs to work on developing trust, or addressing the problems in the relationship that prevent it. Whatever the case, his behavior, and the state of the relationship, is unacceptable.
     
  14. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I agree with this last. Ideally all your cards would be on the table, so talk to her and see if she just wants to have a good time or if there's something more. From your story, it sounds like she just wants to have a good time.
     
  15. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I dunno... from his story I don't think we get any indication of what she is like. We just get his, "SHE WANTS TO GO OUT SO SHE'S A WHOOOOORE" thing.
     
  16. wicked max

    wicked max New Member

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    how would you feel if she did this every friday and saturday night, and rather do that, than go out with you?
     
  17. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    Oh I definitely have my share of insecurities, as does she. Her past + my pre-existing insecurities aren't always the best mix. But like I said, she has her issues too. I do my best to make her feel better and more comfortable with hers rather than doing things to antagonize them. I don't think it's so wrong to want the same consideration.
     
  18. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    So, in other words, it is her responsibility to completely restrict her actions just to satisfy your insecurities? Thats absurd. Going out with the girls is not an unusual, strange, or whorish thing. It is normal. What is abnormal is how much her going out upsets you.
     
  19. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    Completely restrict herself? Of course not. But some consideration in certain situations would be appreciated.

    How true that is depends on the girl and her lifestyle. In her case it used to be very true. And for the millionth time, there is more than one way to "go out" or "have fun". I never said she couldn't go out. Quite the opposite actually. Just some environments/people aren't as appropriate to be around as others. Not everything she used to do in her old lifestyle is still just as ok for her to do now. Things are different now. SHE, herself, is supposed to be different now. But I don't want to hear it, I want to see it. And if what she shows me is reminiscent of the old her, that's not good. That only makes existing trust issues worse than they had to be.
     
  20. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    You sound like an angry father, telling his daughter that no daughter of his will go out to clubs like those other whores, even twice a year! And you label it, "consideration." It sounds dominating, aggressive, ugly behavior from you. Not so much like, "consideration."

    What makes you think your girlfriend is a whore just waiting for the right queue? What gives you the right to tell her what to do?
     
  21. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    I would almost swear you're not even reading what I'm writing because all you're doing is ignoring what I'm actually saying and putting other words in my mouth.

    But for what it's worth, I do wish her parents had raised her better.
    :hs:
     
  22. Colonel Panic

    Colonel Panic New Member

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    Agreed, dot and werd.
     
  23. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I'm reading you loud and clear: she's a whore who can't help herself. You love her anyway though, right?
     
  24. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    Pretty much. She's really wonderful and great in general. But just because things are great usually doesn't mean there aren't issues. Clearly we have issues. And no, contrary to what you try to imply, they're not all mine.
     
  25. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    So what is the history of promiscuity? Is this before you were together, or while you were together? This is what you need to be talking about. Because the issue isn't the club. The issue is you mistrusting her because you think she's a whore.
     

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