Gf and her ex are close friends... jealousy sucks... semi-long

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by happyvillian, Nov 16, 2006.

  1. happyvillian

    happyvillian New Member

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    So my gf calls me the other day telling me she feels horrible for leaving her ex-bf in Hawaii to move back to california. They initially moved over there as as couple to go to the University of Manoa. She was pretty much his backbone during the whole trip, telling him and pushing him in good directions because he really had no direction. So after two years, things didn't work out between them, they just kinda grew apart (in otherwords, they didn't leave each other on bad terms). But they remained good friends, and she was the core finance for their relationship (like rent, food)

    Now that she's back here, and her ex is still in Hawaii, she calls me and tells me she feels like she's a bad person for having left him there in Hawaii because now, he's dropped out this semester from UH, is having troubles paying his rent and is pretty much doing really bad. She was the one that suggested that they go to school over there in the first place. And so now, she feels like she at least owes it to him as a friend to be there for him and help him out emotionally and financially.

    It really isn't a big thing to me personally. I really like her caring nature and I give her support for her decisions and let her know that she doesn't have to feel bad for leaving him in Hawaii. I also support her in the fact that she is still very caring to her ex and that they are still good friends. But at the same time, I do feel a bit insecure... a bit jealous... that she has these feelings for her ex and bring them up to me.

    Any suggestions would be kick ass. Should I not sweat it?

    Sincerely,
    Mr. too nice of a guy :dunno:
     
  2. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I would strongly recommend pointing out to her that if you did the same to your ex-GF she'd have some serious problems with it. Then point out that he's an adult and can take care of himself, and if she decides to dedicate time to him instead of your relationship, you're going to have a problem with it. Basically let her know you're not up for your woman spending any quality time with her ex, and that you will gladly move on. Do this politely, of course, and calmly, but don't back down one bit.

    It will put you in a position of being a decision maker and leader. It will put you in the position of the man she won't leave (like she left him). If she's going back to "take care of him" then she already sees him as less adult than you (kind of like she is mothering him) so be the adult male she is attracted to. Set limits. Warn her ahead of time. Stick to them. Do not compromise your position.

    If my SO said she was going to do that for her ex, I'd tell her she was making a big mistake and I wouldn't tolerate it. If he needs help that bad, he's got family and other resources, but she's crossing the line to spend time with someone who she was previously intimate with.
     
  3. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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  4. happyvillian

    happyvillian New Member

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    thanks for the link, but my situation is slightly different.

    She doesn't "love" him anymore, just as a friend. And she doesn't call him all the time, just on occasion because of her guilty conscience.

    She pretty much calls him just to make sure he's not in a ditch somewhere. Am i over reacting?

    Man, I don't like this jealous feeling, I'm very open to people and I never get them...
     
  5. MP525i

    MP525i New Member

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    i would tell her how you feel. don't let her run the conversation though. if you don't feel comfortable with the situation, then tell her.

    i'm guessing she, along with the ex are around 20 years old? either way, he's gotta grow up himself. mothering him won't do anyone any good and will just put more stress on her and her relationship with you.
     
  6. happyvillian

    happyvillian New Member

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    very wise words. thanks... I agree, and i told her she can't be this person lookin out for him all the time, he won't grow into a man like he should. Her ex is 27, my gf is 22 and i'm also 22.

    anyways, but wont it make me look like an ass for saying what i want? which is for her to cut ties with him? lol
     
  7. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    No, it doesn't sound like you're overreacting. And I doubt she just feels guilty. However, she feels financially responsible for him? Jesus, she's treating him like her son.

    Seriously, this is a little bizarre, and beyond her just being a good friend. How does she justify helping him financially? He should be responsible for paying his way, or getting his family to help. You don't have friends pay your tuition.

    This is literally a really weird situation. In some ways, she is placing him above you. I mean, he gets emotional and FINANCIAL support from her. Do you?

    Edit: Just read your recent posts. WTF??? She's supporting a guy that is 5 years older than her? Is she wanting to be his mother?
     
  8. happyvillian

    happyvillian New Member

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    Yeah, it is a weird situation. When i've had the conversation about this with her last night, I pointed out several times that this isn't healthy for neither one of them. He doesn't learn to grow up. And she just enforces that fact and makes it easy for him to not grow on his own.

    I'm there for her mentally and physically, so I really have no insecurities of her running back to him or anything. but the fact that they had a longer history than me (2 years for them, 4 months for me), the fact that he isn't a mean guy or treated her badly, and the fact that he does still love her kinda irks me. Kinda raises a red flag for me, that what if this leads to something else... i'd be slapping myself on the forhead for letting this get by under my nose...

    *edit: she hasn't helped him out financially yet since she moved back to california. But it's been mentioned that she might help him out, she feels bad that he's going through hard times in that department. And yes, we help each other out financially for the small things like dinners, gifts... we haven't moved in together yet so it hasn't gotten seriously in the finance department.
     
  9. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Then leave. You said that you're getting a red flag from this. She's already halfway there anyway...there has to be something there if she feels the need to support a GROWN MAN financially. And come on...you know he'll make a move eventually..he's her ex, and he's got her contributing majorly already.

    Just get out, and find someone who you won't have to share.
     
  10. happyvillian

    happyvillian New Member

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    ur make a very valid point...
     
  11. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    It is an issue of co-dependency. The 27 yr-old isn't capable of sustaining his own circumstances, and I would guess that since that is the issue there is an even greater probability that his parents, or friends parents or guardian of some sort filled that position for him in the past. A 27 year old that can't afford to support themselves never had the basic foundation formed that allows them to grow in independence... and your present g/f filled that postion for him. I am willing to bet that he broke his past financial ties in order to go to HA with your g/f, and she knows this. There is more to the story than she is telling. My point is the ex needs to find help, like co-dependency annonomous.

    As far as jealousy, forget it. I'm willing to bet that this fella broke his ties with her when she was putting in more than she got out of it. Make your feelings known to her, good communication is the key to a succesfull relationship. Obviously if she starts supporting him she is hurting all of you:

    You feel betrayed
    She has the financial burden and emotional burden
    and he doesn't grow by still being supported.

    No matter what, if she does help him, she is not doing ANYBODY good.

    PM me if you have any other questions that you don't want public, my degree experience and life experience regards issues like these.
     
  12. happyvillian

    happyvillian New Member

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    Thanks OniMinion, your opinion has been the most precise. The other opinions have been greatly helpful too. I have a greater understanding of how I should feel towards this situation. There is a deeper level that she isn't telling me... I guess I have to do some digging of my own on this one...
     

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