SRS Getting someone to see a professional

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Toasty, Aug 5, 2005.

  1. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    I need your advice folks....... this is beyond my ability to control the situation.

    My mom has what appears to be severe depression. She blames her marriage, she blames her messy house, she blames her constant worry about the lives of me and my brother......let's just say pretty much everything is seen from the perspective of negativity right now and as hard as I try, I can't get her to see what's very obvious to the whole family as something that might require professional help.

    She flatly refuses to go to a shrink. She "doesn't believe in it" she says. Saying it doesn't work and that she can work things out herself and if my father communicated better, if the house was spotless, if the carpet was replaced, etc etc. Her expectations seem so endless that it would seem like it's a never ending chase for her happiness that might never come because she can't see past this dark bubble around her.

    In all honestly, after many many long talks with my mother....even as a whole family, I've come to the conclusion that those solutions she's mentioned is not going to get her out of this funk which appears to be deep.

    She's practically breaking down in sobbing tears over subjects that seem so little to the rest of us. Conversations just turn into hours and hours of circular conversation where we don't seem to be making any progress in making her feel better.

    I tried offering her the suggesting to go see a Psychologist.... even offered to pay for everything and to go with her. She threatens that she won't even talk to the doctor if we brought her.

    I don't know what to do. I am deeply concerned. But I don't know how I would get her to the professional help she needs.

    Any ideas?
     
  2. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    I'm glad that you care so much about your Ma and as a family you all are concerned. Getting someone to see somebody to seek professional help who adamantly refuses to see somebody is not an easy task. Could be pride. Could be fear. Depression is not an easy thing to deal with, when living in a black hole, all one sees is darkness. Maybe your Ma will realize that she does need help...
    I don't have any ideas as to how you can get her to go see somebody...I wish I did.
    Perhaps someone in here has some solid ideas and suggestions.
    Meanwhile, do what you are doing...be supportive and loving.
    Take care.
     
  3. scifimom

    scifimom Fear is the mind killer. I will face my fear and l

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    You can't force her to go. Maybe you could try to help her in other ways, like doing some housework (she's overwhelmed). Just helping to do things she can't handle alone will show you understand. Maybe you have to take the parental role temporarily-literally take her by the hand and say-ok, today, we tackle that_____together. Let's start here. And start the job. Good luck.
     
  4. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Thanks for the advice. Everything is on eggshells lately...

    My mom blames a large part of her torment on my father's inability to talk to her. Whereas I can understand my dad's fear of opening his mouth because he ends up easily saying something wrong that makes things worse off. So it's a no-win situation. I feel this is like "All in the Family" or "Married with Children"......

    Then there are the material aspects....most of which I know my mother isn't really the type that cares about diamond rings or fancy cars. But she IS a clean freak....so much so that a towel that's out of place in a closed closet is going to annoy her. So there's this near impossible standard to meet that level of cleanliness unless nobody touched a thing.

    I know she carries the burden of feeling like she needs to worry and fix everyone's problems. Not only our immediate family, but my grandmother, her sisters, my cousins, on and on.... so the weight of this has been getting to her too.

    There's just a combination of so many things I can see her crumbling away and it feels beyond my control sometimes....

    I spent more time talking with her today and it seems ok. She still insists she's not depressed and that psychology is a quack. But I know it's just a matter of time till she blows again..... I tell you, yesterday I felt like she'd go into a breakdown right in front of my eyes. :wtc:
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Move away from home. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.
    Harsh, but it's reality.

    She'll see it whenever she sees it. You can't do much more here. And sounds like you've tried everything already so this shouldn't be much of a surprise to you.
     
  6. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    Yup, I just sit there and listen for hours when Ma wants to talk. Actually all of us do. We see her in a different light now that she is older and realize she is a person, not just our Ma. Perhaps when you see her at the breaking point, you could take her out, or do something to keep her busy and occupied. We do that with Ma. We got her into golf, darts, she play Bridge, she volunteers and she still cleans the house everyday. We have found that keeping her busy, making her feel needed, loved and important has made a difference.

    And that is that.

    Smile Toasty please.
     
  7. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    My brother and I have moved away from home years ago.
     
  8. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Thanks Puppycat. I am. :wiggle:

    You're right though. There comes a time when parents are seen from a different perspective...no longer are they 2 people you depend on to be rock-solid in everything they do.

    I just don't like seeing my mother in that condition. I'm there to help.... I suppose if I can't force her to see someone, then the best I can do is to just go there and talk when she needs it.
     
  9. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

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    you can pray and encourage her, but dude, you can't change someone who doesn't want to be changed.
     
  10. Henry47

    Henry47 New Member

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    I have the total opposite opinion as you. Do NOT get away from her. Do NOT distance yourself from her. Someone who is suffering from depression needs people around them to show love and care. This is your MOTHER. She is the woman who gave you birth and gave many sacrifices for you. You owe it to her to talk on the phone with her and visit her every chance you get. Sure it may seem tedious and it may even be agonizing and irritating to converse with her, but if it takes hours to make her feel a LITTLE bit better, it's all worth it. You need to show her that she is not alone and that you care for her with all your heart. If I were your mom and you offered to pay for a shrink, I would think that you were trying to push my troubles onto someone else because you don't care enough to listen to my problems.

    BTW, I could be COMPLETELY wrong because I have NO IDEA how close youa re with your parents, nor your culture or home environment so please do not take my advice strictly on ths post. This post is only to open up another point of view and to offer some suggestions.
     
  11. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Thanks.

    That's been how I've been.... I basically drop anything I'm doing and I go running to help out either one of my parents if they need me.

    But the idea to seek a professional was my last ditch effort to try to break through where I felt I couldn't offer any more suggestions. Perhaps a professional would be better able to recognize my parents' personalities and offer productive suggestions on how to begin repairing a friendship that took so much neglect over the many years raising me and my brother?

    Perhaps my mother needs some kind of meds? You know....I've never advocated drug use. I've seen this recommendation come up a few times here on Asylum and I've stayed away from that argument. But perhaps it IS some kind of brain chemistry that's adding to my mom's condition...I wouldn't be able to recognize it on my own.

    EDIT: In any case, the issue has been dropped. I have not mentioned this suggestion again.
     
  12. Henry47

    Henry47 New Member

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    I don't know how long you've been trying with your mother, but just because you don't see immediate results or results that you are expecting, it doesn't mean that the method you are using is ineffective. It may take months or years for her to make a bit of change, but at least it'd be working. I am no doctor, but she doesn't seem psychotic, maybe just suffering from severe depression. Meds may seem like a good idea, maybe you should contact a doctor around you and get some opinions without upsetting your mother by letting her know. I hope everything works for you
     

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