getting angry...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by antihero, Dec 23, 2008.

  1. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    So I've been thinking about this lately. Is yelling necessary? Is failing to get angry bad?

    I'm one of those "take a deep breath and calm down" sort of people. Even if I'm angry I will try to express myself as calmly and reasonably as possibly. My problem is then later on when you hear "I had no idea it bothered you so much" or worse,"no... you never told me that." Is staying calm doing yourself a disservice? Maybe only with people who get angry?

    If someone never laughed at my jokes, but said "man, that was funny" I would think that they don't find my funny in the slightest. So maybe if you don't yell and get angry, someone might think not very upset/this isnt serious.

    expanding on this, I think its relative. I think two calm people would understand each other, or two rageaholics, but when you have one emotionally volatile person and another emotionally much less volatile person, I think the volatile person sees reality through their own experiences and personality.

    They might see a situation and think "This person is frowning and saying that they very much do not like something. for me a frown and a calm voice means im at a 2/11 possible angry, that means I havnt started screaming, which i do when im mad, or throwing things which i do when im more then mad, or going apeshit which is what i do when im really really mad, so that probably means that they are about a 2 on the mad scale: somewhat annoyed.

    if the calm person never yells the visibly agitated person might take a very long time to figure it out, or never really figure it out.

    anyone? Anyone ever decided to start yelling, not because you personally feel the need, but just because you want to make sure someone gets the point?
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    It's all about compatibility. I'm extremely chill when it comes to anger almost always. I want to talk it out rationally and I've dated guys who were the same and guys were who polar opposites.

    A few years ago I dated a guy who had serious anger issues. He had a horrible temper and it was one of the huge reasons I dumped him, because he straight up frightened me that he would get steamed over the littlest things!. My bf now...he stays COOL AS A CUCUMBER in almost 99% of situations. Even if he's fuming he never yells, just silently steams but I know him well enough to just back off and let him cool down.

    If a girl doesn't undersand how you handle your anger it's not as if ALL women will not understand how you handle your emotions. You should never feel you have to act out outside the norm for yourself just so a dumbass girl will finally "get you."
     
  3. lamour

    lamour New Member

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    what kinda of situations are you specifically talking about? Are you sure you are really failing to get angry or just failing to communicate how something makes you feel. You seem like you have a lot of self control in the way you describe things, but if you are unable to make others see how upset you were with just your words you are doing yourself a disservice.
     
  4. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    Well im definitely not getting visibly or outwardly loud or hostile. I think my words are clear, but it seems like in this particular relationship they just never sunk in.

    I'm 100% sure I said "if you don't stop behavior x, I cannot be in this relationship"

    and after the breakup she says "I never knew behavior x bothered you so much"

    :rofl:
     
  5. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    What relationship are you in now?
     
  6. lamour

    lamour New Member

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    obviously its not that amusing to you since your writing about it. did you ever think about how your behavior contributed, or what you SO failed to understand. I would say with certainty that your SO probably never really understood you and the way in which you became upset
     
  7. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    Oh I'm clear on that. I will never date anyone who thinks throwing things or going apeshit even beyond that is even something people do outside of bad TV.

    But thinking about it just got me to thinking about the ways people relate to each other and if it wouldnt be somewhat difficult for people to understand each other when they operate on wildly different amplitudes.

    It applies to the good stuff too. She would sometimes say "you never seem happy to see me" and I wouldn't say thats not true. She would clearly get happier too. I'm a very happy person i think, but in a more chill way. I'd have a smille, she'd be beaming and jumping up for me to catch her. So anyone would probably conclude that she did seem happier to see me then I was her.
     
  8. lamour

    lamour New Member

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    It applies to the good stuff too. She would sometimes say "you never seem happy to see me" and I wouldn't say thats not true.


    did you even like it, doesn't seem like you really cared
     
  9. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    It's amusing only in dark sense of surprise. but we all know how revisionist relationship history is....

    I'm thinking very pointedly about how my behavior may have contributed, I think.
     
  10. lamour

    lamour New Member

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    and????????????????????????????
     
  11. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    exactly! I did care, I said i was smiling, but because she was much more volatile, you jumped to the same conclusion.

    It's not that I was not happy to see her, but she was always way more happy to see me if you judged it solely on the way she expressed it.
     
  12. lamour

    lamour New Member

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    its not jumping to a conclusion. you said you wouldn't say that's not true. perhaps you never reassured her.
     
  13. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    I think there is some merit to the idea that if you do not give someone very clear nonverbal cues, it is much more likely that you will be misunderstood.

    By the same token, I completely agree with beer that if someone cannot ever figure out that something is important without yelling, then that is a huge problem.
     
  14. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    exactly. The one time she really managed to set me off, she got back in line real quick and never did it again.

    I didn't flip out, but I grabbed her by the arm, lead her someplace private and raised my voice in anger while being a bit physically imposing. boom. She never did it again.


    all the times I tried to be calm and reason :)rofl:) with her, or just ride out the storm, she really just didnt get it.
     
  15. lamour

    lamour New Member

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    im not disagreeing with you, nor do i think you should accept the yelling. its probably how your SO was raised and taught to communicate, what she saw growing up and that's unfortunate. i just think it comes on both ends, the person yelling needs to calm down gather their thoughts and communicate when they are ready to express their feelings in a more clear manner. by the same token, if all you are doing is giving non verbal clues thats not very clear either. i am not suggesting yelling i am saying go outside your comfort zone to communicate your feelings. perhaps talk more and express them in a manner of different ways in order to make sure you are being understood and dotn have to later hear that she never understood it a certain way.
     
  16. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    sorry, completely missed this. No relationship right now. Just thinking things over for next time. The girl I'm talking about is the one you are thinking of I'm betting.
     
  17. lamour

    lamour New Member

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    nothing to say to this one antihero???
     
  18. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    well this is all postmortem relationship analysis so I cant really say much about how it might play out.

    Ill have to think about the ways I can be more clear.

    I'm thinking it over....and going to sleep.
     
  19. lamour

    lamour New Member

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    if its postmortem why are you thinking about it? is there a chance for this to work itself out?
     
  20. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    no. already broken up and plan to stay that way

    why? I dunno. Just thinking about how people work, and how to do things differently and better in the future
     
  21. lamour

    lamour New Member

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    why what happened? fall out of love?
     
  22. ware_ru

    ware_ru I know, I know, I'm amazing

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    imo there are two things going on here

    1) is that you shouldn't change yourself to accommodate a partner

    but less obviously is:

    2) if your actions don't make it clear to the girl that she's doing something wrong, you've a hole in your game. you should be able to condition her (sorry for how horrible this sounds but I can't think of a better way to put it) pretty consistently to knock the shit off. through withdrawal of attention, or just verbalizing tha tit pisses you off if it comesto that, or whatever.
     
  23. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    1. yes and no. you gotta do what works sometimes. There is nothing to say that just because ive been doing things a certain way that thats "me" and any other way is a bad thing.

    2. Here is the thing, she would get so hysterical that there just wern't any lessons learned. If I didn't talk to her for two days she would just be beyond reason.
     
  24. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    no :hs:

    Just too many bad things happened.

    she was really great when she was happy, and acted really really really bad when she was upset or sad. Not even just with me. Any of lifes little bumps or bruises could just cause a hysterical breakdown. Once you start expecting that around every corner, you can't even enjoy the good times.
     
  25. lamour

    lamour New Member

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    that sucks, it worse when you love someone and just arent with them. maybe you can take time and figure it out. maybe missing you will make her fix it if shes still feeling the same way too.

    also absolutely agree with the conditioning comment, there must be some way to communicate your issue, and make her if not understand at first act more reasonably. also what do you think was the route of the behavior?
     

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