SRS Getting a friend to open up.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by PanzerAce, Jan 10, 2007.

  1. PanzerAce

    PanzerAce Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2006
    Messages:
    14,502
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    N37°18'37" W120°29'50"
    Well, I figured if anybody could help me, it would be here. I have a female friend that has been in several failed relationships (ex's ended up cheating on her, the last told her they were over on her birthday of all days), and her parents are getting divorced (she doesnt get along with either of them very well anyway). Recently, a friend from WAYYY back (figure, as soon as she figured out what a friend was) basically threw her out of his life when she refused to have sex with him.

    Her problems with relationships and her family have basically led to the situation where me, my roomates, and a few other people have basically become her family. The only problem is that when she has a problem, she still will not really open up to us and let it all out. We all feel bad about this because we know that it would help if she just talked about it, but she never does beyond telling us a few sentences of what happened (usually over AIM), and then never saying a word about it again.

    I guess I am just looking for advice on how to get her to open up and start talking to us about stuff to get over it. :sadwavey:
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    These are all very heavy events. If you had your bf ending the relationship on a birthday, and the parents getting a divorce, then your off to see a shrink, this because her emotions have been tossed around like an American Football, basically as a friend you can give her the advice to go see a counceller/shrink. Because personally i think what she has been going thru is just way too much then a person can handle.
     
  3. whatever

    whatever OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2004
    Messages:
    110,220
    Likes Received:
    258
    Heres my point of view on this.

    When you force it out of them by asking prodding, deep, hard questions about topics shes uncomfortable to begin with she will just shut down and put up the wall. The wall is even to herself so she cant even think about it. All you're doing is walling those feelings, thoughts and emotions deeper in her.
    You may feel bad shes not talking... and talking may seem easy for you too do but for her right now thats not the case. You gotta work the questions in softly and slowly. The more you ease into the hard topics for her the easyier it will be for her for a few reasons. Shes not being asked to examine the hardships in an instant and then have to explain to someone. Given the time it takes to work up to those harder questions the trust she'll be building with the friendship will let her be more comfortable with talking about it with you.
    you cant expect her to sit down at the table with you. you ask her "SAT" questions about her deepest hardships and then walk away completely fine.

    cliffs: back off. when shes ready to talk, she'll talk. ease into the hard questions over a period of time.
     
  4. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2002
    Messages:
    5,188
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Great White North
    I was going to post something but Viper posted it before. Good post. When you talk about yourself to someone, they feel like they have to reply back. It works much better if you find something that you have in common or if your experience (and even your subjective experience of this experience) is similar. Other than that, you can try to be empathic and "understand" their experience in the sense that you can somewhat feel what they feel, it's like understanding emotionally their experience.
     
  5. PanzerAce

    PanzerAce Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2006
    Messages:
    14,502
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    N37°18'37" W120°29'50"
    thanks guys. I get what you are talking about with not asking deep probing questions at the start and easing into them. I guess based on what you guys have said we will all continue as we have been with her; as a friend told me yesterday, she is best described as 'handle with care'.

    I guess the problem with going to a professional is that aparently earlier in life she was forced to go to one (from what I know about it, it really sounds like her parents over reacting, which jives with what else I know about them) and as a result generally doesnt like them :dunno:

    Well, I am going to be seeing her today, thanks for the advice guys. I just hope I can help her :hs:
     
  6. Gregsaidthat

    Gregsaidthat "Individuality is the new conformity"

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2006
    Messages:
    562
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    You're good. Good/deep posts!
     
  7. Gregsaidthat

    Gregsaidthat "Individuality is the new conformity"

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2006
    Messages:
    562
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    They're deep. Some too deep(but makes you think about them and realize that you're right).
     

Share This Page