SRS Getting a divorce, looking for past experiences

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by geekierthanyou, Jun 20, 2009.

  1. geekierthanyou

    geekierthanyou Crews: DSLR, Brolie, Classic Car, Gun, Zombie, Pro

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    (Cliffs at bottom)

    Hey all,

    I was married 12/31/04. My official date of separation was 06/19/09. The main reason behind the divorce is that we have totally grown apart and become two different people. When we got married I was still in college, I had one semester left. Now I have a successful career, I have lost over 100lbs since we got married, I am now extremely active and mountain/road bike, hike, gym, etc etc. When we got married she worked for a very large law firm, now she teaches kids at a private school. Essentially the point of this paragraph is to say that what we wee wen we married is nothing like what we are now.

    We have been emotionally apart for about a year, sex completely stopped 8 months ago. I am 27, she is 30.

    We have zero credit card debt. Our only debt is a car which I will pay off and give to her, and a condo that we are upside down on to the tune of about 80k. I am walking away from that as she got it before we were married (just a few months, it was a marriage house). I want nothing to do with that place and if she loses it she will never be able to afford another place (to own). My agreement with her is to pay off the car and give it to her, and walk away from the house and she has to deal with it.

    I moved out yesterday, all I have right now is all my clothes. I will go back over time and get the rest of my stuff, none of which is particularly important to me. I am staying with a friend for now rent free. He filed for divorce from his wife on Monday, so we have some things like that in common. I'm planning on staying here till our divorces are finalized and just saving a ton of money if at all possible.

    I spoke to a lawyer with her present yesterday, it will cost me ~4k do go through him. What did yours cost?


    I am looking for what stages you all go through. While I was cleaning out my clothes I found stuff from our first Christmas and just broke down crying. I was so stressed out I was throwing up all day yesterday. What will be the hardest part? When do things turn around?

    I'll update this post with answers to questions, and maybe we can make a sticky out of it?

    CLIFFS:

    Getting divorced for a myriad of reasons, none of which are infidelity. I have moved in with a friend for now and we will see how that works out. I haven't cried yet today, but over the last 2 days I have probably lost 8 lbs of water weight. Yesterday was the worst, throwing up, blood coming from places it shouldn't, etc etc. Give me your experience and insight so I can prepare for what's coming next!
     
  2. notcreative

    notcreative New Member

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    4k? for a divorce where you both already agree on division of property and no kids? Seems really really high.

    Mine was in 99, in Alaska, they called it a dissolution, 50 bucks to file at the court house. We divided up the property and had it notarized and submitted to the court. Judge agreed, two months later i was divorced.
     
  3. geekierthanyou

    geekierthanyou Crews: DSLR, Brolie, Classic Car, Gun, Zombie, Pro

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    Court fees alone are 350 dollars, and it's a mandatory 6 month wait... ugh... Lawyer says 10 hours of paperwork @ 350 an hour, so it's really 3850 but yea... cali is a PITA to get a divorce in.
     
  4. Liptonucf

    Liptonucf wee woo wee woo wee woo

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    If I were you I would search if california has any sort of simplified dissolution of marriage...something where both parties agree on all property, you make your own marriage settlement agreement, overall much easier and cheaper...at least thats something that Florida offers. You could try looking up the clerk of courts website for your jurisdiction...since its a state action your looking at circuit courts(unless its like new york where the court structure/names are really wacky). The clerk website may have information on a simplified dissolution or if there is such a thing for yoru situation.
     
  5. Anudist

    Anudist Turnin' Jesus on, one lightswitch at a time.

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    I'm currently going through it, but our stuff is all amicable. We have no joint debts, no joint property, and she's not going after me for any help after we're divorced, so it's going to cost me all of 175 bucks for the state fee to do it.

    Going through a lawyer is always going to be expensive, but in your case, I think it's an expense that's unavoidable.
     
  6. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Consider yourself lucky you don't have any kids or she isn't going after you for any alimony...4k is a lot but its getting off easy IMO don't argue with it and just pay up
     
  7. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    The hardest is going to be when she goes from "woman I loved enough to marry but we grew apart" to "evil vindictive bitch who I'd hit with a car if she stepped off the sidewalk."

    Once the divorce really starts, her friends are going to come out of the woodwork and claim you're "getting off too easy" and her lawyer is going to validate those claims. You think you're paying off a car and grabbing some clothes and leaving........................ sorry, but :rofl:......... no, you're not. Her friends will convince her you should have to pay $40k toward the condo because she's upside down in it, and her lawyer is going to tell her she should fight for it. Of course she won't get it, but the longer the fight goes on, the longer she's "sticking it to you" and the longer the lawyer gets paid.


    cliffs: I hope it all works out, but you REALLY, REALLY need to be ready to see a side of her you never knew existed. Expect she's going to turn into the most despicable cunt you've ever met so you're ready when you start getting bills and summonses and accusations.
     
  8. geekierthanyou

    geekierthanyou Crews: DSLR, Brolie, Classic Car, Gun, Zombie, Pro

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    Now I'm scurred :noes::noes::noes:

    I'll pay the lawyer monday.
     
  9. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I've been happily married for almost 14 years, but my brother got divorced and came to live with me through it. It's easy to get jaded, watching your older brother cry because his ex- is trying to get him to cash out his 401k because she "deserves half" even though she had her own 401k with more money in it (and he wasn't asking for any).

    that's just one in a long list of douche things she did that ended up costing them most of their cash savings to pay lawyers.........funny, the lawyers ended up with more of their cash than they did.

    btw, I'm not saying it *will* happen. I'm saying you have to be prepared for it to happen. If you're thinking "Nah, she wouldn't do that to me!" then you're fucked if (when) she does.



    cliffs: get it over as fast as you can.
     
  10. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    He's right though her friends and/or her mother will have a big part in this, don't put up any fight just pay the lawyer and hopefully it will go smooth. In fact I would even delete this thread in case she comes across it somehow then realizes "hey yeah he should give me half the 80k that I'm upside down on this condo"
     
  11. Liptonucf

    Liptonucf wee woo wee woo wee woo

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    this man speaks the truth...just remember that if there are a few sticking points between the two of you, just take the high road...There will always be more money and stuff to be had later on in life...Just try to get out with your sanity and not freak out over a spatula or something of that sort.
     
  12. Sgt. Friday

    Sgt. Friday Guest

    if thats true, it probably would have been easier and cheaper to hire someone to "bump her off" :noes:

    in all seriousness, there should be laws regulating what can and cannot be "awarded" in divorce filings.
     
  13. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    a friend of mine estimated what he thought was "his mother's silverware and dishes" cost him about $10k.

    he got married, his mother gave them some kitchen stuff when they bought a home.....fast forward, he gets divorced and says he wants his mother's kitchen stuff back. his ex- said she wanted them to be spiteful......lawyers, money, blah blah blah, finally his mother asked why the divorce wasn't final and he said they were fighting over (among other things) "your dishes."

    she lost it and said she bought them for $200 at some store so they'd have something in the kitchen when they moved in, and that he should make it seem like he was upset, but to let her have them. his divorce didn't take much longer after that.
     
  14. Sgt. Friday

    Sgt. Friday Guest

    your friend isn't too bright.
     
  15. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    Pay it and get it over with. The faster its over, the better your health will be.

    Mine cost the same and my situation was the same.

    You're in a community property state and my guess is she can tag you with half that condo debt. Pay the lawyer; it sounds like you'll need the protection.

    :werd:
     
  16. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    Actually he is, but divorce clouds all that.

    My brother is extremely smart, but he almost did (and actually did) shit during his divorce would make you think he was retarded. Like I said, my brother lived with me and I've had two very close friends get divorced. You'd be surprised how stupid a guy can get when the woman he loved, and who he thought loved him, turns into a spiteful, vindictive, evil piece of shit. I heard "I can't believe she'd do that" and "she wouldn't do that to me" more times than I can count.

    HUGE GENERALIZATION:

    For the guy, once the decision is made to get divorced, it's about getting it over and getting out. But for the woman, it seems like it turns from "I want to divorce him" to "I want to divorce him and hurt him as bad as I can during the process."

    My friend Jim and his wife decided to get divorced. He moved out, they wrote up their lists for property and custody (2 kids) and money, etc. Everything was equitable, even, and civil. But before they got to the lawyer, her friends convinced her he needed to pay, and not in the monetary sense. From her friends and her perspective, now he was living in an apartment and could go out whenever he wanted and was going on dates and living the life of a bachelor. So she wanted to make sure she left him in such a way that he couldn't afford a date, couldn't afford to travel, etc, etc.

    What she didn't know was they weren't dates, they were just a night out with a few friends to blow off steam. And he wasn't traveling like a bachlor, he was looking for a 2nd job in a neighboring city. And she didn't see that he was sleeping on the floor in that apartment because he couldn't afford furniture, or know that he was eating ramen every night becuase he didn't have money for food. And the idea of "going out every night" was the last thing he wanted. He wanted to be home to hug his kids, not "at the bars every night looking for sex" like she said in court.



    cliffs: divorce makes BOTH people stupid. the one who realizes it first is better off.
     
  17. Sgt. Friday

    Sgt. Friday Guest

    forgive my curt respose, as I didn't mean to say your friend (or brother) was actually stupid.
     
  18. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    oh, I know. it's just a sore spot.

    I'm the youngest...my brother is the oldest. I always looked up to him and thought he had it together, and I kind of wanted to be like him. Then I watched him go through his divorce and it really, really sucked. In a way it kind of makes me try a little harder when my wife and I are having a rough spot. I like who I am and I like my family and my situation. I can't imagine having to start all over now. My brother isn't the same person he was before his divorce. It's kind of sad.
     
  19. geekierthanyou

    geekierthanyou Crews: DSLR, Brolie, Classic Car, Gun, Zombie, Pro

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    Just wanted to update this. Things are going better, all is on track for a jan 6th divorce. I'm doing spectacular, we still talk occasionally but my rule is no voice so only over IM, sms, or email. She (AFAIK) is doing okay, but I honestly don't care all that much. I have been dating and having a great time, I have had more sex since I moved out than I probably have had my entire marriage (maybe exaggerating a bit there, but you get the idea). I got myself a cheap used car and am living with my friend rent free. I'll keep updating this at time goes on but at this point, things couldn't be better.
     
  20. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    I came here to post this. My father owes $14000 in legal bills, plus $10000 of her legal bills, plus she kept the house that was paid off (and his isn't), plus he's paying her $4500 a month (down to $3500 a month when my brother turns 18 next April), plus she kept most of the Italian furniture they bought when he was in the Army, plus she also kept a bunch of antiques from his parents' house.

    If you only pay $4000, you should celebrate by taking everyone you know out for a couple rounds.
     
  21. geekierthanyou

    geekierthanyou Crews: DSLR, Brolie, Classic Car, Gun, Zombie, Pro

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    My parents already did that for me, it was quite the celebration :)
     
  22. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Hopefully everything goes well, but keep in mind it isn't over until the judge is tired of hearing appeals. Depending on how things work out, you could be on the hook to help her pay for things that happened during the marriage until they are no longer of concern to anyone.
     
  23. johan

    johan Active Member

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    this guy is 100% correct. Money does strange things to people.
     
  24. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    jesus christ the legal system sucks :sad2: he must be making a nice living if he's paying 4500/mo in support but still thats fucked up you know 4000 of that goes right to your mom
     
  25. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Her household, all expenses included, costs $2000 a month to run, and my brother's room/board/tuition does NOT cost $1000 a month.

    She doesn't work. She has a master's degree in business administration, but she's been out of the workforce far too long to be able to get a job befitting her station in life, and besides, working would cut into her painting and TV-watching time.
     

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