gaming girls plus long-term relationship

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by NCS, Apr 27, 2008.

  1. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    i've been in a long term relationship for a while (multiple years). i do love her. i don't know if she's "the one". in fact i dont know what the hell thats supposed to feel like anyway, bar my high school girlfriend, which i was ignorant enough to think was "the one" back then.

    i know that i need to have a chapter in my life where i run a lot of game on girls. this is something inside me that has surfaced and i can't ignore it. its not about the sex, but i do need to at least have some form of feedback. for some reason, kissing them is about right. i've been holding back from this in cases i think its possible, but i'd like to stop that now.

    how the hell am i supposed to present this to my current SO? FYI i'm 27.
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    This is just my opinion...if you don't know someone is the "one" you want to marry say after 4 years...I don't see the point of being together.
     
  3. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    pretty much. if you're staying together just to stay together, but don't see it really going further...it's probably a good idea to get out.

    And if you truly feel this way, the relationship will need to end. It will not be easy, there will be no nice way to do it, her feelings will be hurt....but it may be necessary.

    give us some more details on how you feel about your current relationship please.
     
  4. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    you know i could ramble but i don't really know what to say. i enjoy her company, i enjoy my time with her, i think she's adorable, i think she's a great person, i care about her deeply, she goes out of her way for me, i can trust her 100%... at the same time i think on some levels we're not that compatible (in fact, according to a myers-briggs test she's the exact opposite type). when its just the two of us its usually fine, but when it comes to tackling obstacles in life our outlooks/ways of going about things are drastically different.

    This has been swimming around in my head for a while.

    i dont know that she is, or isn't. I, in fact, don't know if i even ever want to settle down at this point. The more time goes on the more i dislike the "contractual" arrangement of marriage. I can't even imagine having kids in the near future (5 years). I may want to up and move to a different country, for all i know.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2008
  5. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I'd let her go then. That just might be me, but if after 4+ years my bf wasn't "sure" he wanted to be with me forever then he'd be best letting me go so I could find someone that possibly would.
     
  6. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    It sounds to me like you guys have kind of gotten stuck into now a best friend type of relationship, yea you care about and you love her, but are you still in love with her?? If you've been together for a long period of time and you're still not sure if she's the one then it's time to let her go.

    Especially if you now feel like you need to "run game on girls." If you were truly happy with your current SO you wouldn't feel the need to seek validation from other females.
     
  7. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    i will not get into a committed relationship for a while if i break up -- if anything becomes long term, it will be open.

    its not about seeking validation, even though you're prob convinced it is. when you win(or lose) a match in any sport, you're not seeking validation, you just love the game. i can't describe it any other way.

    "but am i still in love with her". again, i don't know. as my values changed in life, and i've gotten extremely independent, i haven't felt "in love" with quite a few girls, where i probably should have. sure, i crushed hard and had butterflies but this usually only lasts a few days. this really screwed with my head for a while, and i ran across some study that links love to loss of control so i did an experiment: for a few weeks, i became a whiny bitch. I forced myself to be needy (since needy does have advantages) and lo and behold, i felt much more "in love" because i had less of a sense of control in the relationship. this is coming from a guy who has been in love (for sure) 3 times, but i've just matured(or changed) a lot after that. And no, there was no unhealthy trauma linked to any of these relationships.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2008
  8. Dargone

    Dargone Noob

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    If you are having these types of thoughts then, I think, you should let her go. It's not fair to her, or you, to stay in my opinion. Best of luck...
     
  9. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    I'm gonna go ahead and say you'll dump her, find out 'running game' isn't all it's cracked up to be, and then really regret you did it.

    However, if it is something you feel you need to do, after you're done regretting it (if you do, I'm just saying BIG possibility) you'll probably see it was for the best somehow anyways.
     
  10. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    This is a VERY real possibility.

    Why don't you try just running game on her? Spicing up ya'lls relationship could work wonders.
     
  11. yankeeschick14

    yankeeschick14 New Member

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    read back to your first post, you talk about "receiving feedback" which = validation.

    sounds like you just need to let her go. its funny because my best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of 4 1/2 years with the same reasoning: she loves him and she cares deeply for him, shes just not sure that he's the one she wants to be with. they've decided to continue to be together, but be with other people as well. most people really cant deal with that kind of situation but i guess its an option.
     
  12. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    to answer the other post above, yes i do think this is something i could really regret. fact of the matter is i have had a past with girls and i know that finding one this good to me and in which i can have blind trust won't be easy. yet at the same time i feel like this is a path i just have to walk. I feel like i'm being dishonest with myself by holding back with other girls.

    validation is not feedback. A grade on a test isn't validation.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2008
  13. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    UGH.

    OP, don't fight the semantics. "Validation" is what self-improvement is called when people don't approve of it. Self-improvement? (Are you interested in improving yourself in regards to teh ladiez?) Check. Disapproval? (Does Game raise people's hackles?) Check.

    So, it's validation. There's no getting around it.

    Since the vag is filled with insecure girls (and the always eccentric MattThom01), it's not shocking that people would "call you out" for seeking validation when they hear about your urge to play the field.

    That's bullshit, though. I mean, of course it is natural that LSE girls don't like the idea of a guy going around getting "better deals" and actually pulling hot / cool / prized women. Which is FINE. For me, personally, I would be ashamed of myself if I were a girl and I reacted to your goals with the insecurity people have shown here, because I don't like the idea of being low self-esteem. But that's just me. For some people, there is NO shame in pushing their insecurities onto other people, and like I said, that's cool. Good for them. Whatever works.

    At the same time, though, I think the rationalizations that insecure women come up with in order to "disapprove" :)mamoru:) of chasing girls, should be seen for exactly what they are. Just like any other rationalization, the reason for calling something "validation" is not what is being stated.

    It's not that their mommas taught them decent american values, and it's not that you're disrespecting anyone by flirting with girls or getting makeouts. (As you know, you're making a lot of girls very happy). And it's not as if you're doing something bad to YOURSELF :bowrofl: (which I think is probably the most hilarious accusation you'll hear) by claiming what should be yours. It's just that some people can't get past themselves, in order to be happy for you, and wish you, respectfully, the best of luck.

    An A+ grade on a test is validating. A new, higher benchmark when lifting weights... is validating. I "validate" myself as much as I possibly can every second of the day, because I respect myself and to do anything less would be a disservice.

    (This goes both ways: nothing is uglier to me, nothing reeks more of weakness in a woman's personality than if she second-guesses her strive for competence by worrying about whether she's "validation-seeking." :noes::noes::noes: If somebody has to TELL a girl to self-actualize, to improve your mind, to tone your body, to claim your sexual power, to increase your social value, that is flat out disgusting to me.)

    Validation is EXACTLY the same thing as competence, in any area of life. Anyone who pretends there is some difference between seeking validation, and gaining competence, is fooling themselves. Or they've read one too many Cosmo's, or haven't really thought very hard about what the word actually means, or how insipidly it is used.

    (And side note for the rest of the vag: I'm not saying that the only hackles raised by a man announcing his interest in learning Game will be girls' insecurities. Obviously, insecurity is not limited to one gender. If you're a chode who has no confidence, you will feel threatened at the thought of another guy working on his ladiez abilities just as much as an insecure girl will feel threatened. Flame me if you wish, but I'm just saying it like it is :dunno:)
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2008
  14. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I can think of no safe way to break the news to this girl. :( Sorry.

    Maybe if you start by teasing her playfully about playing it up for guys... rewarding her emotionally for fliratiousness, and whatnot... she will start to see that love is not proprietary for you, and that gaming other people can actually be healthy for the both of you. That would make this transition smoother.
     
  15. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I concur with this statement, 4 years of more than an adequate amount of time to know whether you would like to marry someone or not..... The ONE is entire is a very relative term, the more experience you have the more you realize who THE ONE needs to be for a relationship to work; when you find her, you realize a loooooooong term relationship/marriage could and will work.
     
  16. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I disagree with that statement.

    I view relationships in terms of what is there in the moment... not in terms of some arbitrary end goal, or arbitrary criteria for when you can call a relationship "successful." What your relationship with someone is like, simply IS.

    To me, the whole idea of approaching relationships this way - as investment opportunities, where you deposit some emotional intimacy and the shaft of your penis, based on calculations suggesting that you will later withdraw a marriage contract - is counter to the entire point of relationships, which I like to be organic, go-with-the-flow, and messy.

    Experiences simply for the sake of themselves. Intrinsically valuable.

    That's just how I see it. Obviously, the Relationship Finish Line, as it were, is not "arbitrary" to you or to iwywb or to others who share your view.
     
  17. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    ^^ It could def work long term between me and her but i don't know if it might work better with someone else.

    that aside, JJJ, i see your point of view. lets not argue semantics as you say, i won't argue it either :). i appreciate the time you took for that reply.

    and yeah, i know girls have, in general, a hard time hearing about this kind of stuff -- even harder if its your SO.
     
  18. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    It's tough to understand what you're really going after here.

    You have a great girl, but you want to spit game at other girls and play the field. This is a common feeling that nearly all guys get when in an LTR, HOWEVER, the difference maker usually comes down to how you feel about your s/o. If those are just thoughts in your head and you really love your gf and couldn't do anything to hurt her then you are probably just getting scared of committment.

    If you find yourself constantly doubting your relationship, and becoming increasingly intolerant of your gf and just don't want the relationship any longer then walk away man.

    Take it from me.... When these feelings (by the girl or the guy) are harbored and the relationship continues it can get ugly.
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Take it from me, it doesn't have to be this way.

    However, it may have to be this way with this particular girl. That's where the trouble comes in. "LTR's are like vases... you can shape them easily enough while they are being molded but after they set it's hard to change them without breaking everything." - somebody
     
  20. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Good Lord is that a good quote.

    I just went though the aspect of that. You spend years in an LTR doing things one way and then someone changes and you TRY to mold the LTR again to fit the new situations of the LTR, but it's a delicate situation and shit just breaks.
     
  21. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    i know. the thing is i had a strong frame when i entered this relationship and it was great for my values 3 or 4 years ago. i knew how independent i was and that i needed a lot of alone time, to spend time wiht my friends, party on the weekend, etc - and because i set that early its never been a problem. But i just keep growing more and more independent and open minded. i have evolved a lot and now *the relationship* doesn't quite fit, however the girl might. its like i want to upgrade to version 2.0.
     
  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    :werd:

    That's why I'm not sure how the OP can pull this off.

    Anything's possible. The best thing I can think of to recommend is still rewarding her playfully / emotionally rewarding her for being sexy for other guys. Slooooowly at first because it will be a little odd for her and she may be self-conscious. Then when you approach the topic later on she may be able to see better how social/sexual validation/freedom/semi-freedom (or whatever you want to call it) can be non-threatening.

    You'd best stick a bunch of disclaimers in, though, because even IF she in her own private mind space decides that semi-polyamory makes sense, she will be attacked on ALL sides by people telling her she's absolutely nuts. So if the conversation ever happens, it should include sth like, "Yeah, I dunno. I never thought I might be like this. But even if it were a good idea, I wouldn't be looking forward to the attacks on all sides. HA HA" (she asks what you mean by 'attacks', you explain) Obviously you would phrase it differently from how I would phrase it, but something along those lines so that she psychologically geared herself against outside corruptive influence.
     
  23. Hahawhat?

    Hahawhat? New Member

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    The problem in this realationship is failure to spit game towards your SO. I guarantee that is part of the problem, I was in the exact same situation. I wanted to flirt with other people but nothing more than flirt, it is a great ego booster and fun to do. Then I realized this was because I wasn't doing the best job of flirting with the SO. Long story short, pull out some mad game and lay it down on the SO, if you aren't happy with the response you get then bail. I pulled out all the stops one night with the SO and I haven't had a better day since then. It was the best day of my life and it put the best smile on my SO's face that made me happy. Just out of curiosity, give it a try. It might just work out for you in the long run.
     
  24. BlackIce72

    BlackIce72 New Member

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    Even if I don't agree with everything you've said in here JJJ, I'm loving the energy.

    Couple things you said I really dig and agree with. Won't necessarily point out which ones, haha!
     
  25. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    That's interesting.

    Game for me would be consciously treating other girls, the way I unconsciously treat the girl I'm in love with.
     

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