SRS G/F likes meeting ppl off the internet

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by sneaky, Jul 21, 2006.

  1. sneaky

    sneaky New Member

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    Dating for 3 years, currently broken up, doing our best to work it out. She's 20 and i'm 23

    I'm having trouble accepting this is my problem. As much i just wanna say fine do as you please, i simply can't. She's told me that i can't possibly fulfill her every need and especially not her need for social interaction. But wouldn't that be the definition of "the one" for her? Shouldn't she be shooting for someone that can hold her interest alot better than i can?

    She's a social butterfly, she loves to enjoy herself, she loves to talk, and she loves to flirt. I'm actually perfectly fine with her flirting but she does refrain from getting too sexually suggestive.

    The first time she met a guy from a car forum, didn't ask me how i felt but did tell me what she was doing. Didn't really like that but atleast she told me.

    Second time she met a guy from an offtopic forum like this, told me and asked how i felt and everything went smooth.

    Third time was a little bit more rocky but the initial meeting i was generally ok with.

    Fourth time she didn't ask me how i felt again, didn't feel she should have to ask my feelings in the matter and said she simply forgot.

    Two of those encounters almost turned into romantic encounters and hid some things from me which dwindled my trust significantly.

    I feel like she's dating, not necessarily to meet potential lovers/boyfriends but its like i'm not good enough for her, like i can't be her everything. And i'm having alot of trouble dealing with this. I feel that i've been working with her, but i don't feel she's working with me in the matter and how i feel about it. Its like she wants her way or the highway. Not even sure if i should have to deal with it.
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    So you think she's your girlfriend, hmm? So certain are you... I wouldn't be.
    She's certainly shopping around.

    As for the "almost romantic encounters"...how often do you end up "accidentally" kissing some girl you really disliked. Ummm, yeah.

    The "currently broken up" status seems to me...will soon be permanent. As soon as she finds a guy she can get some real traction on.

    Sorry dude.
    Where's that gif of the ejection seat. Hilarious.
     
  3. Diesel Fumes

    Diesel Fumes Guest

    Abort

    If you keep persueing this it will only hurt you further. Try being single for a while, it rocks!
     
  4. sneaky

    sneaky New Member

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    Could any of you accept your S.O. doing this?

    I call her my g/f because we're still in the same apartment and we still pretty much act like we're together but are techinally seperated...limbo.
     
  5. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    HELL NO and neither should you! The fact of the matter is that you have very low self respect. I am not saying this to insult you, but for you to stay with a girl who constantly is disrespecting you and using you... you must have low self confidence to allow this to happen.

    There wouldn't even be a first time with me. I am engaged and if my fiance' told me that she met some guy online and either wanted to meet him or actually did, I'd kick her out of my house, get my ring back, and call of the engagement. I refuse to waste my valuabe time with someone who doesn't respect me and who's willing to humiliate me.

    Think about it. She's done far more than "almost romantic encounters" and each of these guys likely knew she was with you. They might have even laughed about you. You should be ashamed of yourself that you kept forgiving her or allowing this betrayal.

    Be a man and locate your balls dude. You deserve far better than to be some girls bitch. Kick her ass out. Don't even tell her. Pack her shit up and help her load it up when she gets one.

    Yeesh man...
     
  6. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    omg disconnect dude

    in a situation where u care more, you can never bring someone up to speed. not by asking them to, not by behaving differently. the only way would be if they got there themselves.

    this sounds like an uphill battle... as a rule, a relationship shouldn't be an uphill battle, the weight should be equal on both partners. if you are w someone who's not on your level you are wasting your time b/c frankly there is someone who is a better match.
     
  7. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Does she have enough money/resources/willpower to move out and live on her own?

    Sounds like a common story where one person is emotionally checked out already and begun moving on. Although they still live together due to lack of options/funds/time etc.

    I'd have a serious talk.

    Within a committed relationship, her going out and test driving all these other guys is obviously a no-no.
    Come on, we need to debate that? Absurd.

    And her "my way or the highway" deal...ok lay it down. If this is your apt, then act like it. She cleans up or she leaves.

    It's ridiculous for her to enjoy all the privileges of living in your space, while at the same time, soliciting other guys and checking them out...and "almost" getting romantic with them. "Almost"
    Bah! Absurd. If that's what she'll tell you, how far did it REALLY go.



    It's just a matter of time. I'm not counselling you break up, not just yet.

    But you're headed in that direction, so you need to settle up and figure out where you stand.
    Continuing to do nothing, is continuing to let yourself be used.
     
  8. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Everything is fine up until that last bit. Finding friends on the internet is fine. Even meeting up with them is fine. She should be aware of how you feel about it and should try not to upset you as long as you're not stifling her, but she shouldn't have to ask your permission for it, which is the impression I'm getting of what you'd like her to do.

    That said, she should not be hiding things from you, and she shouldn't be looking for romantic emotional fulfillment from someone else if the relationship you share isn't open. If she feels the need to feel romantically linked to other people, then she's not ready to settle down and commit yet, she has low self-esteem and seeks romantic approval from many people, or you're not the right one for her. Whichever the case may be, she's disrespecting you by not being completely honest.

    You are being used by her. You're a crutch she can lean on until she finds something better, or possibly so that she can have her cake and eat it too (flirt and experience the thrill of the chase while still having a guaranteed fuckbuddy to split bills with). Unless you're content with being a doormat, I'd suggest you pick yourself up, remove yourself from the situation and find someone who respects you and whom you can respect.
     
  9. Hua

    Hua AZN photographer crew

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    If she were just meeting guys off the Internet to be friends with, she would be bringing you along. It works both ways. If a guy were to meet girls in person that he met online and didn't tell his g/f, then he'd be shopping around and cheating. You sound in denial like my roommate.
     
  10. sneaky

    sneaky New Member

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    Both times it "almost turned into romantic encounters" we were on the rocks. I'm not using that as an excuse i'm just letting you know the facts.
    I don't have low-self esteem, i trust her intentions. I know she just needs to talk eccessively (sp?) and she guarantees that these are just friends and interesting ppl. I don't try to control her, i just want my feelings considered in her decisions.

    So some of you would be ok with your S.O. meeting ppl off the internet is what i'm getting at, the rest say hell no. I'm just seeing where other ppl stand so i can know that i'm not crazy and that other ppl have the same thoughts of "why is she doing this?" that i do. I try to be a good b/f and be supportive but theres just a line where i feel like i'm being walked over.
     
  11. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    CHATTING with people on the net, that may be ok. But meeting in guys in person would be absolutely out of the question. If all she needs out of their association is talking, then online should be plenty. There is no need for a physical relationship just to communicate. To say that she needs more than intellectual communcation, to say she needs a physical aspect with other guys, ..that's a big problem.
     
  12. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Meeting "friends" off the internet might be ok, it might not be. It depends on what her true intentions are and what her true feelings toward you are.

    You haven't said much about that, and the little you have said...seems to indicate she doesn't really care that much about you. Her disinterest in your feelings, her disrespect for your wishes, "my way or the highway" etc.

    So you do the math there slugger.


    Meeting people off the internet is just one (small) piece of the puzzle.

    The larger question is...how does she feel about you, what are her intentions toward the future of the relationship. Get it?

    - If she's solid, very open, and willing to bring you along...fine, no problems.

    - If she doesn't want you along, gets "mad" when you ask her what's up, doesn't seem to care about your feelings or wishes....well, you still need that spelled out for you?



    How bout you consider my original advice which was to have that one open and honest conversation with her about your relationship. Instead of studying tracks in the dirt, or putting your ear to the ground, listening for hoofbeats, trying to divine her intent from a single piece of behaviour.

    Sheesh. Just TALK to her. Ask her what's up. I know you haven't (yet) because you're afraid of the answer. But you need to do it.
     
  13. Sandwich

    Sandwich OT Supporter

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    bro you are in my shoes right now. i am in almost (95%) of the same situation you are/were in. its eary how similar your story sounds to my situation.
     
  14. CastorTroy

    CastorTroy New Member

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    At her age, she's probably not ready to make a solid commitment. She's looking around because she doesn't know what or who's out there and she's exploring. Trying to hold onto her during this time will likely only end up hurting you. I've been here before with an ex during our very early 20's, I tried to make it work but she was too interested in meeting new people (resulting in new relationships), I moved on and am way happier with my new SO.
     
  15. sneaky

    sneaky New Member

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    Not true but i do thank you for your honest opinion. I'm not under a rock here hiding from the answer i've been talking to her about this for 3 weeks recently and going on 2 years prior. This is why i say i trust her intentions... but i don't trust her judgement. She says she needs more than conversation over the net, that she needs...crap i can't remember her exact words, something about interpersonal stimulation or some shit, but she maintains that her intentions are true, that she only wants to be with me at night and that she just drains knowledge and life experience from these different ppl and then she's done with them.

    Thats why i came to ask the specific question of is this normal? And could any of you accept the same request from your partner? I was never truely ok with it, i merely tolerated it and compromised because i'm a giver, i want her to be happy but not at the expense of making me into a fool.

    She does ask if i want to go with her tho, there are just some cases where i don't want to or where i have to work. She doesn't hide it, and romantic encounters can come from ANYWHERE. Trying to prevent her from meeting ppl off the internet is pointless if through mutual friends she's meeting other friends and getting to know them. I can't stop her from meeting ppl, nor do i want to. If anything i'd rather stop myself from being with a person who has such desires, or just deal with it. But it doesn't feel right.
     
  16. sneaky

    sneaky New Member

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    I wouldn't mind hearing about your situation. Hell, maybe we can help eachother out.
     
  17. johan

    johan Active Member

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    If you believe this answer then you ought to be fine with it.

    Not always, but many times, mental stimulation leads to emotional stimulation...which ultimately leads to physical stimulation.

    Is her wanting to meet other guys in that manner, "normal" yeah, its not that abnormal. Depending on what her intention is. You like to skip past that part, and question the normalcy of the behaviour only.

    I'm trying to explain that the behaviour needs the CONTEXT to interpret it properly. Not just the behaviour alone.


    So if you believe her and trust her which it sounds like you sorta do, then, don't worry about it.

    Usually though, this is a prelude to eventually moving on. Especially at her youngish age. There's lots to experience and do out there.
     
  18. juzzie26

    juzzie26 New Member

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    It doesn't feel right to me either. All signs point to -> Kick her to the curb. In your first post you admitted you have broken up. You are past the point in having a say in asking her to stop her meeting other guys.

    Tell her you're going to meet up with someone you found on a fashion forum (or something that would tick her off) and see how she reacts to that. If you get no sign of jealousy from her, then move on.
     
  19. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    If she was really just social and loved to talk then she would be meeting girls too or hanging out in groups a lot. The fact that she only meets up with guys 1 on 1 should tell you something about her intentions...
     
  20. sneaky

    sneaky New Member

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    I feel the same way. "The one" is supposed to be the one person your able to share your entire world with, the one person who you feel interests you the most, the person you like to be around the most if even to just enjoy their company. She doesn't have that same definition. She doesn't think anyone can interest her that much but i need to give her the chance to see if there is anyone.

    As for me meeting girls off the net...get this...At the beginning of last year we were broken up and i'd started talking to a girl off a dating site named Gracie. Well my SO and i got back together but i was still talking to Gracie but only as a friend. This is when the superbowl was rolling into town also and they were having a NFL experience like "punt, pass, and kick." So i asked my SO if she wanted to go and she immediately declined saying she didn't like football and told me to take someone else. Well Gracie was into football and she asked if she could go with me. I asked my SO if i could go with Gracie and how she would feel about it and she flipped. All of a sudden she wanted to go just so i wouldn't be able to go with Gracie. She says her whole problem with me meeting Gracie was that i met her on a dating website. But i don't buy that. If she gets to meet ppl from wherever, whenever, and whatnot then i should have been given the same freedom.

    Now that she wants unconditional freedom she says i can meet whomever i want. But she'd still have a problem with Gracie. Its like she'll try to change the rules based on how much freedom she wants for herself at the moment.

    I've asked her to meet these ppl in only a group atmosphere also, she doesn't understand the difference between that and meeting them by herself so she doesn't really cooperate with that suggestion.

    Theres also the matter of safety. I feel like if you can gain her interest as far as intellect combined with a little trust then anyone could convince her to meet up somewhere.
     
  21. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    sneaky, it appears to me that you are really only looking for the answer that you want to hear. You don't seem to be interested in listening to things you don't want to consider.

    This girl doesn't care for you that much, she cares far more about herself. She's disrespected you, lied to you (yes she did), made a fool out of you, and in all likeliness-cheated on you. You say you don't have low self esteem, but why else would you stay with someone like this? Her not caring as much for you as she does herself would be enough all alone for me to kick her to the curb, but accompany that with everything else, it looks like simple desperation if you try to keep her around. Yeesh!
     
  22. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    Make it clear you are not gonna put up with shopping around, and you are done with her unless she is serious.

    My girlfriend asked me to stop communicating with random guys and girls over the net. I stopped communicating with the girls... I talk to enough at work and such, I dont want it to become a huge issue. She still brings it up even though I do not do it, thats how seriously she takes it.

    Dont be a sucker.
     
  23. sneaky

    sneaky New Member

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    no, its not that i'm looking for an answer i only want to hear. My question is "could you deal with it?" and if so under what circumstances and conditions?

    The thing is you guys are looking from the outside in. I know this girl very well, she's not some hoe off the streets, ya know? Thats why i can only listen to so much of the advice. I skip the "kick her to the curb she's cheating mentality" because i know its not true. I'm the only one that can make that clear of an assumption because i'm the one thats with her.

    As for self-esteem issues, the only things i'm scared of is rejection from random girls and being HORRIBLY betrayed. The reasons i try to work with her meeting ppl is because its who she is, she's a social butterfly, she loves talking and connecting with ppl. I do my best as a SO to understand and accept this. My patience ASTOUNDS those around me. Its not self esteem, i'm just very patient and even more so when i'd like to see something like this relationship work. That, and i'm not a quiter. Its just that in this case you give an inch and they want a mile.

    But, i've been through enough. I've never believed in ppl changing for anyone or anything but themselves. And in this case she'll never change and i can't ask her to. I've tried accepting it, i've tried talking it out rationally and coming to a mutual agreement, and i've tried being authoritative. I feel like i've tried it all.

    I guess you guys were getting the impression that i was trying to talk myself into getting back with her when its completely the opposite. I'm trying to see how others would handle this situation or if you could even withstand the problems this relationship has gone through.

    I'm still on the path of gettin out of the apartment and seperating myself from her. End result, I'll find someone who respects me how i want to be respected and i'll return the same respect to her.

    Oh and its the financial stuff that keeps us in the same apt. I can't just move right away and neither can she.
     
  24. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    You said:

    And now you are making up excuses for her saying, "Oh she's just a social butterfly". WHAT?! Don't be naive brother, she's not a "social butterfly" she's a CHEATER. No partner who cares for you and respects you would ever begin to search online to begin with, much less actually meet up with these people and create at least 2 occassions wtih romantic encounters. To write this off as, "Oh she's just a social butterfly" is about the most naive and ridiculous thing I've heard in a LONG time.

    I am not trying to be rude here, I am trying to get it through to you that even searching online for a member of the opposite sex to talk to should be grounds for relationship termination. Going as far as to meet many people online, turn more than a few of them into face to face encounters, with at least two of them being romantic encounters that she lied about... well that's just plain vile. But go ahead. Make excuses up for her, talk about how it was a rare occurance, how it won't happen again, how she's just a social butterfly. Yeesh man...
     
  25. sneaky

    sneaky New Member

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    when did i say it wouldn't happen again? Thats one of the reasons i'm leaving because she broke our agreement and i see absolutely no end in sight to this maddness.

    She's not "searching" online to specifically meet other guys tho. She's a car girl. She's on plenty of car forums and random offtopic forums like this one...including this one. And being a car girl your practically just surrounded with guys. The conversations start off about cars and lead to whatever. She gets to know them personally and vice versa and then she wants to meet them.

    I too don't understand why it can't be kept online. I don't know what compells her to meet ppl in person face to face.

    I'm not naive, but i'm also not going to accuse her of being a cheater. I stopped thinking with the mentality that i'm always right and that she's dead wrong. What she's doing isn't wrong, its just who she is. But she needs to find somebody else that can accept it and her lol cause i can't be that person anymore.

    To truely understand my reasoning for sticking around previously you have to get it out of your head that she's doing this specifically to cheat on me.

    Haven't you ever heard of a completely trusting and open relationship where both parties are able to meet and talk openly to other ppl? Its not how i invision my relationship being but it does exist. So i'm gonna let her find it. Not sure how she's gonna find that if she can't tell the truth...but thats on her.

    I'll find myself a nice girl that is on the same level of respect that i am is all.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2006

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