SRS Frustrating shit

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by tubachris85x, Sep 11, 2008.

  1. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    This is more of a rant then anything..

    Lately, Ive been feeling as if everything and everyone's been closing in on me. Granted, Im not perfect, theres alot of things about me that I should be changing, and at least attempting to.

    I feel as if everyone has just been focusing more on my faults then anything ever. I get nothing positive half the time anymore. If theres nothing to fight about with anyone, people around me just try to start anything, from small things.

    My parents feel that Im "wasting" their time and money up here, that I have no "plans" or a direction. However, alot of this is partially my own fault, because I dont communicate as much as I should with them, leaving them to only hear the "bad" things about me and thats it. So, it's kind of hard to change their pre-concieved notion about me.

    My faults usually stem from my own lack of willingness mainly. Just alot of small things, but always somehow ammounts to "big deals," resulting in parents telling me I should just move back with them and take classes locally there, just because they *think* im not helping maintaining a house here, when in fact I have, and my brother just tends to deny it, regardless, who my parents listen to over me.

    Ive always felt "2nd," through birth and life. I feel everyone is expecting me to be like him, when I dont want to. I have my own life and people dont seem to understand and respect that. Ive spent 7 1/2 years of my life doing just military, military and military, since 11 to almost my 19th b-day. I know I wasnt a perfect cadet in the program, but I sure as hell tried. Ive planned since to join the military as an officer through college, but lately, Ive felt just burnt out. My family dosnt seem to understand this, and confuse it, and consider me lazy.

    Its really fucking frustrating when you've been the one doing the "military thing" your whole life, where as the brother hasnt, but then decides to get into it randomly in college, and supercedes you just because of age, AND then people expect you to be "just like him." For example, monday, we had PT (army ROTC) Im not the fastet runner, thats one thing I know I need to work on, and the senior cadet who's trying to motivate me says "Come on! Keep up the pace, your a *My last name*! I asked what she meant by that, she responded "Your *Last name*'s bro, right? Well you have to be just like him you know." Shit like that, just dosnt make me want to do shit if it involves him.

    For one, Ive yet to ever be respected for the things make me happy. "Oh, your bro can collect guns and beer bottles and whatever, but wait, building replica's and costumes and shit you wear for charity events and visit terminally ill children in? No, thats stupid." Yes, its silly, but fucking christ, it makes me happy to know that I was able to build something and call it my own. My parents dont understand that very well, and no one else but the people who are also involved understand. I dont want them to understand, I want them to just respect it and leave it at that, instead of harping on my ass about it all the time. Because of this, my HOBBY, Ive been able to not only work at my college's theatre by helping them build sets and whatever for plays, but Ive also been able to get involved in a program that Ive wanted to get into for a VERY long time. Granted, Im only a volunteer, but still, Im still able to come in and do what I can, in the hopes of getting more involved and learning new things.

    I dont have a job at the moment, but then again, it's been hard to get one, friends and people Ive talked to in the tally area KNOW how hard it is for a college student to get a job is. So, like Ive already spewed over this site before, Im using MY HOBBY as a small source of income. But whenever I need to work on a prop or piece that I have been paid to do, I get crap for working on it, "you shouldnt be using the garage, it's just for cars," meanwhile, theres a fucking literal garage band right across the street :hsugh:

    Another thing that Ive been doing that relates to my hobby, has been a fundraiser for a known propmaker's wife who was stricken with cancer. Im not the only one participating, but I feel Im doing something generous to the cause, and even then, people around me still just "dont care" and continue with the negatives.

    Another positive is that Ive found a local community band that I joined monday, and I get to play Tuba again for the first time in about a year and a half. I expect to get alot out from this, but I feel that it's just gonna become another "bad thing."

    The whole idea of being a "failiure" is being thrown onto me like a wet towel. In one sense, I feel that I am setting something up for my future, but I havent narrowed it down to any one specific thing yet. Where I understand that my parents want me to succeed, I think they only hear and treat me like "number two." Having been cheated on in my first and last relationship makes me feel like Ive hit rock bottom, despite getting over it. I mean getting dumped one week, and then getting laid off the next? I mean, how should one feel after that?

    Ive got alot of shit to sort out and deal with. I just hope I "make everyone happy, so I can feel even more miserable then I am :)"
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2008
  2. scottmcl

    scottmcl New Member

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    What you really need is to get away from your current environment, it seems to be emotional unhealthy.

    You are obsessively trying to please and live up to you families expectation...you need to stop.

    Start living for yourself, if what you do makes you happy, thats great.

    Burnt out from college? Take a break... go back packing... Just get away for awhile.
     
  3. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    Trust me, I feel like just moving out and living in a log cabin in the middle of a forest so I can mind my own business. Sorry I forgot to specify, I meant ive been burnt out of the whole military thing
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Its time for a PR campaign Mr.Chris.

    You see a lot of your accomplishments go unnoticed in your life, simply because your not making enough commercials about 'how good you are'. Communicating with your parents and showing off your skills while your at it will improve your position.

    The second thing you are doing wrong is not telling people to SHUT UP! Tell them you don't care about hearing anything about your brother, this is your life. How the hell are people going to stop if you don't tell them to stop? It might not be an all miracle cure but at least you need to fight against it.

    Mr.Chris its obvious that you do not want to stand in the shadow of your brother, this is why it is VITAL that you obtain a shadow of your own.
     
  5. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    If it were that easy..

    It feels as if, even no matter how much I "show off," that it still dosnt matter. Even then, I dont want to be considered a "show off." Granted, when I build something or do something Im proud of, I do like to show people, but whats the point when everything Ive done means nothing in the eyes of others when most of them already have this preconcieved notion that "I'm never good enough" to claim my own status or "shadow" as you called it.

    The ONLY time Ive felt exclusive in a sense that I wasnt seen or treated as "2nd" was when I was in the florida youth orchestra. People there actually looked up to me for a change, and I felt most happiness there, and no overwhelming force that someone is going to crush it all and take that away from me, as already happend here.

    Sorry if I seem like im just complaining, but its hard to not talk about something when no one seems to want to listen.
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    You know in my vision it seems to me that if you ever want to break loose from this inferiour complex, you have to move elsewhere,break contact and live your own life. Or have a very complete and strong sense of yourself and who you are, with a gigantic I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME. Attitude.

    Perhaps, there's a third way tho.

    Couldn't you possibly 'talk' to your parents. And say: Listen you might have never noticed it but i really dislike it when i am compared to my brother, if you can say how it makes you feel so miserable and really don't feel comfortable with it, your parents will hopefully understand it and steer away of making you feel inferious, also to your instructor i would say: Please don't compare me to my brother, i am myself and no one else.

    Might not be an all cure but just give it a try and maby it will help reduce the bad comments.
     
  7. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    I really would move away if I could. Just right now, Im in position where I just cant up and leave, especially with school and whatnot. He's moving out relativly soon though.

    Ive really been trying to get that kind of attitude since the break up, cause I just honestly did not give two shits about anything at the time. Its hard now where the only small group of people I do hang out with know him, and they all get this perception that "Im the baby" of the family, and that leads to no real respect to myself

    As for my parents, Ive told them time and time again about all this. Nothing changes. Maybe for like a week or two but then it goes back to the way it was before.


    Im just sick of this BS
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    What you've got is a severe case of a family curse. I've seen this kind of stuff happen to a person i was close with before, and if you don't experience it first hand, then you could absolutely not phatom what you are going thru.

    [​IMG]

    This card reflects the unreasonable suffering, and a person with this card of appearance can get accused without being guilty.

    the Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth.The Tower, stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." When the Querent gets this card, they can expect to be shaken up, to be blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.

    So what has this got to do with you? This life stadium of the tower is where you are currently in. Lies are being constructed and fabricated around you, and these are shovled into your mouth by your loved ones, which makes you incredible susceptible to accepting these lies as a truth.

    For you the most essensial thing is to break down your parents, break down your friends, break down your instructor and dispense all the lies they have been saying. You're not less or above anyone else. The truth is that you are beautifull just the way you are. You are OK, there's nothing wrong with you.

    And in times that no one in the world seems to support you, you need to support yourself.

    In order to prevent future hurt. You need to be like a castle gate closing yourself to bad people/things/events, and open yourself up to good people/things/events, if you let the enemy into your castle they will only end up destroying it(even if its family), and leaving you crying over the ruins.From there you can keep on crying, or rebuild your life, i advice you to rebuild your life.

    What option is there for you? The only thing you can do is to try to make the best of the situation. Yes you'll get the harassment you'll get the ill treatment, but if you know its coming then you know you don't need to listen to it.

    I always say it like this. My dad was an extreme pessimist , never believed in that i could do anything, and put me down in everything i did. I came to think how his negativity lead to nowhere, if a seed wants to grow, how can it, when there's an angry man constantly stamping in rage on the ground, pushing the seed back, never allowing it to grow. A seed needs a bunch of good ingredients, light, water, serenity, good soil, an encouraging farmer instead of a raging negative madman. That encouraging farmer has got to be you, you should stop listening to your enviroment, what love can one receive from thornbushes? That's why you need to start loving and supporting yourself. You know what, you don't need your parents, nor your brother. You are yourself and no one else, namely a strong person, you believe in yourself, you have your own God given boat with paddles to row in. No one will do that for you, so its your life. Not your brothers, not your parents, your life, and your life is what you make of it. You might screw everything up, you might work incredibly hard and be a succes, but you are going to make sure that the quality of your life is going to depend on you. :cool:
     

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