SRS Frustrated with wife...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by CappyStyles, Sep 5, 2008.

  1. CappyStyles

    CappyStyles New Member

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    So, I've thought about making a post in here many times over the last year or two - all for more 'serious' issues that I've been able to overlook or suck-up. I guess becuase this is not so 'end of the world' it's easier to finally do. So...

    My wife refuses to change her lifestyle / attempt to make me happy. The main issue with this now (and I suppose has been for awhile) is her weight. When we got married she was 5'5, 135lbs. To me, this is a fine size - she was very attractive. Now, shes still 5'5 and pushing 175-185. She complains about this less frequently than before (almost if as she is just accepting it). She is constantly asked if she is pregnant by strangers and friends (shes not). She asks me all the time to buy her more and more; larger and larger clothes as she continues to grow out of the old clothes. (Which were bought once she grew too big for the things she wore when we were married). She refuses to count calories, exercise, or eat responsibly. I invite her to the gym with me frequently (I go 3-5 times a week). I've expressed in very clear, rational discussions how much it bothers me, but that I still love her. It's hard becuase I can't help but think...this isn't the person I signed up with. She changed in a big way. I didn't. I feel almost cheated that my attractive wife has been replaced with someone I would never try to be romantic with.

    She frequently responds by saying how much she would like to change and look like she used too. She recently told me I was making her feel bad by my actions - IE: I've begun to avoid sex becuase she is not very attractive to me anymore. I grab her rolls of fat subconsciously until she glares at me. So - I've stoped this. I backed way off the last few weeks...and nothing has changed.

    Just now - I was very hungry and wanted to spend some time having lunch with her (as we both work alot), and suggested we go to the gym after. We were talking about going to Pizza Hut. She said she did not want to do anything but eat and come home to sleep (at 1pm). At this point, I was literally unable to go out to eat with her. I didn't get mad - but I couldn't stop thinking of her shoveling in 1500+ cals of pizza, pasta and bread, and then waking up in the morning just a little bit fatter.

    So now I'm here...with only an hour to eat lunch, and work out before I need to be in my office to finish some work. I let her drag me down and away from the things I know I need to do for myself. I don't know what to do if she won't change, or even honestly try to change (aside from pay me BS lipservice). I don't want to leave her. She's a great girl, and I do love her - this just hurts me alot, and it's starting to spill over in other parts of our relatioship.

    I'm sure the topic seems shallow - and I agree that it is. However - I've learned that sex and physical attraction are an important part of a successfull relationship. I'm loosing whats left of both of them - very fast. It hurts when I clearly express what I need from her - and she ignores it. I suspect it's almost as much of an emotional issue for me as a physical one.

    Any comments you guys have, I'd like to hear. Thanks alot for your time.

    Cliffs: Married hottie. She got fat. She won't get skinny again. I'm depressed.
     
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Well, it's definitely not being shallow. Physical attraction is a big part of a relationship, but more concerning to me is the fact that she acknowledges the issue, but refuses to do anything about it.

    Maybe compromise? Instead of pushing her to go to the gym as much, offer to help her make healthier meals, in order to start damage control?

    Second, stop buying her clothes and such. If she is going to keep outgrowing her current ones, it should be up to her to buy new ones.

    I'm not saying you should leave her (although, realistically, if you guys don't have kids, that actually IS an option), but if she isn't listening, you need to show her with your actions that you are not going to accept this lifestyle.

    So, in any way you can, stop enabling the lifestyle.
     
  3. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    i don't think it's shallow at all... like you said, it's not "what you signed up for". if someone changes drastically after you marry them (either physically or emotionally) in a negative way, there are going to be problems.

    it seems like you've already done what most people would offer for advice (talk to her), but it obviously hasn't worked. if subtle encouragement isn't enough to get her moving, maybe something more drastic would work. i know this sounds like game-playing, but maybe if she realizes that she might lose you because of her weight, she would get serious about losing it. for example, would it be possible for you to stay at a friend's house for a few days or something?

    btw how old are you both?
     
  4. CappyStyles

    CappyStyles New Member

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    I suspect I should field some more posts before answering, but... thanks for responding / not bashing me out.

    Her agreement but in-action is what I mean when I say it's really emotionaly hard. When someone accepts that theres something they can easily do that would greatly improve your happiness and relationship...and avoids doing it at all costs.

    I've offered to spend however much time, and money she needs to workout with her, run with her, get her a trainer, buy all heatlhy organic food, ect. I pretty much do everything I can think of to push her toward a decent lifestyle. It's hard becuase her two jobs (Pizza Place and Mid-level restraunt) both put her around constant cheap, yummy, high calorie food. And of corse, she refuses to exercise to use any of those cals. I really don't feel like there is anything left for me to do.

    I resist the clothes, and the food, like what happened a few hours ago. It's not that *I* buy these things - because we're very married. Only one bank account, and we're both very good at being responsible with money. She asks if its ok to buy them, and....theres not another option. I can't really say "No. I know you cannot fit into the clothes you have now, can't work in them, and can't do anything productive without clothes...but you still can't buy more that will fit." Enabling is exactly the word I used when I told her why I couldn't go eat lunch anymore....and she just rolled over and went to sleep.

    So...yeah - I know the only option I have is to leave. I constantly focus on the things that I can change in life, and try not to get stressed or rocked by the things I cannot. This is just...my wife. You know? Yeah...I'm unhappy right now, yeah, this particular issue has not been resolved over the last two years...but; It's really hard for me to see myself breaking up with her over something thats not tottaly insane. IE: AIDS from 6blackguysinmybed. Thats not what I want to do. And I guess I just want to make sure it really is my only option to feel uh... 'normal and sexual' again. :hsd:
     
  5. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    I think you're totally justified in your thoughts, and I also commend you for trying to help her. Its a fine line between trying to help and simply bashing her for being fat, one I can tell you're trying to work within.

    First, how long have you been married? How long has it taken her to put on this weight?

    I've gained (and lost again) about the same amount of weight she has, but I put in on relatively slowly and while I was aware that I was "bigger" it took a long time before it actually hit me exactly how much bigger I was. Even having to buying new clothes didnt really make it sink in. You need to try to (nicely but forcefully) help her realize exactly whats changed about her body. For me, having my mom comment on it was the last straw...Have you tried inlisting the help of her family? Maybe using a "for her health" angle?

    When she tells you she doesnt want to go to the gym or eat healthier, I think you need to think about the reasons she gives you for not wanting to do them. She said she wanted to sleep, so if she's tired at the times you go to the gym, maybe try to work with her and her schedule to find a non-tired time?
    Or if she objects to healthy food because it doesnt taste good, try finding some tasty low calorie stuff?
    My point is that if you can pinpoint the reasons she's avoiding this stuff, you might be able to work with those objections rather than tackling the whole "I dont want to go" argument...
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I would give her an ultimatum, either she loses weight or you leave her. Tell her that you two have to work together to solve this problem, and that you won't accept her being overweight in the relationship and doing her own health damage like this, because unless her thyroid has exploded , she has absolutely no valid exuse to be fat, you do effort to stay in shape for her, and she should simular do effort to stay in shape for you. tell her that if she doesn't care about your happyness, that you have no longer reason to care about her happyness. A relationship has got to go both ways. Tell her that you are extremely bothered and depressed because of her being overweight, tell her that you no longer recognize the woman you fell in love with. You might get into a fight but you have to make her realise 'the groteske shape of the issue'. You can't be happy in the relationship if there are problems were only 1 of the partners is willing to stick out their hands to resolve them. Both have to work for the sake of eachothers happyness. Love is both giving and taking, and she should do the effort for you and herself to stay healthy.
     
  7. CappyStyles

    CappyStyles New Member

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    Thanks.

    It will be two years we've been married in November. We're young. Young enough that this is not something I expected to worry about within the next 15-20 years. No specific number as I feel it might trivialize future responses.

    She has put the weight on somewhat steadily. I'd say if it's 50lbs total now...the first 20 would be within the first 3 months of the marriage (She had no job / ect when she got to Germany). Then perhaps another 20 over the next year and a quater, and the last 10 when we recently went on a cruise. (2~ months ago).

    I don't think her family would address this with her becuase....her mom is far more overweight then she is. Though her mom has made some good progress getting that weight off recently...it's still pretty bad. Not exactly a 'role model' situation. Also, I would never address a weight issue with someone I was not sleeping with. I understand how they might be concerned becuase they also love her...but I think it's pretty much out of sight / out of mind for them. You know?

    I've tried to tell her I'm concerned about her health - which is true. But...I even have doubts about this myself. She is so young it's hard for me to really believe shes about to have a heart attack / whatever. I think it's much more likely our relationship will die from the weight then she will.

    I agree with the last point - and it's something I'd say we're still working on. Part of it is...she just does not like working out. Or running. Or walking. Or....anything that would encourage health. Which also, was not quite so much the case when we got married. Perhaps I exaggerate there...but most definitly no weight-lifting or cardio. She has expressed how she feels pressured and 'bad' when I ask her to please be healthy and do some physical activity with me...or if I remind her that eating 8 servings of Mac N Cheese at 2am will not be good for her body.

    She eats lean cuisine when I buy them...but will either eat two of them...or complain constantly about being hungry and unhappy until she goes to work and slams a pizza. I've even used a goal-driven approach where she agrees she would like to be skinnier for her sisters upcoming wedding in Aug 09'. So I planned out how she would need to loose only 3-4 lbs a month to be just as skinny as she was. To highlight how significant slow progress and minimal workouts per week can become...and she smiles, and gets excited..and then stays home when I leave for the gym.

    I know I can't force her to do anything...and that her motivation ultimately needs to come from inside her; but at this point I'm not sure if it will...and if one day it does...I don't know how long I'm supposed to suffer with excellent manners and complete indiffrence until then. It's just...so frustrating. If there was a million pound rock or a nest of poison snakes in my house...I would have tried 100 diffrent plans and at least had some success removing them by now...but I'm just tottaly powerless with this. And for the time she won't help me. So. I'm going kind of stir crazy letting it taint my thoughts and outlook on her and our lives...and that really bothers me - becuase I try and be a pretty upbeat guy.
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Ok , after hearing this i would bail out. She's just going to turn into the same thing her mother is , FAT!

    Im giving it zero chance because she's genetically designed to be obese. My dad always used to say, look at the mother, because that's how she is going to be. :hsd:
     
  9. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    HERE is your root problem.

    Here's the deal:

    1. People aren't going to change unless they WANT to change. No matter how much bickering you do, your words aren't going to change her until she wants to change for herself.

    2. You are not CHALLENGING her. You think you are, but not in the ways that she NEEDS to be challenged.

    That being said, my suggestion for you is to encourage her in ways to better herself so that she can find a job that doesn't put her around this food all day. It takes INCREDIBLE willpower to work in those places and not eat the food. I've worked in those places and it almost becomes routine to shove food in your mouth without even thinking about it.

    So job 1 for you is to challenge her for her CAREER. Instead of encouraging her to go to the gym, encourage her to GO BACK TO SCHOOL. But don't do it in a way that makes it seem like you are just doing it so she'll get away from the restaraunts. Show her that you signed on for better or for worse and that you care enough about her to be patient with her and help her in any way you can to get a better job.

    Her eating and wanting to go home to sleep is a HUGE sign of depression. Is she depressed about her weight, OR is the weight gain just a SIGN that other areas of her life are not happy.

    I'd wager the second one.

    You have to fix the root problems. It's like telling a smoker that they need to quit smoking. They already KNOW that they need to quit smoking. They already KNOW that it's killing them. And yet they don't quit because smoking is not the problem, it's the SYMPTOM.

    Figure out the symptom, be there to support her through the symptoms, be PATIENT with her, and encourage her in other ways. Challenge her again.

    It's going to take time, but I believe if you are patient and you remove your focus from her weight and challenge her in other areas of her life, she'll soon WANT to look good again.
     
  10. CappyStyles

    CappyStyles New Member

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    I really appriciate that advice.

    It's quite possible that her jobs are a more significant factor then I accept. The only thing that makes me hesitate about this is if we're togather...looking for something to do when she is not working...she always wants to go out and eat more super rich/fatty restraunt food. She like...really loves eating out. Esp creamy italian pasta.

    I really liked you bringing up a topic that could be contributing - like her education and career. She is very young - and I've been pretty happy to have her working and making money to contribute, regardless of how she does it. It's also hard for her to find a 'real' job when she is pretty much stuck on military posts becuase of my work. She has also taken no college classes (we plan to get her started once we move to the new job in October). I'll be sure to mention some more stuff about school and getting 'daytime / normal / healthier' jobs to her at our new location.

    I can't speak too much on any depression points. I've been with some depressed people, as well as having some bad times myself...and I sorta honestly think shes just lazy these days. She just...likes to lay around. I'll even try to take a closer look at this. It's just a real challenge to get her out of the house or intrested in anything. She says she doesn't have a real reason to get up in the morning when she does not work till 5pm. She would rather stay up till 4am, sleep till 4:30pm and show up abit late for work. She has always wanted to sit around and watch TV more than go take some initiave and find a hobby. 'Always' being in the last two years at least.

    I guess I also shy away from being 'challenging' becuase shes failing so bad at the one challenge I have presented to her - don't get fat. It's not exactly like she is showing a yearning for more personal responsibility here. Still. I'll stay positive and think about these things.
     
  11. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    I wanted to say something about this blurb, even though her mom may be overweight, SHE IS MAKING AN EFFORT and can be seen as a role model. Her mother, if she as big as you say she is, is able to workout, cut calories, do whatever, is making change for herself, then that IS a good role model. And maybe if you talked to her, she'd understand, because she doesn't want to be fat and is loosing weight. It is worth a shot. And bring up the health issues, diabetes, heart attack, clogged arteries. She's young, she needs to stop this now before it gets any worse.


    And, inquire about weight watchers. I have tried and done numerous things, and weight watchers is what keeps me in line. I am NEVER hungry if I eat the right things, and the points system works very well. If she is hungry after lean cuisine, get healthy stuff(which weight watchers helps with) You can have a HUGE salad with chicken and stuff, because salad is usually no points added to your day, or veggies is also no point, fiber one cereal. Eating healthy and dieting DOES NOT have to equal starving.
     
  12. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Just as I encourage you to recognize that there are other contributing factors and have asked you to make a few minor comprimises to acheive your ultimate goals, she is ALSO going to have to make a few comprimises. I wish there was a way you could get her on here so that we could talk to both of you, because you BOTH need the advice. Kudos to you for reaching out, though.

    I believe if you set your minds to it, you can find a way to help her get to where she wants to be. In fact, knowing that you are in the military moving around a lot ALSO adds a lot into this situation. She is looking for stability (and the ability to make close, long term friends--BIG BIG thing to a woman) that she is not getting, which could be bringing her down as well.

    Depression doesn't start out as recognizable in the beginning. In fact, on the outside, people seem to be happy in a lot of cases. By the time someone else recognizes it, it's already at a critical stage.

    But I'll bet you'll win some points if you were to see that she is depressed when she's been hiding it from you, trying to seem happy when she is not. Girls seem really funny about that. They don't WANT to tell you everything that is wrong. They want you to RECOGNIZE it, and to ask the right questions to get them to talk. Which is fucking insanely frustrating to us guys because we are straight shooters most of the time.

    See, the good thing about shifting your focus is not only is it going to help HER, it's going to help YOU too. You will be focusing on something besides her weight, so it will suddenly become, at least a little, less intense to you.

    But the big thing that is needed here is:

    Comprimise
    Patience
    Communication

    Stop thinking in terms of "ultimatum" and start thinking in terms of "challenge".

    BTW, if this were a girlfriend, my advice WOULD be to move on. But since you are married, you owe it to each other to give this every shot and every possible chance you can.

    But it takes two to tango. You BOTH have to want to fix these issues. You BOTH have to be willing to listen to each other and hear what the other is saying. You BOTH have to be willing to make some comprimises. And you BOTH need to challenge each other.
     
  13. CappyStyles

    CappyStyles New Member

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    I've considered this....she even knows what OT is / the general attitude...but I think she would be a little too focused / pissed at me looking for help by myself to take it all in. And from strangers. So. I reckon I'll try and take some of this advice in myself first before dragging her over to the comp.
     
  14. Turboegt

    Turboegt New Member

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    I hate to say this bro, but you should just get out. No ultimatum, no nothing.

    You entered this marriage under false pretenses, and are getting the short end of the stick.

    I'm with you, I can't touch a girl that's overweight. It's just gross to me. No offense ladies, its just something that irks me.

    Do yourself a favor and get out. She's only going to get bigger.
     
  15. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Hey, if you think it'd help her to talk to someone to get the other side of the story, PM me and I'll you my email address. :hs:
     
  16. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    First of all please Dont be like since you are fatter I dont love you anymore. Always assure her that you love her. I think her behavior is a bit odd , I dont know if I can have an explanation for this though. The thing is I think she liked to get thinner. But going to the gym is such a pain ..... sometimes! Why dont you suggest another activity which is more fun and easier to do first? like going for long walks or cycling. Something that maybe doesn't require a lot of efforts but also burns fat and somehow help you get in shape. If she sees the changes in herself and gets more motivation then she can go for next steps.
     
  17. GlassUser

    GlassUser send an email not a pm OT Supporter

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    You married too young. She hadn't figured out who she was as a person. She did after you got married. It's not going to be fun trying to change it.
     
  18. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    I would have thought you had stopped posting... Did you even bother to read ANY of what the poster has said? Obviously not because your post reflects it.

    He's stated he still loves her and tells her such, he just wants her to be healthier and all that. She has stated she wants to loose weight, but does nothing about it. He has suggested many, many things to get her to loose weight, walking being one of them.


    Maybe her seeing a therapist will help. Suggest that she might like someone else to talk to about her having to be on base and such. It might get her to be open about her feelings more. And make sure to let her know that going and seeing a therapist DOES NOT = bad, its just someone to lend an ear when you need it, and someone who will understand.
     
  19. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    I said it again cause I wanted him to be more careful about what he says to his wife. He didn't say he suggested very light exercises, so I brought it up.
    AND What is your problem with me? How much do you think you are a nice helpful person by humiliating other people? or maybe this is the only way you know to behave? I think this is a place for ppl to be friendly and helpful. I will contribute as much as I can and ignore negative ppl like you. If op hates my advice he will tell me and I don't need your permission to post! If you really can't stand me and have this bit of tolerance fine just ignore me and I will do the same for you, period.
     
  20. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Kind of like what you two are doing right now?

    :ugh2:

    You both should just chill out and focus on the issue at hand.
     
  21. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    WOW! ppl here are REALLY MEAN! good to know that now before subscription! maybe it is because the moderators let you guys to be so insulting! makes me feel like so many problems in your life make you want to yell and be mean at some place ananymously!
     
  22. CappyStyles

    CappyStyles New Member

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    I came back to thank everyone for the great fellowship and providing me alot of quality answers in a short amount of time. It's very encouraging.

    That said, I try and take something away from each reply, even if some of it has been mentioned before. I appriciate her trying to help at face value. I'd kinda prefer if we could not use my thread to re-hash whatever underlying issues you guys have with eachother.

    So again, thanks to everyone for taking the time to give all the great replys thus far. :bowdown:
     
  23. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    Good point - I wasnt trying to be mean, honest. I'll drop it after this reply...
    See above, I wasnt trying to be mean. Just b/c I was swearing doesnt mean I was being mean, they're just adjectives. I was only trying to help you to be a more productive member of our little subforum family here, I'm sorry you took it so badly. And you dont need to start with the insinuations, thats not nice - I really just was trying to help by pointing out that lookinglass had a point...
    Sorry for the disruption.

    I was meaning to ask...does she have any girl friends in town/on base? If not, could be a part of the 'depression' or sadness/unmotivatedness she's got. Friends usually make someone happier, and even if she was just say, walking around a mall shopping w/a friend that might help up her activity level.
    If so, maybe they could help you in this endeavor?
     
  24. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Why not just delete this post? None of us give a shit which of you gets the upper hand here and you've been incredibly disruptive to this thread.

    If you really need to argue that badly, PM each other.
     
  25. CappyStyles

    CappyStyles New Member

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    This is a good point. As it happens, she does not. It's been pretty hard over here with her not speaking German. I hope when we relocate next month she can get involved with some other decent girls. I think that would make her alot happier.
     

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