Friends vs. SO? I dunno....

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Elphaba, Apr 14, 2008.

  1. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    This was kinda spawned from the Chat thread and I'd like to see what everyone has to say about it. The issue is more about friends than my relationship/SO but I wanted to post it in here b/c one of the underlying issues is me being in a live-in LTR.

    I don’t get to see my friends as often as I’d like, especially my best friend but that’s not from lack of trying. The problem is that when she calls and wants to hang out 1) she never give me any notice or plan anything ahead 2) she’s usually going to a bar 3) it’s usually a week day.

    Like I said, I live with my SO. I have a new career and a pretty stable life. I have a fairly normal routine every day: work, home, dinner, gym, hang out/clean/relax, bed. I have to get up pretty early (6am) so obviously I need to get to bed kinda early so I’m not a zombie at work.

    Most of the time I have to say no when she wants hang out. A lot of time when this happens, she gets mad/irritated and for some reason it ALWAYS comes back to my SO and his “influence” in my life. The conversation usually goes something like this:

    Its 5:30pm on a weekday.....
    Friend: We’re going out to the bar later, you should come.
    Me: I can’t, Mr. McRicerton and I are going [to the grocery store/out to dinner/to the gym] tonight.
    Friend: Just tell him you can’t because you’re going out with us.
    Me: Well, he and I already made plans to [store/dinner/gym]
    Friend: So what, he’d be mad if you came out to see us? Does he not want you to go out?
    Me: Not at all, but he and I planned on doing this tonight. He doesn’t mind/care when I go out, that’s not it.
    Friend: Then what is it?
    Me: Well, I already had plans on what I was going to do tonight.
    --Pause, she sighs and gives up on that one----
    Friend: Come out after you [store/dinner/gym] then.
    Me: I would, but I could only stay for an hour or so though.
    Friend: Why?
    Me: Because by the time I got there it’d be 8 or so and to be home in time to shower and get in bed, I’d have to leave at 9 or 9:30 (I live about 30 min from her)
    Friend: That’s ridiculous, why do you have to be in bed so early?
    Me: Because I have to get up at 6.
    Friend: Ok, fine, bye.
    Me: Bye.

    How can she not get that I cant always just toss my plans to the side and go out whenever? I’ve tried to explain that if she gave me a little more notice that I could possibly hang out, but she never does and gets mad every time. No matter what reason I give for not being able to go out, she always thinks its b/c my SO “wont let me” or “would be mad” which is the farthest thing from the truth. What so wrong with wanting to stick to your plans? Am I being unreasonable here? Is there something I’m not seeing?
    Sorry that was so long, anyway, opinions/thoughts would be much appreciated.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2008
  2. yankeeschick14

    yankeeschick14 New Member

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    i had issues like this when i lived at home...trying to divide my time between my friends and my SO wasnt an easy task to keep everyone happy. Occasionally I just had to cancel plans with my bf to go out with my friends earlier, so I could still get up and go to work the next morning. I would go home and sleep with him after hanging out with them anyway, and he knew it was important for me to see my friends when I could because we're rarely able to get together. Also, maybe you can bring your SO out with your friends? then they can see that he doesnt care if you go out, and he is, in fact, a sane and normal guy. However, as your best friend, she really needs to get a clue. she should understand that you're at a different point in your life. maybe meet for lunch instead, or aim to go out on a saturday shopping or something.

    cliffs: you live with your SO, its easy to make plans with him. if they offer, try and meet those plans every once in a while to make everyone happy.
     
  3. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    would he be upset if you bailed on your plans with him to hang out with your friend? (provided that they're not big plans or anything, just an agreement to go to the gym or whatever)
     
  4. Ladybug

    Ladybug Guest

    I think I share the problems because living with my partner doesn't push me to seek my friends at logical times which prompts them to do the 'must catch up NOW' thing. When I'm single I'm an absolute party girl... more on the late afternoon until 11ish party side with coffee and cupcakes *am i really that boring* but still friends and fun.


    Does your friend have an SO? Maybe she's just really jealous and wants you all to herself or for it to be like 'the old days' because she doesn't have that special someone fulfilling her socially?
     
  5. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i totally understand your frustration. i too have had struggles with friends who still are able to go out to a bar late on a weds night when i just cant hang anymore. since i actually care about my job, i dont want to feel like shit from being hungover and no sleep the night before.

    when you have been friends with people for a long time, everyone is going to move into the next phase of life at a different time. you have obviously just moved onto this phase before she has. so she doesnt understand why getting 5 hours of sleep just isnt enough, etc.

    but like the others have said, you both gotta bend a little. when my friends call and want to hang out late and far away and i just cant, i always try and suggest another time that i am available. sometimes it just turns out that our schedules are completely opposite. when i suggest times that they are busy, they start to understand that we BOTH are too busy to hang out, not just me.
     
  6. razi

    razi New Member

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    i'd suggest that you do the friend scheduling. call her some time in advance and schedule something on a friday or saturday, when you can hang out longer and with enough advanced notice that the SO can work around it.

    eventually, that planning in advance and on the right day will sink in to your friend's head, but this is something that you will have to initiate.
     
  7. KindlyCuddly

    KindlyCuddly Irina Lazareanu

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    Your friends aren't going to remain your friends if you never get to see them and the older you get, the more difficult it's going to become to make new ones. I'd be more considerate of spending time with them and try to see where they're coming from.
     
  8. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    Wow guys, thanks for the replies...its nice to know that some other ladies (hell, anyone) has these same issues. I really think I needed some perspective...Anywhoo, I'll try to keep these responses quick
    He doesnt really do the bar scene, but he does hang out with my friends occasionally - at least enough where I think they'd know he's not some overbearing prick, I hope.
    No, he wouldnt be upset at all, he's really understanding about this stuff. I dont really think of it as a friend vs. SO thing - its more of a MY plans thing. I had plans on doing whatever with my SO, and I'd like to keep them. The thing is, I dont think she'd get as upset if I had plans w/ someone besides my SO. Like if I said I couldnt do something b/c I was hanging out w/ another friend, I feel like she'd take it better. That and its just common curtisy, no? I make plans w/someone, I keep them....
    See, this is what gets me about the whole issue. Its NOT just "trivial" stuff to me. For example, if he and I had plans on going to the grocery store one night, we probably planned on that because we need to go to the store that night for a good reason (out of food, need something specific, etc) and its the night that fits into both our schedules. If I were to drop this "trivial" thing, I'd have to rework A LOT in my schedule to find another time to do it plus I'd be out whatever I needed at the store and have to rearrange THAT too.
    Nope, she's happily single and has been for some time. She's really not 'into' the whole relationship thing...she doesnt have time for a SO (she's getting her masters and her Phd at the same time) and doesnt really think about it alot, so I dont think its this...
    She and I have made plans to go to lunch at least 8 times since I started my new job in Dec b/c my job is SUPER close to where she lives. We've only actually been to lunch twice. Most of the time, she calls at the very last minute to cancel or 'forgets'. I'm starting to get sick of trying to make plans with her, but she says lunches dont work for her b/c of the way her classes/work goes, so I'm at such a loss.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2008
  9. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    just an observation, but first you refer to it as a routine, then you refer to it as plans.


    it's ok to break standing routine. go out, live a little. one sleepy day at work isn't going to be the end of it all. if you really want to see more of them, you would stop making excuses.
     
  10. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    I completely understand what you're saying. I was merely pointing that out because in her frustration, THAT'S probably how she's seeing the situation [like I said, I've been there before]. But again, the grocery store plans [I know we're just using this for an example, and it's not the actual issue here :o] - I understand you had plans and needs, but really... it's the grocery store and you live with your BF. He's completely capable of going without you. You can make a grocery list and tell him specific items you'd like. It really sounds like you're making excuses.

    And, I understand your friends live far away/you don't wanna 'go out,' but even if you could only come by for an hour/don't wanna drink, I'm sure it would mean a LOT to them to show the effort of stopping by for a drink [even if you just get soda or something] and saying hi for an hour. I, again, have to do this with my friends a lot.

    With all due respect, it sounds like you are putting very little effort into these friendships on your part :o Even if you don't feel like going out, that's still your friends way of trying to see you and show an effort in your friendship. You can stop by for an hour and say hi. You can call her up and ask her to grab dinner with you on friday after work a couple days in advance. Friendships are work, and there is a time and place that you have to sometimes do things that you don't entirely want to do in order to make your "friends" feel appreciated, wanted, etc. - or eventually, they may not be there at the end of the day.

    Again, how often do you ask her to hang out? Do something with you? Make plans that don't involve going out on a weeknight [i.e. weekend lunch plans or something...]?

    I definitely agree with kindlycuddly on this one.



    That is why you need to communicate more with her, and YOU need to make the effort to hang out with her - so you can do it on your own terms/times that work for you.
     
  11. Hunt

    Hunt Active Member

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    was going to post this :h5:
     
  12. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    she's a selfish bitch for trying to manipulate you like that
     
  13. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    You're a busy, mature adult. You don't really have the option of just up and going anywhere whenever. Tell her this. Say "Hey, I would love to hang out with you, but my busy schedule doesn't allow for much spontaneity. If you'd like to do something, let's set up a date and time to do so".
     
  14. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    then you both are trying, thats all you can do.

    it took some time, but my friends and i have learned that we dont have to see each other every week to still be good friends. we talk and see each other when we can and just pick up where we last left off. i moved about an hour away from my high school/college gf's to live near with my SO, and they were pissed at first. once they realized that we still could be friends, its worked out fine.
     
  15. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    did you ask your boyfriend if you could post this? he might be mad.

    ;-p
     
  16. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    I'm one of those people that likes to "plan ahead"... too much to do in too little time. Tell her that you'll make more of an effort to be spontaneous if she'll make more of an effort to plan ahead.
     
  17. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Doesn't sound like your conversation included you 'explaining' to her that you are more than happy to come out with her, but in respect to your life-style and schedule she needs to notify you ahead of time, preferably a day or two, so you can make plans with her!
     
  18. Ladybug

    Ladybug Guest

    I'd interpret her being single and probably stressed from study as even more of a reason for her to want to randomly hang out, as company and a distraction from other things, do you see that too or is it just me?

    If she has a go at you for not being able to see her again, you might want to bring that up in your defence. If she that desperately wants to see you in priority over your SO the least she could do it keep plans, right?
     

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