LGBT Friend's identity crisis: Need some advice

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by Eek, Oct 5, 2004.

  1. Eek

    Eek Guest

    I have a great friend (online only) that I've known for years and last week he told me that he wants to change his sex.

    Now, I consider myself to be a pretty open person especially when it comes to sexuality. On a personal level, I'm bisexual and I have quite a few friends IRL and online that come from all different areas gay trans, etc, however this is the first time someone I know has changed like this 'before my eyes' if you will.... and, for some reason.. when he asks me to refer to him as 'she' I just.. cant.

    It kinda freaks me out, and my mind can't let it go that this person is male.

    Any comments or suggestions?
     
  2. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    Wow...

    Well, the only thing I can say is that if you are truly her friend, you need to support her.

    If you can't support her, than you should wish her the best of luck, tell her you can't deal with it, and sever the friendship
     
  3. Eek

    Eek Guest

    That seems so cut and dry, theres gotta be something I can do. Refuse to play the pronoun game? He was so excited to come out to me about it that I feel it would break his (her!) heart to say it made me uncomfortable. I dunno, Id like to salvage the friendship.

    I guess I didnt realize how *not* open minded i was after all :(
     
  4. CrackSeed

    CrackSeed OT Supporter

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    Give it some time...you'll get there.

    She has obviously been dealing with these feelings for quite a while. She has had time to become more comfortable with the situation...now you need time to do the same.
     
  5. Filmboy44

    Filmboy44 Guest

    I dont see what the problem is...would you have a problem with calling someone you knew for that long, calling them Doctor after they got their PhD?
     
  6. Eek

    Eek Guest

    I dont see how that is at all similar, a PhD is something earned not a sudden drastic change to one's identity. It's not like someone goes from high school grad to a psycologist over night.. tho some do seem like they have :eek3:

    Anyway, Crack summed it up quite well, I appreciate it. I think this was just meant as a wake up call to me to make sure my priorities are in check... I'd hate to lose a friend just because I'm stuck in the past and unable to accept change.
     
  7. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    Oh, can I relate... My best and longest friend, who I've known as 'Chris' since 3rd grade, gave me some similar news my first year of college.

    Imagine my shock when I get a call from the Information Desk at the campus center of my college, saying that Crissy, my sister, was there to see me. And since they cannot release housing information, they wanted me to come meet her. I was lil confused, because I didn't have a sister named Crissy :eek3:...

    So I trotted down the path (yea, we had 'paths' (SMCM SHOUT OUT, Taylor!!!)), and arrived and got the shock of my life. My play brother-- who dated my very first bi/fag hag, who I'd tag-teamed a girl with in high school, and who no one suspected was least bit queer (except for one 4th grade indicator; see below) --was now almost complete her transition process. She was scheduled to have her surgery. And, SHE WAS HOT! When I arrived, this third year was flirting with her. She took his number, and politely told him that she was there to see me, and walked away.

    We talked for hours. She explained to me that she had officially changed her name, that she was dating a man and was a performer. She also told me that the man she was dating had offered to pay half of her surgery, and that her performing had financed the other half of the surgery. She also told me that her parents had disowned her, and that I was the only family that she had left. The pain of those words affected me greatly.

    I had never had to deal with trans issues. And sadly, prior to Crissy, I admit that I had prejudices against them (based on my youthful belief that they made it bad for gay people, confirming for mainstream society that we all just wanted to be women (hey, I was young and ignorant)). Since, I've learned more, and now understand the many nuances to the trans community.

    Eek, I hope that you can be there for her. Trans people have it the worst out of all of the queer community. I think that you need to seriously examine why you feel the way that you do, and talk to her about it. But ultimately, if you find that you cannot deal with it, then you need to cut yourself out of her life. She will need no more negativity and drama in her life...
     
  8. marxwa99

    marxwa99 Boom Squad

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    i remember a post on this issue before. Genderdysphoria is something that does exist and as much as people dont realize it, it is there.

    I interned for a film company that did a doc. on FTM and MTF surgery and it was an incredible experience for me because it opened my eyes. For your friend to decide to change sex, it will not be an overnight thing. It's a long, arduous process.

    First off, she (and you will have to start learning to call her a she even though you might have known her as a male prior) must go through two years of therapy with a psychiatrist. At this point, she can start taking estrogen to lead to the development of more feminine like qualities (higher pitched voice, etc.). She must also completely live her life as a woman for the next year.

    Then, if she ever wants to consider any type of surgery, she also has to have a second psychiatrist analyze her and see if she truly does suffer from genderdysphoria, that is believes she is a woman trapped in a man's body.

    The thing with sex change surgery is that it is very expensive and most americans end up goin north of the border where it is cheaper. A plastic surgeon in Texas has invented a new process that seems to work well for FTM called the Centurian in which the round ligaments around the vaginal area are used to create a phallus that is able to have an erection and can allow the new man to pee standing up. Sorry this is all very random but memories pop up here and there as im typing this. It's been almost two years! Back to my main point, due to the costs, many individuals never actually finish off the whole transformation. Some are content with doin the first stage, the hormones. Others go for the top surgery (breasts or elimination of the breasts), and then some finally finish off years later after saving up and change whats below the belt. I had to log all the surgery footage. If you really want to know how a woman becomes a man, i can post that another time.

    Trust me, someone who endures genderdsyphoria just does not wake up one day and decide to change sex. it is a lifelong process. I listened to many interviews about women who would beat their breasts in until they were bleeding when they were 13 because they were utterly shocked and scared to have boobs growing when they felt they shouldnt be.

    The actual commitment to a sex change is a very long process and this is an important stage of a genderdysphoric individual's life. They need as much support as they can receive from their doctors, psychiatrists, strangers, and most importantly, family and friends.

    My recommendation is to suck it up and accept her as a "she." She will understand as well that this will be just as much as a trial period for her friends and family as much as it is for her.

    I don't have any experience personally with the genderdysphoric but i assure you that all it take is time and you will get through :)

    I know this post is a bit here and there, off and on, but hopefully you might be able to get something out of it :)

    Good luck either way!

    EDIT: In regards to Coco's post as well, the trans pop. does indeed face a lot of stigma within the gay pop. A lot of the FTM individuals said prior to the surgery, they were able to connect with the lesbian population, but as the transformation progressed, they felt as if they were losing this touch. Thus, not only did they become pariahs to what could be considered mainstream society, but also that of teh gay community. Some MTFs even have said that they become outsiders to the drag scene even after their transformation!
     
  9. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    FTM trans people are almost never accepted into the lesbian community... AND in the feminist community. As a male feminist, I've experienced being not included in several activities (consciences raising sessions, and feminist meets), and right along with me where the trans women. It was also a theme in several movies, like the memorable song in 'Better Than Chocolate', "I'm Not A Fucking Drag Queen" :hs:.

    It sucks, but after they have the operation, non-trans members of the queer community look at those individuals as 'sell outs' and such because they have chosen to 'mutilate' their bodies to fit social norms. Clearly, they have no understanding of the trans community. Much like I was, they are simply ignorant. The only problem with them, is that they are choosingly so.
     
  10. coma

    coma New Member

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    Wait a minute, if your relationship with him is "on line only" then you've never actually met?
     
  11. Mi[G]hTy

    Mi[G]hTy New Member

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    Exactly what i was thinking.....As much as you think you know someone on-line you probably don;t know them as well as you think (funny wording :s)
     
  12. Eek

    Eek Guest

    Thats another good point, and is really the key reason why I dont understand why I cant just accept this change. Maybe it's because we've had relations before? She was very much my emotional partner for a lot of years helping me through rough times etc. However now I feel like we can't talk about the same things.. she says things like, 'oh this eyeshadow looks fantastic." or something like that and i just end up feeling kinda creeped out.

    You all have hit it on the head.. if I want the friendship I have to just accept it. Hopefully time can help with that.
     
  13. marxwa99

    marxwa99 Boom Squad

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    yeah its too bad. Someone on here said it best, "So much for acceptance." I says to want acceptance, you have to give it first. :)
     

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