SRS friend is 21 and wants to get married

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by peoplescar, Jun 28, 2006.

  1. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    his GF is 20, he's 21, they've been together for 7 months and they're in love.... but i've been with my GF for 3 years and def am not thinking about marriage yet. my GF and i have been through hard times, he hasn't...

    How is it possible to tell my best friend that this is a bad decision?
     
  2. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    It will result in your friendship being ended.

    Just because they dont have the relationship YOU think they should have before marriage, doesnt mean they arent ready for it.

    I think its sad that as a friend you are looking to portray the negatives instead of look for the positives. Is your friend truly happy? Is he with someone he gets along with? Is he an adult that can make his own decisions?

    Stop trying to be his parent, and be his friend. Honestly it sounds like jealousy on your part. Especially since you mention things with you and your g/f of 3 years. You dont have to date a certain amount of time to be allowed to marry. Obviously they have something your relationship is lacking, and sadly you seem to be letting that get to you.

    Hard times are different to each couple too. My wife and I had been through many many tough decisions and hard times that will affect our whole lives, but not a single other person knows about those decsions but us. Just because you dont know that they havent been through shit, doesnt mean they havent.

    So what is really the problem here? Are scared you are gonna lose a friend? Are you scared about your own relationship and the lack of committment? Do you see something in your friends relationship that you are missing in yours? Something is wrong here...but it isnt with your friend. :hsugh:
     
  3. ElectricJW

    ElectricJW We are all ONE!

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    I think getting married @ that young of an age, w/ only being together for 7 months would normally be a bad decision for most people......however this may not be the case for your friend.

    I think you should talk to your friend and just ask him if he truly thinks they are ready for a life long commitment together. But don't push the subject if he gets offended by it. Just say that a lot of people get married too young then end up getting divorced later on in life.

    Also, have they even lived together? If not, they should atleast try living together for a while to see if they can really handle it. But ultimitly, its your friend's decision, so whatever it is, you should still support him, since you are his friend.
     
  4. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    Wow, I'm going out on a limb and disagreeing. I think getting married at 21 after knowing someone for 7 months would be a horrible decision. One of the ways to tell if a relationship will work is by asking the guy's friends. Seems at least one (you) is saying there's something not quite right...whether it's age, timing, she's a bitch, he's immature, neither has an education...whatever.

    I hate to stereotype this but has he had many girlfriends? Did he continue his education after high school (not necessarily college, maybe a trade program)? I'm guessing no to both.

    Marriage is hard enough for real adults... a 21 and 20 year old barely stand a chance.
     
  5. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    Steroetype? I didnt even know there was a stereotype for this sort of thing.

    "real adults"? What does that mean? As an adult, age really plays a small part in maturity. There are some people that are very mature at a young age and more ready than any "real adult" for marriage. The only people I hear say anything about age being a factor, are people who had failed relationships and think their failures apply to everyone else.

    I know it makes no difference, but I know more successful relationships that started with a marriage at a young age, than success when marriage occurred in the later years 30+. I am sure statistically it can be shown that younger relationships fail, but that doesnt mean ALL of them do.

    Have the two lived together before? I will say that living together before marriage, especially after only 7 months of dating, would be a good thing. You can only know someone so much without actually living with them.
     
  6. Colonel Panic

    Colonel Panic New Member

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    Little, if any, of life as they now know it will be left ten years from now.

    How they adapt and grow TOGETHER with the constant changes in life is anyones guess.

    People tend to grow apart without ever realizing it until it's too late.

    With age comes a heightened sense of the variables that become part of the equation.
     
  7. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    It probably is a bad decision but it's his decision. If you tell him, use a lot of tact and don't be pushy.
     
  8. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    i'm just saying that their relationshi is still in the lovey dovey stage... they haven't had rough times yet.... my gf and i have, but have gotten through it and it made us stranger in the end...

    I'm not jealous at all becaue my relationship is perfect, i just think that he needs to examine what he's doing... but i'm not going to say anything to him, i just don't want what they have right now to end because they were moving to quickly...
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You say exactly that...gently.....

    Take him aside privately, not a big public confrontation, and definitely NOT with his gf around.



    Just say, "dude, I'm your best friend and I would hate for this thing to go bad on you because you got married too soon. Are you sure it's the right thing?"

    If he says "yes" then DROP IT. This is his life to live, and his right to make his choices.

    If he says "no" or "maybe" then he is providing an opportunity to talk about it.
    Listen to what he has to say, REALLY LISTEN. Let him say his piece.



    Do NOT start lecturing him or dumping your personal opinions or your personal circumstances on him.

    Let him feel comfortable opening up, and just listen. If he has doubts or misgivings, let them pour out. Don't start adding your own prejudices into the mix.


    That's it. That's all you have to do. And that's all you CAN do. Just listen.
     
  10. kackel champion

    kackel champion faces always are changing lies and disguise for th

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    one of my best friends (male) is getting married in a month and a half. he and his girl have been together 3+ years, known each other for 5-6, and are absolutely great for each other...he's 23, she's 22?

    to me? best thing they ever did.

    female that used to be my best friend got knocked up a month out of high school (18), then felt getting married was the right thing to do. knew him for 4 months, dated for 2 before she got pregnant. together less than a year before marriage. she had 2 affairs and spent most of her time at the bar before and after divorce?

    right move? no.

    depends on the sitch. if you feel like sticking your neck out because you think it's worth it, that's on you man. if it's worth losing your boy over, then i guess you guys weren't as tight as you thought.
     
  11. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    I still think you have a personal problem with this. Ive been with my now wife for years, and we are still in that lovey dovey stage. Real relationships dont ever stray from that lovey dovey phase, no matter the rough times. Like I said, just because you dont see that they have had rough times, doesnt mean they havent. It doesnt make you stronger if you arent as in love afterwards. Also, judging the relationships of friends, based on your own, isnt very logical. Different people work differently. Why are you comparing the two relationships? Once again, is it because you think something is wrong with theirs and you feel the need to judge them, or is it because they have something you have lost in your relationship and this bothers you?
     
  12. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    My uncle told me the same thing as I was making my own wedding decisions. His first marriage was to someone he had dated for years before they got married...and it turned out bad.

    Whereas his 2nd marriage was to a lady he had only met 2 weeks prior...and it's been going strong for years now.

    You can't predict how these relationships go based on age and the time they knew each other. I think what Johan said is the best bet...just pull him aside and just talk about it as a concerned friend, and then if he says he's sure about it, support him in that decision.

    Life is too short for regret or hesitation.
     
  13. Broken5hift

    Broken5hift New Member

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    usually its best to let people come to their own decisions about love and relationships. no ones gonna listen to someone elses opinions when its comes to something as emotional as that
     
  14. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    i guess you can just say that every situation is different... you really never can tell... and my GF and I are in the lovey dovey stage still even though we've had fights... we are together all the time and love it, but that doesn't mean that i have to get married now.. i'll just let him do what he thinks is right and not try to be a bad friend...
     
  15. McFly

    McFly New Member

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    I agree with this man almost every time. I know a girl who is 22, she has been with a guy 3 months and they are getting married. She even told me that I am probably thinking it is way too soon and she is crazy etc. I told her well yah! duh. I just told her to really think about her decision. But being a girl, they don't really think about the big picture. I still felt bad and ended up writing her a letter. She sent me a quick response thanking me for the nice letter. I can only hope it makes her think twice because they guy is a real loser and she is very successful and deserves better.
     
  16. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I agree...this is a bad situation.....for YOU.

    There are people that have been married for more than 20 years that got married within months of meeting. Honestly, noone can say what is right and what is wrong for your friend. He must determine that for himself.

    I would mention (NOT HARP, RAG, OR PREACH) you concerns to him but if he still feels strongly about it, let it go and embrace their union. You never know, they might beat the odds and surprise everyone....however, there is NO WAY to know that now. You "think" you know, but you don't...neither do I....neither does anyone.
     
  17. happyrobots

    happyrobots Ü

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    I think this is great advice. You don't know how he and his GF spend their time together alone, what the tone of the conversation is like, how they work through disagreements, and so much more. Sure you may know a lot about the relationship, but you don't have the feelings.

    IMO, the best thing for you to do it to talk to your friend about it. Make sure it is the best thing for him, be happy for him, LISTEN and respond appropriately. Let him do most of the talking, but you should be their to make sure it's what he wants and whats best for him.
     
  18. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    2 of my guy friends did it in less time than your friend
    1 friend had been dating for about 6 mos, but known the girl most of his life and dated got engaged for a week and eloped. They are still together its been about 2.5 years. Ages 19 and 18 I think

    The other knew the girl for less than 8 months, dated her for about 4 of the those months skipped engagement and eloped, its been about 1.5 yrs for them and are still together. Ages 20 and 18

    I still think they are both crazy asses for getting married to quickly but its what they have chosen for their lives. One couple still lives with her parents and dont have a dime to their name and he almost flunked out of college, she never went. The other is doing a smidge better than the other but also got way in over his head and both are still in college. I still to this day think it was more of a business deal than a love affair that got one of the couples to marry becuase it would help their financial aid status with the school.


    If your friend asks you what you think gently tell him to rethink himself. But dont be an ass about it. In the end it is his decision not yours.
     
  19. multiplexor

    multiplexor Intellectual

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    it's honestly a bad descision... they should wait roughly 3-6 years...

    At the 5 year mark you start REALLY seeing what the other person is like...
    7 months is still infatuation...

    want me to email him? ;-)
     
  20. Broken5hift

    Broken5hift New Member

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    lmao INTERVENTION!
     
  21. IdahoSHO

    IdahoSHO New Member

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    Ill agree with that!

    My wife and I (married 2 years now) waited nearly 7 years to get hitched.

    And Im glad we waited. Looking back on the relationship, I can now see an interesting sequence of events that I was unaware of at the time they were happening.

    This might get long.... :noes:

    For the first year or so, we were simply infatuated with each other. Couldnt get enough of each other physically.

    From there we started to "fall" in love with eachother, and started to think and discuss occasionally how things might work out down the road. The crazy crawling all over eachother and tearing of clothes become cuddling.

    The "down the road" was a long distance relationship as we both went different ways for 2 years to finish grad schooling.

    It was VERY tough. But we remained in contact, and visited eachother every 2 weeks or so.

    The weekly phone calls, since being apart, introduced yet another phase.

    Friendship. True, deep, emotional friendship. Nothing was left out of discussions. Heck, we even talked about our flirting with others. But we remained true.

    After school was done with, we both relocated together, and we tossed ourselves into an entirely new experience. Living together.

    As anyone will tell you, this is a WHOLE NEW BALLGAME folks. We both adjusted and modified our ways to make things work. And it did.


    So what do we have now?

    1. infatuation
    2. "love"
    3. Friendship

    What else is there???

    Ill tell you.

    After living together for 3 years, we finally decided to get married. We both took a month and a half off of work, drove cross-country for a pre-wedding honeymoon, then returned to our home town for the wedding.

    We fell in love again, as best friends and lovers, we couldnt be happier.
     
  22. illmaceyougood

    illmaceyougood New Member

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    Of course you should tell him your opinion. He's your friend!
     
  23. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

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    I think you should let him make his own decision. He could be extremely happy with her, and have been through rough times. I doubt you've seen EVERYTHING that has happened in their relationship.

    My boyfriends parents knew each other for 4 weeks before they were married (his dad was 21, his mom 24), and 22 years later they are as happy as they were on their wedding day. My parents were together 8 years before they got married, and 22 years later they barely have much of a relationship anymore. So being together for a certain amount of time before marriage doesnt always mean a thing.


    Be happy for your friend, especially if he's this happy. Talk to him about how you feel, but dont act negative to him about his decision. Let him tell you why this feels right to him, and support him.
     
  24. kakariko

    kakariko Purple Member OT Supporter

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    2 of my friends got married at 20.. i'm now 23 and both of them are already divorced
     
  25. LiQuiD_FuSioN

    LiQuiD_FuSioN New Member

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    Excuse me, but this isn't about blasting the thread-creator. If anything we should be trying to help him and be his shoulder to lean on. Maybe you have a problem with his viewpoint? I assume you were married at a tender age yourself and you automatically remain on the defensive to matters like this. If not, it doesn't matter. I saw all your posts and they were filled with negativity. In other words, Get OFF it already, Jesus!!! :mamoru:

    Anyway, if two people really love each other.. I see no reason why anyone shouldn't get married, no matter what legal age. If they've been together for awhile, and they're assured that it will last.. then go for it. The trouble is when people are determined to get something done, they tend to not listen to other people's advice. Especially at a young age where people think they know it all and let 'innocent' puppy love cloud their minds. Being a man of 20 years old right now, I believe it's a bit ridiculous to get married at such an early age. There are still atleast 5 or so years of new experiences in me before settling down. I haven't even tipped the iceberg in life yet!
     

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