SRS Found out girl I'm dating is currently living with her ex...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Bleed, Jun 24, 2005.

  1. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    I've been dating this girl for about a month and a half now. Everything is going good. We spent the last couple nights hanging out and we pretty much text each other all day on our cell phones. So when we first started going out, we went to the movies. The theater is literally 3 blocks from her place so I just said I'll swing by and pick her up. She insists we just meet at the movies. I think no big deal and go. Two nights ago, she calls me and I tell her I'm on my way out and I'll just stop by her apartment since I'm already in my car. She tells me "her and her roommate have a no brining over the opposite sex policy in their apartment" so that I can't come over. Ok, so I figure her roommate is a convervative bible thumper. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I try to ask her why, but she won't tell me. So I drop it. She ends up coming over to my place later and we hang out. Last night she calls me and says I need to go get a drink, I hate my roommate and my living situation. I tell her since she's drinking I don't want her to drive and I'll go pick her up. She tells me she'll meet me at my place. So now I'm just like what......the.......f.......is......going........on.........here?!?! I don't bring it up all night. Fast forward to the end of the night I finally ask her why I'm not allowed at her place. She hesitantly tells me she doesnt want to tell me because she knows I don't like drama and I don't put up with it. Touche, at least she knows me well enough to know that. Then tells me she is living with her ex-boyfriend.

    I......just.......don't......know........what..........to........say.........to.........that..........

    Now, personally, I feel this is walking into a world of bad. My gut is telling me to run, delete her number, and move on to someone else. I'm trying to look at this rationally (which is why i posted here since the asylum provides unbiased opinions) and i see in no possible way this being a situation i want to be in. what i dont get is why she still lives there in an uncomfortable situation. anyway, is this a situation i need to just walk away from now, or am i overreacting here and should take a different approach? i really don't know what to do...
     
  2. AstroGirl

    AstroGirl If I don't respond it's because I have severe ADD

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    Her mosa? ITS MY MOSA!!!
    Well maybe you should talk to her about it more. Maybe she is stuck in a lease with him. See if they had a bad break up, and how long ago did they break up? You are sure they are not still dating right?? POSITIVE??

    But if they are friends living together and dated back in the day that would still constitute him as an ex, but cause no threat. But I would still say if they are "friends" there should be no problem with you going over there.

    If it was a recent break up and they are stuck in a lease, but she is planning on moving out, shitty situation but if you like the girl stick around it is only temporary.

    And if they are still together and she is seeing you behind his back... :run:
     
  3. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    They can't be dating, as I've spent the last 3-4 nights with her. If they are, damn, that's some major 2 timing skill she has. Plus she invites me everywhere her friends are so i dont think she'd be that dumb.

    I think I remember asking her why she was still living there and she said something like, i don't want to just leave him in the dust without a roommate and i said, well if he's an ex, why is that your problem? and she answered something, but at that point i already tuned her out. i think she said she was on the lease or something.

    its weird that they have this rule of not bringing people over. so he doesnt like seeing her with other guys. the rule works both ways as she doesnt like seeing him with other girls - or there's no reason for her to agree to the rule. either way its really fucked up. i'll probably just talk to her tonight and lay it out on the table and make my decision then.
     
  4. AstroGirl

    AstroGirl If I don't respond it's because I have severe ADD

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    Her mosa? ITS MY MOSA!!!
    Yeah, I would talk to her about it before you make up your mind though. You know the saying to assume... makes an ass out of you and me... lol, thanks mom :)

    But make sure everything is straight, ask her how she would feel if you guys went out on a double date, if she squirms then get out of it. There are plenty of women out there. There is no need to date one with emotional baggage, and it never works out in the end.

    Don't mean to be too pessimistic, but I F'in hate it when girls rebound. Makes my skin crawl.
     
  5. Gaylord Focker

    Gaylord Focker 8=oOOo=D ~ ~ ~

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    maybe they broke up on good terms and are still able to share living space. if that's the case i can understand why they would have the no bringing people over rule, that would just be awkward for everyone. plus if she's locked into a lease it's not that easy to get out of and neither of them can probably afford to cover the entire rent by themselves. if she really seems into you i wouldn't worry about it too much, it's probably not a permanent arrangement.
     
  6. Dr. Funk

    Dr. Funk OT Supporter

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    Yeah, that's pretty messed up.

    I would again, sit down with her and ask her very clearly why she is still living with him. If she gives you a bullshit reason that would be my note to head for the door.
     
  7. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    lol yeah. i'm going to talk with her. i think i'll just let her call me first to hang out and then tell her we need to have a talk when we're face to face. she better have a damn good reason and be damn convincing.
     
  8. Dr. Funk

    Dr. Funk OT Supporter

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    Right on brother. Good luck.
     
  9. sipherx

    sipherx Jamesl.info

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    Idk man, I understand she was weary about telling you because obviously anyone would be upset. But she lied thats your first clue, she lied about something. If she indeed wanted your trust and wanted to trust you then she made a bad mistake. IF it were me id be out of there, but thats just me. Keep US posted.
     
  10. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    yeah i get the feeling there's more to this story than i think...

    i'll follow up with an update when i get things figured out.
     
  11. Dr. Funk

    Dr. Funk OT Supporter

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    Well, lying may not be a great indicator in this place.

    For example, I like younger girls. I'm 32 but will often tell girls I'm 28 so I don't scare them off. I think it depends on how big it is in HER mind. For me, lying about my age initially isn't that big a thing.

    If she has a REALLY good reason for living with her ex, maybe she just lied about it for the same reason I do/did. Find out for yourself before you decide. But remember, if it sounds like a bullshit excuse then call her on it (ie. "I havent' had time to look for another place" - yeah right).
     
  12. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    so she's lying to not scare me off? that's not very good reasoning.

    if she told me from the start, "hey the reason you cant come over is i'm still live with my ex. we are totally done, but he's still upset with it. i'd invite you over but it's also his apartment so i want to be courteous and atleast make him feel comfortable where he lives."

    now if she said that, i'd at least know that she's being upfront and has nothing to hide. now i get the feeling there's more to the story than what she told me.

    but i guess i also have to respect the fact that she's going to tell me when she feels comfortable telling me.
     
  13. AstroGirl

    AstroGirl If I don't respond it's because I have severe ADD

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    Her mosa? ITS MY MOSA!!!
    In her defense... she didn't reall lie persay. She just evaded the truth ;)
     
  14. Dr. Funk

    Dr. Funk OT Supporter

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    There might be more to the story. That's very likely.

    But put yourself in her shoes. What if you broke up with you live-in GF and you guys decided to ride out the lease together. You meet this nice girl but you don't want to scare her off. You figure if she gets to know you before you tell her about your ex she might be willing to support you and stick it out.
     
  15. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    I don't know. I'm the type of person that would move out as soon as we broke up. :o
     
  16. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    When she calls you on the phone, I wouldn't tell her that you guys need to have a talk at that moment. I would bring it up when you are face to face, that way if she truly has something to hide, she won't have time to think about how to lie to you.
     
  17. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    true.dat

    i will lure her into my tarp :bowdown:


    i dont think she has anythign to hide. more or less i get the feeling she's been trying to find the right way to tell me. it just came out in a drunken mess last night. i dont know, i'll get down to the bottom of it this weekend.
     
  18. Run, seriously. I'm not joking, run. That is my advice. When someone keeps information like that private -- even with good intention -- it's a sign to run. What else will they keep secret in order to "protect" you? That's manipulation of the highest caliber, and incredibly flawed reasoning. Even worse, look at how it feels when someone puts you in that position by claiming they're protecting you when in reality all they've done is dissolve trust and create tension in you between your "reasoning" and your gut instinct. Trust your gut, reason is subject to rationalization and you're far from objective here.

    Don't be fooled -- run. What use is there in talking something out when regardless of the outcome of the conversation you still feel deeply disturbed by what's already taken place? Don't let anyone convince you that your gut instinct is wrong, and don't fool yourself. You can't rationalize away your intuition. What she did was wrong, period. Run.
     
  19. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    AAH, so THAT's how we get them these days........ *run to HomeDepot*
     
  20. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    mmmmmm... this could go either way... i'd say insist on meeting her ex and having a face to face, see what he says about the deal... (surprise this on her) see if their stories match up
     
  21. The Mighty Megatron

    The Mighty Megatron Secondborn of the best drummer known to man

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    This is based on reading the first post, as I don't have a whole lot of time right now. I'd say grab your shit and go. Sure, she can come up with an explanation, but can you be sure that it's an explanation or an excuse? And do you wanna take that risk? Never second guess yourself, my man, that's one thing life has taught me. If your gut says "This", don't even take the time to think "that", just grab your shit and go.
     
  22. johan

    johan Active Member

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    And we have a WINNAH! Seriously, just follow this.^^
    It pretty much sums it all up.

    My own personal take on it, is that there is a small, VERY small chance that she's not deceitful, just weak-willed.

    Too weak-willed to find a place of her own, too weak-willed to get a job (or a better job) so there may be $$ issues preventing her from moving out, and too weak-willed to come clean about the living arrangements.

    You can cling to this belief and try and ride it out in hopes that it will get better, but I've a feeling that MB has probably got the skinny on this one.

    Anyways, she wouldn't move out FOR you.

    IF She moves out...it'd be because the EX forced it. Maybe once you start slipping her the bone regularly, the ex might toss her out.

    Or if he's not really the "ex", you instantly become the guy she's cheating with, and he would feel TOTALLY justified in visiting you and putting a pipe across your teeth.

    So, yeah, we're back to: follow MB's advice.
     
  23. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    Thanks for the advice guys. I went drinking with a really good friend last night and he suggested the same thing. Her number is deleted from my phone. :o
     
  24. aballas

    aballas New Member

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    I don't think I would run....this actually happened to me, with my current fiancee.

    I was the reason she broke up with her b/f at the time, but she still had to live with him for another 4 months because neither of them could afford to move out or get out of their lease.... It REALLY FUCKING SUCKED while it was happening, and made seeing her really difficult, but if you really care about her and think you can trust her there with him by all means don't throw it away.

    If I had run I would have lost my soul mate...
     
  25. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    I don't know dude. She's coming over later today to pick up some stuff she "conveniently" left in my car. Anyway, I guess I'll talk to her about it then. I mean I really like spending time with her, but if I'm also not going to let myself get strung along for the ride. If I get any feeling she is keeping something back from me, I will walk away clean then and there. But her number is still deleted until she can convince me otherwise.
     

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