SRS forgive and forget?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by onslaught61, Mar 28, 2007.

  1. onslaught61

    onslaught61 OT Supporter

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    Is there such a thing? If our SO's hurt us, cheated on us, or did anything of that sort, can we really forgive them? What does it mean to forgive?
    I wanted to believe I can forgive her for cheating and finally leaving me, but when I think back to the moment, it hurts again, or at least the memories make me sad. I have moved on with my life, doing my own things again and the typical stuff, and when I'm in the process of doing so I'm happy because I don't think about the past. But when I do, it still sucks. What does that mean? I know I'm not completely over her, but what will it be like when I am? Will I be able to joke about the past, look at it in a positive light? Will it ever be possible to smile upon those experiences? Many people think they are over someone, but when they see them again, everything changes, the feelings come back, the anger, the sadness, everything.

    Who believes they can truly forgive someone they loved? Can we really forget either? Do the statements only make sense when they are put together? Like my friend said, he forgave his ex but will never forget. But by not forgetting, what does that mean? Isn't the inability to forget consequently the same as not forgiving?

    I guess the bottomline of what I'm asking is whether each one of you can forgive and forget, or one or the other, or neither. If you believe it is possible to forgive/forget, what do you define the two terms as?
     
  2. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    No. If my fiance' betrayed me in this manner I would break it off with her permanantly. I likely would cut off all contact from her and move on with my life. Would I be able to forgive her in the distant future? Probably, but I'd never take her back once she's proven capable of doing this. I respect myself too much to put myself in this position.
     
  3. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

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    If my fiance EVER cheated on me, that'd be it. There would be no forgiving, and I doubt I'd ever forget at this point. That's complete unacceptable behavior, and we both agree on that. Any type of cheating is a relationship-ending event, no ifs, ands, or buts.
     
  4. Lateralus

    Lateralus New Member

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    Once a cheater always a cheater, people don't change.
     
  5. onslaught61

    onslaught61 OT Supporter

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    Ahh..brings me to another question. Are there people who change after they cheat, or is it just that they think they change but their heart doesn't? I hear all the time people saying they will change, blah blah, but it usually doesn't end up getting better. Can people really not change?
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Forgiving and forgetting is a very important and healing step where you honor both yourself, and the other person's humanness and consequently a human's basic fallibility.

    You do this AFTER you break up with them, and go on your own separate ways.

    Forgiving and forgetting...yes. But to heal yourself emotionally afterwards, not to get back together and endure more of the same.



    Much, much time has to pass before a cheater re-evaluates the true errors of his or her ways.

    You should not stick around while this much time passes. You'll have let most of your youth slip away.
     
  7. Lateralus

    Lateralus New Member

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    I think people can change, but most of the time they don't. It seems to me that most people that cheat, cheat because they become bored and lose interest in the relationship. So what is to say that they won't repeat the same action whenever they become bored or lose interest?
     
  8. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    I understand that you feel this way, but from what I've observed in my time, women almost always take their men back after the men cheat.

    You may be the exception, but rarely do I see a woman break up with a man over him cheating.

    Usually it actually makes her want him more, as fucked up as that sounds.
     
  9. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I could forgive. I would never forget.

    Also, I'd forgive but that doesn't mean we'd stay together. If she cheated on me the relationship would end. A significant amount of our relationship is based on trust. If that's gone there is no relationship.
     
  10. onslaught61

    onslaught61 OT Supporter

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    so i take the general consesus to be that forgiving does not translate into trusting someone again, and there's pretty much no such thing as forgetting. what a phrase..

    from what I have observed, is that guys take back the girls too. For one thing I'm a guy. But from personal experience and second hand exp, we realize taking them back is the wrong way to go.
     
  11. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    From personal observation I'd say half the people take a cheater back initially because it's easier at the moment........but overall IMO the relationship is doomed from that point on. So yeah, you may *think* your friend took his cheating girl back, but in a week or a month or even a few months they're most likely going to break up over something else. But the real reason will be because she cheated and he couldn't stand her any more.
     
  12. lets_talk

    lets_talk New Member

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    Hey onslaught61, look we never forget. Meaning that love you had for this girl will never dissapear from being inside of you. Eventually when you meet someone else you'll love her differently, but as far as forgetting her completely, especially if it was deep. I know how you feel. I recently went through a break up and I feel like that love still lives inside of me. And I've moved on and am so excited about the future, but I know I will never forget that person or the love we created, its a part of me.
     
  13. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

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    Oh, I've seen that happen with many-a-friend of mine. They always take back the cheater. And then cheat on them, and they get taken back too. But I've also witnessed ALL of these relationships fail miserably afterwards.

    I really doubt I could ever look at my fiance the same way again if he cheated on me, and that would just doom our relationship. Plus, I'd always wonder if he was doing it again, and I don't want to ever live like that. Hopefully, I will never have to experience this though!
     
  14. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    forgiveness also means forgetting

    its not a conscious decision when you forgive someone, you either do or you dont

    if you dont, then the relationship is over.

    So you need to decide and realize in your heart whether you want the relationship to continue, or arent willing to put your heart in the firing line again.
     

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