SRS For those who's mother/father has passed away

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by never_enough, Apr 10, 2008.

  1. never_enough

    never_enough New Member

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    Does the sadness ever go away? its only been 2 months since my dad died, and to be honest i am sad everyday. it doesn't affect my daily life. i just feel sad, like something isn't right.

    Plus, it doesn't help that my dad was my support system. i always help people with their problems and am the one everyone leans on, and my dad was that for me. it was a good balance. now everyone is still leaning on me, and thats fine because i can handle more than most. its just not the same. if i am confusing you sorry, things just don't feel right.
     
  2. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Yes the sadness goes away but IMO you can't hurry the process. I had to give myself time to hurt first, then heal.

    It's ok that things don't feel right. A huge part of your life is gone now and the resultant space feels awkward. However over time you'll find that things will return to a more normal feel.

    I still my my loved ones that have gone but I'm also doing quite well. It is unfortunate that people in our lives have to die but life will go on, you heart will heal and life will be fun again. It just takes time. Hang in there.
     
  3. bitcrusher

    bitcrusher New Member

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    it's coming up on 2 years since my dad died.

    i allow myself time to mourn him, remember him, and just feel how i'm going to feel about it.

    as time goes by i remember him more in positive reflection - good memories.

    i don't dwell on his death because, frankly, it's counter productive and he wouldn't want me to. he really wouldn't.

    i dwell on his life and remember all the things he taught me and what a strong yet gentle man he was.

    my only regret is that i didn't really get to know him as a person apart from my father. but such is life.

    the thing is, you can still have fun and enjoy life while at the same time honoring his life - in fact, i think that you living and growing and being happy is honoring his life and legacy.

    :hug:
     
  4. streetscaper

    streetscaper OT Supporter

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    It's been about a month since my mom died. I have no brothers or sisters and I have no father..so she was the only person in my life that I loved that much.

    It took me about 2 weeks to get out of the super funk that I was in. And now most days I feel fine. I'm constantly thinking about her (minute-by minute) so I don't even give myself a chance to miss her. But it's weird when something happens in my life (even just a change in the weather) not having a go-to person to talk to. It's weird not having someone asking what I ate today or telling me to make sure I put a hat on. It's weird scrolling through my cell's phonebook, and seeing the "mom" entry and not being able to just call her and talk about whatever. Those little things get to me. It almost felt like an alternate universe some days.

    I just take it one day at a time, I'm still a happy person in general I think, but sometimes it REALLy hurts.
    Feelings of painful loneliness (I no longer have an immeadiate family) still surface from time to time. She was the ONLY person in the world that could make me feel good with just the tone of her voice or her warm embrace. No one in the world cares for me the way she did...really really sucks, but I try to remain positive.
     
  5. Navvik

    Navvik Active Member

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    My father is advanced in years and his health is starting to fail him. I'm scared daily that now that i live in Minnesota that i'll get "the call" where my mom tells me he's passed. I've spent the past few months/weeks trying to get to know him as a person, knowing deep down inside just how little time i have left. I'm afraid that the sadness will consume me, like the OP, my father has always been there to dispense tidbits of knowledge beyond my years.
     
  6. Mandingo12

    Mandingo12 Guest

    i couldnt imagne if my dad died. we're really close. sry for your loss.
     
  7. SeaMack99

    SeaMack99 OT Supporter

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    It goes away but it takes a very long time. And even when you think you're over it it still comes back. Especially if you have kids or something. I father passed away days after finding out I was having a son, and it still hits me everyonce and a while.

    I suggest living life and doing everything you ever wish you could do and do it to the best of your ability.
     
  8. Matt2000ss

    Matt2000ss OT Supporter

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    my dad died in 97. It takes awhile, but the pain DOES go away.
     
  9. impotent rodent

    impotent rodent New Member

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    man that really struck home as to how it feels. hope the best for your coping and one day you will meet her again :hs:
     
  10. MikeTheVike1

    MikeTheVike1 OT Supporter

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    I just don't even think about it most of the time. I don't even really like visiting my mom's grave. I got sad at a wedding one time when the groom had the dance with his mom, and I was watching realizing my mom wouldn't be there when I get married some day. Started crying, took me by surprise.
     
  11. never_enough

    never_enough New Member

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    thanks for the great replies.

    and its not like i try to think about it. its just that once it creeps into your mind, its hard to stop it. i start thinking how i am 23 and he is going to miss basically everything in my life. he won't be at the house in his favorite recliner when i go home. i don't have my support system anymore. shit sucks.:wtc:
     
  12. Budha

    Budha Guest

    Reading this thread is making me want to cry straight up. I hopefully have at least 20 more good years with mine.
     
  13. never_enough

    never_enough New Member

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    i inadvertently guilt tripped another ot'er over a thread he made title "my dad is an IDIOT". totally not needed. cherish what you have while you have it. then cherish the memories.
     
  14. never_enough

    never_enough New Member

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    something that really makes me sad is that my kids (assuming i have some) will never get to meet him.
     
  15. amac88

    amac88 New Member

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    I lost 2 grandparents within a period of 3 months, I know its not nearly the same as losing a parent, but it was similar. You DO feel better, its been almost 3 years since my grandma passed, and just over 3 since my step-grandpa (might as well have been my real one) died. It takes time.
     
  16. never_enough

    never_enough New Member

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    i lost 2 grandparents when i was younger and an uncle a year ago. i loved them all but it doesn't even come close to losing my dad.

    sorry if this thread came off as my first time dealing with a death in the family. unfortunately its not.:hs:
     
  17. nateg

    nateg New Member

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    It's been 9 years since my mother passed and once in a while I'll get an empty feeling or feel that whenever I do something important I do it for her.

    After 3 years you'll feel better. The first two years are the worst cause you simply miss that presence of having them in your life. I balled by eyes out whenever anything reminded me of her during the first two years.

    I think it all depends on how you take their death too. My sister took it far worse than I did, because she was around her friends more often than helping her mom so when she died it caused a lot of regret. However, I was with my mom a lot. Cooked and Fed her the last dinner(stouffers supreme french bread pizza>*.*), held her hand when she died and generally stood by her death bed the whole time. If you're not there when they die you take it FAR worse in the long run compared to someone who was there.


    I'm reminded that I am half of her and half of my dad. The lungs I use to breath in air are part of her, my slight slanted(not asian) eyes are hers, my slight overbite comes from her too. When you look at it in that kind of perspective, you feel better about yourself.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2008
  18. 4thgenceli

    4thgenceli Active Member

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    It's been about 10 or 12 years since my dad was killed (drunk driver hit him while he was on a motorcycle).

    I was fine for about 1 month, but I couldn't raise myself to go see him in the hospital (on life support) or attend the funeral. 5 months later I lost it and was in a psych ward for a month as I had a complete breakdown. I still crash from time to time. It's hard though because I relate more toward him than my mother (careers, facial features, etc).

    It just takes time, but a lot of it :(

    Sorry for your loss.
     
  19. Hawkeye

    Hawkeye i'm a stranger here, just blowed in your town

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    you guys are lucky you had advice giving fathers
    mine just does things, doesnt say things
     
  20. nateg

    nateg New Member

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    Who says my dad gave advice? I learned just about everything on my own. He worked two jobs 60-70 a week total. He was never home.
     
  21. Bunch

    Bunch New Member

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    Yeah pretty much time heals all. I lost my dad to Lou Gehrigs when I was 15. Its going to sting for a couple months, but you will find you think about it less and less.

    If its been 2 months, I think its time for you to start being more social and doing things that are distracting of it. Im not saying to forget about it completely, as this will make it much much worse in the end.

    But after 2 months its ok to let other things occupy your mind and time. Its been 8 years for me and I still visit him on birthdays, Christmas, and major holidays and every once in awhile when I want to reflect, but other than that its not a part of my thoughts.
     
  22. *lola*

    *lola* New Member

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    My dad has been gone since 1991, since I got a suprise phone call that day, it was a sudden death, and not quite expected. It was the most awful shocking feeling.....whereas with my mum in law, she got cancer and died some 4 years later.......it was awful too....but the sudden news of the death is the worst feeling. You just don't feel prepared for it. I grieved for a long time.
    I did a 6 week course on grief to try and understand it better, and to help myself.
    What I learnt, was that everyone is different, and it takes different amounts of times and coping for varying individuals.
    There is no length of time that you have to 'be over it'.
    At one stage, it was something like 3 months after, that a callous remark was made by a person "It's been 3 months now, haven't you gotten over it yet!?"
    I also learnt from this course, that you must allow yourself to grieve and don't deny yourself of it, and take whatever sweet time you want....and yes, there is always something there to remind you, and surprise you of how you miss your loved one.
    But you do adapt and move on. As they say, life does go on, and I am certain our departed loved ones wouldn't have wanted any less for us.
    It's good to think of them and remember them.
    As for going to the gravesite to visit, I don't go often, but when I do go, I somehow feel some peace having visited where their final resting place is.
     
  23. Malkavian Star

    Malkavian Star New Member

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    It's been over 15 years since my father passed away and I think of him almost everyday.My situation was a little special since I only got to know him right before he died.I remember the good times we had together and all the stories my mother told me about him.
    I still miss him but I'm over the sadness and have been for quite a while now.
    He's still a part of me that will live as long as I remember him.

    I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you'll find a way to keep him in your heart without getting depressed.
     
  24. toolboxolio

    toolboxolio Two for the pink, one for the asshole.

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    I don't know what I would do to myself if my dad or mom died. everything they did was basically for me and my sister. I feel like I need to give them everything a child can before that dreadful day comes. I will probably drink myself to death if my mom ever goes. Just thinking about it makes me :wtc:

    cheers to you and glad to see you were very close to your father. not alot of people are
     
  25. never_enough

    never_enough New Member

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    I know this thread is old, but I thought I would bump it back up. I figure I will update it two saturdays from now. It will be exactly one year then since my dad died.

    I don't know if anyone is interested in an update, but I find it fascinating to watch how people handle different situations. Maybe others on here are the same. Plus, I guess it is a sort of self evaluation/hold myself accountable type of thing.

    Will post again on the 21st.
     

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