For those who thought I was gone...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by texansupergirl, Jun 18, 2005.

  1. I didn't, and I don't plan to. I do plan on defending myself and if you want to flame me for it, go right ahead. If the thread gets locked, oh well, at least my side will be known. THIS WILL BE LONG!

    First off, the living situation. We had an apartment here in Omaha and were doing great. Well, almost. He had threatened to leave several times because of stupid fights, and everytime I begged him to stay. Then in late August he really decided to leave. He put in his two weeks and got rid of everything in the apartment. This was my fault and I will clearly admit to it. I lost my job because I had an ulcer and missed a week of work. I took to long to find a job and took advantage of what I had. I regret every day that I acted like that. I actually had started my new job before he actually moved but it was too late. We had an agreement that I would take care of our two dogs (a chihuahua and an american bulldog/ black lab mix) until the end of October which would be enough time for him to get a job and get his own place. But he ended up not having enough money until January so I went out there for New Year's Eve (not feeling very well the whole time) and we picked out an apartment and signed a lease. About a day or two later, I decided I needed to take a pregnancy test (Matt (spizarxxx) had come to visit me in the middle of December and well, ya know) and it came back positive. I cried but Matt was amazingly strong. I asked him if he wanted the baby but he never gave me a definite answer. It was always whatever I wanted to do. Which was good and bad because he didn't pressure me to do anything but at the same time I always wondered if he had secretly wanted me to have an abortion or give it up for adoption. So I decided I wanted to have the baby but the only way I thought I could do that was to move to Colorado because I thought my family would not want me to have it. So I told Matt I would move out there as soon as I could.
    Now I need to backtrack for a minute to before I got pregnant. The friend of mine was just that, a friend. He lived with two other women who were also my girlfriends from work. We would all hang out because none of us had money most of the time to do anything else. Plus the fact that I didn't have any other friends really. Now this friend started to like me but I didn't know that. One night, he tried to kiss me and I pushed him away. I told him that I had a boyfriend who I loved very much and I did not like him like that. And he was cool with it. But I should have done what Matt had asked me and not seen him anymore. But I was so lonely for some sort of friendship that I was blind to the damage I was doing to my relationship.
    Back to the apartment. I finally told my mom at the end of January that I was pregnant and she surprisingly didn't freak. She said if I wanted to move to Colorado she wouldn't stop me but she just wanted me to know that that wasn't my only option. I used to suffer from sever panic attacks, anxiety disorder, and depression. Pretty messed up I know. But I spoke with my doctor and she said that being in Colorado an hours highway drive away from anyone I know and 600 miles away from my family would not be safe for me. I have a very high chance of suffering from post partum depression which would not be safe for me or the baby. So I made my decision to stay here and Matt made his choice to stay there. So we were going to continue the long distance relationship until after I had the baby and was comfortable of taking care of him on my own and then I would move out to Denver to be with Matt. But I started to get jealous of the fact that he got to stay out there and live his life while I was here staying home everyday because I didn't want to be around friends who smoked or drank all the time. This caused problems and I was heart broken. My baby or the man I loved. What was I supposed to do? So we broke up and didn't talk for a month or whatever it was and then we started talking again because he posted a thread about me on a local radio stations message board. I was furious because he accused me of sleeping with someone else and was doubting that the baby was his. Not to mention that it was my hometown and my family didn't even know yet. Anyone who saw that would have known exactly who he was talking about even though he didn't mention my name because he signed it with his real name and his dj name. We started talking and he told me he was on the edge of hurting himself or something worse. I was scared so I called his mom. If anything ever happened to him, it would always be my fault and I couldn't live with that. He apologized for what he said and I forgave him. He also said that after that, there was no doubt in his or his mother's mind that this child was his. So we continued talking for some time.
    Now I have to backtrack again. In February I had told him that I was going to have my sonogram (the only one I get) on April 21st I think it was, whatever the last Monday in April was. That way he could come out for the weekend and then only have to take one or two vacation days off of work. He told me he tried to ask off for that day but 4 other people had already asked off for that day so he couldn't get it. Not his fault I didn't hold it against him. But then I said I could move it to another day and he told me he couldn't afford to miss any days off work. Ok, I understand that. But then a few weeks later he told me that his friend in Atlanta bought him a two way plane ticket to go visit him down there. I was excited for him but then realized that he would be missing a week off of work. And he was leaving the 30th of April, a few days after I was to have my sonogram. I was very, very hurt. I knew he needed this vacation. I knew it would be good for him. But I also knew that this was something big he was missing out on and he would never have the chance to see again since I only get one. This is the other big reason why we broke up the first time. Then I had the sonogram and by this time we were talking again. I found out it was a beautiful baby boy and I couldn't be more happy. This was on a Wednesday so Matt was leaving the following Saturday for Atlanta. I immediately went home and scanned in the sonogram pictures and placed them on a website I had created just for the purpose of getting the pictures to Matt as soon as possible. I talked to him that night because he had gone out with friends after work and I told him he should run over to the club house business center, as he doesn't have internet in his apartment, and that way he could see the pictures while I was on the phone with him. He told me that it was late and he had to get up early the next morning so was it ok if he looked at them tomorrow. I objected at first and got a little upset but I was ok. The next day I spoke to him right when he got home which is about 6ish my time I think, and said you should go over there really quick. All he said was, "Ashley, I have things to do." I instantly started crying and he got mad. I told him that some things he says hurt me and I don't cry to make him feel bad, I cry because I'm hurt and I can't help it. I didn't care at that point if he wanted to move here and stay there, I just wanted him to be excited or at least interested. He never asked how I was doing, how the baby was doing, or how any of my appointments went or anything like that. I was falling in love with my baby but when I talked to Matt, whether he meant to or not, it was like our son didn't even exist. I told him he needed to take some time to decide whether he wanted to be a part of this or not. My son is my first priority and everything I do now, I ask myself, how will this affect him. I started school and am working towards my bachelors. I work and pay all my own bills. I don't go out for the simple fact that one) I don't want to be around my friends who smoke because it could hurt my baby and two) I feel so out of place. I go to school, then work, then I come home. Every once in awhile I get to go to the grocery store. I have NOT slept with anyone while I was with Matt nor after I broke up with Matt. Not to mention that that is just wrong to sleep with someone else while you are carrying another man's child, and that I could be putting my child at risk, but part of me then, and still does, holds out. And maybe I was wrong to say that I was emotionally abused. Maybe after telling my story so many times because everyone asks where the father is, and them telling me that the things he has said constitutes emotional abuse, I agreed with it. But he has said things to purposely hurt me that he knows is not true. And he knows what I'm talking about because we have fought about them many times. The relationship probably was abusive both ways. We both took advantage of different things that slowly killed what we had. Every day I regret everything I have done wrong. Every night I dream of the family I could have had. Matt as my husband and Kayden as my little boy. Everyday I want to jump in my car and drive to Denver and show up at his door, with my bags in hand. But I can't. I can't leave school in the middle of a semester. I can't leave thinking that I'm just going to get the door slammed in my face. I can't leave very well knowing that I could be putting my son and myself at risk. I made the original post because I wanted opinions. I'm not looking to date but I wanted an uplifter to know that things can work out, no matter what. And Matt, you did the same thing and I forgave you and you said a lot more in the one you made bashing me than anything I said about you. And I still forgave you. You will be in my life forever, if you choose to. I will never deny you your son. I want him to have the great father that you can be. And I never meant to say that if you didn't come here you would be a bad father. I just wanted you to understand that 30,000 a year is nothing compared to having a father there every day in person. Flame me if you want, and call me stupid if you feel the need, but I still love him. I will always love him. And to my own torment, I'm still in love with him. Most of me hopes that someday we could still make it. I have to have another ultrasound because he's not growing like he should and if Matt would like to be there, I would love for him to come. I also want Matt there in the delivery room with me when our child is born. Maybe I can't move on when I probably should. But I can forgive everything, I wish he could do the same.
    This is all only half the story. Many other things have gone on that I didn't put in here and a lot that I've just forgotten. Just know that I'm not this horrible person believe it or not. I'm just as lost as you were Matt.
     
  2. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    instead of pleading your case to a forum, try working it out with the father.

    seems silly to put so much effort into a post, when the effort would be better spent actually trying to solve the problem. the two of you need to stop the drama and he-said-she-said shit.
     
  3. i'm trying. but normally he won't answer my phone calls. but i knew he would check here so i thought i would get out what i could when i could. i spoke to him briefly after reading everthing and writing that and he really doesn't want anything to do with me... everything i do is always wrong. and just to clarify to everyone, just to clear his name a little i guess, when i said emotionally abusive, it was only because he would say things to purposely hurt me and then any time i would try to talk to him he would just start screaming and cussing at me so i just would end up crying without solving a thing. and i didnt mean the whole relationship was awful. just how it ended up is awful because now theres a child stuck in the middle. if the relationship was awful, i wouldnt still love him and wouldnt still want to be with him. ive screwed myself over so bad. every day i wonder if my baby would be better off with a real family, and it breaks my heart. what do you do when the person you love most in the world hates you? its not like i can just move on and never talk to him again, we have a child together. i just wish i could turn back time....
     
  4. 4 Leaf Clover

    4 Leaf Clover New Member

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    hmmm... though i have never been in your situation or know the whole story I can tell you things will get better, You may not see it now but they will. Sure you may not ever stop loving the father of your child but he gave you something much better than himself, your son. Sure having a child is tough but the love of a child is probally one of the best loves you can ever get. I don't have my own child but my best friend does and just the love between them.. it's amazing. Sorry if i don't help but be strong if not for yourself for you son he'll need you! Good luck with everything! :)
     
  5. Hunter Michaels

    Hunter Michaels The Real American Gigolo

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    :werd:

    The thing about the truth is it is subjective and depends on who is doing the telling. I have no doubt you both feel wronged and both probably have legitimate reasons for feeling that way. Right now however there is a bigger issue and that is the kid. You need to put you differences aside and put the kid first, do what is right by it. The longer you wait the harder that will be.

    This world is fucked up enough without adding more issues for kids to deal with.
     
  6. cavgurl99

    cavgurl99 Guest

    ashley its jamie

    hey well i had to put my opinion into this as well. i have thought about a lot of times calling you but i knew that i shouldnt because of how mad at you i am. ya adam and i are pretty upset with you. anyway ashley i know that you really messed up. for one matt came out here and got you and the baby a good place to live and he also got a good job as well. he did this so that he could support you and the baby and you screwed him over on that time and time again. you told him numerous times that you would be out here for good and then you wouldnt come-or you would for a couple days and then say you missed you mom and you would go back. the one thing that i think you needed to do was cut the ambilical cord from your mom for a change-you have a baby now ashley and if you would have been thinking about what was best for the baby then you would be out here now with matt and everything would be okay. i have been matts best friend for a long time and i always will be so i am really upset with what you have done to matt. all matt was trying to do was make a good home for you guys and you were blind to that. i have seen what you put matt through and that was not right at all-he did not deserve any of that. all matt wanted to do was make a good home for you two and he did-there is just something missing-you and the baby. matt is now stuck in his apartment all alone and he has no choice about that-ashley-you even signed the lease-adam and i have told matt that he should get part of that money from you to pay for that apartment even if it meant taking you to court-if anyone should be giving anyone money right now it should be you giving matt money for the bills he owes because he was trying to give and you tha baby a good home. you messed matt up pretty bad-all that you have done has been so messed up. one of the times you were going to move out here you told matt that you werent because you wanted to go to college and then you enrolled so that you didnt have a choice or not of coming because you were in school-okay ashley-we have a ton of schools out here with a lot of free tuition money. i just cant believe that you have done all this to matt when he just wanted what was right for you and the baby. i mean your mom will be the grandma but the baby needs his dad and you are the one who took that away from him. you needed to think about what was best for the baby not what you wanted and what was best for you. i dont know what is going to happen in the future as i was there when you had the long convo with matt last night but i just hope that it is what is best for matt and the baby. as far as filing for child support you should remember that you took all that away from matt and it is your fault that you did-i personally dont think matt should have to pay anything with what you have done. i am really upset with you and i hope that someday you can get things right and things work out for the best-whatever that is at this point i dont know. anyway i have been wanting to give you my opinion on all this so bad and now that i have i feel a lot better. you said to matt last night that you want him back and you want to come out here and so on-i think if that ever happened that you would just miss you mommy and go right back. just think about the baby if anything i mean you have already ruined matt so dont do the same to the baby. well i might hear back from ya-i dont know-see ya-jamie:nono:
     
  7. cavgurl99

    cavgurl99 Guest

    one more thing-you say you never drank or did drugs well i have seen you smoke weed and drink a lot so that was a lie as well. as well as the horrible relationship i think that matt got the worst out of it and now the worst is coming for kayden if things dont change-you need to sit down and get your life together and think about a lot of things. also i dont think that your moms house is the best place to raise kayden in-think about it-you have a lot of things to think about and i hope that you make the right decisions from here on out for kaydens sake.
     
  8. scent of a wookie

    scent of a wookie OT Supporter

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  9. BTA

    BTA New Member

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    wtf is this shit all about?
     
  10. Carpet Liquor

    Carpet Liquor New Member

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  11. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    Ok. I will admit, this is a clusterfuck and a half.
    And I apologize for what I said because I am not one to judge, especially when I can not witness the situation first hand. So I am sorry about that.
    There are two sides to every story and no one here that does not know them personally should be taking sides either.

    I will say this.....
    Relationships take sacrifice on both ends to make it work, especially when a child is envolved. In this case, you both seem to have your own things going on and own goals and agendas. That is fine. However, you both are not ready to share your lives with one another. That is evident. The best thing you both can do now is find out how you BOTH are going to take responsiblity for your irresponsibility.

    It won't be an easy thing, but
    I wish you both the best of luck and hopefully you both can come to a consensus on what to do.
     
  12. jamie - granted i did do those things at one time, saying never was a bit of a stretch but it certainly seems like never compared to most my friends (what i have left anyway) including yourselves. I didn't go out every weekend and party and drink. It was a very few and far between thing so it was nothing like i really had to work to stop. and yes, i did mess up. i signed that lease with every intention of moving out there. but i was never going to be responisble for the bills. that was one condition to me moving out there was i wouldnt have to pay any of that so i could go to school full time. i started school here because i was told by my doctor that it was not smart or in my best interest to come out there with my history of depression and panic attacks. those have ended me up in the hospital twice in the past. i cant have something like that happen again when i have a baby counting on me. i had to start school when i did to keep my health insurance. and like i said before i didnt mean to sound like the relationship was horrible just how it ended up is horrible becuz theres a little boy whose mommy and daddy arent together. but i dont think matt got the worst of it. im here by myself just like he is. and he just gets to continue to live his life and go hang out with his friends and get drunk just like he did last night. i sit at home everyday because i dont want to be around my friends second hand smoke for fear it would hurt kayden. matt never showed an interest in him once. and that hurt me. thats why i shut down to him. this little boy is the most important thing in my life and to have someone act like its no big deal, whether it would have been matt or another one of my friends, it would have hurt me and made me upset. i want kayden to have his father. matt could be absolutely amazing!! i want to be a family, i really do. jamie, you're his best friend and pretty much his sister. granted you're mad at me, i would be too if roles were reversed. but i was scared. i dont know how to take care of a baby. i needed help to learn and i wouldnt have gotten that in denver. and im sorry, but being a mom now, going cruising and dragging porta potties behind the car and flying down the street going 100 miles an hour does not interest me anymore, frankly, it scares me to death. i cant live the life you guys live. i have someone else besides myself to think of. what i wish matt could realize is 30k a year is not enough to support a family, and i cant just be a waitress or cashier for the rest of my life. i want him to understand that if i can get the ball rolling now and finish school, i would be making at least 70k to start! i could help matt go back to school. think how great he is now at his job, imagine everything he could be with a degree! matt is one of the smartest, goal driven, and passionate men i have ever met. he could make every dream he wanted to come true. ever since i met him, i have admired him and envied him because of his abilities. thats why i dont know what to do now. i love him, with all of my heart. even after everything that we both have put each other thru. but i dont think its returned anymore. i hurt him very badly, but i dont think anyone realizes that i hurt myself just as bad. i miss him like crazy and ever since i talked to him at the beginning of june i have been thinking about how i could make things work. i have researched schools in denver to finish my education, i have spoke with my case worker about how to get kaydens health insurance transferred to colorado, i could be there next summer, but i dont think he wants me. i had to do what was right for kayden, not what was right for me or matt. i want to be with matt but i had to prepare myself for the fact that matt might not want to be with me. and thats how its turned out i guess. hopefully someday when matt can hold kayden and know how fragile and how dependent this little life is, and how much love you can feel for someone that you never even imagined, maybe then he will understand why i made the choice to stay when i did. you are a great friend to him. you have helped him so much and i thank god every day that he has all of you. take care of him. just know that i want to make things right, and i tried, and ill continue to try, but im not wanted anymore...... and it breaks my heart. and know as well that matt may be going thru or have gone thru a lot but know that i am too. matt still has his awesome job with his great apartment and loving friends who take of him. and im here, living at home with my mother once again, desperately trying to make enough money to go to school so i can be something for this little boy, hoping every day i can make it to work without getting sick, praying to God that i dont start having contractions again and lose my little boy. im going thru just as much hell. but unlike matt, i have dont have friends like you to lift me back up... like i said, take care of him. make sure hes around to watch his little boy become as wonderful a man as he has been.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 19, 2005
  13. cavgurl99

    cavgurl99 Guest

    back to ashley

    ashley. well first i want to say thanks for replying and not ignoring me. well i am sure that you are going through hell but i do think that matt did get the worst of it and i will back that up now. you convinced matt that you were coming out here so he went and got a good job and an apartment for you to be a happy family. he wanted and tryed so hard to give you guys a good life and you gave that up for you and the baby. matt loved you so much ashley and you tore him apart. he just wanted the best for you guys. okay anyway as far as your anxiety as you know i have that to (in fact it has almost taken my life a couple times) and i know that it is horrible but one thing that you could have done with it was taught yourself and matt how to help you through it all-adam helps me through it and since he has been doing that i have taught myself to work through it as well-and i am doing pretty good at it. anyway i am just going to get to the bottom of how i feel about it-i think that you made a commitment and regardless you should have came out here like you said you were going to. i dont know but i do think that it is to late and now you know matt is moving to atlanta-i dont necessarily agree with him doing that but he is a big boy and will decide for himself i guess anyway i think you should have came out here regardless and worked things out-out here and stayed living out here-that is all i have to say about that-that is how i feel about it. also i didnt so much like the comment about how we are so immature-i dont think we have done anything like that since you were out here-we have settled down alot-we now go for walks on the 16th street mall just to walk and just things like that-also on that topic if you were to have came out and had the baby out here i sure hope you dont think that we would have all continued acting that way around a baby-i really hope you have more respect for us more so than that. anyway that is all i have to say about all that-like i said before i dont know what is going to happen in the future-i know you really messed up and i dont know if things can be fixed-that is for you and mattie to decide but i just want the best for all of you (and yes that is including you aside from the decisions you have made). yes you did make me really mad but no i dont wish the worst on you in fact all i want is the best for all of you. if you guys worked it out then i would be happy for all of you (and yes that means not holding a grudge on you or whatnot) and if not i do wish the best for all of you. well write me back and let me know what ya think. jamie....
     
  14. opie

    opie hi. OT Supporter

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    i need cliff notes please.
     
  15. AstroGirl

    AstroGirl If I don't respond it's because I have severe ADD

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    Her mosa? ITS MY MOSA!!!
    This is wayyyy to much drama...

    cliff notes: Kid with anxiety and mommy hip attachment gets preg-o, baby daddy steps up to the plate and makes as happy of a home as he can for them (in another state) and she mind fucks him and throws a pity party for herself.

    Done and Done :nuts:
     
  16. cavgurl99

    cavgurl99 Guest

    another post

    if you want to know the details on it then read the post "dating a mom" and then come back to this one to catch up on things
     
  17. RoblesGT

    RoblesGT [Track Days: 19 ][Crashes: 1] [SuMo Days: 1 ][Cras OT Supporter

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    :rofl: ... real life drama developing on the intnenets ... this should be archived!!!!

    :x:
     
  18. Savage5point0

    Savage5point0 Im an asshole.

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    wtf is this av'less garbage?
     
  19. WeRdToYoMoThA

    WeRdToYoMoThA Girlies on Standby, Waiting to say Hi

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    holy ass thats a lot of reading.
     
  20. cavgurl99

    cavgurl99 Guest

    for those of you who dont want to do the reading then dont but ashley and i are talking on here and ya they might be long posts-if ya dont want to read it then click the little x button in the top right corner
     
  21. AstroGirl

    AstroGirl If I don't respond it's because I have severe ADD

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    Her mosa? ITS MY MOSA!!!
    Thats what PM's are for
     
  22. opie

    opie hi. OT Supporter

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    :bigthumb:
     
  23. cavgurl99

    cavgurl99 Guest

    well like i said if ya dont like it then dont read it-come on-be smarter than that-its that easy-isnt it???? :p :rofl: :mamoru: :fawk:
     
  24. kronik85

    kronik85 New Member

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    wtf, you wrote a novel on here.
     
  25. AstroGirl

    AstroGirl If I don't respond it's because I have severe ADD

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    Her mosa? ITS MY MOSA!!!
    Seriously. I thought the vag and sites like this were for ADVICE or others input. If you would like to have a conversation there is other brilliant inventions... like the telephone, or instant messenger, or good old fashioned EMAIL, or even a PRIVATE MESSAGE... :hahano:
     

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