Cliffs - too long, just don't read it. I've been going through a bit of a low, stressful time in my life recently. Tonight, my first love (a girl I dated for 3.5 years in college, from 99-03), who is married now, calls me out of the blue while I'm at work (working late). I don't recognize the number but she calls 3 times and leaves a vm the 3rd time, I check it, and call her back. I haven't talked to her in like a year (we still casually kept in touch after we broke up). We talked for like 1.5 hours just about... stuff. I really was never planning on talking to her again. We used to email sometimes and I emailed her right before she got married and said since she was getting married I wouldn't email her anymore. I don't know what the fuck happened but I've had the biggest smile on my face for the last 3 hours since we talked. Like: I think just hearing her voice kept reminding me of all the happy times we had together. Even now, our conversation flowed better than anyone I've ever known before or since. She is my basis for comparison for every girl I meet. I guess it was a reminder that even tho things can suck bigtime, there can still be someone out there for you who is a perfect fit. "But Falconer, if she was a perfect fit, why did she marry someone else?" Because I fucked up and broke up with her after 3.5 years. I basically didn't know what I wanted. We were each other's firsts (for everything) and, when things got bad between us, I wondered what else was out there. I never cheated on her, tho. I completely broke her heart (I know because she wrote me a 3 page letter telling me about it). I found that letter a few months ago when I was moving and I seriously broke down and cried because I finally realized the pain I had caused her. We talked about work. We talked about us (come on, it's bound to come up). We even talked about our breakup. She used to tell me how she hated me because of how I made her feel at the end. One day, years later, she called me drunk and said that she had forgiven me. I said I knew. I could always hear in her voice that she didn't really hate me. I told her I was sorry for hurting her. You have to understand; from about a few months after I broke up with her, I had regretted it. She is "the one that got away." I still regret it to this day. Tonight a thousand thoughts went through my head: "Is she calling me cuz she has deep rooted feelings for me still? Can I plant any seeds now that will end up with us getting together again? etc." She used to tell me how she and her bf (now husband) got along well, but it didn't "click" like it did with us. I cannot think of any reason why you would say that to your ex. And I don't deserve her. One night, a month or two after we had broken up, she called me. I remember it because I was at my parent's house (college was out). She asked me "are you sure we made the right decision (to break up)?" Not knowing what I wanted, and being enamored with another girl at the time, I said "yes, I absolutely gaurantee you we made the right decision." So tonight, I asked her how things were and if she was happy. She said "yes." I don't know if it was my mind playing tricks on me, or the fact that I can still hear and feel every single subtle context in her voice, but could've sworn she meant "yes, but not as happy as with you." It was said with that female, spiteful tone of voice that is used when they tell you the opposite of what you want to hear because they're trying to make you jealous. I think she said "it's good that you ended it, because then I met (husband)." I said "yeah, everything happens for a reason." I told her I was surprised to hear from her. I asked her why she called and she said "I dunno." I said "I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again." She's like "me either... after that email you sent me before I got married." I was like "uh, you're the one that just called me " Strangely enough, she emailed me on 1/1/07, 3 months after she got married, and said "I hope 2007 is the best year for you ever" or something like that. I was like wasn't expecting that. It's so strange. I still love her every bit as much as I did back then... but it feels different now. It's a deep, heartfelt love. It's not the chemical honeymoon "I-can't-stop-thinking-about-you" love. I mean like, if she's happy with this other guy, if she's truly happy, then that makes me happy. Is that love, or something else? What is that? I hadn't even thought about her in the last year or two, other than the occasional thing that reminded me of her. Tonight I can't get her out of my head and I can't wipe this smile off my face. Just hearing her voice made everything good again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm sure I could read into all of this and arrive at the conclusion that she's still in love with me, but I'm not going to. From the bottom of my heart, I want this girl to be happy and I have absolutely no selfish motivation to accompany that desire. I don't want her to be happy with me, I want her to be happy period, with whomever makes her happy. She deserves it. She didn't play games. I didn't need crazy PUA shit to be with her (I didn't even know what PUA was back in the day). She's the sweetest, most sincere person ever (and she's hot), and her husband is a lucky guy. Ok seriously. Does it sound like I'm pining over her? I'm not. I can't explain how I'm feeling right now. It's like love but without all the chemical addiction/withdrawl. I don't miss her. I don't want to be with her. There's none of that. But if I heard she was getting a divorce I can't say I wouldn't go after her... Holy emo thread. Ok, Asylum shrinks. Have at me. I swear no more emo posts from me for a long time.