SRS first love (married now) called me tonight v. no more emo posts i promise

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Falconer, Feb 27, 2007.

  1. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Cliffs
    - too long, just don't read it.


    I've been going through a bit of a low, stressful time in my life recently. Tonight, my first love (a girl I dated for 3.5 years in college, from 99-03), who is married now, calls me out of the blue while I'm at work (working late). I don't recognize the number but she calls 3 times and leaves a vm the 3rd time, I check it, and call her back. I haven't talked to her in like a year (we still casually kept in touch after we broke up). We talked for like 1.5 hours just about... stuff. I really was never planning on talking to her again. We used to email sometimes and I emailed her right before she got married and said since she was getting married I wouldn't email her anymore.

    I don't know what the fuck happened but I've had the biggest smile on my face for the last 3 hours since we talked. Like: :big grin:

    I think just hearing her voice kept reminding me of all the happy times we had together. Even now, our conversation flowed better than anyone I've ever known before or since. She is my basis for comparison for every girl I meet. I guess it was a reminder that even tho things can suck bigtime, there can still be someone out there for you who is a perfect fit.

    "But Falconer, if she was a perfect fit, why did she marry someone else?"

    Because I fucked up and broke up with her after 3.5 years. I basically didn't know what I wanted. We were each other's firsts (for everything) and, when things got bad between us, I wondered what else was out there. I never cheated on her, tho. I completely broke her heart (I know because she wrote me a 3 page letter telling me about it). I found that letter a few months ago when I was moving and I seriously broke down and cried because I finally realized the pain I had caused her.

    We talked about work. We talked about us (come on, it's bound to come up). We even talked about our breakup. She used to tell me how she hated me because of how I made her feel at the end. One day, years later, she called me drunk and said that she had forgiven me. I said I knew. I could always hear in her voice that she didn't really hate me. I told her I was sorry for hurting her.

    You have to understand; from about a few months after I broke up with her, I had regretted it. She is "the one that got away." I still regret it to this day. Tonight a thousand thoughts went through my head: "Is she calling me cuz she has deep rooted feelings for me still? Can I plant any seeds now that will end up with us getting together again? etc." She used to tell me how she and her bf (now husband) got along well, but it didn't "click" like it did with us. I cannot think of any reason why you would say that to your ex.

    And I don't deserve her. One night, a month or two after we had broken up, she called me. I remember it because I was at my parent's house (college was out). She asked me "are you sure we made the right decision (to break up)?" Not knowing what I wanted, and being enamored with another girl at the time, I said "yes, I absolutely gaurantee you we made the right decision." :(

    So tonight, I asked her how things were and if she was happy. She said "yes." I don't know if it was my mind playing tricks on me, or the fact that I can still hear and feel every single subtle context in her voice, but could've sworn she meant "yes, but not as happy as with you." It was said with that female, spiteful tone of voice that is used when they tell you the opposite of what you want to hear because they're trying to make you jealous. I think she said "it's good that you ended it, because then I met (husband)." I said "yeah, everything happens for a reason." I told her I was surprised to hear from her. I asked her why she called and she said "I dunno." I said "I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again." She's like "me either... after that email you sent me before I got married." I was like "uh, you're the one that just called me :p " Strangely enough, she emailed me on 1/1/07, 3 months after she got married, and said "I hope 2007 is the best year for you ever" or something like that. I was like o_O wasn't expecting that.

    It's so strange. I still love her every bit as much as I did back then... but it feels different now. It's a deep, heartfelt love. It's not the chemical honeymoon "I-can't-stop-thinking-about-you" love. I mean like, if she's happy with this other guy, if she's truly happy, then that makes me happy. Is that love, or something else? What is that?

    I hadn't even thought about her in the last year or two, other than the occasional thing that reminded me of her. Tonight I can't get her out of my head and I can't wipe this smile off my face. Just hearing her voice made everything good again. What the fuck is wrong with me?

    I'm sure I could read into all of this and arrive at the conclusion that she's still in love with me, but I'm not going to. From the bottom of my heart, I want this girl to be happy and I have absolutely no selfish motivation to accompany that desire. I don't want her to be happy with me, I want her to be happy period, with whomever makes her happy. She deserves it. She didn't play games. I didn't need crazy PUA shit to be with her (I didn't even know what PUA was back in the day). She's the sweetest, most sincere person ever (and she's hot), and her husband is a lucky guy.

    Ok seriously. Does it sound like I'm pining over her? I'm not. I can't explain how I'm feeling right now. It's like love but without all the chemical addiction/withdrawl. I don't miss her. I don't want to be with her. There's none of that. But if I heard she was getting a divorce I can't say I wouldn't go after her...




    Holy emo thread.

    Ok, Asylum shrinks. Have at me. :sadwavey:









    I swear no more emo posts from me for a long time.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2007
  2. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    It's funny. Nearly two years ago, I sent my ex a card saying I regretted breaking up with her and missed her. She ended up calling me about a month later and we talked for nearly three hours on the phone.

    I went through the same emotions for you. She was with her boyfriend, and at the time, they had been together for well over a year and a half. We talked about life, and eventually started talking about us. I kept thinking that maybe she missed me and still loved me and wanted something with me.

    A few days after we talked, I realized that wasn't the case, and I didn't want that. She was happy with the guy she was with, and I was happy for her in that respect. She's a great girl and deserved better than what I gave to her. If she was single, I can't say I wouldn't go after her now either, but I just want to see her happy.
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I particularly enjoy it when someone shows they've really grown. A lot. Like the OP.

    Congratulations. Savor the happiness. You've earned it.
     
  4. VashTheStampede

    VashTheStampede New Member

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    I completely agree. It's nice to see someone being an adult and realizing that seeing someone else happy with things is the least selfish thing you can do.
     
  5. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    ^ Thanks. I appreciate a response from that perspective. I was gonna write a longer reply but I have to run to a meeting. Stay tuned...
     
  6. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    Your post is a bit inspiring to me. My gf left me after a good 7 years; we were each others first everything. She left me 4 months ago. She's still in college and she doesn't know what she wants. I wish her the best but I believe it will take a very long time, if ever, for us to find better. I don't mean to sound like I'm in denial :( We had a few issues that were resolvable. But she couldn't see herself with one guy the rest of her life; I guess I can understand that.
     
  7. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    I think she's happy but attention deprived since getting married and is turning to someone who used to give her a lot of attention. This is all about her. She wants to feel good about herself. I'm sure there is a bit of unhappiness in her marriage, but this is often the case and it doesn't mean that she's looking for a change. If you tell her that you made a mistake, she'll feel better about herself and stop needing anything else from you. If communication keeps up, over time she may entertain the idea of an affair, but I doubt she'd leave her husband for you and it sounds like if you want anything with her it's got to be more than just a friend with benefits.

    It's great that you're happy for her.
     
  8. Lateralus

    Lateralus New Member

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    Honestly I don't think anyone could say anything better than this, be happy that she called but just close that part of your life and move on.
     
  9. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Interesting bolded part.

    I agree with most of what Viper said. No, I agree with all of it, I just don't want to admit it.

    It was so comfortable talking to her... she referenced an inside joke from 5 years ago and she's like "do you remember that?" I repeated the joke back to her (it was a line from the Simpsons) and we both laughed about it.

    I bet you the call was just for her comfort. She probably wanted to talk to me because she knew it would make her comfortable and be fun.

    She said: "people think it would be weird for us to talk, but I don't think so. It's not like we're still... you know..."

    Me: "...pining for each other?"

    Her: "Yeah."

    Me: "Whatever. How do you know I'm not still pining for you?" (said with perfect sarcastic execution)

    Her: (laughing) "Whatever."

    Me: "Maybe I still have a secret crush on you" (more perfect sarcasm).

    Her: "shut up!" (flirty girl tone of voice, would have been accompanied by a smack on the shoulder if we were in person)

    Me: "No, you're right. I'm totally over you." (said so that you couldn't tell if it was sarcasm or not.)

    Her: "Good." (said with the tone of voice that girls use when they're saying the opposite of the truth for the purpose of pissing you off)

    I added the comments in parenthesis because they completely change the tone of the conversation from if you had just read it without them.


    It's funny. My thread in the vag right now talks about my lack of confidence, but when I talk to her, I'm perfect. I'm perfectly spot on fucking everything. I could out-orate the best speaker ever. My brain is operating at 100% efficiency. I noticed this about a year after she and I broke up... when we'd talk on the phone occasionally, the conversations had their own life; a fluidity I've never matched with anyone else, ever.


    So anyway, it was more than just a conversation with a friend you haven't talked to in a while, but Viper is right. I need to leave this shit alone.
     
  10. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    Yeah I know what you mean. All this PUA and "high ranking male" techniques completely go out the window when you're with the right person. You suddenly know exactly what to say and when to say it, and she hangs on your every word. Its kinda depressing actually, that you might only meet 1 or 2 of these people in your entire life, and usually you let the first one go because of some childish bs.
     
  11. Gregsaidthat

    Gregsaidthat "Individuality is the new conformity"

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    So true. It would be a smack on the shoulder!
     
  12. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    :hs:
     
  13. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    Damn what an eye opener... I am only 4 months into my relationship with this girl but we just click... I almost lost her a few weeks ago over some childish bs. I know it wasn't as long as your guys relationships, but I feel like if she did go it would be letting that one girl get away. Now if I can help it to not fuck up I'll be good lol. :noes: :rofl:
     
  14. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    I know how you feel on that. With my ex, when we first started talking back in March of last year, we joked around so much, I felt so comfortable saying whatever to her and always had a reply that would make her laugh, and she always had something to say that would make me laugh. Before her, I took a few girls out on multiple dates and never really felt that chemistry.

    Now, she's almost completely gone. We don't talk like we used to or anything. We still talk, but a lot of it seems to be discussing our (or rather, my) problems.
     
  15. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    That would be sweet. I would rule the world. But 50% of it is how she reacts to me/plays off of me. I can't get in that zone with just anybody. Plus, most people wouldn't react to me the way she does, so I don't think it would be the same. But I will consider this concept more.

    I won't contact her, but if she calls me again I can't promise I won't talk to her.

    I still have two mutual friends with her. In fact, I work with one of them. I could maybe pull some strings, but I don't even want to tell these mutual friends that she called me. We've all known each other since freshman year in college (1999).
     
  16. Mischa

    Mischa Laugh. It won't kill you.

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    Perfectly said.
     
  17. uptown josh

    uptown josh Active Member

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    You talked to her again yet?
     
  18. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Nope. :hs:

    I don't think I'm going to contact her.
     
  19. AlcoLOLic

    AlcoLOLic New Member

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    Damn. A quote for the ages, the most quoted part of the thread. I have had one of those...I was pretty stupid for letting her go...REALLY stupid...but I have another one now...there's no WAY I'm letting HER go...
     
  20. Epicman

    Epicman Active Member

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    :werd:

    I feel like I've met and lost one of those. The sad/scary part is she never had the same feelings I had for her. We never had anything beyond a friendship. A friendship where I would get drunk and call her all the names I could come up with. Then cut her out of my life but she wouldn't leave me alone. :(
     
  21. willm1

    willm1 They say, shark in it for the moneys.

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    very :cool:

    I've had a similar experience recently. I dated a girl for almost 4 years and it fell apart during the last year and was finalized when she went to australia for a semester. I saw her over xmas break when she got back in town, but it was miserable and I treated her like shit because I knew that she'd just be transferring schools immediately for the Spring semester. I didn't talk to her once after New Years.

    It felt terrible to leave things like that. I thought she loathed me and never wanted to speak to me again. I dreamt about it every night and it would wake me up. I finally broke down and wrote her an email expressing how I felt. She got back to me last week and we talked a bit and then ended up meeting for coffee.

    I feel so much closure now. We both love and respect each other and look back on each other fondly. That's all I wanted to bring in to the open. I'm so much happier now, though I don't expect I'll talk to her again any time soon. Maybe some where down the road. :)
     

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