SRS finally starting down the healing road, i hope?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by skierd, Feb 27, 2008.

  1. skierd

    skierd Member

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    I'm nervous as hell, I've never ever opened up to someone who's a complete stranger, though I guess this post is a bit of a trial run. I'm scared, but there's gotta be something out there more than the way I've been. I've posted on here a few times in the past, but not within the last two years maybe. As a quick-as-I-can-be backstory, best I can recall I've felt depressed off and on for the last 10-15 years or so (I'm 24), so starting in maybe 7th or 8th grade. By off and on, I am/was usually ok through thanksgiving, maybe as late as Christmas, but by mid January I feel dull, lifeless, alone, agitated, cold, and generally bleak. My grades would suffer somewhat, but by spring I'd be back on track academically and starting to thaw for summer. Went to college out of state, and things inside my head started to spiral, badly.

    My first semester went well enough, but my the middle of my sophomore year I had stopped caring about... anything? We had 12wk semesters, one spent on campus and the next spent working at a co-op. During the school terms, I didn't study, didn't go out, didn't like myself or what I was studying. I stopped being able to read clearly and comprehend, it was like I was in a fog all the time. Reading and the imagination had always been an escape for me, but that was gone. When we would have parties at the house, some nights I would try to be social but many others I would just lock myself in my room with the lights off, shut the blinds, and pray no one would try come in while I thought about dying. Things are still cyclical though, the blackness would get worse around 3/4 of the way through the term and I'd be mostly fine (by comparison) during my work terms. This is around when I found the asylum and starting reading some of the links and stories in here as a way to figure out what the hell was going on with me. I failed out at the end of my Junior year and moved back home. I blamed the school, my prof's, and myself for being lazy.

    I've been seeing a girl for the last 2.5 years, met her in college and we've mostly kept things up long distance. Its more of a friendship than a relationship, we're both free to see other people but usually get together every 2-3 months. She's also been the first person to truly confront me about my black moods, been a caring shoulder to cry on, and ear that would always listen, and convinced me I needed to get help. The point at which I finally snapped came between christmas and new years, in a fit of self hatred and pity I went into the cabinet where I keep all my old pocket knives from when I was a boy scout and tried to cut my wrists. Fortunately I wasn't a very good scout and they were no longer sharp, but the realization that I had actually pulled a blade across my veins with the firm assumption that they were sharp has had me terrified for the last 2+ months.

    From early December to now, I've gone from happy about the future in which I think I've found my calling and finishing my first semester back in college with a 4.0GPA to brutally and at least at first, as much as it scares me to admit it, suicidally depressed to something in between. I hate getting out of bed in the morning, I haven't been on time to work for nearly 6 weeks. I've lost my motivation for my classes, bailed on appointments to start my fieldwork, and avoided my first major paper. I've avoided writing my application essays to the two colleges I'm looking to apply to. I have a hard time falling asleep, anytime I lay down I think about death, dying, the finality of it all, how close I came to it, and how quickly life can be snatched away by disease, misdeed, or sheer accident. I'm tired of feeling this way, so I approached one of my professors on Monday who's been an educator for 30+ years and was a counselor at several schools as well for a referral to someone she worked with. It was so hard to walk into that office and ask, I must have paced around the floor her office is on 5 times. Thinking about the people on here who've made the step, as well as what it means to my girl and myself finally pushed me in. She gave me a number to a doctor who's office is near my house, and I worked up the nerves to call this afternoon to set up an appointment. :hsr: :noes:
     
  2. althepirate

    althepirate Talk nerdy to me.

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    :hug: Good for you for making an appointment. You're on the right track to getting help and eventually rising above this.
     

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