SRS Finally ending a 13 year relationship

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by noradninja, Jan 12, 2007.

  1. noradninja

    noradninja New Member

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    Long story.

    I met my ex when I was 13 years old. We have been together since then, until about two weeks ago.

    Throughout our relationship, at various points, she would break up with me to date other people. In the 13 years we have been together, I would say she has dated about six other people. How involved their relationships were, I do not know. She says she never slept with anyone else besides me; I really don't care.

    Anyway, long story short, after dating for 8 years, we get married. And everything is good, for a while.

    About 3 years ago, she introduces me to a friend of hers. There is an attraction there between the two of us. Oddly, my wife encourages this. She refers to her as my girlfriend, and to me as her boyfriend, as well as playing 'matchmaker' for us by constantly talking to us about the other and telling each of us how much the other loved them, etc, until eventually, the two of us actually did develop feelings for each other.

    Then, two years ago, she decided she wanted to be a mother. I really wasn't sure this was the best thing to do (financially, emotionally, etc) at that point in our lives, but she bothered me about it for about 6 months and i finally broke and gave her what she wanted, because I wanted to make her happy.

    At the same time, I was starting college in FL. We all moved there, and things were good (more or less). We fought on occasion, but nothing too major.

    Fast forward a few months. Baby is born. Life is wonderful, except for the fact that I am in class 40 hours a week, and then have to spend 120 hours at least outside of school to get my work done. So I dont get a lot of time to help mom with the baby (altho I do take care of him all night for her, because of my class schedule), nor do I get any down time from working. The place we live in becomes a wreck because I am not cleaning it (wife was a rich girl who doesnt understand the concept behind taking care of oneself), I am surviving off of maybe 2 hours of sleep a day if I am lucky and actually get to sleep.

    About a year ago, wife invites her friend to visit us for a month. She tells both me and her friend that when she comes to visit, she wanted us to have sex together. She had been telling us both this for the previous year. I repeatedly grilled her about this, wanting to know why she wanted me to do that with her friend, etc. and she tells me that since we loved each other, that we should do that. And, on my part, I really did want to sleep with this girl, having never had sex with another woman in my life at that point.

    Well, she comes and visits, and things are good for a while. Friend and I eventually have sex, twice, at the urging of the wife.. At first, wife doesnt seem to care, but, eventually, as I figured she would, she is really angry about it. I try to point out to her how hypocritical this is, but its useless to argue logic with a pissed off person.

    During this time, wife gets pregnant (again). I have a 7 month old at this point, and I tell her that I want her to have an abortion because there is no way in hell we can handle another child. That goes over like a lead baloon. Eventually, after weeks of arguing it, she has a miscarriage.

    Wife and I sart fighting. Constantly. Over big and little things. As a matter of fact, it seems that everything eventually became an argument.

    I am trying to be nice. I am very passive, I will take a whole load of abuse before I finally crack. But the more I get screamed and yelled at for coming to college to better the lives of my family, the more bitter and depressed i become. The more I get yelled at for sleeping with someone I was told to, over and over, the more empty I feel. I can only take being made to feel like shit because I did not want the second child so much. All I wanted was to give her, myself, and the son a happy lifestyle, and it all went to shit.

    So, last week, when she pressured me for the whole week to decide for her if she should have more children or not by way of forcing me to choose for her if she should get her tubes tied or not, I cracked. I finally had enough of being miserable in a vain attempt to make someone else happy.

    I moved out and asked for a divorce. Filed the papers earlier this week.

    OT, what should I do? I have never been in any other relationship (besides the friend of the wife) in my life, I have a great education but need to move to another state to get an internship or job in my field (3D computer animaiton), and I am sharing custody with the ex of the son, but he is to live with her ( I didnt want to be a bastard and take her to court, she is a good mother). My life has fallen down around my ears in a matter of a couple years, and I really dont know what to do with myself anymore.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    You should have settled with the brass instead of going for the diamonds. Because if your always at work you don't even know your child or wife. You should have asked yourself the question 'do i live to work, or do i work to live?' If you consider yourself as a farmer you should know that you can only have so much hay on your fork, before the load becomes too heavy and you will fall. And by golly have you smacked your face with all of this. You are in discredit because woman reason on a emotional level, and you on a logical, so you two(or three) haven't been in tune.

    My method is this 'be hard to problems, but be kind to people'. Honestly listen to my advice and bring your life into calmer waters, 2 hours of sleep alone is enough to let a person lose his mind over lack of sleep. Now unless you have 3 million in debt, there's no valid exuse whatsoever to work over 100 hours a week.

    What you DESPERATLY need to learn, is where to draw the lines and say 'that's enough, to here and no further'.

    If the wife says 'i want a threesome' then you say 'NO' im comitted to you only. If the wife keeps nagging normally you say ' No, i don't want to hear about it anymore' and if she keeps on nagging even beyond that you say 'No, and if you say it one more time i will leave you.'

    If your boss says work 80 hour you say 'NO' thanks, i (put in exuse) have to take care of my baby. 40 hours max, that's it.

    You see, the problem with you is that your not setting boundries for the things that come to invade your life. You need to grow a TALL SPINE and say no against all these things of which you don't want in and will ruin your life.

    You are the source, you set boundries, you make choices, you are for at least 50% master of what happens in the house, and 100% master of what you do and allow to happen in your own life. Take the initiative and prevent people from abusing you, read 'doormat'.

    Stop being passive. Your just a punching bag, you see No action = no reaction. Or in other words COMPLAIN , good couples complain as to what is bothering them. Arguing is a different thing, it only acts as poison and brings darkness and misery in eachothers lives. Refuse to give another spin to that wheel of hatred that will make it keep on spinning forever, stop the argument at where you are and the hate will stop.

    Ask yourself the question, did you go with her so she could make your life miserable, did she go with you so you could make her life horrible? Of course not, couples are supposed to make eachother HAPPY, so only bring love and light into eachothers lives.

    BALANCE, there should be time for work,eachother,the child, and living a lifestyle that doesn't send you in a psychiatric ward.

    You know , when your never around the house, the lady becomes dissatisfied and will start looking for other partners to gratify her needs. You probably never being around was the reason she invited that woman into the house. But what's more, you can never exert control over what your wife is doing if your never together. You see a relationship is all about being together but still letting eachother be able to do their own thing.

    So what can you do when the enemy has reduced your golden castle to a ruin? You can cry over it, or you can try rebuilding it. And quite frankly the last is the only valid option.

    So what you have to do (and wether you decide to go back to her is something i leave at your hands) is taking a 'total' different approuch to the relationship this time you have to be 'master' and not 'slave' of the situation in your life.
     
  3. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    Dude she had a miscarriage. She and you need a lot of counselling.

    And you need to forget about other sex partners. Accept the fact that you are together.

    And you need to find time for life, even if that means sacrafice.

    Am I pro you getting back with her, yes.

    But I do not know what it is like; obviously.

    It is just now there is a kid involved. and that is what I care about.

    You have had other partners, you obviously care more about her then experiancing new things. She wanted new things and an exciting sex life, but it is not working out well.

    The fact you consider her your enemy who is destroying your castle is part of the problem. You are supposed to face life as a team. and you cannot tell me youve never done that before.

    I can not imagine the mental seperation taking place here. You have never been alone, without, for 13 years.

    Wow.

    Darketernal had some great advice there. But I would give it a (second, fifth, whatever) chance for the kids sake.

    And both of you need a lot of counselling, and she needs to stop bringing home girls or whatever. It is one on one, these little flings... are they trying to say *i want to meet other people, we have been together since 13*. Well you guys had that now. You are 26 or so now. You brought a kid into the world.

    I would try to make it work, and tell her you will stop filing if you guys start a very heavy counselling session. If money is tight, visit priests who are counsellors. Talk to goverment services to try to meet counsellors. I mean it should not be hard to find a mediator here, which you obviously need.

    And I am saying that because as much help as you need here, you need to express what you guys REALLY FEEL, and this is a REALLY hot story, first time I heard of something like this.

    Like if you did not have a kid, then fine, move on if you felt like that.

    But she has had a miscarriage. That is mental rape on a woman, and I know it because my best friends mom had 2 before she adopted. I found out that she tried to commit suicide by trying to jump off a cliff.

    Life is a bitch, she may not be. She might just be suffering terribly, and even though you are trying not to fight with her maybe that is not going to work, maybe she needs a LOT of pychological help.

    I would have nothing less then 4 visits a week for a long time. And I would stop messing with other friends and people, that is subconcious crap on your mind that says *i want variety*, you obviously have a kid to take care of now, 13 years or not.

    Now do not be terrible and stay together just for the kid and make his or her life hell.

    But she has a chance at dulling the immense pain of her miscarriage (and your drive for abortion hurt her too), then maybe you will be happy watching your kid grow up.

    I have no idea how tough your life is, it seems incredible. I would step down the voltage! That resistor is getting really hot.
     
  4. familyguy101

    familyguy101 New Member

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    why did she want you to have sex with her friend? did she watch?
     
  5. Akumasun

    Akumasun Follow the Light.

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    I think it is to see if he would do it and than use it against him later.

    :dunnu:
     
  6. noradninja

    noradninja New Member

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    Eventally, it was used against me later.

    To all the people that posted their advice:

    You need to understand why I posted here. I did not post here for advice on fixing this relationship. It is over, from both of our points of view. What I am trying to do is find out how other people have dealt with the aftermath of a divorce, because I am in that position now.
     
  7. KetchupKing

    KetchupKing New Member

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    his wife used her "lover" as a test and he failed that test.
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I personally think you are better suited emotionally to raising a child than she is.
    However, typically the mother is granted custody.


    Regardless, you should continue on with the divorce.
    Direct all your efforts toward finishing school.

    Your school may have a student health centre. Try and access some mental health resources there, you need advice and help on managing a co-parenting situation.
    Don't interact with her anymore.
    Don't interact with the Friend anymore either.

    Other than within the boundaries of the co-parenting situation, leave her alone.
    If you can't access any free resources at school to provide guidance with this (proper co-parenting), post here and we'll dig something up for you.

    Get out of her life. Get her out of your life.
    Be a good father to your child.

    And good luck.
     
  9. noradninja

    noradninja New Member

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    I finished school 2 months ago, got an Associate of Arts in COmputer Animation.
    I have been contemplating seeing a psychologist for some time now, but once the divorce is final (60 days), I will no longer have medical insurance and thus will not be able to afford to see one.
    I try to keep my interaction with her to a minimum, but she is very clingy. I do have to interact with her when I go to see my son. She just wierds me out now, she tells me that she doesn't mind that we are getting divorced because she wants to be my GF (which seems just freaking wierd to me). As for the friend, for a while she seemed to want to continue our relationship, but eventually we mutually decided it wasn't the best thing.
    I want to do my best to be a good father to our son. It is likely that she will get residency although we will both share custody. The problem there lies in teh fact that I will eventually have to move out of KS to get a job in my field (no animation/game studios here), and therefore I will be cutting myself off from my son, who is all I really care about in the world.
    I want her out of my life, but I don't know how I will be able to have that. I am half tempted to find a GF ASAP just to get her to leave me alone, but I am not that kind of person, I do not want to seem vindictive or callous.
    I just feel very weird. I don't know what to do with my life, because I have basically committed the first half of it to this person. I want to be happy, and the only time I really am happy is if I am with my son. I would like to be with someone that treats me like I am a person.

    I just don't know.
     
  10. johan

    johan Active Member

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    so you have 60 days remaining for medical insurance.
    I suggest you use that time. You can accomplish a lot in 60 days.
    that's almost a weekly session for close to 10 weeks.

    Tell your therapist that your insurance will soon run out. Many will help you arrange other ways to access help, including free resources.

    And typically, you will probably be doing just fine after 8 weeks or so.
    So why don't you start?

    There's no need to sit there in the half darkness thinking "idontknowidontknowidontknow".....

    Call your family doctor tomorrow morning and get a referral through him/her.

    You'd be surprised how quickly the sunlight breaks through once you make a move to DO something about it. And even though it doesn't seem like it, but DOing makes all the difference, compared to just THINKing about it.

    Get treatment.
    Finish school. DO WELL
    Get a good job.
    Earn some money
    Your son might come live with you once you have the resources.
    She may not be as well situated once you sort out your life.
    You might be surprised that courts can be swayed.
    She might even reconsider on her own, once you improve your situation.

    But it starts with getting treatment for yourself.
     
  11. noradninja

    noradninja New Member

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    I spent the last year agonizing over this. As a matter of fact, I had filed for divorce a few months ago, but i decided to give her another chance. Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that the relationship was not going to get any better, and once I came to that point, it was a matter of overcoming personal moral conflicts (is my own happiness worth losing the ability to be with my son 24/7, etc.), which was actually my biggest stumbling block.

    I fought with myself long and hard over a lot of things. My problem is that I really would rather live in misery if I KNOW that it will benifit someone else or make them happy. It really is more important to me that my spouse be happy, moreso than my own happiness. The issue, however, was that regardless of what I tried to do in our relationship to improve it (having a child when I was not really ready because she said it would make her happy, I went to college to benefit my wife and son, etc) and to improve the circumstances of our lives, it only seemed to make her more unhappy as time went on.

    I know I need to seek professional help. I have dealt with chronic depression and anxiety for some years now on and off. It doesn't help that my last psychologist shot himself in the face. I realize that that is not a reflection on me as a person, but it just creeped me out to know that, and I have had something of an aversion to getting psychiatric assistance for a while now due to it.

    The thing that kills me the most is this: when I finally decided that I had had enough, and I filed for divorce, I thought I would be upset about it. I mean, that relationship lasted for half my lifetime. But the odd thing was, I feel nothing. I am not really upset about it, and I personally don't know if that is a bad thing or not. I keep thinking I should be upset, or angry, or something, and really, I just don't care. All I care about is spending time with my son and finding a decent job.

    I wonder if my lack of emotion about it makes me a bad person...?
     
  12. johan

    johan Active Member

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    No, not a bad person. It makes you a depressed person, that's all.

    Flattened affect is just a minor feature of your coping response. I wouldn't worry about that by itself. It's everything else.

    Get help. Seriously.
     

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