Filling a hole in your ego / getting validation

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by JohnJohnJohnson, Mar 7, 2008.

  1. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I always find it odd when people talk about validation like it's a bad thing. I also find it odd when they make the old "filling a hole" analogy.

    Because what, effectively, is the difference?

    I'm asking what the CONCRETE difference is between "filling a hole" and "enhancing what is already there."

    What is the difference between being with someone because they make your life better (enhancing what is already there), versus being with someone because your life is worse without them (filling a hole)?

    Aren't they exactly the same thing, only, worded differently?

    The effective difference, as far as I can tell, is 0.

    Let's look at it in terms of concrete effects and consequences. Here's a hypothetical: I am with this hot girl to fill a hole in my ego and because her hotness validates me. So give me some negative consequences.

    Is it that we will eventually break up? Because... everyone breaks up. It happens.

    Is it that we can't feel happy together?

    As far as I can tell, I could feel happy by "filling a hole in my ego" and "getting validated" for the rest of my days.
     
  2. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    i agree, filling the whole is a good thing, because theres an obvious hole!

    being validated is great. occasionally i ll hit on chicks just to feel validated if im in a relationship, just to know, in 2-4 hours i could be fucking that girl.

    I could totally be happy filling a new hole every day of the week!

    lol! great post would read again
     
  3. BlackIce72

    BlackIce72 New Member

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    I forget which language it is (maybe Ancient Greek), but 'loneliness' is defined not as the lack of having companionship or without someone -- it's defined as "lack of oneness" within oneself.

    I like to subscribe to that definition.
     
  4. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    the negative consequences of "filling a hole" is that once enough time passes, the hole appears again/gets bigger. "omg i'd be so happy if i just had X"... then once you get that you want something else.
     
  5. Auspicious one

    Auspicious one New Member

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    try crucifying the ego
     
  6. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    They aren't the same thing at all.

    Filling a hole is much different than enhancing what is already there.

    The major difference is the frame of mind.

    When you are filling a hole, you can't live without them...meaning you will cling to each other and possibly stay even when the best option is to move on.

    When you are enhancing what is already there, you compliment each other and enrich each other's lives, but you can live without each other and you know when to walk away.

    One of these frames is healthy. The other is damaging. Sadly, most are in damaging relationships because most people's frame of reference is BEING the right person (filling the hole, changing each other to suit each other) instead of FINDING the right person (enhancing each others lives through immense compatibility).
     
  7. fray

    fray New Member

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    I agree with frame of mind. If you're enhancing, you've basically already got whatever it is you're enhancing, there is just something that adds to that. If you're filling a hole, then that implies something is missing. Instead of fixing it within yourself, you're just looking outside for something to fix that. So enhancing is more of a positive, while filling a hole is a negative. I think consequences/actions related to each will be likewise negative or positive.
     
  8. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Perhaps one of you two would care to propose some example consequences of this "missing part".

    Ncs had the most coherent exlanation so far but I am not sure that is what people mean.
     
  9. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Nah, man, I said my piece. I'm going to let it ride for once.
     
  10. fray

    fray New Member

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    i'll go for it. ..we'll see if I have the right idea of what you're talking about.

    If you're filling a hole... let's say in this example, self-esteem. You don't feel attractive. You meet a girl who is into you and she makes you feel more attractive. While you're with her and things are going well, you're happy. You don't feel attractive on your own, but when she's around you feel pretty good.

    Then you get in a fight or are for some reason separated for a length of time. Without her, you feel shitty and unattractive again. This leads to you having to look outside yourself for someone or something to make you feel better again - another person, alcohol, sitting around bitching on a message board, whatever. It's a more negative state of mind and it leads to a more negative outcome.

    If the situation were different ("enhancing situation"), you feel attractive anyway and have self-esteem, but being with some girl just brings this out more in you. Then even if she isn't around, you're still okay. You're not having to look to other things to provide this support. This is a much more positive situation.

    I blabber. Does that make sense at all?
     
  11. Yahdude

    Yahdude New Member

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    The way I look at it is that if you need someone else to be happy with yourself...then you're not truly happy with yourself, and eventually the problem is going to arise again.

    Instead of filling the hole, look at it like you're just covering it up bear trap style...eventually someone/something is going to fall through it.
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Ok. Thanks

    I guess it all just sounds very theoretical. Most of us have some external requirements in order to feel happy, be they female or functional. Differentiating between when it qualifies as a hole and when it doesn't seems arbitrary. I'm not happy without food and sex. Then after eating a big meal... if I don't get another one soon... and I dont have sex for a long time... I hate my life. It's a need I can never turn off!! Does that mean I have a "hole"? Is it even worth wasting energy on trying to figure out which category I fit under?
     
  13. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    The problem here is that a lot of factors are left out. As viper mentioned in his post, you could be with the girl because you have nothing better to move on to, in which case she is simply filling a hole. She may be hot but that doesn't mean you have a good relationship with the person. I don't think being with a hot girl is validation unless something actually exists between the two of you.

    What I mean is, you could take a hot girl out on a regular basis and it might validate you because in public you're seen with some really hot girl. It may not "fill the hole" because the relationship could be complete garbage.

    On the flip side, it could "fill the hole" because the "hole" is having a girlfriend. It may not validate you because you don't personally care about the physical appearance of someone.


    I think the main difference between "filling the hole" and "validating" are the factors that are important to the person the terms are being applied to.
     
  14. fray

    fray New Member

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    I don't think it's an issue of being happy or not. It's an issue (possibly unconscious) of whether your psychological needs are being met, and your outlook on the situation. Some people don't get sex and they think, "that's sucks, I'd like to get my dick wet" while others think "that's sucks. I must be ugly, no one wants me. What am I doing wrong? Why does that other guy get girls? He's better than me." It depends on how you're looking at things.

    Regardless, I didn't think you were asking about what was filling a hole and what was (?) a need. You asked about enhancing what was there (i.e., no need/hole) vs. filling a hole. I guess I don't understand what you're trying to discuss.
     
  15. KindlyCuddly

    KindlyCuddly Irina Lazareanu

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    As long as you aren't "filling the hole" with one particular person then fine.
     
  16. CaiWooBlue

    CaiWooBlue New Member

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    This is how I feel. I don't that one can ultimately rely on another for happiness or validation of one's true worth. One must rely on themselves and feel comfortable in their own skin and be satisfied in general from within.

    If one is not happy/satisfied with them self, it is "filling a hole", and will never be right. It would be like filling a hold in concrete with dirt. Sure it covers the emptiness, but does not by any means complete anything at all.

    Now if one is happy/satisfied with them self, the relationships that they have with others WILL enhance what they already have. It will not be a dependence. It will be a partnership. Of course this works best when both in the relationship have achieved this, otherwise there will be a tugging to "fill" things on one side, and not the other.

    Now a superficial validation, such as what Yuppy mentioned, is a different thing altogether, and IS something that even a happy WHOLE person can use at times. Who doesn't get a momentary boost in pleasure when you just know you can bang that chick later. What matters in one who is whole and one who is not, is that one who is whole simply needs to KNOW, the one thats not will need to DO for that validation.
     
  17. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    there you go.
     
  18. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    you know what i think. this is one of those cases where the word precedes its reference.

    the point of nouns or noun phrases or words in practical usage (this qualifies) is to refer to something that you perceive. i use the word "dog" to refer to dogs. etc.

    sometimes though, people come up with phrases and then attempt to find things that the word can refer to. the problem is that maybe those things don't actually exist, or exist in the precise way that the word means. it's easy to do. relationship structures are sometimes an example of this. "girlfriend" is a very specific phrase... initially. but then when you try to figure out whether somebody qualifies as your girlfriend ... or something else ... you end up wasting a lot of energy trying to see if YOU fit the WORD.

    but remember, the point of words is that the WORD fits YOU (or something else). the dog doesn't fit "dog" - "dog" fits the dog.

    we waste a lot of time in pro-choice debates trying to figure out what qualifies as "alive" or "life"... we try to see whether REALITY fits the WORD, which is utterly pointless. the word fits reality, and if it doesn't, it's time to stop using the word (at least in that context).

    this is definitely an example of that.

    somebody popularized this phrase / notion. "filling a hole".

    it doesn't really refer to anything though. it's more like a category that people try to avoid falling under. it is vague, ALMOST vacuous relationship vocab. i think this thread proves that. all the different possible examples, definitions.. it's like saying, "how do I know if I'm a motherfucker?" it's just an empty phrase that people throw around when they feel like it.
     
  19. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    JJJ, you've quickly become one of my favorite Vag-ers.
     
  20. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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  21. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
    I dont know if you edited this, or if I just missed it the first time I read your post, but that seriously made me lol.
     

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