SRS Fiancee and I just broke up

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cthalupa, Sep 28, 2009.

  1. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    Long distance relationship. It's had it's up, it's had it's downs, and whenever we're together, things are great. But we don't get to visit that often. When we're apart, neither of us are really happy.

    The short of it is that neither of us are really able to find a good balance between doing our own thing, and getting to talk to each other. We both don't want to put the other aspects of our life on hold, but the ability to socialize with each other while doing other things is nonexistent due to the situation. On the flip side, neither one of us wants to sit there on Skype every day.

    We love each other. We want to be with each other. But she's not happy with things as they are now, and there's nothing either of us can really do about it. She's Canadian, so up and moving, even though we're both convinced we'd be happy if this was possible, isn't an easy option. Dealing with immigration is a huge pain.

    She's still in love with me. I'm still in love with her. Neither of us want to let each other go, but she doesn't feel like she can keep this up.

    I haven't got any idea what to do. I'm not ready to give up on the relationship, but I know I don't have a choice if she has. We agreed to just not talk for the next week, and see how we both feel about breaking up, seeing if maybe she realizes she doesn't want it, or if I realized it was for the best.

    Getting up and starting to move on when we're both still in love doesn't seem like the right choice, but holding on to hope when there's none doesn't seem to be either.

    So what do you do when you both love each other, but the situation makes it near - or actually - impossible to be together? The situation is about a year away from actually improving. So, even if a week from now we decide that things aren't working out now, if we both still are 100% sure we love each other, do we just keep in touch every now and then, and then try to rekindle things when we can?


    All of the options seem like bad ones, too me. If we decide the break up is right, I lose someone I love dearly. If after that, we decide to try again in a year, then we're stuck loving each other for a year, but being apart, with no guarantee things will work better. If we get back together, then we're still stuck dealing with all of the pain and hurt caused by being 2500 miles apart.

    Fucking thing sucks.
     
  2. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    if you were both convinced that you really wanted to be married and were totally in love why didn't you get married and one of you relocate?
     
  3. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    If it was that easy, we would have.

    I'm the only one of us that makes enough money to support two people, and I've been unable to find a job that pays well enough that would wait for me to make it through the immigration process up there.

    So that means she would have to be the one that moves, and immigration to the US is not a short process. An extremely speedy one would be about 6 months. Most take a year to a year and a half. We had began the process recently, for the K-1 fiancee visa (Faster than the family member visa), and the people we spoke to said that the processing time would be about a year and a quarter.

    That's what I was referring to with the "Situation could get better" bit. Beyond the pain involved, it would also potentially be a fair amount of money for nothing - But I'm not concerned about in in comparison to how I feel.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    A year a 1/4 is too long to wait :ugh:

    How long have you two been together?
     
  5. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    Two years.

    Things have been rough for a lot of it. Getting to see each other for maybe 3 or 4 weeks out of 52 kind of takes a toll.
     
  6. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    she can't get a working visa here or is she tied to something in canada and can't leave?
     
  7. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    She's going back to school to finish a degree, but if she could move right this minute, she would.

    Working visa's have an even longer processing time than the others, unless you have a position sponsoring you.

    She can't get a student visa because it requires a sponsor with 17,000 in a bank account dedicated entirely to said student, that can only be used to pay for tuition/basic needs. It takes about as long as a K-1 visa, and requires a school have accepted you as well.

    They also won't give you either of those visa's if they think you're only getting them for a chance to be in the country to get married, and every time she's visited, she's stated seeing me as her reason in the country, which they look at.


    It's a horrible goddamn situation.
     
  8. pbcustom98

    pbcustom98 New Member

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    i feel you man.

    me and my current wife had a long distance relationship.

    i am in NYC, and she was from london, england.

    we sacrificed a LOT of shit to be where we are today. we currently are married and living together. she relocated to NY.

    it DEFINITELY is not easy. since there is a time difference of 5 hours, talking on the phone/online was certainly not easy, and we both lost a lot of sleep.

    we spent a lot of money visiting each other, and spent a lot of money on phone cards etc...

    BTW..we dealt with all that immigration shit -- major pain in the ass.

    if it is worth it to you guys...you will make it work regardless of how bad things get. follow your heart man. i did, and im happy with my choices.

    i have quite a few stories about our "situation" that is rather funny/stupid, but we went through a lot of shit to be together.

    we are verry happy.

    hit me up on aim (ot name is my aim) if you want to talk about it...i can relate, although every situation is rather unique.
     
  9. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    If she is still trying to establish a career and you already have one established, you should emigrate to Canada and find a job to support yourself (not necessarily two people). At least at this point, you will be in Canada with her in a closer viscinity. You don't have to get a job in your field of expertise immediately, if this is not possible. Just any job that will help pay the rent and keep you fed.

    You can search for a job in your field while you are in Canada.

    If you are in as much love as you are to believe you want to marry this person, you would give up financial luxury and live with the bare minimum to be with this person.

    Before you make a decision like this, you should also consider how you would live together. You need to tell eachother your habits (including partying, eating, budgeting, etc.).
     
  10. Sirian

    Sirian New Member

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    :hugot:

    LDRs are HARD. I hope you guys can make it work.
     
  11. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    Ugh. Going until Sunday without talking to her is going to kill me.
     
  12. Pepe

    Pepe New Member

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    i'm not trying to be a jerk, but perhaps this is for the better.

    it seems that your relationship wasn't really a relationship at all, but more based on the comfort you felt with one another. i have been involved in a LDR myself, and it definitely has its benefits. the main ones i enjoyed were the moral support over the phone because that is all you really can provide, as well as the awesome week or two that you got to spend together when you finally had the opportunity.

    the problem is, after that week or two together, you start to realize things. the "honeymoon" starts to wear off and lose its luster. you said you only see each other 3 or 4 weeks out of the year, which leads me to believe that you experience much of these same things.

    have you two ever lived in the same area, or together for that matter? i guess i just don't see how you can be engaged to someone if you only know them through the telephone. again i'm not trying to bash, just attempting to point out some things that perhaps you have yourself overlooked. best of luck and i hope whatever happens works out for you.
     
  13. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    When I first read that, I was kind of angry. Not a relationship? Bullshit! And so on. But then I thought about it some more, and looked at all that I had posted, and couldn't really fault you.

    There's been a lot more than just comforting/supporting each other over the phone, etc. We spend as much time as we can doing things together, though there isn't much. She was never really a big gamer before I got to knew her - Mainly just console games - but we both started playing some games together as to way to spend time. WoW, L4D, etc. We'd sit around and talk about nothing but stupid articles on Fark and Digg, and plenty of other times we'd just sit and talk about each other.

    I've been in plenty of relationships, good and bad. I've messed some up, and I've been on the other end with the other person messing things up too. I've bee in relationships where there wasn't much of anything there, except a few shared interests. I've been in love before, and I'm sure that if things don't work out here, I'll be in love again. But I definitely know that I love her, and I definitely know that she loves me. That's not something I've ever doubted.

    We got engaged because we decided that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Again, something I've got no doubts about. But it's also about the only way that she could have moved into the country in any reasonable time span. After that, there's a 90 day period before we would have to get married, and we both agreed that we'd cut it as close as we could, with her living with me, just so we could see if there was something we were missing, that might be some issue that could later cause trouble.

    I know this has started to get long, but I don't really know how to keep it short. How do you keep something short about someone who walked into your life, became your best friend, and then much more? I sit here and think about how everything has gone, and I realize that I've got a gigantic grin on my face, thinking about the fun we've had, the things we've done, what we've shared with each other, and everything else in the relationship.

    Maybe we didn't have a relationship. Maybe distance prevented that. I don't know. But if it wasn't a relationship, then it was something that brought me more joy and happiness than any relationship I've been in.

    Unfortunately for me, I'm about 95% sure that talking to her on Sunday is just going to be final confirmation of that.
     
  14. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    Ultimately, it's up to your feelings to decide whether or not the relationship was out of love or convenience.

    I had an LDR many years ago and this person was very special. To me, he is still very special. You can usually tell when you find the right person, because almost every day, you are reminded of how great this person really is.

    I decided to end the relationship, because as he got older, he started to get into alot of drugs, partying, and drinking. I saw hints of it early on, but ignored it. Eventually, it all became a part of the way he wanted to live his life and that's not what I wanted.

    Years after that, I finally found someone I am truly in love with, who happens to be a friend I knew living in my city. Even thinking about my long-distance partner, I still love him, but it never would have worked out. In your heart, you know what real love is.

    You've thought about this woman. You've already come to realize that you love her truly and she truly loves you, by becoming engaged. If the love is true on both sides, you will both do WHATEVER is in your power and sacrifice whatever needs to be sacrificed in order to be together. If the will is not there on BOTH sides, then the breakup is for the best, even though you both do truly love eachother.

    I am not saying that sacrificing a career is something that you would need to do, but if planning a life together does not have an equal give and take on both sides, it would not have worked.
     
  15. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    I'm willing to do whatever I need to, if that's what's required. If we can figure out where we want things to go on Sunday, I'm fully prepared to start looking for a job and a place to stay, as well as someone to take over my current lease. Even if it's working two minimum wage jobs to rent a closet somewhere, I'll do it.

    I don't know if I'll need to. I don't know if she'll even want me to.

    She sent me a message earlier, with nothing but an "I love you". I replied with an "I love you too", and a "Do you want to talk?", and all I got back was a "I think it would hurt too much"

    Fuck if I know how to take that.
     
  16. pbcustom98

    pbcustom98 New Member

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    if your willing to do anything for her....start looking for those jobs and a place to for you both to stay...
     
  17. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    if you didn't want to move to be with her it just means she wasn't important enough to do it or you didn't really love her. I was in LDR, 6.000 miles between us, we went through immigration process and got married. Yeah, it was hard, but it was worth it and no one had doubts that it was the only way to be together. You are saying it's impossible. It's not, you only say that because you don't really want to do it. And now that you lost her, you are kinda willing to change that. Too late to be bothered though, most likely it's just an attachment and fear of losing her is talking in you.
     
  18. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    Shortly after we decided to get engaged, I attempted to find a job paying a decent amount in the area. Since before we had even began the relationship, she had often told me that she hated living in Edmonton. I spent about three months sending in resumes, having phone interviews, and had several interviews when I went up to visit her. I even got turned down for a help desk position making $12/hr. ~11/hr USD isn't half of what I make now. At that point, she told me that she didn't think I had to move up there for us to make it, and that it wasn't worth leaving my career behind having to work a minimum wage job to barely make ends meet.

    It has come up several times since then - My own doing - and the discussion goes the same. I've never been unwilling to relocate, but upon the two of us discussing things it always ended up being shot down as an option. And until this point, neither of us thought it might be necessary for the relationship to survive.

    As for not loving her, or her not being important enough to me... Well, you're certainly entitled to think whatever way you like. I can't expect you to know what I feel, what actions I'm willing to take, and what lengths I'm willing to go through, as well as how everything has happened over the span of my relationship with her. But I have zero doubt about my love for her.
     
  19. Pepe

    Pepe New Member

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    honestly man, i can tell you have a good head on your shoulders. do what your gut tells you to do and you will be fine. again, best of luck with everything.
     
  20. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    must you give up so easily??? if you guys are as in love as you say you guys are then i don't see any reason why you guy can get through this. it's just an obstacle. finding someone who fits you so perfectly is not easy. people say that there are many fishes in the sea, but there are so little that are potential "the ones." if i were in your position, time, place, nor distance wouldn't be able to stop me. i would trade my situation for your's in a heartbeat.
     
  21. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    .

    To me, you never should have been engaged
     
  22. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    LDR's can be really difficult. From your posts it definitely sounds like you love her. I can only imagine the pain of not talking to her for a few days. I really hope one of you is able to make the move. She might be trying to protect you, asking you not to give up your career to move. I believe life comes down to priorities. If you believe you truly want to spend your life with her, than maybe you have to give up the job. If the security and money is something you need, then maybe you should not move. If you feel 'it doesnt work with her and you'll find love again', I would not suggest moving your life so far away for a love that is 'replaceable'. Again, make your choices based on what you NEED most in your life.
     

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