Fiance with low sex drive

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by dfnkt, Mar 13, 2007.

  1. dfnkt

    dfnkt New Member

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    Hey OT, thanks for taking the time to read this post. I am engaged currently to a beautiful girl (<3 her), was wondering about her low sex drive. Any help from the ladies would be GREATLY appreciated. Lately (Last 6 months or so) we only have sex probably 1-2 times per month. This was a drastic drop from before what was 1-2 times per week (even then not as much as I would like.)

    She has had some female problems (hormone imbalance, etc) that we have addressed with her OB who placed her on Yaz (birth control). The OB also said it was possible that she could have PCOS (poly-cystic-ovary-syndrome) as she has shown a few of the symptoms, but the OB did not perform a pelvic sonogram to confirm.

    I have asked her how many times she would ideally like to have sex per week, the answer being 4-6. I am also the only one who generally initiates the sex, and as of late every time I try she becomes agitated and informs me I always want sex and I try to force her into it. Any suggestions?!

    Cliffs: Fiance has low sex drive, I want to be compasionate, what can I/what would you do?
     
  2. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    how long ago did you get engaged? :hsugh:

    do you live together?
     
  3. julia!

    julia! New Member

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    Speaking from experience. if it's happening now it's going to continue. Anytime you want sex and they dont it'd always going to be the "you always want sex" youre either on the same page or youre not. The begining cant be a measure of how often as in the begining you have alot of sex then it fades away. Sorry.
     
  4. dfnkt

    dfnkt New Member

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    Engaged on her birthday last year in march, so 1 year and a few days, we do currently live together on our own, and have since we got engaged.
     
  5. dfnkt

    dfnkt New Member

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    I wasn't really thinking about the beginning as foreshadowing the future, I'm just saying that I believe there is a problem, whether it be hormonal or emotional, I'd like to be able to help her.
     
  6. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    has she gained weight? depressed?


    most likely, shes probably just bored with the current situation. :dunno:
     
  7. dfnkt

    dfnkt New Member

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    gained weight - yes a little, depressed - not that I am aware of. I just feel like we are really young, and shouldn't be going through this. And as far as the bored thing goes, that's very possible. How can I change things? I've tried doing/still do a lot of things for her, for instance, today she worked all day so I've picked up the house, done laundry, vacuumed, went and got my hair cut came home and shaved, I even gave her breakfast in bed this morning. All of this to no avail, no physical rewards (hugging,kissing,sexual, etc), and yet it is as if I never do enough. Really dragging my emotional outlook on the relationship down -- I've honestly questioned a time or two if this is REALLY who I want to be with for the rest of my life.
     
  8. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    I would say that it is NOT who you want to be with for the rest of your life.
     
  9. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    You need to do less, not more. Of everything. Your advances are putting pressure on her, meanwhile you are doing her all these favors which is like you are trying buy sex from her or make her feel obligated on a quid pro quo basis.

    Are you still dating her, or do you just hang around the house? Are you exciting or boring to be with?

    I dislike the widespread use of the term "sex drive" because it makes it sound like some mysterious force that changes for no reason. I know that some things can affect it (drugs), but usually, it's simply an indicator of the intensity of her feelings for you.
     
  10. dfnkt

    dfnkt New Member

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    We are engaged, the dating thing is VERY hard do to our work schedule, we work at the same place, on different shifts, on different days. It is generally 100 percent that if I'm at work say 9-6 then she will come in at noon and work until 9pm. This leaves very little time for having our own life, the last day that we had off together was....4 months ago. I would say i'm exciting, fun to be around, great sense of humor. Also with me doing her these favors, I want to feel appreciated and for some reason I see sex as something a women does for a few reasons, one of them as appreciation towards their SO

    edit: I agree with sex drive being and indicator
     
  11. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    That's good but you still are going to have a hard time if you can't do stuff together other than eat and watch TV. It's all about romance my friend. Predictability and routine are your worst worst enemies. How you correct that, I don't know; but you will have to correct it somehow if you want this to work. I do not think you are doomed, you just need a new angle.
    I know exactly what you mean, and in a previous life I would have agreed with you, but I think this is the idealistic view of the situation rather than the realistic view. Even if not consciously, I think she is likely to see you doing more and more as trying to get something out of her. Which, let's admit it, you are (and I don't mean that in a bad way, it's perfectly understandishable). You've got to just slow down and relax, think about what you did to attract this woman. The only thing stressing will do is create more stress.
     
  12. ledzep73

    ledzep73 New Member

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    Maybe you should try to get it so you can spend more time with her? I know works important, but if you haven't had a day to spend with her in 4 months thats shitty.
     
  13. dfnkt

    dfnkt New Member

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    What I did to attract her was the fact that she did everything except ask me out, I did nothing. I heard a rumor that she liked me, caught her looking at me a few times, so I asked her out, out we went, and here we are.

    Also, even if I had the ability to take her out and do something different every night or a few nights a week, we couldn't afford it. I make about $11,000 a year after taxes, she pulls even less, this is full time too, <3 my job :(

    edit: I know that it doesn't cost that much to go out, its just that with bills etc from living on our own and her going to school, there really isnt ever much left over when you start to think about it, after you pay this bill, and that bill, and then you see what you have for yourself, kinda depressing. I generally have $50 or so left out of my checks to last me for 2 weeks, this is after putting gas in the car.
     
  14. dfnkt

    dfnkt New Member

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    Yes I will do this as soon as I can, and have before, it's just that its such a stress to go do something where we live, the nearest movie theatre is 45 minutes away, and if you want to go shopping or something similar, 2 hour drive.
     
  15. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    You were a challenge and she had to chase you. That's good.

    You don't have to go out for steak and lobster. There should be some things you can do for free, even if it's just going for a walk in the park. It doesn't so much matter how you spend quality time together as much as the fact that you are getting that time, and you are enjoying each other's company instead of thinking about work or bills or whatever. It's relationship maintenance, like changing the oil in your car.
     
  16. dfnkt

    dfnkt New Member

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    a fresh idea :bowdown:

    We have some bikes in the garage, think ill break them out! Weather has been awfully nice the last few days ~73 today.
     
  17. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    Perfect!




    Make sure they both work properly if they've been sitting :hs:
     
  18. frpSpore

    frpSpore New Member

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    When you want it, bend her over and take it. She will get up to speed soon enough. If she resists, hold her down. I am not even remotely kidding.
     
  19. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    Thinking the same.
     
  20. fray

    fray New Member

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    Uh...unless she is pulling away and not wanting sex, then you're raping her. Great plan.

    Is she getting weirded out about regular physical contact? I've had relationships where the sex left, and it was just kind of a sign about the relationship. I was disgusted about being touched or anything. I just didn't want the guy near me. The hugging and romantic gestures were bad. I don't know if there was anything that could've stopped that cycle. I think it was just the relationship. I guess you should find out if she's there, or if it is just a hormonal thing.

    If she gained weight, she may not feel very attractive anymore. If that's the case, try to make her feel sexy without putting pressure on her to have sex.

    Why did she not have the ultrasound to see if she did have any kind of reproductive problems going on? Any change since going on the other BC and stuff?
     
  21. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    :werd:

    My wife and I go on dates frequently, and rarely do these dates cost much money.

    We took an hour long hike this afternoon before work.
     
  22. Kylar

    Kylar Just call me Proper

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    I know that you wont act on anyone heres advice, you have to make the decision that is right for YOU.

    Are YOU happy with your sex life? Is your fiance making ANY effort to help? Doesnt sound like she is doing much. Is this something YOU can live with for the rest of your life? All I ask is that you answer these questions for YOURSELF before making the mistake of marring this ice queen.

    My advice, move on and find someone that suits your needs. Dont settle for someone that doesnt. It the end you will have wasted years of your life being unhappy until you finally realize you should have listened to your gut feelings.

    My Ex was like this, only girl I have been with that had basically no sex drive(she has mental issues).

    Seriously I have had the best couple months since we broke up. Being with new girls that actually want you and are all over you FTMFW!
     
  23. 98formyws6

    98formyws6 New Member

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    if you have to ask yourself if you really want to be w/ her you shouldnt be engaged imo (not saying break up w/ her by all means)

    probably just take things a little slower
     
  24. Troy

    Troy New Member

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    WORD!
     
  25. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Put the money in an off-shore account or put the money in an account with ONLY your parents' names on it. If the account can be tied to you, she will get 1/2 of it when you get a divorce.

    edit - make sure you and your parents are on good terms so they'll actually give you the money if you need it, since being in an account with only their names on it you will have no LEGAL claim to it.
     

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