Fiance and Family...issues - cliffs

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by JBunni, Oct 12, 2009.

  1. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    Intro:
    Given the past reputation of posts on my threads, I dont exactly expect this to go well, but I need to vent.

    I'm not mad, just irritated about all this. I'm not sure if there is any advice to fix it, mostly just wanting to rant/write it out.

    Cliffs:
    Saying my fiance and my family (immediate) don't get along, is almost like saying water and oil don't mix. They can occupy the same container without exploding, but they don't blend together. Truthfully, I don't get along with my immediate family either. But, as much as I seriously seriously dislike them, they are still my family and I put up with them. Its just difficult to be in the middle sometimes.

    Details:
    I have a very pity/hate relationship with my mom. Sometimes I just cant stand how she is, and other times I just feel sorry for her. She is crazy, judgmental, and sometimes a bit racist. She expresses herself in the most irritating ways, and is SO easily manipulated by any 'authoritative' force. However, she is a divorcee with no real friends. She has a difficult time connecting with people. I also feel sorry for her because I'm leaving her alone to live with my sister.

    My sister is probably the most spoiled bitch I know. She is rude, nasty, and abusive. She cant keep friends very long because they see how she is and cant stand to be around her after a while. Even my extended family knows how insane she is, and doesn't like to be around her. (my family is puerto rican and very much into "family first")

    My fiance does not get along with either of them well. Especially not my sister, which I understand, like I said, no one likes her. The hardest part is when he doesnt get along with my mom. He's not outright mad at her, but its soooo awkward when we go out to eat or occupy the same car. He tries to be nice, but sometimes just resigns from the conversation and acts like hes not there. She tries to be nice, but sometimes she is in a judgmental mood.

    Most recently, I've been a little pissed at my mom. She says one thing, and acts another way. Shes done A TON for us, and I really am grateful, and she keeps offering to do stuff. However, she has TWO working microwaves in the same kitchen. I had asked her for one a few weeks ago, and thought she said yes, because, she has TWO, AND ONLY NEEDS ONE. Apparently, I was wrong, she "paid for, and is therefore entitled to two microwaves". Which, I understand, to a degree. What I dont understand, is her offering us other things in the house, offering to pay for $600 couch and love seat, but FLIPPING when I asked to take the extra microwave.

    side note: we barely have anything. Our wedding shower bombed worse than hiroshima and we are scraping by with bills this month. My fiance just got into our new apartment, most of the stuff he was using in his old apartment was a friends and he couldnt take it with him. Again, we have next to nothing.

    Mom and I had a slight argument the other day (which wasnt made any better by my bitch sister in the back seat screaming that I am a moocher, and what does it matter I'm leaving in a month anyway). Since the argument, I am VERY reluctant to take anything from my moms house. (the extra folding table in chairs that is not in use at all, the coffee pot, neither mom nor sis drink coffee, or 1 of the 3 printers my mom has, or the microwave she has offered to loan us til we buy a new one)

    The worst is, when I'm upset at my mom for something like this, I'd prefer for my fiance to be the 'voice of reason', and tell me to let it go, or something like that, but he gets just as upset as I do, and the whole "awkward thing gets sooo much worse when hes mad at her.

    :o

    I'm sure I'm going to get the "you're selfish and immature" speech again, but perhaps we could keep them to the helpful tone this time?

    For the record also: My extended family loves my fiance. All my uncles and aunts have nick names for him, and they already treat him like part of the family.
     
  2. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    cliffs: My family and fiance don't get along.
     
  3. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    look, you know these people are difficult to work with so try to keep it as superficial as possible. Don't ask them for anything or depend on them. How old are you?

    I know what it means to be struggling financially, but its just not worth it. Sit on milk crates and use a cardboard box as a table if its going to keep you from getting into these situations.
     
  4. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    *sigh* might as well get the age issue out of the way now. I'm 20 and he's 19.

    I'm leaning toward this, but my mom acts like she wants to help, and then when she feels like it, she will hold it over my head.
     
  5. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    I really don't know what to tell you that hasn't already been said over the past few threads you've posted here. :dunno:

    I mean, just remember that any problem you are facing in your relationship NOW will be magnified by about 100 when you are married. So, imagine the issues you are having with your family now and that when you are married they are going to be much worse. Same goes for your finances. :dunno:

    ****

    There, I had to say that part, because, well it's the fucking truth and no matter how much you don't want to hear it, I think we'd be doing you a disservice by not giving you copious amounts of warnings. :mamoru:

    Anyway, your fiance needs to realize that these are YOUR battles. Like you said, he should be the voice of reason for you. It's not HIS place to be getting bitchy with your mom or your sister. He needs to respect YOU enough to do whatever it takes to cope with your family without creating more discord among them.

    In other words, he needs to focus less on the shit that annoys him and focus more on ways to keep the peace.
     
  6. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    Wow...your family and my family sound a lot alike. My mom sounds similar to your mom in the way of being judgmental and somewhat racist towards others.

    My wife doesn't like my mom much either cause of her attitude and being negative, and disrespectful. I tell you its hard...We moved away and its still hard and even harder now with the baby.

    My parents have done A LOT for us as well. My mom tends to hold it over my head too.

    And when I do get mad at my mom or dad or both I try to vent to my wife and it just gets worse cause she gets mad too.

    What I do is just keep the two of them distant now...Try and limit their interactions to either slim or not at all. Its messed up cause of the baby but my mom doesn't get it.
     
  7. Kyoko

    Kyoko New Member

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    Your mom has serious issues with co-dependency. It is impossible to grow up in an environment like that and NOT come out traumatized in some way. Get therapy before you even think about getting married. Think about your future children.
     
  8. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    So next time you think about asking for a favor, or acccepting anything from her, just ask "Is it REALLY worth it?"

    Obviously you are young and it would be nice if your parents could help you out a bit, but that doesn't change the fact that they simply aren't going to change, so the only thing you can change is how you deal with them.
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    This is a very similar thread to one you made in the Asylum in the past few months. I remember it because I can relate to the stress that comes with family accepting your future spouse. However, other than the sympathy I know you think you need and deserve, I'm still here to be the voice of reason and not coddle you.

    The facts are this:
    You are 20 years old and your mother, who you don't even respect, is paying $10,000 for your wedding that she doesn't even believe in, because you feel entitled to having a big wedding. You are broke and young, and instead of using your head and just having a small, modest wedding right now you are pushing for the big fancy day. On top of that, you are expecting her furniture and appliances. It doesn't matter if she has extra. I know in your young, selfish mind you feel "why don't I deserve that extra microwave?" BUT YOU DON'T. What have you done to deserve that extra microwave that she paid for?

    You know how your mom is. You already know that if you ask for something of hers for your new place she's most likely going to freak out on you. So stop assuming and stop asking.

    She doesn't get along with your fiancee because she doesn't believe in your relationship, therefore she doesn't feel she needs to accept and love him as her future son.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2009
  10. Gogoplata

    Gogoplata Guest

    real talk, imo
     
  11. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    anything my dad gives me is held over my head, which is why we paid for our own wedding. its why i have never taken money from him, why i have never taken anything "extra" of his.

    stop assuming you should get anything extra from your moms house. it might even be a good idea to stop accepting even when she offers. you are an adult, very soon to be married which means you should be able to survive on your own, not depend on your moms generosity to get you through.

    is it hard to move out on your own with no money? hell yes. but its the choice you made, so deal with it. life is full of situations like this so you should just get used to it.

    side note: what do you mean when you say your wedding shower bombed? people didnt buy you all the gifts you registered for? i seriously hope you mean something else....
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Considering there's almost no one (it seems) rooting for their marriage to succeed I'm going to guess it means ":squint: No one bought us ANYTHING we wanted!"
     
  13. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    which is exactly what i'm afraid of. something else she needs to know....no one is obligated to buy you a gift for anything wedding related. again, something you shouldnt assume you get or expect to get, but something you are happy when you do get them. its naive to think that your friends and family should buy you everything for your first house because you cant afford it.

    a friend of mine got married young and neither family had much money. my friend was pissed because she expected us friends and all of her extended family to offer to pay for things for the wedding. i was floored by her assumption that just because she decided to get married that the rest of us should forfit hundreds of dollars (that i didnt have at the time even) to make her princess perfect day happen
     
  14. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.
    :werd:

    :werd:

    My mom is exactly the same way and really, the only way to deal with her is to separate myself as much as I can and "love her from afar." I can't interact with her on a healthy mother & daughter plane and I had to accept that reality and change my thoughts and behaviors. Once I let go of the dream of having a real relationship with her and just moved on, my life became a shit ton easier. :hs:

    Like Antihero said, it's not worth it to accept any gift or favor from your mom cause she will never let it go. So really, just don't accept them. If that means you don't have furniture then oh well. Looks like you'll be sitting on the floor for a while. You'll be fine. And you'll be surprised at how resourceful you become.

    You can't change her or her behavior. You can only change yourself. You've got to let it go.
     
  15. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    So true. If I wasn't insanely broke for 2 years in college I wouldn't have learned a lot of things. My parents easily had the money to cover all my expenses, but never in a million years did I assume I deserved it just because they had it.
     
  16. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.
    My God. Absolutely. Now I'm so thankful that I was flat fucking broke when I moved out on a whim like I did. I learned so much about myself and how to get by that I NEVER would have learned otherwise.
     
  17. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    I remember the other thread. And this is slightly different. I know I do not deserve the stupid microwave. I am well aware that I do not DESERVE anything she has. My point is, she goes around offering stuff, and then 1 thing I thought she offered, she didnt. Given her attitude about helping most of the time, its weird that all of the sudden, its like I'm insane for even mentioning the EXTRA microwave.

    Also, we had talked about other things she could give/lend to us, and there was no problem. I didnt go asking her about what I could take.

    She "doesn't like" my fiance because she is judgmental and anyone who doesnt do things like her is :ugh:. Shes always been the same way with my dads family. She likes him well enough as a person, she just wishes we would wait til we were older to get married.

    No, I knew we weren't going to get that many gifts. I left the shower up to my mom to plan because she was bored out of her mind, and had been wanting to help. She chose most of the expenses for the shower. (where it was, cake, etc) It was suppose to be mainly a fun bbq with basically anyone who had known us. We had requested guests either bring a dish, or a gift (or both if they were so inclined). We had a almost 60 online RSVPs but no one offered to bring food. So my mom had it catered at the last minute. We invited over 150 people.(60 online, 100 typed invites, delivered in person) We assumed we'd have maybe 70 ish.

    10 people showed up.

    We had spent weeks planning it, I spent the whole morning setting up, my mother spent over $1000 on it. And only 10 people showed. Like I said, I knew we were going to get that many gifts, but I had hoped that people would at least come to 'party'.

    Dealing with my mom is difficult, but I feel I cannot just leave her. I know I can't have a regular 'mother-daughter' relationship with her. Also, I didnt mention this before, but 'gift giving' is how she shows she cares. Shes not really good at it any other way (my grandma was similar). If I dont accept gifts she offers outright, then she thinks I'm mad at her. She doesnt have many friends. She doesnt have 'girls night' with any of her 'friends' and she doesnt get invited out to do things with her 'friends'. Most of her recreational time is either by herself or with my sister and/or I. And I know she will need a sanity break from the devil that is my sister every now and again.
     
  18. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    2nd'ed. that part about a cardboard box for a table and sitting on milk crates wasn't made up.


    Thats what my first place of my own was like for a while, and it was definitely a place where I had some of the best times of my life.
     
  19. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    I never heard her say she deserved the extra microwave.

    I ask my mom if I can have/use things that she has around the house and she isn't using pretty often even though I haven't lived with her in ~7 years. IMO if it's not being used and I can put use to it, why not? Nothing wrong with asking, but the TS shouldn't be put off if her mom says no...it is the mom's microwave, but it is silly to keep a second microwave.
     
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Just because she didn't say "deserve" doesn't mean she didn't think it.

    This entire quote clearly implies she feels she's entitled to the second microwave just because she's broke and the mom has a second one.

    You always protect this girl, and I'm starting to wonder if it's because you are very similar. Again, doesn't matter if no one seemingly needs a 2nd microwave. Unless she (mom) offered it to her, she doesn't deserve it; and JBunni says she never offered the microwave.

    You let your mom spend $1,000 on a fucking shower? I mean jesus, this is why I have a hard time having sympathy for your stress. Unbelievable. And don't say you had no choice and couldn't convince her otherwise :squint:
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2009
  21. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    :werd: :rofl:

    You are spending so generously when you are in need of money for buying a microwave! If you really want to play the married life at this age, you at least have to know how to manage your money.
     
  22. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    I have learned not to tell my mother where she should or should not spend her money. I told her a small picnic shelter with some tables would be fine, she insisted on upgrading to an indoor, air conditioned 'shelter'. I didnt want her to cater it, but we didnt see another way.

    Although, I feel sorry for her, my mother is a grown woman. If she chooses to fitter away her money, that is her business. (also, this is not NEARLY the most frivolous thing she has spent her money on) You can call me immature and selfish all you like, I've been beaten down too many times to go sticking my head in that business.

    Another thing, how the hell is it my fault SHE chooses to spend HER money? I wasn't even planning on having a shower, but she insisted. Honestly, everything 'bad' in my life cannot possibly be my fault as you assume it to be. I'm not saying I'm an angel by any means, but you don't have any sympathy for someone who was abandoned by over 100 friends?

    You sit mighty high on your horse. I hope no one treats you in your time of 'distress' like you treat me.
     
  23. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    I would also like to make it clear, that I CANNOT CONTROL MY MOTHER'S SPENDING. I am not generously spending. I could ask her to cut a check instead of gifts, she wouldn't. I could ask her to spend on more 'important' things, but then I would be acting 'entitled' or 'picky' and she would say okay, and never follow through with it. How do I know, I've been there. My mother doesnt want someone telling her how to live her life or spend her money.
     
  24. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    I deserve to miserable because my mom chooses to be who she is, and its my fault that I cant change her???
     
  25. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    She's projecting her issues with her sister onto you. :mamoru:

    The thing about the microwave is that you DO have this sense of entitlement about it. You figure, hey, she's not using it, she should give it to *me* because she gives me everything else (even things I don't need).

    That's the definition of entitlement.

    As you get older and get out on your own, you *should* start moving away from that sense of entitlement and into a sense of independence (making it on your own steam).

    The thing that "worries" (for lack of a better word) me is that you are struggling with finances AND you have family issues. Those are the top two causes of divorce (you realize that right?)

    I don't mean to keep harping on the same shit, but, damn, if you can't be persuaded to to postpone this wedding for a while, at the very least realize what you are doing and take care of the individual issues. Namely, your finanaces. Do you have a plan for how finances will be handled when you are married? Do you have a budget?
     

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