SRS Feeling Underappreciated

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by kort2885, Jan 22, 2008.

  1. kort2885

    kort2885 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2007
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    So my fiance and I have been together for a little over 3 years. I love him to death. I would do anything for him but I don't think he would do anything for me. Affection is really important to me when it comes to relationships. I need someone to SHOW me they love me instead of just telling me. He is terrible at this. He never holds my hand, puts his arm around me, kisses me, or anything. I'm not asking him to be all over me all the time because obviously that would get annoying. I've told him a few times that I wish he would be more affectionate but he just says ok and never really changes anything. Also, he is always telling me things I don't do or things I do wrong ("you never do the dishes, clean the house, walk the dog, etc) but he NEVER tells me anything good about myself. I'm lucky if he even tells me he loves me most of the time. I KNOW he loves me but I wish he would act like it a little more. Sometimes I worry that he could be thinking "how did I end up with her". I guess more than anything I just wanted to vent a little, but does anyone have any advice on how to get him to show me he loves me more and stop pointing out the bad things all the time?
     
  2. Kirbys Autumn

    Kirbys Autumn Mrs. Kirby McSpic

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2006
    Messages:
    1,216
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Miami Beach, FL
    Do you show him the same amount of affection you would like? You need to communicate with him. Let him know what's bothering you. Shouldn't you be thinking about this before he became your fiancee?? I mean a fiancee is someone who you're getting married too...Can you honestly say that you can live with him for the rest of your life. Truly loving someone for who they are, flaws and all, is not the same as loving someone for who they can become. So, please talk to him and get this situation fixed right away.
     
  3. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Love is a verb in my opinion. Knowing is not enough, you must be willing, willing is not enough, you must do. Clearly being passive, timid and meek about expressing yourself hasn't shocked him into the reality of the relationship.

    You can't change who he is obviously, but you can set definitive boundaries by changing yourself and tell ing him how you feel. When you change, others are forced to adapt or they're forced to leave. Here are some basic outlines of how you could approach it:

    You: You know I love you, and I express it in a different way than you, right?
    Him: Yeah.
    You: And I know you love me and you communicate that in your own way.
    Him: Right.
    You: I feel disrespected and unhappy when you say, A,B, C, or don't say A,B,C
    Him: (Either he'll listen or he'll defend himself)

    If he listens, continue:

    You: From now on I will not tolerate being told A,B,C, nor feeling neglected and that is my boundaries.
    Him: Ok, I didn't realize. Blah blah.

    If he defends himself:

    You: I'm really not interested in explanations, I feel how I feel, and from now on I expect to be treated like This, This and This. I will not tolerate disrespect from anyone, but especially from the man I love.
    Him: (If he gets pissed and starts yelling or arguing, walk away, if he just accepts it great)

    And at the end:

    You: Oh and another thing, Love is a verb. I expect to be shown affection, and told I'm loved. That's the bare minimum, and I won't accept anything less.
     
  4. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2007
    Messages:
    6,154
    Likes Received:
    0
    Man, i can't believe people run into these kind of issues. Any relationship i've ever been in it's always been over-appreciative.
     
  5. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2005
    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    0
    You know, that sounds a lot like my situation, only the situation is reversed. Being the oldest in her family, my wife had grown up being accustomed to barking out orders and running the family... they weren't a really lovey-dovey type of family either so they didn't share a lot of nurturing, huggy type positive reinforcement as well.

    So that's kind of crossed over into our relationship... she sometimes crosses the line in terms of barking out orders to me and there are some periods where she's not affectionate enough for me as well.

    I think part of it involves understanding -- I know it may be because she's tired and frustrated from work. I know perhaps she's just so used to taking the leadership role in her own family she's assuming the same role in our relationship.

    The other part just involves regularly discussing this with your partner. There have been a few times where I've just put my foot down and said "Look, I feel I need more respect...I'm willing to do A, B, & C, for you, but you do need to ask me in a way that treats me like an equal partner" You just need to make yourself heard once in a while. Know when to push back when you need to.
    As far as the affection goes, well...I'm still working on that myself. :wiggle: I've come to learn that my partner is more affectionate under different conditions, but when I really pay attention to the details I can see she shows me she loves me in many other ways.

    I think if you're looking to change his character (e.g. needing him to hold your hands when maybe he may not be comfortable showing public affection for instance), this may be a difficult thing to do overnight if ever at all. But talk it out, and be careful not to let this eat away at you so that it builds into ugly insecurity.
     
  6. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2006
    Messages:
    7,000
    Likes Received:
    4
    have you gained weight or stopped wearing make up around him?

    Spend a little time on yourself and he'll notice, or he'll notice the looks other guys give you hah. That'll bring him around.
     
  7. kort2885

    kort2885 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2007
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    I've actually lost some weight. I'm pretty much always conscious about what I look like so I almost always wear make up. I once asked him what he would think if some guy was hitting on me and he said he would laugh. So he's obviously not the jealous type.
     
  8. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2007
    Messages:
    6,154
    Likes Received:
    0
    Or the caring type


    Run.
     
  9. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2007
    Messages:
    6,154
    Likes Received:
    0
    But then again, lot of girls like a man who doesnt care
     
  10. kort2885

    kort2885 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2007
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Not me...I want him to be jealous. But no guy has ever actually hit on me so I don't know for sure what he would really do if someone did. I turn 21 next month so I'm sure I'll find out once I'm able to go to the bars.
     
  11. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2006
    Messages:
    7,000
    Likes Received:
    4
    I'm not really the jealous type but if I see a guy thats getting a bit friendly with my girl I make my presence known.

    This is instinctual for most.
     
  12. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2007
    Messages:
    6,154
    Likes Received:
    0

    Right, instinctual for EVERYONE, whenever any man hit on any of the girls i've dated i've always made it blatently obvious to go the fuck away..


    Some girls like that, some girls dont..
     
  13. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ditto, and if they try to pull that pick-up artist shit with me trying to "disarm the obstacle", then I get mean. I know my own game.:eek3:
     
  14. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2006
    Messages:
    7,000
    Likes Received:
    4
    @ 6'5'' 240lbs I don't have to do much but stand there

    my girl calls me her "silverback", I guess also to note on my primal instinct.
     
  15. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

    Joined:
    May 29, 2000
    Messages:
    49,189
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    This explains it all. This is the first real relationship for both of you and you guys are too young to recognize when things are over. This guy is giving you plenty of signs that he is no longer into the relationship but you are not experienced enough to see them.

    This is why people always say not to get married/engaged so young. You are obviously not happy here and you are settling for this guy because you haven't experienced anything else. I bet if I asked you why you are with him you would just give excuses like "I love him" or "we've been through so much together". Loving someone is not a reason to stay in a relationship, you can still love him and care about him after you break up. And you will go through lots of things with lots of people in your life, that's still no reason to be with someone when you aren't happy. This guy is not going to change once you get married, things will only get worse.
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    :werd: again

    Your advice is spot on tonight my friend.
     
  17. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    I find it sad that people get so far and deep into a relationship when something as small as "he doesn't show me affection" and "he doesn't show me any appreciation" are not small insignificant things at all! They are actually the kinds of things that can make or break a relationship.

    When someone in a relationship craves and needs affection to feel loved and the other SO knows that but reciprocate it that's not necessarily their fault...but no one should be expected to change these things about themselves. You're just different from each other in that way. However, either they love you enough to work on it, or they don't.

    Sounds to me like you are settling because he's your first real love and you are young. I know you'll battle this fact to the ends of the earth, but it still has to be said. You need to really sit him down and talk about what's bugging you.

    He could be completely oblivious to the fact that he's unappreciative of you...or he could know and really not be into the relationship anymore.

    Edit:
    Yikes, after reading this comment of yours in the "moving in with my gf" thread it's pretty apparent you guys are having issues. You need to have your own life. Living together with your SO does not mean you are together all day everyday. He might be getting sick of you. You have to have hobbies, a job, a life of your own outside him. This may definitely be why he's lost a lot of affection. You guys really need to talk.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2008
  18. kort2885

    kort2885 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2007
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    I actually think you're jumping to conclusions. First of all, this is not his first relationship. He dated a girl for about a year before he started dating me. Oh and I posted something else in the forum about being afraid to move in together that will clear up a little bit too. Also, I never said I thought he wasn't interested in the relationship anymore. He asked me to marry him, and trust me, he's not the type of person to ask someone to marry him if he wasn't interested anymore. He knows what he wants and doesn't want, and if he doesn't want something, he says so. All I was originally trying to get at was that I wish he would be more affectionate. And I guess maybe I should have said this before, but the reason he always points out that I never clean up the house or anything is because I don't. So he's absolutely right about that. It's not completely him that's the problem. And I've actually just realized this over the last few days since I started this. So I decided to make a change in myself. Tuesday I washed and folded all of the towels, did the dishes, took out the trash, and cleaned the bedroom. He was thrilled. Doing that actually made him more affectionate towards me. So I think I figured out that the reason he seemed like he didn't care as much is because he was probably upset about always having to be the one to do everything around the house. I would be upset about that too if I were him. Someone earlier asked if I was showing him the affection that I wanted him to show me. And the truth is, I wasn't. I can't be upset at him for never holding my hand or hugging me or anything if I don't do it to him either. So yesterday I wanted to try that out. I left a short I love you note for him to find before he went to class. Even just that helped a little. So I think I need to work on changing myself, and most likely this will help the situation. I don't want people to think that I'm trying to change him. I love him more than anything. I just want the relationship to go back to how it was when we first started dating. But I know that relationships don't stay in the phase where everything is new and exciting. But it would be nice if they could.
     
  19. kort2885

    kort2885 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2007
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Oh and also, you guys are right. I do need to sit down and talk to him about it. It's hard though, because talking about his feelings is not one of his strong points. He didn't grow up in a household where they communicated and shared their feelings and stuff. But I will talk to him about it because communication is one of the most important things in a relationship.
     
  20. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Here are two resources I think you and your boyfriend can read. Print a copy out for each of you, sit at the table, read them. Then discuss things using the information you learned. This will help you both communicate, while also setting appropriate boundaries.

    Boundaries - HERE

    Communication - HERE
     
  21. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

    Joined:
    May 29, 2000
    Messages:
    49,189
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    :rofl: I knew you'd say something like that. High school relationships are not real relationships, that means nothing.

    No you didn't say that, the rest of us can see that from your post. He would laugh if a guy hit on you? That's not what a guy that's really into you would do. Why exactly would he be laughing? Does he think you aren't that attractive so the idea of a guy actually wanting to hit on you is a complete joke to him?

    Well that's good that you are doing something about yourself instead of just putting all the blame on him.

    Things like this are why all of us say that these young relationships are destined to fail. You haven't had enough experience to understand how relationships go. You assume that things will just be happy and fun forever without any work involved and that's just not the way things go. You have to be realistic about things. It takes a lot more than just love for a relationship to work.
     
  22. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2003
    Messages:
    15,474
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Socal
    dont try to make him jealous. thats just childish.

    why dont you plan a date for him for saturday? line up a restaurant and maybe a fun thing to do after. then while on the date suggest that it should be a weekly thing and he should plan it next time.

    my gf and i still go on dates after 3 years now. i plan the 1st friday every month and she does the 3rd. rules are person planning the date has to set everything up and it has to be outside somewhere.

    :dunno: give it a shot?
     
  23. kort2885

    kort2885 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2007
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    He would laugh if a guy hit on you? That's not what a guy that's really into you would do. Why exactly would he be laughing? Does he think you aren't that attractive so the idea of a guy actually wanting to hit on you is a complete joke to him?

    He says he would laugh but I don't know that he actually would if we were really in that situation. I honestly think he said it just to mess with me. I actually have been hit on before and he walked up and put his arm around me. So I mean he probably would at least do that. I wouldn't want him to come over and start a fight.


    Things like this are why all of us say that these young relationships are destined to fail. You haven't had enough experience to understand how relationships go. You assume that things will just be happy and fun forever without any work involved and that's just not the way things go. You have to be realistic about things. It takes a lot more than just love for a relationship to work.[/quote]

    Our relationship is not destined to fail. It's hard for me to explain it to you because you're not there when we're together. I know you think that I'm just being naive, and I don't blame you. But I can tell that he loves me and that he wants to be with me. I have no way of convincing you of that because we don't know each other so you don't know anything about our relationship other than what I've told you. I really do appreciate your input though. And I will keep it in mind. But I'm not going to end it just because you think it's destined to fail.
     
  24. kort2885

    kort2885 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2007
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Oh I would never try to make him jealous. You're right that would be childish and it would probably just get us into a fight.

    The date idea is really good. The problem is that we really don't have the money to go out every week. We live on our own and are both in school so it's hard to come up with the money to go out a lot. But I'm sure we could figure something out. Or I could cook him dinner and we could go eat it in a park or something. Thanks for the idea!
     
  25. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    So play cards, or a board game together. Do a crossword puzzle, play chess, make a special dinner with things from your freezer and cupboard that you usually don't use. Read a book to each other.

    The list is huge for things you can do at home together on a cheap budget.
     

Share This Page