Feeling too guilty

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Toxica, Jul 16, 2009.

  1. Toxica

    Toxica New Member

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    Well I have this problem with my guilty conscious. I tend to feel guilty about the littlest things that I shouldn't even feel guilty over, and it's really annoying. I just have this tendency to tell my current SO everything that is involving another guy. I mean everything. If a guy hits on me during the day, I tell him. If I think another guy is attractive, like a coworker, then I let him know. If I don't then I feel really guilty over it, and I feel like I'm hiding something.

    I think this all started because of my ex-boyfriend. I dated him for several years and he got jealous over everything.Even if a guy checked me out, he would get pissed at me, like I did something wrong. So during the course of our relationship, I had this constant need to let him know anything that involved another dude. I mean anything. Even if it was something that I had no control over, like a sexual dream about another male. He would make me feel guilty about anything, so I felt that I had to tell him. If I didn't, he would blow up and call me a cheater and yell at me for "hiding" things away from him. Then I'd feel bad. Before him, I never felt like that. I didn't have much of a guilty conscious. I never cheated, so I never had a conscious like that.

    Well, unfortunately, this is carrying over to my new relationship. I feel like I have to tell him everything. He usually brushes it off. Like if I tell him that a guy hit on me, he doesn't get mad, he just gets flattered that he has a hot girlfriend that gets hit on (or at least that's what he has said lol). He doesn't really get jealous. I have a child with my ex-boyfriend, so have to talk to him sometimes (in person or on the phone) and see him every once in a while. Not because I want to but because I have to because of our kid. The only time my current SO has gotten jealous was because I have to contact my ex. Other than that, he doesn't really get mad over anything because he trusts me.

    I feel that I might end up pushing him away or something, by always bringing up these petty things with guys. I tend to get hit on just about every other day, and so I'm like always bringing this crap up when I'm on the phone with him. I'm sure anyone would feel annoyed hearing their SO talk about shit like that all the time. But like I said, I just feel guilty, like I'm hiding something. So I feel a need to tell him everything, even little things.

    I understand if I actually cheated, but I don't. So I shouldn't feel this guilty over small things. I have too much word vomit. How do I stop? :( I don't want to ruin a good relationship.
     
  2. more off

    more off Moderator

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    you shouldn't be feeling guilty over things you have no control over
    but i can understand why you would after years with a jealous boyfriend.

    just be open with your man about it and ask him if he even cares to hear about these things.

    i personally think it's flattering to hear about a gf getting hit on
    but at the same time he might also think you're TRYING to make him feel jealous by constantly bringing up these events.

    idk just my two cents
     
  3. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    I honestly don't understand your problem. What is so hard about not telling him if someone hit on you???!!! you know he does not care so just stop bringing it up! your ex was a VERY crazy guy obviously to get offended by that.
     
  4. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    You said you shouldn't feel guilty, but are your thoughts about men co-workers inappropriate? Do you have a problem with how the other men look at you or talk to you?
     
  5. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    some people tend to be more prone to having a guilty conscious than others. You might be more prone. Also the past relationship probably contributed to it some. And moving forward, quit fighting it. Just reading what you wrote I get the sense that you want to rid this instantly and it is a problem you shouldnt have. Being around people unlike your ex, not fighting it and being upset over it, and just plain old time should resolve it.


    you are a little upset or angry or confused about this issue right?

    Venting here probably helped a little too i bet. feel free to continue to do so.
     
  6. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    If you dont stop telling him it may push him away, in fact it may and probably does come off as you simply seeking attention or trying to incite jealousy, so you need to grow a little.
     
  7. more off

    more off Moderator

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    agreed.
     
  8. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Can't get mad over a dream.

    I have had the WEIRDEST FUCKING DREAMS of a sexual nature that made no sense and would gross me the fuck out IRL but in dreamland anything goes, I guess.
     
  9. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    me too and I am somehow ashamed of them, but I guess every one has these dreams:noes:
     
  10. Toxica

    Toxica New Member

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    Nah, they aren't really inappropriate. I feel guilty because I have to see my coworkers on a daily basis and be around them, so I feel I have to tell him that I think someone is attractive because of that, I guess. If not, then I feel too guilty.

    Now do I have a problem with how some men talk to me? It depends on how they approach me. Sometimes it's annoying and sometimes it can be flattering.
     
  11. Toxica

    Toxica New Member

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    Well I've already told him that I tell him these things because I have a bad guilty conscious. I've tried to explain it to him. I'm just afraid he's going to be like "This is getting old. I'm tired of hearing this crap."




    Thanks. That makes sense.
     
  12. saosko

    saosko OT Supporter

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    I feel bad for your kid.
     
  13. JamesL

    JamesL wat

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    He probably will be just like this.

    If my gf was telling me about guys hitting on her every other day, I would either tell her to keep it to herself or I would start thinking about moving on.

    You need to look at this from your bf's point of view, too... instead of just yours. You are telling him these things because it is hard for you to keep them bottled up. But you are being selfish, disregarding your bf's feelings, just so you don't have to feel "guilty".
     
  14. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    Well I would pretty quickly. Especially since now my subconscious would be thinking you are getting excited about every single guy that checks you out, etc....
     
  15. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    so if he can't handle it, then it is better off for him that she quits mentioning all this? i dont think so. You need to go through a healing process (or changing) so that you do not have this problem in the future.


    tell me how it is fair for YOU to strain yourself by holding the thoughts in? If he does not like it then too dam bad for him, he will have to move on. If he really liked you he probably does not mind at all that you do that and actually hopes that it will help you get over it. He obviously does not act like your ex did right?


    I think it is complete bull shit to sit here and say that you need to hold the thoughts in so you can ease the worry of him thinking "this crap is getting old"


    I personally would not leave, and there are guys that won't either. I have complaints and quirks just like any living person should have. If I have to worry about not expressing myself in any negative way just to benefit my SO then I am now making my own life shit by holding it in and for what? Someone that is not going to put up with it to begin with? Fuck that.

    There are people out there willing to. I think if you are really worrying to the point of it bothering you, then you are probably a lot more up tight or something around this guy and he may not like that either. If you continue expressing your self and he leaves, no need to worry, there are seriously billions of other guys in the world. Give yourself a little credit, because you are just as valuable as anyone else. If the guy does not think so then there is someone that will.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2009
  16. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Tell your boyfriend what you just told us, and see what he says.
     
  17. SleepyDay

    SleepyDay New Member

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    "Well, unfortunately, this is carrying over to my new relationship. I feel like I have to tell him everything. He usually brushes it off. Like if I tell him that a guy hit on me, he doesn't get mad, he just gets flattered that he has a hot girlfriend that gets hit on (or at least that's what he has said lol). He doesn't really get jealous. I have a child with my ex-boyfriend, so have to talk to him sometimes (in person or on the phone) and see him every once in a while. Not because I want to but because I have to because of our kid. The only time my current SO has gotten jealous was because I have to contact my ex. Other than that, he doesn't really get mad over anything because he trusts me."

    You pretty much answered your own question, he trusts you, you trust him right? Isn't that what it's all about? I mean if he's brushing it off, it must not be bothering him, huh?

    You worry too much.
     
  18. JamesL

    JamesL wat

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    That is exactly the point. He will move on. I assume the threadstarter made this post because she was worried she is going to lose her SO due to these issues.

    It is not that he "cant handle it", either. If he flipped out the first time she mentioned anything about another man, I could see where you are coming from. But she is bringing things up ALL THE TIME. I don't care how cool a guy is about other men hitting on his gf, if he hears about it EVERY OTHER DAY, he is going to get sick of it.

    That she has to "go through this healing process for yourself... and he needs to understand that you need this for yourself... and if he doesnt like it, well that's too bad!" is complete and utter horseshit. Your advice is going to leave this woman without a boyfriend.
     
  19. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    :rofl:

    Agreed.

    I just think she needs to tell her boyfriend exactly what she told us. And go from there. And work on this and get therapy/counselling for this.
     

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