SRS Feeling hopeless

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Nite_Lilly, Dec 28, 2009.

  1. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2009
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    0
    Holidays suck after you get divorced.:wtc:

    And if that's not bad enough, my ex is hassling me over some stuff he thinks he's still entitled to from my house. He's also bad-mouthing me to our son, telling him lies about me. I could reciprocate, but that would make me as bad as he is. I don't know how to counteract the damage he is doing to our son.

    It just is not getting any better with the passage of time! I'm still heart-broken, disillusioned and feeling unmotivated and hopeless. I can't sleep or have nightmares when I do sleep. Nothing seems to help.
     
  2. crunchy_black

    crunchy_black OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2005
    Messages:
    3,747
    Likes Received:
    0
    What kinda stuff is he saying?
    How olds your son?
    How long u been divorced for?
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    If they are minor things and if they are really his you might consider sending them by post to him. Don't let him get near your son, if he complains tell him because you are bad mouthing about you against your son. Maby a restraint order would do wonders.
     
  4. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2009
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    0
    He tells our son [a teenager] that I make dumb financial decisions and that I'm greedy. He puts all the blame for our divorce on me. He's 'just' an innocent victim who 'couldn't help' but find another woman.
    We've been apart for two years.
     
  5. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2002
    Messages:
    97,171
    Likes Received:
    76
    Location:
    Republic of Dallas
    I grew up with this shit and was able to see through the games at about 10-years old. Any chance the kiddo can see through the games?
     
  6. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2006
    Messages:
    32,407
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OKC
    :hug:

    Ya know, it can be so frustrating and hurtful when people tell lies about us, mischaracterize things we say/do and generally try to run us down to other people that matter in our lives. It's insidious because we know the truth and we know that person is simply telling lies.

    Rise above it. Don't play the same games as your ex. Take the high ground and don't stoop to his level.

    Your son will be able to discern for himself what is true and what is false. Even if he's too young to know right now, he will be able to do this as he grows older.

    It's unfortunate that exs can be so thoughtless and uncaring as to the effects of their words. It's as if there was never any love to begin with.

    No good can come from repeating his patterns and/or trying to counteract them. The only good plan is to not play the game. That is a choice you can make.

    In AA we have to deal with a lot of things we've done in the past as we're trying to clean up our lives. We have a saying that really seems to apply here and it is...."What other people think of me is none of my business." Because we simply can't control those things.

    Hang tough. Holidays make everyone go bat shit crazy but they're almost over.
     
  7. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2009
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    0
    I hope so, in time, but not yet. He sometimes confronts me about things his father told him, asking me for my explanation. I try not to say too much or get too defensive, or throw accusations back onto his father, but it's really hard to know how much is enough. I know my son already believes some of what his father told him years ago about me and our marriage, because I didn't defend myself against it at the time. Now it seems too late for those things. I feel my only option at this point is to let my actions speak for me.

    I'm trying really hard not to sink to his level, but waiting it out until my son can see through his father's manipulation is difficult on a good day, and murder when my son is with him for part of the holidays. It is very painful to know that he can be so vindictive; I really thought he was a better person than that. He is acting like our marriage had no love in it at all. And that tears me apart. My family was my top priority, and to have him demean it like this makes me feel like my life was pointless.
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Night lilly, i'll give you some important advice: Don't let people walk over you and get away with it, i've done it a long time, just be nice no matter what , while other people just walse over you, you don't have to become nasty but if you show that you allow people to walk over you, you just become a doormat, and thats a position you must not allow yourself to fall into. You can just say that daddy is having a bad time and doesn't think properly anymore when he says those things, so that he should just take it with a grain of salt. Its sad tho, i hope you two can work things out without everything having to become so nasty.
     
  9. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2006
    Messages:
    32,407
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OKC
    You seem to be coming from a place of fear and you seem to have very little faith in your sons ability to work things out on his own. I've had to work on my own fears over the years and one thing I've found very helpful is to take the focus off of what I'm fearing.

    If you have "written people off" in your life because they didn't live up to your expectations, you are likely fearful that your son will do the same to you. This is why forgiveness is so important in life.....forgive yourself and others for not being perfect. As I've grown, I've realized this is a universal principle and I ignore it to my own detriment.

    Ever been driving down the road and see something in the street and you think, "Oh I've got to miss that it looks like something bad." Then what happens, you stare right at what you want to avoid and end up driving right over it. What happened??? The entire time you were saying, "No I must avoid that, I must move, etc...." However you were staring right at the object you were trying to avoid. We drive where we look and the same thing applies in other areas of life.

    When your fears come up, lift your mental focus from those fears to what you want to occur. Focus on where you want to go. Focus on the kind of relationship you want to have with your son/ex. Focus on the fact that as humans we have an amazing capacity for working things out on our own. Focus on the fact that people have an amazing capacity for forgiveness.

    I hope some of this is hitting the mark.....am I close here or way off base?
     
  10. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2009
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    0
    :rofl:LOL yes, you are right on the mark! One of my favorite mantras is "What you fear, you create". I usually do better than this, but the holidays intensify my feelings of loss. I try to keep my fears from my son and I do trust his ability to work through the manipulations, but my ex can be very, very intense and persuasive. My protective maternal instincts surface at these times. BTW I have told my ex that I forgive him. He, however, told me that he's very angry and he'll never forgive me. He has been nasty and angry in almost all of his communications with me, which my son is unaware of. That's why I fear his influence on my son.
     
  11. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2009
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    0
    That's good advice. I'll try it.
    Thank you.
     

Share This Page