SRS Feel like my future is screwed...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by dubbsy, Oct 21, 2005.

  1. dubbsy

    dubbsy New Member

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    I will fore-warn you, this is long and probalby useless but I posted it anyway. A lot of rambling taking place as I just kept writing...wrap-up in the cliffs at the bottom. (I just saved it to a word document so I can read back on it later to try and organize my thoughts, and realized it was 5 pages long)




    Every time I look at what I think the next few years will bring, I feel like I"m screwed.

    I'm 21, in college (4th year now), with a past that formed me into something I never wanted to be... I'll get into that later...

    only child..

    Parents (because they're the ones I feel will fuck up my future)...
    Mom is creeping up on 50 and a progressively worsening victim of Muscular Dystrophy. 10 years ago she could drive, get up and down off the floor by herself, and overall perform pretty well (couldn't do stairs much)...but was getting weak. Today she's at the very limits of being able to get out of a chair by herself (and off the toilet, into/out of the shower, etc.). Most of the time my dad is helping her up.. Walking has become minimal at best, as I think the farthest she's walked at one time in months was from the parking lot into a resteraunt. I figure it's a matter of a couple years before she's permanently wheel chair bound (it's guaranteed really)...
    My relationship with my mom is mediocre at best, and all of that has to do with my past.. I'll get into that later.

    Dad will be 63 the beginning of next year and 'looks' health (other than being visibly overweight), but truth is...I don't trust his health any farther than I can throw him. He's already outlived his father by 12 years, his father a relatively healthy man who died of a sudden heart attack. My dad is quickly withering away, and as sad as it is, I wouldn't be suprised to recieve a call that he had passed away. He has ongoing health issues and he just won't take care of himself. My relationship with dad isn't bad... he's not the one behind my problems of growing up. However the older I get, the more I think my dad is, for lack of a better term, a bonehead. I used to look up to him (he was a 'car guy', and I have an automotive passion... but I'm starting to think a lot of the things I believed were bullshit, or atleast hyped up)... He's very bullheaded about things and it gets hard to deal with. Usually I just try to avoid confrontation.. (better add that he's never been in the least bit violent to anyone in my family)

    So issue #1...
    Like I say, I really am not confident in my fathers life expetency. (and every couple weeks it hits again... tomorrow he's going to get tested for a possible blood clot in his leg.. all it takes is a bit of a clot to start flowing and serious serious problems arise.) So if something happens to him, that leaves me to care for my mother... That means I'd be forced to drop everything and go home to take care of her...which leaves me working on a farm the rest of my life (..and lets just say that has been the farthest from my 'goals' in life). It'd be especially hard with the (lack of) relationship with my mother (and the fact that all of my life I've had to make that extra effort to help her do things any other mother could do herself. I feel like I've been taking care of her for years and I want to be finished with it).. I really can say I could care less.. There's no other family to take care of her as I'm the only child, 4 of her siblings are in the same position (and all 4 of them are worse off, 3 with MD and 1 with birth defects)and of the 3 remaining siblings, I don't see any of them dropping their lives to take care of her. Hiring someome to care for her is out of the question as my family has a hard enough time making ends meet as it is, and there won't be life insurance to take care of it (so at the very least I'd be forced to provide financially which would be impossible anytime in the next 5-7 years).


    #2....
    A week and a half ago we recieved a call from my uncle (fathers side)... backtrack 9 years, that was the last time we had heard from him. Last time we saw him was at my grandmothers funeral in 1994. We had basically given up hope and figured he was either dead or hiding out somewhere (he had supposedly been involved unknowingly in some drug running). Find out that he's not doing very well and has inoperable throat and lung cancer... in approximately 4 weeks he is flying up to our area to either stay with us or in an apartment locally. It's almost a guarantee that he won't be self-sufficient, so that leaves my father to provide for him... again, my parents have a hard enough time making ends meet as it is. And if something happens to my father, that leaves another person I'm forced to care for.



    So now you're probably going over just what a dick I am...not giving a shit about my family.. Truth is I'm numb to it all. I really dont' fucking care anymore it seems. I would have zero problem packing up and not talking to a single member of my family again. There's 1 person in my life that I would have any issue with leaving, and sometimes I think I'm even lying to myself about how much she means to me. I always said she meant the world to me but, sometimes I don't know. She's the only one in my life that I truly believe cares (although sometimes I have a hard time convincing myself of that). I really do wish I was closer to her, but it's hard because I have feelings for her that extend beyond friendship (which just adds to my general problem).



    So about my past... Second grade things started going downhill. I got to be the kid that got picked on on the playground every day. I became the mommas boy and went home and cried about it.. mom called parents (this is what killed my relationship with my mother. She was overprotective and I ended up going through hell).. the next day it was twice as bad.. I gradually just became a shut-in, put on a bunch of weight, and found myself either crying or beating my fist into the wall. Had one friend during that time, and he left in 8th grade. Went throughout all of grade school and junior high like that... I'd come home destroyed and spent all of my time in my bedroom alone. Never had a girlfriend, and never had a 'friend' that didn't seem to turn on me within a couple months (and even while we were 'friends', I never really trusted them). Last couple years of HS weren't AS bad as I started to tell myself that I could start over in college where nobody knew me.. During those years people started to back off, however I still took shit from a few people... Granted it wasn't nearly to the extent it was growing up, but by that time in life any little comment left me ready to break down... I don't know how many times I found myself doing 90 down the highway wishing I had balls enough to run the car in the ditch trying to wreck it... or the times i set on the stairs with a shotgun in one hand and shells in the other. If I wasn't in the position to kill myself, I was thinking about it. There were times I wanted to go party with some of my classmates, try and forget about the issues and enjoy life...but I've always been the perfect kid.. I've never gotten into trouble (and I'm just short of turning 22). Partying meant drinking, and drinking meant trouble...so I avoided it, it was in the way I was brought up.

    College came (And continues) and those previous 10 years formed me into exactly what I didn't want to be. To this day I'm anti-social... I won't go out unless someone else drags me, I won't initiate going out, and half the time when I do go out I half-assed try to get out of it. I never call people to go have lunch, meet up for something, or go out because I'm convinced they want nothing to do with me. If I do find myself in a crowd of people I'm either the quiet one in the corner or the loud annoying one...guess I'm just after some of the attention I never had in the last 15 years...and the next day I'm convinced those people now hate me. College is supposed to be such a great time, get to know all of these people. I've been here 3.5 years and I can probably tell you the names of everyone I've 'known'.

    My 'love life' hasn't been.. 3 'relationships' in these 3.5 years...first lasting maybe a month and the more I look back at it, the more I regret it (it would have been a perfect relationship for a couple 12 year olds, very childish). The second was maybe a month long that revolved around the bedroom, and I regretted it from the first night we were together.. The third lasted probalby 3 months and I put myself through hell.. (because I didn't trust her, because I figured she didn't really care, yet I let the relationship continue)... I tell myself that I want to be with someone, but I realize after looking back on my past 'relationships' just how immature I really am. I know I should just start dating, but remember, I won't take the initiative (I'm shy, and I think part of it is because I"m totally convinced people don't like me so I just avoid it). That's just one more part of me that really needs to mature (I realize it, but I'll never change it).

    I really don't know...
    I've always tried to be a good guy.
    And I still find myself getting depressed. The job I work at on weekends (farming, yeah, go figure) leaves me hours and hours to think and many times I've started thinking about my future and end up breaking down. I break down quite often from stress and other personal issues (and I still think about suicide quite often)...




    There's so much that I want to change in life...
    ..I need to lose my 'dependency' on my parents. I find myself back home every weekend and on the phone with them sometime during the week. I rely on my parents input for so much (hell even down to buying moderately priced items).. rely on mom to deal with a lot of my college stuff (finances, etc).. I need to find an apartment and start my own life away from them (I'm still living on campus...and I've never really felt like I've gone off on my own) and be totally self sufficient. Maybe in the end it'll change how I feel about them (it'll give me time to step back and look at my relationship with my parents.. they say when you move out your impression changes, and I've never felt like I've moved out [from under their 'control'])...
    ..I need to get healthy physically. I know if I lost some weight my non-existant self esteem would rise...and my current diet has me on track for dying at 30. I think my mental health would get better as well.. I'm always exhausted..I never sleep decently and I spend all day being lazy. I'm sure if I got healthy, things would change.
    ..I need to get out... start dating, try and meet new people...

    There's so much I know I need to change....but I've been telling myself that for years now and I have yet to do it. I get angry at myself about my physical health...tell myself it's changing....I start, but it only lasts until I'm done being pissed off. Same thing with my 'social' life.






    And yeah, this has gone over my alotted typing space.


    Cliffs
    I feel like my future is fucked:
    My social life sucks. I let my unhappy past form who I am now leaving me an anti-social self-esteem-less lump in the corner

    My relationship with my parents is mediocre at best. Parent's health isn't good with mom not being self-sufficent due to Muscular Dystrophy and dad just not being healthy in general. I know I'll be taking care of my mother sometime within a few years, and I want nothing of it. Also may be throwing an uncle who I haven't talked to in over 10 years into the mix, possibly leaving me to care for him. Doing this means dropping everything in my life to take care of people that I really don't care about.


    Looking at what I feel my life will be like in the next few years and I don't like any of it.





    and no, I'm really not expecting anyone to read this or even reply for that matter. I've been so close to writing this many times before, but it's always come when I've been depressed over something (or everything) and I just end up crawling up in bed and trying to go to sleep. So many thoughts that hopefully I can make more sense of on paper...
     
  2. Chicago

    Chicago Unleash The Dragon - Sexy Rexy For President

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    getting in shape will definetly change you. it results in a higher self esteem and after turning around your health you'll feel like you're on top of the world and prolly won't have any problems going out, meeting ppl etc.

    you say that you feel liek you haven't gotten outta the control of your parents, but it seems like you're partly doing it to yourself since you rely on them so much, and you go home every weekend. basically contradicting yourself.

    the way i see it, since you parents arentvery healthy, there's no sense in having hard feelings towards them, or distancing yourself from them. tomorrow you could wake up and they could be dead. then what? you can say now that you could care less etc, but im sure once they are really gone, you'll realize what a douche you were and that you could've made more of a effort to be closer to them. Or that they died thinking that their only child didn't give two shits about em.

    make the decision, do you want to be happy or sad the rest of your life? do you really want to change yourself, your health, your mind, your body? get off your ass and make something of yourself. you only got one shot at life, don't fuck it up.
     
  3. dubbsy

    dubbsy New Member

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    That's what I keep telling myself.. and like I say, it lasts for a couple days and then hits the shitter...

    agree 100%. I'm a walking contradiction... (add to this later).

    and I've looked at it that way.. I can see both sides to it, and when I sit back and think about it, I really don't feel like I give two shits. It's sad I know, but that's the way I feel about. I had to take a look at myself here a while back... I recently certified as a NREMT-B and was working a night shift with some paramedics. We got called to a code, worked it all the way to the ER (didn't make it). Afterwards I was talking to the paramedics and they both seemed bummed about it, and it didn't effect me in the least bit. None of the deaths I've worked have effected me, none of my family deaths have effected me (I lost an aunt to suicide a couple years ago and I really didn't care).. It's the way I feel about things, and I know I should feel like a complete asshole for feeling that way, but I just don't.


    Yeah, I'd like to be happy.. I can sit back, like right now, and be telling myself all of exactly what I need to do to be happy..
    Eat right
    Exersize
    Find a job
    Get out
    Lose my 'dependency' on my parents
    Manage my time (school, homework, and then a good job, social life, etc)
    [managing my time has been a killer lately.. I end up spending 90% of my time messing on the internet and never get things done...adds to the stress/lack of sleep and all...and it's the same thing, I know what I need to do to change it]

    ...but I always stray away from this big plan I have. Hell, I made it a week about 2 months ago... was eating right, riding bike for a couple hours each day.. and then just totally slipped. ..back to the same damned routine.

    ...or keep telling myself that I need to quit going home all the time and lose that 'dependency'.... yet when I'm done typing this I"ll be leaving for home.

    Basically I need someone looking over my shoulder to bitch slap me when I stray, because I always let myself do it (it's never conciously). Then a month later I'm looking at things and realize I just totally fucked it up again.
    Somehow I need to always be reminded of it.. somehow I need to always remember how I feel on those shitty days (when I'm telling myself to change).. I need something that constantly reminds me..


    Like I say, I didn't expect anyone to read it..

    And getting sleep isn't the issue (well behind writing this anyway, it's behind other issues). I actually wansn't 'pissed off' when I wrote this...



    think happy thoughts.... I wish it was that easy.
    To be 100% honest with you I don't remember the last time I was truly happy. If I'm out with someone I'm probably worried about them actually liking me or laughing behind my back (EVERY TIME I see/hear someone laugh, I figure it's about me... that's another thing that's stuck with me from growing up, because everyone was laughing at me). If I'm alone I'm thinking about all the shitty stuff in life...


    argh, I dunno. That is part of the hardest thing with this. I KNOW what I'm doing wrong and I KNOW what I need to change it. But I never do (or like I said, I just forget about it and end up straying from it.. my lifestyle has become a habit I guess and it all needs to change)...
    ...then when I'm in a clear head looking over it all I end up feeling like such a fucking idiot. I can lay it all out infront of myself, exactly what's wrong, exactly what I need to do, yet I can't/won't/don't make it happen.



    it really does sound so easy just sitting here... :hs:
     
  4. shankems2000

    shankems2000 If you read everybody's user text and location, yo

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    Where you fraid ta be at.
    You're 21 and a college senior. An accomplishment like that should have you "cocky" by now. Don't worry about the dependency thing, you'll probably wish you were still back at home when you get out of college, get a real job and have to support yourself, at least that's how I feel sometimes.

    As far as the social anxiety thing, you have to realize that people aren't going to plow through each other to be your friend. Maybe you think that nobody likes you because they don't do this. You have to force yourself to talk to people, even if it's just a "hay" to somebody you know from your bio class. Most people won't be so rude as to say "WTF are you doing? Fuck off", as you probably have it set in your mind that they will.

    Losing weight, eh, if you're happy with yourself inside, then your physical appearance won't matter. But, you say that you spend your days being lazy. What are you doing that isn't helping you reach your goals? Watching TV too much, online games, snacking after school and work until you fall asleep?

    This is something that my step father suggested to me: Get a deck of playing cards, and when you're watching TV, whenever a commercial comes on, flip a card and try doing that many push-ups or situps, what have you, before the show comes back on. I never did it because quite frankly I stopped giving a fuck about looking like Vin Diesel. But maybe you should try it. You're going to have to start to eat better too, because I doubt just working out will help alot. There is a fitness forum here, they can probably help you.
     
  5. dubbsy

    dubbsy New Member

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    I don't know about being 'cocky' about it. I know I should be happy about carrying a 3.5GPA and doing pretty well through college, but I really feel like I"m not working that hard to do it. I'm not carrying some 40 hour job along side of it like most people I know..

    See, I do usually say hi to those people. There are certain instances where I don't have a problem talking to people....but it's taking that elsewhere...and/or actually making a friendship out of it. Aquaintances are one thing, friends are another. Maybe it's more of the fact that I don't feel like I have anyone I can depend on, open up to, etc. Not close with anyone.. And the thing is is I could probably change that with some of these people, but I'm always convinced they don't want anything to do with me. (so yeah I could talk to these people every other day in class, but I would never ask them if they wanted to meet up for a beer, etc. Same damn problem I have with women... I can flirt like mad in certain instances, but I have yet to ask anyone out.)

    I've got the self conficence of a dead stick, seriously. I'm really not overweight by that much (I'm 6'4", ~255lbs and people wouldn't guess anything over probably 225-230), I just know it'd do a lot for the self confidence.
    I just sit staring at the computer all the time... surfing message boards. Hell I'll look at a board half a dozen times looking for new posts when there are none. Guess I'm basically addicted to the internet...
    I need to start putting homework first..
    ...unfortunately #1, homework quite often requires a computer (and the internet a lot as well)... I end up finding myself writing a paragraph for a paper then spending 2 hours surfing.
    ...if it doesn't require the computer, I'm at my desk next to my comptuer...and end up surfing.
    -going to try and get a laptop sometime soon, hopefully I can get myself out of my room and into one of the lounges away from the internet and other distractions.

    It's not so much about being some crazy muscle bound 3% body fat body builder...but I think exercise would do a lot for so many different aspects of life. (And if I could keep it up it might do a lot for my time management... instead of waking up and laying around doing nothing, go and work out, come home and be awake and ready to get things done...)

    I've browsed the fitness forum quite a bit (back when I made it the farthest trying to be healthy...like 5 days)...

    getting healthy is important to me though, especially in looking at my father. if I keep this up I'll have so many health issues down the road it won't be funny. (everything from diabetes to simple back problems from bad posture)



    but like I say, I need someone here to kick me in the ass...
    and a trainer to keep pushing me and keep me motivated...
    (I've seriously thought about a trainer, but I don't like the idea of buying a gym membership somewhere being TOTALLY out of shape like this)
     

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