SRS Feel like I am suffocating

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by brolli, Oct 22, 2006.

  1. brolli

    brolli OT Supporter

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    Right now I am 21 years old, and my parents are both around 70. I feel that they are so much older than me, that they have a very difficult time understanding anything that I am going through. At college, I consider myself one of the most tame people around. I don't smoke or binge drink and spend my time either studying, lifting weights, or practicing brazilian jiu jitsu (club president). In terms of socializing, I feel like a complete misfit and hardly have any friends to socialize with in the first place.

    I went home this summer to take a class at a different college (have not spent a long period of time at home since the very start of college), and my parents treat me as if I were 12 years old. I turn on the television for 1 hour before I sleep on my first day home and get a 2 hour speech from my dad on how my attitude is bad. He tells me that any true pre-med student spends 100% of his time studying, and absolutely anything else done is a waste of time. He then brings up weightlifting and tells me that the 4 hours I spend doing that each week is completely wasted. (He doesn't even know I do brazilian jiu jitsu, and I don't plan on ever mentioning it). I sit there in disbelief and tell him that I have alright time management from college, and am not nearly as wild as a lot of other kids. He yells and yells, and ignores anything I say no matter how composed I stay while I try to portray my opinion. I try to convince myself he doesn't mean it literally, but he makes it quite clear that he does. For the rest of the summer, I spent almost every waking moment in my room "studying" for a class that doesn't even count for a grade (only credits transfer). I would count down the days left until I returned to college, because living at home seemed like solitary confinement in a prison.

    I look at my parents and I don't see an image I want to follow. They are trying to raise me to become like them, but they don't have a good relationship with each other, and can not even relate to their own son. They have absolutely no friends and no hobbies except for watching television. I understand wanting the best for their son, but for Christs sake, I think they really are taking it overboard. I am sitting at college, not wanting to talk to them on the phone, and not wanting to go home during breaks. This on top of lonelyness, girl problems, school work/premed stress, really makes me feel like I am getting mentally drowned.

    I guess I want to know... what in all of your opinions should I be doing to deal with this?
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Well, like a radio that needs to be on the right frequency in order to hear music. Your parents and you need to be on the same frequency in order to communicate, if you want a proper conversation (then just for contacts sake) you need to think old fashionate and communicate to them as if it where late 30's. Its appalling but better then having a zero relationship with them. The contact that i had with my dad only improved when we had a simular interest which was computers, i advice you to try to find something simular in order to get along with your folks, same counts with your mother, what this is , is the same as what you see them enjoy doing everyday.

    I would just say to them, look you two are watching television everyday, and i wanna grow up just like you (as a joke of course) that's why im watching television.

    You don't have to regret it that your parents are old and cannot relate, my parents had children when they where very young. The result? My dad was always working to get his life on order, so despite his young age , i also didn't have much of a dad on him relationshipwhise, but as i said because of the simular interest my relationship with my dad is getting better, also loving them and helping them out without asking something in return, can improve the relationship significantly.

    Look your parents view is simple, they just want the best for you, keep on doing your best but you need to reduce the amount of hay on your fork. Your stressed out because you aren't having any fun and aren't social in your life, this leads to dissatisfaction and can really start eating you if it last. So my advice is , study hard during the weekdays, and have fun constructive positive experience during the weekends, go golfing to relax, goto the movies aka (fill in yourself what you enjoy)

    You have to step towards the people if you don't want to be alone, don't think something like auto-happyness exists, you have to understand that you are going to need to make an effort to be social. Chatting on-line is the lowest form of being social, but its better then nothing. Listening to comedy central on your winamp player is a great way to become more social, listen to comedy central 1 hour a day, and discover the wonder of how fun it can be to communicate if humor is involved. Start going out, and use this humor on other people, people like to be entertained for all the selfish reasons which isn't ok but hey if that is what it takes to get you company, sacrifices are needed in order to achieve things.

    Lonelyness isn't fun, but remember you are the one who makes the choice to be social. Action = reaction, as wel as no action = no reaction, so from that you can understand that it will take action from your side to start being social.

    So do an effort to forfill your mental needs, and try to go for stability and carve your life like a rough diamond into a beautifull shaped diamond like you want to be it. Cherish your parents, as 70 is past 3/4 of most people's life spans.
     
  3. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    It's clear that your parents have irrational expectations. I think there are some beliefs that I can pinpoint :
    1) A good student should always study.
    2) Time not spent studying is a waste of time.

    These 2 thoughts are perfectionnist to the extreme and not realistic at all. Dont worry if you don't fulfill these expectations, they're the one with the problem there. You should even care about anything they say/do that's related to that since you can't do anything about it.

    3) You have to be a good student and succeed.
    There's a positive thought about you. It's a bit irrational (the "have" part is an obligation, there's no other choice. It might explain a bit of the suffocation!). They want the best for you though, they just have irrational thoughts that make their expectations impossible to fulfill.

    All these ideas are also "black or white", there's no other choice. You're either a good student or a bad student, either you study all the time and succeed or fail because you do something else.

    So yeah, you can't do anything about that but to feel that they have expectations you can't fulfill because it's just plain impossible, don't feel bad for that. You can look at your parents though and try to find out some of their thoughts just like I did and make sure that you don't have the same thoughts.
     
  4. brolli

    brolli OT Supporter

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    In terms of communicating with my parents and finding the same interests thing... I am not sure if I really even want to have any more communication with them beyond superficial things. And I agree with you andrew, I feel that they are being completely unreasonable and although I know this deep in my heart, it is also quite difficult because they are my parents and without them I don't exactly have anybody to talk to comfortably about anything.

    edit: Meaning currently I do not feel comfortable talking about a single thing with them because I am just afraid of how they will react about little things (such as "wasting my time")
     
  5. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    You're already giving yourself answers you just have to find them ! In your post, you say that you'd like to be able to talk to someone but you also say that you don't feel your parents are enough supportive or open to do that. Solution : find other people with whom you can talk. It's important to love your parents but you don't need to be friends with them.
    Talking about this here is already a step forward : you're talking about it hoping that you'd be supported. Sure, it'd be nice if you could change your parents and have a better relationship with them but if you find other new meaningful relationships, the facts that your parents and you don't get perfectly along won't matter that much anymore since you won't have to rely on them for support.
    I hope I made sense...
     

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