SRS fatal mistakes in my 7 year relationship...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by BlaXicaN, Nov 26, 2006.

  1. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    I haven't really made my own thread in regards to what recently happened to my last SO, just been posting in other threads.

    When I was 16 and she was 14 we met up. I actually met her on yahoo chat before she started high school. Sure we were young, but we immediately had a connection and starting going out in December of 1999. We had a very adventurous relationship; I don't regret any of it. Her senior year in high school when she turned 18, she started to change. She was attractive and she used that to her advantage. We started to argue because I began questioning her with other guys. And she ended up leaving me because she said I didn't trust her. The thing is, I found out she used that as a scapegoat to leave me. I saw her cell phone calls to this guy at 2 or 3 in the morning on her bill and she still denied it. Then I found out they slept a few times together after she left me. 3 months later I took her back because she came crying back and I still had feelings for her since we never really stopped talking to each other during the breakup.

    Now I don't really believe in once a cheater always a cheater. The next 3 years we had a really close relationship; I could see her committment to me and she always spoke of me highly. We never argued and things were well. She started going to UT Austin but I would see her every weekend. When the 6th year of being together hit (her 2nd year at UT Austin) things began to change. This time it was me. I had finished college and began doing my own thing at home, either playing games on the PC a lot or watching TV, basically enjoying myself at home before moving out to the real world. And when she called me on the weekdays I'd always be doing this. And then the problem was that I started to become lazy when seeing her and act tired. I either acted like I didn't feel like being there at first or I'd get there late. I guess after 7 years of being together things sometimes become lackluster and I wasn't realizing how mad it was making her. She recently turned 21 and that night before we went out I was laying in her bed and she got upset saying she had to drag me out. I really did wanna go out though. Finally 2 weeks later, she called me and was tired of it all and said she couldn't do it anymore. I was 23 and she was 21; we broke up last month over the phone and that bothered me a lot.

    I immediately realized what happened. I let things become stagnet and she got upset at things I wasn't fully aware of. We were our first loves and I guess we just made stupid mistakes to each other. For the next month I begged her to consider me again and that I promise things would be much better. I felt this was completely my fault. And it doesn't help that she is completely heartless afterwards. She never did let me see her in person or even talk to her on the phone which my friends and family felt was immature. She only read emails and responded very slow playing this game with me. She wants to find someone in Austin I believe. I text msg her last night asking to please consider things again and she said 'I'm sorry I can't give you another relationship. It's time to move on.' A lot of angry/depressed emotions went through me when she said that.

    I'm sorry; I guess I'm just venting more than anything. I was with the same girl for a large part of my life and while I'm still young it still hurts like hell. We did a LOT together and I think maybe she is overlooking that. I just want to make sure I learned everything I could. I forgave her the first time we broke up. I felt that the mistakes I made when we broke up the 2nd time were fixable if she would of made it clear that she was unhappy. I told her over and over no one is perfect. Why can't my ex be more forgiving and give me the benefit of the doubt at least after being together 7 years? Why won't she let me talk to her in person? Is she leaving me out of her own selfishness to mingle in Austin? Was my first mistake taking her back the first time we broke up? The first time we broke up I didn't feel so bad after I found out it was mainly her. But this 2nd time I feel horrible because I feel a large part of it was my fault and she is being stern in putting this on me. And I'm not getting another chance like I gave her. I'm really dealing with this hard as I am a sensitive guy. I loved and cared for this girl so much and all it took was a few fuckups to throw it all away. I took things for granted because I just got my EE degree and should have a nice job soon. I was more so focused on that becoming the next step to success in the relationship but I never got the chance to show it. This hurts. :(
     
  2. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

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    The only thing that I can think of is that her real reason for breaking up with you isn't what she's told you. She's just using that as a 'scapegoat', (like before?) to cover up another reason.
    Otherwise she'd be open to fixing it, no?

    But I'm not experienced in giving advice. Let's see what others say :hug:
     
  3. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    once the relationship is broken, you can't fix it, it's going to fall apart sooner or later. It just can't be the same anymore. After I read that you took her back I knew how it was gonna end
     
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Time to move on.

    You don't have anything else, and haven't put much effort into the other aspects of your life, so you romanticize certain aspects of this former relationship, basically a period of your life when you DID have companionship.

    It's better to look to the future, than to wring a few more drops out of the past.

    Still don't believe me? Well you've already had a preview of what happens when you take her back. Look to your own history for a full account of what the future holds if you try, once more, to "make it work".


    And try and realize things changed NOT because you "let things become stagnant". In fact, things changed because you both grew up..

    You and she are 23 and 21. You are no longer the people you were at 16 and 14, when you got together. You are no longer the people you were when things were good...say 19 and 17.

    That was a long time ago, and she's told you quite clearly that she's grown and changed...and no longer wants the "US" that used to be. She's no longer what you remembered her to be.

    And you're not that person either...it's lack of options that is driving to think this way.

    ....time to move on. It's not like you have a choice really...she's made it extremely clear she no longer wants you anyways...
     
  5. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    Thanks for the advice; it helps a lot as well as my faith. We were growing together okay but honestly I got stuck in my own little world for a while and fucked it up right there. I never sent her any cute surprises to her dorm like I should have. I fucked up there considering all those crazy guys up there wanting pussy. It gets tough after 7 years to keep that consistent level of energy you know? ESPECIALLY at our age. I think we were simply together too long at our age. I felt bad knowing I didn't do a whole lot in the end, but I really think maybe it was normal; she also didn't really do much for me though as far as wanting to keep the spark. Some of my friends say for as long as we were together, I didn't do anything too terrible to make her leave specifically from me; it was just we had been together too long at our age.

    Viper made a lot of good points. As far as marrying your first love; I think most of the time it fails, but yeah it really depends on the type of person. I personally know a lot of hispanic couples do it and it lasts. I am hispanic but my gf wasn't. There's just too many hispanics where I live :o
    You're right I have jackshit experience now. I know one woman, not women. I did have a couple prior gf's too but they were very short.
    I guess I shouldn't have taken her back; I just still had a lot of feelings and didn't know better then :\ plus I thought she was very physically attracting and that her body was suited nicely with mine. pic for reference http://home.satx.rr.com/gazeme/museum1.JPG

    I'm very confident I can find another girl; that's not a problem. I'm talking to quite a few actually. I'm just actually in kind of a shock that I was with one girl for 7 fucking years. I don't regret it because I still feel I learned a ton from it, but it was an extremely long time and because of that it's taking a very long time to get over :( It's kinda too late as far as begging her back. Well, I didn't beg but I emailed a whole bunch telling her the things I did wrong and what not. I have a problem of kicking myself in the head too much and she knows it. Sometimes I evaluate myself so much that I can't think of anything wrong with the other girl. She definitely had some flaws as well though. I'm doing my best too move along; it's been very rough :( I think once I get my engineering job, which is hopefully soon, I can move out and start a fresh new life and be back to my normal self.
     
  6. 2500

    2500 Guest

    yup, the change will always get ya. i started dating my first love when we were both 13. lol. we were together until we were both 18 or 19. i loved her more than anything, but of course people change from being a kid to an adult. she "came into her own" and realized she was a lesbian. we grew apart in other ways also. it took me 2 years to realize that. i kept after her like crazy for those 2 years. i just wanted stuff to be back like it used to be, but it couldn't. similar situation happened when i moved out of new jersey to chicago. i missed NJ, i wanted to go back, and when i visited, i realized it changed in 10 years. i don't want to live in NJ in the now, i wanted to live in NJ the way it used to be. but the best thing to do now is sit back, come to terms with the fact your most likely not going to get back with her, and then think of the future.
     
  7. sublime335

    sublime335 New Member

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    it takes two to make a relationship... it usually takes two to fuck it up also. don't take all the blame. it makes geting over it that much harder.
     
  8. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    I started acting like a bitch sometimes in the relationship and got lazy. I have no idea why; I guess after 7 years I took everything for granted and she left me. I started playing WoW at the worst fucking time in my life too... bad move. Nobody is perfect and it hurts she is moving on like this because my mistakes were fixable. It's like I was ditched because of acting like someone I really am not. People said we had a big communication problem and that was the key to us breaking up... that and she is more heartless than I thought. She said she always spoke highly of me and valued me a lot, thus I started doing shit not realizing I was pushing her away.

    Maybe I did make a mistake taking her back the first time, but I know I was wrong for the shit I did this time and that's what hurts me. And I guess this is what I deserve for not respecting myself taking her back the first time she left.
    I need to quit kicking myself in the head over this; that's my real problem right now. It's 100x harder to cope knowing a lot of it is your fault. I mean she knows I am hurting a lot because I am a relationship family-oriented type of guy. I always had these family goals and what not and she wasn't ready for that. And my family loved her and spoiled her too. I know she misses my family and what not. I just need to find a girl with similar goals...
     
  9. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    SHE dumped you. Twice. That alone should tell you that you should be done with this girl and work on improving yourself. Consider her a lost cause and a learning experience. Move on, and use the memories to prevent yourself from making the same mistakes with another woman.
     
  10. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    That's pretty much all I can do is learn and do better next time. It's just a matter of time going by ever so slowly. People say it takes like 8 months or something to get over... for me, I'm not sure but yeah everything is still rather fresh in my mind :( I just want the holidays and this year to end so I can feel like a new man come 2007. I've been evaluating myself a lot over the past few weeks, and there are definitely things I'll be improving my self-image on.
     
  11. T2 Tsunami

    T2 Tsunami Active Member

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    The bad part about trying to help/analyze, is that most who ask for the help do not except it, they are just venting.
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Also, most who give help have less information than the person posting.

    In general, follow this golden rule: if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't know how to communicate, you will get hurt.

    Surely you recognized her inability to discuss her dissatisfactions before the break-up came about?
     
  13. T2 Tsunami

    T2 Tsunami Active Member

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    It's a given....if you can't judge/analyxe youself...asking for it will not help.
     
  14. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    heh.. I didn't know why she left me at first. She tells my sisters things that I don't know because she finds it easier to talk to my sister. When I had asked her why she would just say she became "content" over time. She never let me talk to her on the phone or see her after the breakup either. I had to talk to my sister. It just upsets me that she didn't know better. So two very important things I learned from this relationship... trust and communication.
     
  15. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    Oh I'm aware of my flaws... personality-wise and mistakes. Definitely will work on those. It really is more of a vent and letting others help you cope with pain. This is the worst pain I've experienced in a while.
    From here on out it's just a matter of learning, coping, and realizing how it wasn't meant to be. I mean this was a girl that depended mostly on me and she knows it. I never asked for much or expected much in return, but when I slipped she left. I shouldn't be as hurt as I am but I am cause I loved her still and appreciated the memories.
     
  16. T2 Tsunami

    T2 Tsunami Active Member

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    you hit it right on the nail...I was never a relation type, but when I did become that person I choose the wrong one and it killed me wondering what/where she was when she was'nt with me..trust was lost.
     
  17. party_cat

    party_cat New Member

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    let her be. when you were with one person for such a long time, like 7 yrs, it sure makes no sense when things go wrong and that you cnt fix it. she became a habit to you, but you can get over that too!
    start going out and meeting new people.
    make new friends. maybe as somebody said, she maybe be using "scapegoat" excuse with you.
    just try not contacting her and see what happens. ignore her for a while, forget about her.
     
  18. sublime335

    sublime335 New Member

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    you need to stop telling yourself its all your fault. like you said yourself, your main problem was comunnication. communication is just as much her fault as yours. don't let her make you feel like you are the ass hole. find someone you are comfortable talking to about all parts of your life and who is willing to do the same. Thats the only way to have a truly happy relationship. If she had a problem with you neglecting her, she should have told you. the fact that she didn't means she just didn't want to make it work and it was just easier to toss you aside. Not your fault that she is to lazy to work at a relationship.
     
  19. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    You're totally right. If she knew how to communicate to me things would have been better. She did say things but it didn't sound like she was serious or upset. Even though she didn't know how to communicate, she didnt have to throw everything away like she did. I'm all about working relationships; she knows that and she was overanalyzing everything in our relationship wanting things to be perfect... and I KNOW she would always compare us to her fucking friends by the way she talked; I could read the shit being thrown in to her mouth. She didn't have the patience; I mean when you're with someone for 7 years, sometimes you may start to lose a little spark but she knew I had a lot of changing ahead to spark things back up. I was the one always looking down the road of success with my new job lined up, new house, and financial stability. And she takes everything day by day having her fun at UT. I guess I was expecting more of a motherly-figure as far as certain responsibilities like finance and future goals, none of which she had. I think she was scared to work things out and be tied down longer and feel like she missed out on something down the line. whatever, I just find it odd how we were able to make it together that long with that communication problem.

    Well I'm hoping to inform you all in the future when I fully recover from this and what happens down the road for me. Thanks for helping me cope with this.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2006
  20. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    in addition to her failure to communicate, it sounds like she was interested in excitement more than security, and that you were interested in security more than excitement
     
  21. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    pretty much, but I was totally for having fun too. but she likes club/party fun and i like going out to venture fun. also she wanted surprises but sometimes she would just ruin it. back in the day, i had said i wanted to go take a trip to las vegas when i graduated. right around my graduation a few months ago she kept mentioning it and it just really took the surprise out of everything. so i kept trying to downplay us going till we could and she just got all mad. whatever; i still plan on going by spring break with a cute friend.
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2006
  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    that's right, tabs r being kept :rofl: i agree w everything u say in this thread
     
  23. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    whatever.. you made me edit that out. :hs: im going to bed and gonna let this pass. im honestly feeling better but i have my ups and downs big time. i need to clear my mind
     
  24. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    no i axlly agree :sadwavey:, it does seem likely to me that she is keeping tabs through her friend
     
  25. SHINOBIENDO

    SHINOBIENDO OT Supporter

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    Relationships can't be mended unless both people want things to get better. It doesn't seem like she want to make this relationship work. Sadly I feel that she has some ulterior motive in not forgiving you. You are still damn young (23) and have a kick ass degree that can certainly get you places. There are plenty of females out there, and I am sure it just hurts alot because of how long you two have been together and that she was your first love. No one really gets over their first loves, they just forget about them and move on. Feel better
     

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