Ex's. *long

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by -=Likwid=-, Feb 26, 2008.

  1. -=Likwid=-

    -=Likwid=-

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    I'm questioning how sensitive I am about ex's.

    Some background info:
    Generally, I don't have any problems with my ex-gf's. I don't communicate with them or hold any grudges against any of them - nor do I bring up the topic of ex's, as I don't feel it's necessary or fair to current/future partner(s). I don't mind general discussion if needed, but in-depth info is too much info to me.

    I believe I'm experienced and mature enough to understand that my current/future partner(s) have lived lives before meeting me. I don't have a problem with that. I haven't been cheated on, at least to my knowledge.


    Current:
    I'm with a woman who I care about, and we're planning on a vacation sometime soon. We're both adults, and, for the most part, act and treat each other accordingly. We've had our good and bad times together, and are just recovering (but well) from a bad phase (work/school/$ stresses). This vacation is well deserved for both of us, and we think it'll be a great thing to enjoy together.

    I've met my gf's ex-bf several times many many years ago. He is from an area relatively close to our vacation destination, and they went on vacation in that area just before their breakup nearly a year and a half ago, before her and I started dating. I don't have anything against him, my gf really enjoyed that vacation, and I'm glad she has fond memories to look back upon.

    My problem right now is about my sensitivity to topics that include ex's. I'm finding that although her and her ex-bf are long finished, she talks about and references her previous vacation with her ex-bf casually when talking about and planning our upcoming vacation. It wasn't an issue not long ago, but as we plan and look into it more, it's been brought up more. I've spoken to her about my feelings regarding the topic of ex-bf/gf's. I've discussed with her that it bothers me, and I'm a strong mental visualizer - which magnifies how much it bothers me each time. I'm sexually experienced, but in terms of relationships, i'm not all that confident/secure.

    I do still want to be with my gf. But with the stuff that goes on in my head, it bothers me to an extent that stresses me out a lot. I don't mind bringing it up in a discussion with my gf, but it may lead to a bigger argument, which might cause resentment of our vacation locale before we even depart. I know i'll still need to discuss it with my gf, but am wondering if I'm overreacting or are too sensitive when it comes to the topic of ex-bf/gf's.

    Thoughts?



    ***Update***

    Well. Scratch all that. Turns out her and her ex-bf weren't as "long finished" as I thought.

    We were talking about the trip just tonight, and I stumbled upon one of her emails to her ex she wrote during a rough patch at the end of January, this year. Some exerpts:

    "I have no idea what the purpose of this email is.* I've been wanting to talk to you every single day since the last email I sent.* I think about you so often, and*constantly wonder if you realize how much I think about you and how much I miss you.* I also check my hotmail every day, hoping to see an email from you, even though I told you to leave me alone, and because you are such a considerate*person, I knew you would respect my request.* sigh."

    "But every day I have something else I wish I could tell you, and it's all building up so much I feel like I'm going to explode.* I wish I could pour my heart out to you and tell you all my problems and fears, and that I could just hide from the world in your arms and know everything will be OK, like I used to when we were together."

    "Ugh... I don't know what I'm trying to say.* I don't know what I'm doing anymore.* And I don't know what I want, although I keep thinking that what I want is life with you again.* But am I forgetting all the bad stuff?* What were all our problems?* Our differences?* Why did you break up with me?* Has anything changed, or have you just gotten lonely enough to settle for me again?* Do you remember how much I used to complain about stuff, how long I spent on my hair, how much I loved to lie in the sun and dance to bad music at the bar?.* Wouldn't you still hate these things?* These are answers I'm hoping to be clearer on after my river float.* But I wish you were floating in that river with me."

    "I hope one day we can sit down and tell each other EVERYTHING.* The funniest/weirdest thing for me right now is how I feel like I keep getting "signs" that I should be back with you.* Like one of your stupid punk rock songs will somehow sneak it's way into my playlist and start playing just as I'm driving in my car*crying thinking about you.***Or when I look up a website about surfing, El Salvador will pop up as the latest and greatest place to be.* Every day seems to give me some sort of slap in the face like that.* Of course I know I'm just looking for these things because you're weighing so heavily on my mind.* But whatever. It's more interesting to pretend they're signs.* I also had a not-so-funny but still funny realization yesterday that some of the biggest problems I'm having with the guy I'm living with right now are the same complaints you had about me.* It's like fate came along to say: "You were a selfish bitch.* Here, live with someone like that for a few months and you'll see what it's like".* So, now I know what it was like for you.* Ironic?* Yes.* Potentially beneficial to our relationship should we ever get back together?* Definitely!* Take it as another sign?* Why not?!"

    "I love you.* Please don't hate me for sending this if I sent it.* Yes, I'm still in that other relationship.* Yes, I'm in Edmonton because I need to make a decision on it and not be swayed by guilt or getting stuck in daily habits.* No you don't need to reply or respond to this email in any way.* I'm just venting and you're basically taking the brunt of it.* I hope you undertand.* But I know you do.* I don't know how I know, but I do."


    It's 1:30am and she's packing up her shit to move out.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2008
  2. maskednegator

    maskednegator Kosmonaut, best we've got...

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    Nobody wants to hear that shit. Tell her exactly what you told us. Be cool, but be firm.
     
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    There's a line that people can cross where they mention their ex or past experiences with their ex's far too much. I understand it's mostly related to the trip and destination specifically, but IMO? The next time she brings it up just calmly say "I'd really appreciate if you didn't bring up (his name) every time you mention this trip. I'm glad you had a nice time with him but I don't have to be reminded of every moment the two of you shared there. I want to make our own memories."

    When I first started dating my current SO we were just fresh out of relationships. He would casually bring up his ex or something they did a LOT. It drove me a little crazy needless to say. Finally one day during some random group talk I calmly but snidely said, "I honesty don't care that (her name) is from Wisconsin." :rofl: He never mentioned her again :mamoru: He felt bad because he didn't realize he was doing it and I understand that because I would mention my ex randomly as well, but I made a conscious effort to quit and it's for the better.

    My point is if she keeps saying it it's probably going to taint your experience of the trip a little bit and I know you don't want that. So as long as you mention in a civilized manner and she cares for you she will apologize and cut it out.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2008
  4. JustaMeThang

    JustaMeThang New Member

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    You say you have spoken to her about this already. And she still continues to bring it up? Sounds like she just doesn't get it, or just doesn't care.

    I would stress to her one more time how much this upsets you and that you want this vacay to be as great as it can be, and that will require her to respect the fact that you do not want to her about her ex and their vacation while you are busy trying to plan and potentially enjoy yours.

    If she disregards this for the second time, I would tell her you are not going since she couldn't respect one simple yet important request.

    Edit: No. I don't think you are overreacting.
     
  5. HuskiRuski

    HuskiRuski Cardinal Fan

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    she has fond memories that she wants to share with you. the memories just happen to be with an ex.

    she hasn't completely forgotten about this ex, but that's ok. she's with you now and you don't have to worry about her past relationships.
     
  6. Tzuma

    Tzuma New Member

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    Why are you going to the same place they went to? Im more worried about this than what she brought up. Im with Huski in this regard otherwise.

    She wouldnt have the connection if you werent going to the same place. You know they went there, and she had a great time, why would you help her have that ex bf connection by repeating something shes already done? Doesnt sound very original to me. Which not only gives her ample reason to compare and discuss the past experience, but also realize how unoriginal it is. Chances are, the second time there wont ever be as good as the first time - even if the first time wasnt as fun -- its how memories work.

    Tell her youd rather go someplace new and exciting, and if she still talks about the ex she's either dropping hints in how she'd like you to be, or shes simply inconsiderate.
     
  7. HuskiRuski

    HuskiRuski Cardinal Fan

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    yeah. if it was your idea to go there, you fucked up, especially for the bolded reasons above.
     
  8. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    :werd:

    And your jealousy/insecurity is a GOOD thing. Shows how much you really care. Talk to her about it if it really bothers you, show your sensitive side but don't act overbearing. Just let her know that you REALLY care about her and all this ex talk is starting to get you.. Explain that you know she's over him, you just want to start working on your own memories and start a new phase of your lives.
     
  9. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    you gotta make this triip better than the one with the ex.

    or start talking about your ex if you want to be passive aggressive about it
     
  10. Grass

    Grass New Member

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    In my experience, if I try to keep things like that to myself, they just end up bubbling to the surface anyway, usually in a much more uncontrolled and unnecessarily hostile fashion.

    Just bring it up, tell her exactly how you feel, and the truth shall set you free.
     
  11. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    I don't buy this. It's much better to be able to talk about past relationships without feeling so negative. If anything, just for your sake.

    I'm not good at it either but I'd like to improve with that. Feeling jealous is no way to spend your time. Is you ex plotting to cheat on you with this guy from her past? Of course not. So you're feeling shitty for no reason.

    Why not talk to her about it? Let her know that you don't think that anything is going on between her and her ex but that you have an irrational problem in talking about it. Maybe she feels the same way and you guys can learn from each other. Get it out on the table, flesh it out, hear what she has to say. That will help you guys build some meaningful trust instead of avoiding it and letting it slowly eat away at what you have with her.
     
  12. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    I have to agree, because youre going on vacation to the same place she went with her ex (I'm not sure why you guys picked this one b/c of this, but whatever), obviously she wants to tell you about the last time she was at this spot.

    If she had been on vacation to this same place, say, with her family, would you ask her to stop talking about it? Probably not. Maybe you can come to some sort of understanding if you tell her exactly whats up. I'm betting she probably doesnt realize how much it bothers you and is just excited about the trip and wants to tell you how awesome it was last time (regardless of who she was there with) and that you guys will have a good time too.

    My bf and I seem to have an unwritten rule about this...I was in a very long term relationship before I was with him, and he was in a LTR too. Sometimes its not hard to relate a story that you truely want to share just because you happend to be with your ex at the time and hell, I spent alot of time with my ex, so a lot of my stories come from that time....
    Whenever we end up referencing the times we were with other people, we just end up kinda going around it. Instead of "When I was with X we used to..." or "Yeah, back when I was with X I...." we always end up say stuff like "When I was living in Canton..." or "When I was going to Florida every month..." (which were the times we were with the ex's, but theres no reason for saying it explicitly)


    Does she mention him by name when she does this like "X and I went did bla bla bla" or Is it always "X and I had such a fantastic time doing bla bla bla"? If so, I think thats different, especially when you've already told her it bothered you.
     
  13. -=Likwid=-

    -=Likwid=-

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    Well. Scratch all that. Turns out her and her ex-bf weren't as "long finished" as I thought.

    We were talking about the trip just tonight, and I stumbled upon one of her emails to her ex she wrote during a rough patch at the end of January, this year. Some exerpts:

    "I have no idea what the purpose of this email is.* I've been wanting to talk to you every single day since the last email I sent.* I think about you so often, and*constantly wonder if you realize how much I think about you and how much I miss you.* I also check my hotmail every day, hoping to see an email from you, even though I told you to leave me alone, and because you are such a considerate*person, I knew you would respect my request.* sigh."

    "But every day I have something else I wish I could tell you, and it's all building up so much I feel like I'm going to explode.* I wish I could pour my heart out to you and tell you all my problems and fears, and that I could just hide from the world in your arms and know everything will be OK, like I used to when we were together."

    "Ugh... I don't know what I'm trying to say.* I don't know what I'm doing anymore.* And I don't know what I want, although I keep thinking that what I want is life with you again.* But am I forgetting all the bad stuff?* What were all our problems?* Our differences?* Why did you break up with me?* Has anything changed, or have you just gotten lonely enough to settle for me again?* Do you remember how much I used to complain about stuff, how long I spent on my hair, how much I loved to lie in the sun and dance to bad music at the bar?.* Wouldn't you still hate these things?* These are answers I'm hoping to be clearer on after my river float.* But I wish you were floating in that river with me."

    "I hope one day we can sit down and tell each other EVERYTHING.* The funniest/weirdest thing for me right now is how I feel like I keep getting "signs" that I should be back with you.* Like one of your stupid punk rock songs will somehow sneak it's way into my playlist and start playing just as I'm driving in my car*crying thinking about you.***Or when I look up a website about surfing, El Salvador will pop up as the latest and greatest place to be.* Every day seems to give me some sort of slap in the face like that.* Of course I know I'm just looking for these things because you're weighing so heavily on my mind.* But whatever. It's more interesting to pretend they're signs.* I also had a not-so-funny but still funny realization yesterday that some of the biggest problems I'm having with the guy I'm living with right now are the same complaints you had about me.* It's like fate came along to say: "You were a selfish bitch.* Here, live with someone like that for a few months and you'll see what it's like".* So, now I know what it was like for you.* Ironic?* Yes.* Potentially beneficial to our relationship should we ever get back together?* Definitely!* Take it as another sign?* Why not?!"

    "I love you.* Please don't hate me for sending this if I sent it.* Yes, I'm still in that other relationship.* Yes, I'm in Edmonton because I need to make a decision on it and not be swayed by guilt or getting stuck in daily habits.* No you don't need to reply or respond to this email in any way.* I'm just venting and you're basically taking the brunt of it.* I hope you undertand.* But I know you do.* I don't know how I know, but I do."


    It's 1:30am and she's packing up her shit to move out.
     
  14. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Most of the cool things I've done were with my ex. But it's a part of me and isn't fair for me to never mention the places I went or experiences I had just because it involved her. I try not to say her name or the words "my ex" too much so I'd say something like "I went there with an old friend of mine."
     
  15. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Damn man that sucks :hs: good job on kicking her ass out though.
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Ouch, I had a feeling something was wrong, but damn. Good for you for kicking her dumb ass out. Go take a vacation that you want to go on now.

    Oh, never talk to her again.
     
  17. MIK3

    MIK3 New Member

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    normally i would say, respect her privacy such as email. but wow....its time like this when you have to respect your better judgement and just look. Sorry to hear this, and you'll be a better person in the end. i know you don't believe me but hang in there. get her out of your life, and move on. keep your head up

    :hug:
     
  18. -=Likwid=-

    -=Likwid=-

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    She begged and pleaded. I'd lose self-respect if I took back someone who breaks the one rule I have for trust, so I took her house keys, and kicked her out at 3:30am.

    although temporary, this still fucking sucks.
     
  19. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Wait, what? Why is it temporary. She mailed her ex boyfriend telling him she's still in love with him and wants to be with him and just because she's pathetic, cries to you to keep her aorund because she doesn't want to be alone you're going to actually think about taking her back???

    Huge mistake. Probably biggest mistake you'll ever make.
     
  20. HuskiRuski

    HuskiRuski Cardinal Fan

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    hey man, at least you got rid of her before she could actually cheat on you.
    the breakup is on your terms this way, and you should feel good about it. don't take her back and let her break up on her terms, like cheating on you or just plain dumping you for the other dude.
     
  21. Mangina

    Mangina New Member

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    Temporary??? :ugh:
     
  22. -=Likwid=-

    -=Likwid=-

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    whoa, i only meant "temporary" in terms of how this situation feels to me... not that i'm going to let her waste anymore of my time. Temporary, because I know i'll feel better about kicking her out of the apartment and my life, just not right now.

    aww you guys... so full of concern... :p
     
  23. -=Likwid=-

    -=Likwid=-

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    she wants me to go to counseling with her to try to resolve our issues...

    not the easiest kicking-out is it..
     
  24. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Oh jesus :uh: She's the one with issues. Tell her to run back to her ex and fuck herself, you know you'll never get over this or trust her. Counseling bullshit...ugh. Save your money and cut her off.
     
  25. HuskiRuski

    HuskiRuski Cardinal Fan

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    counseling is retarded. people just use it as a last resort when they've been married for like 10 years and are scared to throw it down the drain.

    you've got nothing to lose from ending this relationship. this girl isn't for you and you're not for her. if after 2 years, she's still not over her ex, then she won't ever be.
     

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