SRS Exhaution

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by METALLlC BLUE, Jan 29, 2005.

  1. Exhaustion

    I made it about 4 1/2 weeks on the IV therapy and oral medication. I am absolutely physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. I ended the therapy Monday because it was killing my body. I think I'm going to need a month or two to recover. I just feel empty inside. I look disturbing. I look like a concentration camp prisoner. I gave every ounce I had to survive this cycle. It is definitely in the top 3 most difficult things I've ever had to do.

    I ended up being allergic to one of the antibiotics, but I was so far into the therapy that I didn't want to stop unless I absolutely had to. It took another week and a half to break me down until my body couldn't take anymore. I feel awful for my family; my mother especially. She begged me over and over to allow her to call 911, but I felt after 18 years it was time to just stay the course and finish it. I felt like I was riding a wave until the wave dissolved beneath my feet. When the wave was gone on Monday I knew I was finished. If I didn't end the therapy I'd fall from that board and be finished. It was smarter to end the therapy there and live to fight another battle.

    I didn't think I would almost die doing this cycle but that was exactly the case. It was just awful. I can imagine the incredible suffering that other people endure in this world. I've been to hell before, and I never thought I'd go back. I know how horrifying and awful some experiences in this world can be for many of you.

    I cried, I prayed, but I didn't beg. I'll never beg, and neither should any of you - I'll never try to hold onto this world as though I'm just the period at the end of some nonsensical sentence. I'm a question mark to this world.

    Many of us have battles we didn't ask for; unfair tribulations and adversity we didn't create, but I'm not going quietly into the night. I'm not invincible; I'm not a machine, but I'm not broken yet either. I live in spite of the loss caused by this adversity. I live with the anger of having my opportunities and dreams removed from my hands by a power bigger than me. I am determined to do two things before I leave this planet: I will have a family, and I will leave behind a time capsule (s) containing all of the most important things I've learned in my brief time while alive here. It will be safe, and it will endure until found. Until I have completed those two things I'm not shuffling off any mortal coil.

    Anger is more useful than despair, so fight, do not fall prey for long to despair and lose your life in apathy.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2005
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    More questionable though, how much did you recover from the therapy, did the lyme take a hit, or is it just more present in your body more then ever :sad2: , better to flee away, and get to fight on another day , then to give in now and lose everything, i think you made the right decision. Allergies take down your entire body, that's something the docter could have told you. You are giving yourself away too much, you should play it more like a chess game, make those carefull steps which give the highest probability of curing you. Honestly i don't think all those psychiatric visits are going to help, what you need is a cure right away against your lyme problems, that bacteria is eating you away, and has to be stopped immediatly. So far i received no word of you on how much progress the medicine has made in order to fight back the lyme disease, no one can endure this horrible thing forever, i would try to find all the information that there is against lyme disease, and what you can and can't do while you have that disease, what effects there are and what you have to be weary about. Also, when the disease is over, you have to take in account that you will probably be volunurable for other diseases for quite a while. It takes up a long restore period. The disease consumed almost your entire childhood, and now is taking up the years of your adultness too. I keep wondering when you finally be cured. This is taking too long :sad2:
     
  3. The Lyme was hit, but this is definitely not the end.

    That's what we're doing.

    Agreed. We've been fighting the infection [my doctor and myself] since it was discovered that I had it.

    It's is unknown how much progress has been made. Progress has been made, we just don't know how far, or how much longer.

    All of this has already been done. The therapies we're using are the best that modern medicine has to offer against this type of infection.

    Yes, all of this we're aware of. There is so much I've lost because of this, and I may lose much more but everything including the kitchen sink is being thrown at it. I too wonder when and if I will ever be well. My specialist said "Yes, I can cure you." I trust him, so I wait patiently.
     
  4. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Would you be offended if I didn't believe in Chronic Lyme disease?
     
  5. No, I would not be offended. It's not personal. A lot of people feel that way, including some people in my family. There is a great deal of controversy on the subject, but there are also thousands of patients with long term illness making progress while on long term antibiotics after being tested and confirmed to have Lyme Disease. The testing procedures are poor, and a patient with chronic infection is fortunate to see any response at all to the spirochete with existing blood testing methods. I was one of the fortunate.

    Patients with an illness of this sort really don't care about whether people believe or don't believe. I'm caught in the middle of the argument, but the truth is I'd rather risk my life exploring therapies with a specialist who I trust and who will risk it all with me, than take a conservative stance with a doctor who tells me "There is nothing I can do" and doesn't even provide a possibility. After 18 years of research, hospitals, tests, and specialists; I had to take a stand where ever the most evidence, and hope existed, so I followed this current specialist and continue to trust his judgment. I may die because of this choice, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.
     
  6. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I'm not really sure either way, but sometimes I say to myself: Here is a severe bipolar, that once had lyme disease, and now he clings to it as a hypochondriac because he can't accept his mental illness.

    I sure as hell don't know enough about Lyme disease, or you, to be sure either way. It just occurs to me sometimes, though. Perhaps because I've never had a debilitating chronic infection, but I used to be a bit of a hypochondriac.
     
  7. That says it all. With limited knowledge people have a few choices in how they handle interacting with me. People can support the plan the specialist has created, or they can become opposition. Most people choose indifference and simply ignore the situation which is ok too. I don't care which side people choose as long as I have my current support system. In the end I still have to do what I have to do no matter what people think or choose.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2005
  8. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Well... have you ever challenged yourself on this? Explored the possibility that its a mental illness?
     
  9. Of course.
     
  10. Matthew, thank you for the support. I could use a spiritual boost today. A pastor is coming to visit me tomorrow to pray with me and help give me some guidance. I hope with his visit and insight I might get a little experience, strength and hope from him. I also really hope that I can heal up and get that rest too. I'm so exhausted still, but I am improving.

    I took a shower today, and ate a sandwich so I'm feeling a little better but mentally I'm real run down. I need a little inspiration after all of this. I had some juice and I'm trying to gradually put back on the weight I lost too and so far that's improving.
     

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