SRS Ex seems a bit schizophrenic lately.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by m3 bavaria, Nov 12, 2009.

  1. m3 bavaria

    m3 bavaria Come again?

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    Backstory: I lived with a girl for nearly 5 years. In the end, we grew apart, and rather than end it, I got drunk one night and cheated. I moved out of our house, she stayed there for a few more months, then eventually moved into another home we own together. For a while, she was desparate to get me back, then got a new boyfriend, and went from talking to me daily to not talking to me at all.

    At first, I had a problem with this. However, OT convinced me that I was being a selfish bastard and I wasn't letting her live her life or move on. Since then, I haven't tried to contact her or speak to her.



    However, yesterday, she e-mailed one of my employees asking for advise about the home she lives in. She had made many incorrect assumptions, some of which could have been very, very costly. I e-mailed her, kept it stictly business and told her how to straighten out her situation. At the end of the e-mail, I asked her how I could return the boxes of her stuff she left at my house, and her pet python.

    We e-mailed back and forth a few times. All was cordial. Pretty generic. Nothing personal was said, and it was about the same tone I'd maintain with any typical client. I offered to help if she ever needed it, reassured her that she was in a good position with her deal, and that was it. She was greatful and things were friendly.

    Then randomly, out of the blue, this evening she writes me an e-mail saying that she'll never speak to me again. Period. She felt it was disrespectful to her new boyfriend (she cheated on him with me a few times, he knows about it) and she didn't want to be friends in any capacity. Also, she said she doesn't want to, and can't see me; and that she didn't like me knowing so much about what was going on in her life (which is plainly retarded because she does nothing but broadcast it to people she knows will talk to me about it).

    This was odd, because I didn't mention anything about seeing her, getting back together with her, or any desire to do either. I did ask if she was engaged because her boyfriend asked a friend of mine to be in his wedding, but I did so in a plain, non-inflamatory way.


    My questions are:

    She goes out of her way to maintain contact with my friends (people she only knows through me) and employees; but wants to cut ALL contact to me. I have a theory on this, but what's your take?

    Does she truly never want to speak to me again, or is this pressure from her boyfriend?

    I have quite a bit of her stuff (most of it is sentimental, or important); plus her pet snake. She says that it's a loss and I should just throw it all away. Is she serious, or is she just hurt and acting childish?


    Given the fact that we were involved in each other's lives for so long, I'd at least like to maintain contact. I don't need to speak to her, but every few months or so, it'd be nice to know what was going on in her life. Any hope of this in the future, or did I make her truly hate and resent me for eternity?
     
  2. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    She probably emailed your employee because she knew you'd get involved, but she didn't realize how she was going to react to it when you'd respond. She was the one who got dumped, even if it was obvious it was going to happen, so she didn't get closure before it ended. Cut her some slack.

    Maybe you should tell her boyfriend you have some of her stuff that you want to drop off when she's not home, because you don't want to cause any drama when she sees you. It seems like a reasonable approach.
     
  3. m3 bavaria

    m3 bavaria Come again?

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    I see your point, but we broke up in January, she's been dating her new boyfriend now since February. I figured she'd be over it. :dunno:

    Her boyfriend isn't my biggest fan, and I have no way of contact him. I was going to call her parents and drop her stuff off there, but it's an hour drive.

    She told me to toss it all, so I'm wondering if she was being serious, or just being dramatic.
     
  4. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    You should probably settle or sell the property you own together
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    The whole situation went out of control because you didn't have the courage to speak out your honest feelings about her and the situation you were in, that came after you and bites you in your back, even at this moment you are stuck with a heapload of emotional luggage and needing to work hard to clean up the trail of destruction that your actions have left behind.

    All our actions in life have consequenses wether likeable or dislikeable. The mature thing to do is to take responsibility for the negative actions that you have taken. That's why i think you should man up , and if not already apologize to her for your actions that you have taken towards her and the immature way on how you handled it.

    In these situations you need to be decisive, cut off all ties completely, or go back. I think that since both of you are finished you should not leave things lingering for long periods of time, so bring the stuff back even if its an hour drive to her parents, who cares or would take that for an excuse?, stop being a coward and confront your problems rather then running away from them. You might be a ceo of a company and all that but remember, that dealing with the ex-wife or ex-gf is harder then dealing with your work so to speak. So its important you put some effort in it and get some closure in it all. All of her paranoid and irrational behaviour can be explained easily, she is still in love with you ,but is spouting out her discontent and becomes frantic over your behaviour because that aspect is out of her control.

    Please make up your mind and take some decisive action.
     
  6. m3 bavaria

    m3 bavaria Come again?

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    For the most part, I think you're right.

    I did come clean. I told her everything. We had a good, hour long conversation (via instant messenger, but still) about what happened. I told her EVERYTHING. From there, she seemed relieved and I thought that we could build a friendship (nothing crazy, but at least keep in touch).

    About a week later, she pulled a 180, told me that for her sake, and her boyfriend's; she couldn't speak with me.

    Then this house situation comes up, and it's the same thing. It's cool at first, then she says she'll never speak to me.


    Am I wrong for wanting a friendship with her?
     
  7. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    sometimes your ex just doesn't want to be friends and it could be for numerous reasons. She doesn't trust herself around you, she doesn't really enjoy your company anymore, she doesn't want to complicate her life, etc etc. It's not really your place to find out why...just get over it would be my advice.
     
  8. m3 bavaria

    m3 bavaria Come again?

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    I agree. Last time a made a thread, I realised with the help of OT that it's not my position to keep talking to her, and it made it worse for her.

    At the same time, we both realise that we aren't right for each other, but we were so close, it seems sad to completely lose touch.
     
  9. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Yes.

    You've made a ton of threads about your obsession with this girl. You have a gf, can't you just be happy with her? Or at least break up with her so she can find someone who isn't obsessed with his ex.

    I think the real problem here is your ego. You cheated on her which means you didn't care about her like you claim to. Now you're pussyhurt because she found someone better and doesn't want anything to do with you. Too bad, you fucked up. Quit acting so pathetic and move on with your life already.
     
  10. m3 bavaria

    m3 bavaria Come again?

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    If a "ton" is 3 over the span of 9 months, then yes. I've made a "ton". Clearly, I'm obssessed.

    You sound like someone who has been cheated on in the past, so now, you'll take out your misery on anyone who admits to cheating on someone else.

    I don't want this girl back. I never claimed to, nor did I imply that I did. I do however, personally think that it's sad for both of us to walk away completely given the amount of time we spent with each other, the career endeavors we have faced togehter, and the closeness that we had. I guess it's pathetic to wish to remain friends with someone that was a good friend. Right?


    Perhaps you'd like to stop projecting your bitterness any time soon?
     
  11. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    also, your thread title is kind of weird. Just because she warmed up to and changed her mind doesn't mean she's mental. :rofl: Could just be a mere change of heart. Women change their minds often. ;)

    And it may be your opinion that it's sad to just 'walk away' from the relationship you had...friendship/professional or otherwise, but when you broke up, that's what you both (or whomever broke up with who) decided to do. I mean, maybe years down the road you can be friends, but why even try at this point? imo it's a waste of both of your time.
     
  12. B00M

    B00M I speak of peace while covert enmity

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    Did she tell you to toss the snake too? That's kind of fucked up. I'd just respond that you will respect her wishes but that there is an animal involved and it's not like you can just "toss" it. If she doesn't care about it contact rescue organizations or someone who can care for it, call salvation army to pick up her stuff and be done. If she makes an effort to be involved w/ your friends oh well. If they try to keep you informed about her life politely tell them you're trying to seperate yourself as per her wishes. Who's caring for the snake now?
     
  13. onyourchin

    onyourchin OT Supporter

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    i've learned not to take anything women say to heart. a woman will be in a bad mood, get pissed, say some shit just to get a rise out of you and reinforce in her mind that she still has power over you or to prove to herself that you still have feelings for her... and a month later she can act fine again.

    i wouldnt sweat it. let it blow over for a bit, she will probably contact you again at some point.
     
  14. m3 bavaria

    m3 bavaria Come again?

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    I keep the snake. I hate keeping it (feeding it, really), but I do, since it's a live animal.

    I really don't care if she knows what's going on in my life. I want this to be amicable, remain friend, etc. The part that's strange is that she goes out of her way to tell everyone close to me what's going on in her life, then gets pissy when I know. That just seems silly to me.

    I'm just going to drive her stuff to her parents home, snake and all. It's a pain in the ass, but oh well.
     
  15. deadmeat

    deadmeat Active Member

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    I would bet money her boyfriend is reading her emails and jumped in her shit about talking to you.
     
  16. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Fuck an hour drive, that's not that bad. Take the stuff to her parents' house and she can throw it out if she wants to.
     
  17. *RARA*

    *RARA* New Member

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    She's probably still hurt. To date someone for 5 years, and have it end by him cheating on you would fucking suck and is not something you can easily get over.
     
  18. m3 bavaria

    m3 bavaria Come again?

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    I understand this.

    However, for the sake of discussion... She claims that she's found someone who truly makes her happy, whom is perfect for her. She also has suddenly taken to the philosophy that everything in life comes as part of God's plan.

    So, given the fact that she feels as if she's with an improved, more suitable partner; and given the fact that she claims to be happier; shouldn't she have moved on now?

    I'm not excusing what I did, nor am I claiming it wasn't hurtful; but I have to wonder that if she's truly happier, why could she still be so bitter?
     
  19. *RARA*

    *RARA* New Member

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    I don't know. Feelings aren't that logical. She may be happy with her new partner, yet is having a hard time forgiving you because she's still hurt.
     
  20. B00M

    B00M I speak of peace while covert enmity

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    Probably but that's difficult when the person you're trying to move on from keeps in contact.
    B/c your actions have prevented her from moving on. She probably still cares for you and resents you at the same time. It will take a while of no contact from you for her to completely move on. ...and you need to work on moving on as well. If you had moved on you wouldn't be concerning yourself with these kind of questions.
     
  21. johan

    johan Active Member

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    she's your ex, move on, and allow her to do the same.

    Your wanting to care for her, wanting to "at least be friends"...please you're not fooling anyone with that, just yourself.

    and btw, there's nothing "schizophrenic" about her behaviour at all. She simply isn't doing what you want.
    Her behaviour is completely normal, common and expected.



    So....You move on, and allow her to do the same. If she wants to contact you, she will.
     
  22. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    She's a woman. She doesn't mean what she says. She's telling you that stuff because she wants you to be jealous.

    Btw you and her being friends won't end well stop trying.
     
  23. m3 bavaria

    m3 bavaria Come again?

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    I disagree. I only contacted her because she was about to make a $20,000 mistake out of ignorance. Otherwise, I was perfectly content continuing forward without contact.

    Since I did contact her, I'm surprised to see that she's still hostile and wishy washy in her treatment of me. I expected different given the fact that she's moved on too. :dunno:
     
  24. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    I didn't really see from your OP how she was acting hostile or bitter. There could be so many reasons why she doesn't want to talk to you that it's probably just a waste of time to speculate why...so I would suggest you just let it go.
     
  25. Normie

    Normie The TBW weight loss plan worked for me! OT Supporter

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    Since you're asking...

    I think she still has feelings for you, tha manner which you "lended a helping hand" in her current situation and continued to talk to her as a friend showed her your compassion and ability to remain the guy she probably fell in love with. This generated some feelings for you again. She decided to put herself in check before she "falls for you" again or somewhat clouds her judgement of her current relationship.

    Straight up and serious advice. Drive her stuff to her parents house, drop it off and let them know you felt her belongings were to important to her to just trash. Wish them and her well and promptly drop all contact.

    If your friends/co-workers are getting calls/emails/whatever from her, politely inform them that you no longer want to know or hear about her issues, but they are free to help her in any way they want. Then do both yourself and her a favor and close the chapter and move on..
     

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