SRS Ex problems need help! - BAD

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by silver4dracs, Jan 18, 2005.

  1. silver4dracs

    silver4dracs New Member

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    Hi people of the asylum! :wavey: I posted in the other forum and got my head nearly ripped off. But anyhow here is my story. My ex and I were together for 3 1/2 years. We have known each other for 5. She was getting a lot of pressure from her family asking what is happening in you relationship are you going to get married or what. So we decided to take sometime off and just be ourselves, she also wanted to make sure i was the one for her. I was her first serious boyfriend. While on our break we talked several times a day and continued to have sex weekly. This lasted for 6 months. One night I had a thought that she was seeing someone else. I Drove to her house and caught her talking to another guy. She was supposed to come to my house the very next day. She says she was going to tell me that she was seeing someone else, some how I doubt that. So we basically end it there, she says she likes this guy and wants to give him a chance and that you never know what happens in the future. The guy is 29 she is 23 and I am 25. This happened Dec 15. Fast forward a month, I havent talked to her, I add her to my friendster list and she emails me a not saying: "Happy new year, hope 2005 brings you only the good stuff, hope to here form you" Fast forward another week, I ended up calling her and talking for nearly 3 hours about everything, we then set up to see each other on Friday.

    On friday we go out to a really nice dinner and everything seems to be like it was before, we feed each other touch each other hold hands a little kiss. After dinner I give her a poem that I wrote for her it bring a tear to her eye. We then leave the restuarant, i forget to validate my parking and go back only to see her rereading the poem. We then go back to my house. She immediatly walks into my room and lies down on my bed under the covers. I lie down with her. I then proceed to start kissing her neck and her ear. I then start kissing her lips and she doesn't kiss back but you can tell she is fighting it. I then start to kiss her chest are and she is literally lunging into me wanting me to go further so I proceed. She then asks have I been with anyone, I tell her the truth which is no. So i go back to kissing her chest area. After about 15 min she is like I cant do this, please stop and I tell her you are going to have to nudge me to stop and after about 2 more min she nudges me. We start talking about us again and she says she has moved on and that I need to do the same. I aksed her why are you here with me and she says for one last hurrah but that she also missed me. I tell her that I know she wants to be with me and that she is the one who gave up on our relationship because her family doesn't not accept a white guy (she is asian). While we were talking she tells me that she wants a future for us but she wants to see where this relationship may go (new guy is asian) and that she wants me as a security blanket in case she makes a mistake. After much more talk I take her home and she gets out of the car and kisses me on the lips and holds me and touches me and says why cant we be friends I tell her I can't move on being your friend.

    I love this girl and I want her back so bad but What should I do? I dont want to be her doormate that she can step on anytime, I have told her those exact words. I also kinda want to seek revenge because i am so hurt, like I want her to come back into my life just so i can tell her what she told me, but part of me wonders maybe she will have realized if she comes back that I am the one for her, What are the chances she will come back? Please help! :wtc: :wtc: :wtc:
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2005
  2. silver4dracs

    silver4dracs New Member

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    I am also wondering if I have pushed her away for good by putting my emotions entirely on the table? I did tell her that I wanted a relationship with her and that I will allways be there for her. I am so confused. She allways told me I wish I met you 3 or 4 years later, and that you never know what will happen in the future.
     
  3. otama

    otama New Member

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    I'm there with you right now. I posted in the thread "How to let someone go?" about my current situation, so believe me when I say that I know how you feel. It really does hurt, but one thing that I have found that helps is to write her and tell her how you feel about things. I'm currently composing an email to my ex, but I don't know if I am going to actually send it. I probably will, because I am weak.
     
  4. silver4dracs

    silver4dracs New Member

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    I wrote and gave her this poem when I saw her:
    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    Tonight I express to you.
    The Angel I see,
    From a heaven above
    For you are the one,
    That I do love
    From the sound of your voice,
    My heart quivers within
    The beauty of your soul,
    Lies the power there in
    For you are the one,
    All ways on my mind
    I need you,
    Loving and kind
    Every night without you,
    I look up to the sky
    Asking,
    Why o why
    You are my boo,
    Without you
    I don’t know where I would be
    you are the one,
    Who completes every part of me
    I am not sure,
    Where tonight might lead
    I figured I would try,
    To console my heart and no longer bleed
    I am aware,
    Our journey started some time ago
    For our future,
    Forever I know
    In this life,
    My flame will never end
    Without you,
    My heart will never mend
     
  5. silver4dracs

    silver4dracs New Member

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    no help?:wtc: any suggestions?
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Take it easy, it's only been a few hours since you posted your question.

    And about your question: what are the chances she will come back. Well, friend, no one can answer that. Not me, not you, and not even her.

    I know it's normal to be consumed with that thought, and to believe that's the central focus of the matter that's troubling you. But it isn't.

    Instead, think to yourself, do you really have a future with this girl? Is this REALLY the girl you want to be with FOREVER? This is probably really hard for you, but try to see past the intense personal pain and feelings of loss, loneliness and anguish.

    The real truth is that whether she comes back, or whether you never see her again, YOU WILL BE JUST FINE.
    Oh sure, there'll be a period of adjustment either way, but you will survive. And knowing that, are you sure this is what is best for you? You're only 25 now. And she is not the last girl on earth. Trust me.

    So now hopefully you've read all that but in your state, you're probably thinking, I don't care, I just want her back so bad, so please tell me what the future holds.

    Well, odds are good she probably won't come back. Further, she will likely waver back and forth several times between you and someone else, which will tear a new hole in your heart every time she comes and goes.

    You don't want to be a doormat? Great! Don't be.

    Here's what you should do:
    Be kind to her. Be gentle to her. Be STRONG with yourself.
    Tell her you care for her (you do, right?)
    Tell her you love her (you do, right??)
    Tell her you will be her friend, but she needs to make up her mind.

    And when she has, she can let you know her decision.
    Till then, no more bedtime snuggling, no kiss-kiss, no emotional fuzzy blanket to tide her over the badtimes. Those are relationship privileges she gave up when she chose to step out.

    In the meantime, you should take some personal time, (alone time) to think about things but after that, rejoin the world.

    Hang out with your friends. Yeah, the same ones you neglected a bit when you were with her. They're probably still there for ya. Shoot hoops with them. Talk shit. Eat fatburgers. Drink ice cold pitchers of beer. Hang.

    You might just find that you don't need her as much as you thought you did. Oh, and there's a really cute brunette who's been asking about you.

    Suddenly, things are looking up...
     
  7. katt_85

    katt_85 OT Supporter

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    Hanging around = further heartache.

    Cute Brunette = Yum
     
  8. katt_85

    katt_85 OT Supporter

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    Seriously, maybe it is time to let her go, and move on to better things. And to do that , no , you cannot be friends. That only works in some rare situations. Take some time to be single , and have fun with it ! Go to the bar with your buddies ( Yes, call your buddies, have an "Im single and need to get drunk " night. Friends will know the right things to say , usually, to make you feel better. ) Flirt with some girls, have a good time.
     
  9. katt_85

    katt_85 OT Supporter

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  10. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    scorched earth policy. It sucks, it hurts. It's the only way to move on.

    If she cares for you, then she too will set you free. You are not her security blanket. If you allow that type of friendship, or relationship you are in fact her door mat. Notice the difference?

    I've been one, all too often in my 35 years.

    5 years, a decade, perhaps never, you may be able to be friends. Not now when the wounds are too fresh, and hurt is too strong.

    If you are unable to permanently destroy all remnants of reminders of her, then put them out of sight.

    remove her information from your phone, outlook profile, messenging services etc.

    and finally, ask yourself this: "Do you really want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?" IF you love her as you say, and it is a pure, and unselfish love, then eventually you'll be able to truely be happy for her no matter whom she is with.

    It's very difficult to reach that state, especiallly when the wounds are this fresh, and we only want to wallow in our own loss. Experience that loss, feel it. Heal, and move on. Don't reach out to her though. The time for that is over. She knows how you feel. Hammering that point home won't do any good.

    Being her safety net at this point isn't really what she wants either. She may think so, but in the end she'll just lose respect for you and take advantage of you and/or the situation.

    Find another focus to help your mind retrain your heart.

    Be it working out, school, new hobbies, self help reading, whatever.

    I've tried a ton of healthy, and unhealthy coping methods in my past. Luckily for me, I've survived them all. :hs:
     
  11. silver4dracs

    silver4dracs New Member

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    What I keep hearing is that if it was meant to be she will come back, is this correct? I mean is there ever a possibility of her returning with good intentions? To me its like I lost a soul mate or a least my perception of a soul mate. I feel like I am beating a dying horse that refuse to let die. I find myself litteraly in tears several times a day. I am trying to understand what happened, and if it was my fault or if she is just finding herself without me, I still cant believe she is running away from me. All I ever hear in my head is what she said to me all the time "don't ever leave me, I want to be with you" and "I wish we met each other later"
     
  12. tigerlily

    tigerlily Spoiled brat.

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    This is what it sounds like to me:
    Although you may love her still, she has come to a point in her life where she felt like she needed to explore her options. And breaking it off completely with you is too hard, as you two have spent alot of time together. So instead she takes whatever she can get from you, a phone call or letter, anything that lets her know you are still in love with her. Basically she wants to keep you close by, because she knows how well you two get along, just in case things dont work out for her in the future. Now there is nothing wrong with ex's being mature adult friends, however there is something wrong with not letting each other go. It will only cause heartbreak and who knows, maybe it will cause you to miss out on a great relationship because you are still wanting to be with your ex. And thinking about what could have been...

    Personally, if my SO had ever cheated on me, I would walk away. I couldnt stand to think about it every time I saw him. It would be too hard:hs: If she found someone else, it wasnt your fault. She walked away from you.

    Just remember, you are still the same person without her as you were with her. Time will heal all wounds. Best of luck to you and if you ever need to talk, Im here.
     
  13. johan

    johan Active Member

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    So it looks to me like you can't absorb the long version, just yet. So here it is in point form instead.

    * She's not your soulmate. You're still feeling raw from the loss.
    * She's not coming back. If she does try to come back - temporarily - it will only hurt you more if you let her use you.
    * You're a good guy - just not the one for her. Not now, not later.
    * If she does change her mind later, great. You can't make that happen.
    * Be yourself, don't change for her.
    * Stay busy, don't see her. It hurts LESS, believe me.
     
  14. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    it is extraordinarily rare for someone to even be able to manage friendship with an ex. it requires far more maturity than most american's have, and far more sincere, and honest selfless love for the other person to be able to do it.

    yes, you are reeling from the sense of loss, and not considering her side. not that you should necessarily consider her side anylonger, as she has left you with nothing but memories, and the wonder if any of it was ever real.

    there are several stages to grief. yes you are in grief/mourning. make sure you don't deny your feelings.

    from rage, to sorrow, to misery, to a lack of trust at the world, etc, etc. experience those feelings, just don't do it with her. She is not now your support.

    I have two very very powerful ex relationships from my past. (truth be told, many many more, but two that stand out as life altering)

    one, I have managed to reconnect with and am sincerely happy for her. And am sincerely at the point where I consider us friends. The other is still living a lie, and while I care for her, and wish her no ill will, I can not to this day be around her. The lies slip off of her tongue more easily than the truth, and it just makes me feel bitter, and used.

    you will survive this. take a look at yourself. you are grief stricken, and driven to tears on as you say, a daily basis.

    but, you are not with her right now, and you continue to get up each day. you continue to some extent go about your normal daily routine. as each day passes, and more normalcy returns it will become easier to face the world, and to even think about someone else to share your life with, or even a portion of your life.

    in the mean time, you as I said will need to experience a whole host of emotions. you may try a variety of coping mechanisms, some healthy, some not.

    been there done that.

    nearly drank myself into the grave. nearly killed myself in a rage filled excursion at 120+ mph on a two lane road after a break-up. went through 12 women in 12 months in my youth as "rebounds" or grudgefucks. I still regret that as many of those women didn't deserve the treatment I gave them, it wasn't their fault that they happened to come into my life after I had my heart ripped out.

    my advice to you is to try the healthiest of coping mechanisms. from working out, to focusing on your goals, be it education, financial, spiritual. continue seeking support from those that can't/won't hurt you. continue to post here, none of us can really hurt you, as this is relatively anonymous. seek out friends, family, colleagues if they're close enough, and/or even counselling.

    if you elect to pursue women, as a man-dog, don't lie, or lead them along. those women you grudgefuck aren't the ones who hurt you.

    at this point, let her know that it hurts you too much to even consider friendship as an option right now, and that you would hope for the sake of whatever love/affection you may have had in the past, that she would honor your request and not use you as a doormat/safetynet/(insert less offensive phrase here)
     
  15. silver4dracs

    silver4dracs New Member

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    So the only reason she went out with me was to drag me along and continue to be her fish on the pole? I sware the entire time I was with her that night her body language was speaking a different story. The minute I questioned her actions she instantly became defensive and I could see right through her words. The entire night she was touching me very similar to when we were together. If I had continued to mess around with her I would have been able to have sex with her. I am so confused from the messages she is sending. I know I sound like a pathetic idiot that is being taken advantage of, but I want to believe that she is not that kind of person at heart. I mean if she was so into her new man why would she need me to fulfill anything for her? Shit If i was with a new girl, I wouldn't think twice about not seeing her knowing it might ruin what new thing I had. She blatently lied to this new guy saying she was going out with friends. Sorry for the ranting, but I literally need to be walked entirely through this, my brain is just not thinking straight. I keep analysing the entire situation and am coming to the conclusion that she is really confused and that she will try to come back to mess with me or really give it a shot. I think she is immature and sees my real value but isn't sure If I have what it takes to make her happy forever, being that I am her first real love.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2005
  16. gubment cheese

    gubment cheese New Member

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    maybe there was an argument with the new man or she found out the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. either way, she was just checking to see if that "safety net" was still there for her. she has nothing to lose really, and once she saw that she could get you back with no problem, she was done with you again. she is second guessing herself and wants the security blanket that you should not be.

    there is no way that this girl is worth you putting your life on hold for (i'm sure she's great and all).

    My wife of 11 years (and mother of my 3 children) divorced me 2 months ago. She had found someone else, and believe me I hurt badly. I am still healing from the betrayal i feel i have suffered, but I have recently realized that I could not be her security blanket either. I love this woman in a way I may never love another, and she would not spreak to me for weeks at a time. When she did call me, she knew that I would break down and beg her to come back (during our 3 month separation before the divorce). She would hug and kiss me, and I would start to tell her how much I still cared for and loved her - even if she had cheated on me. By the time I had convinced her that I wanted to have our family back together, she backed off and said she would possibly be able to get back together in a couple of years or so.

    I finally told her that I couldnt wait for her anymore...and i feel much happier now.
     
  17. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    one can never really understand what motivates others. even when they tell you, it must be filtered through a whole series of "realities".

    one of my ex's, neither of the two I referenced by the way, said that the best sex she ever had was the weekend she broke up with me. she dumped me on a friday, but I was 4 hours from my house, and stayed thru the weekend anyway.

    the last good by fuck she orgasmed very very completely, and violently. tis neither here nor there, but the point is I guess, that one never really knows why one does what they do.

    perhaps it's a way of saying good bye, perhaps it's wanting to cling a little to what once was.

    and scrap that notion of "making her happy" - or for that matter her making you happy.

    you won't find your eternal happiness in anyone else. period. people change, they evolve. find happiness inside yourself, and try to find someone else who is also inwardly happy, open, and honest. at that point you may find that you are able to evolve together, and make things work.
     
  18. silver4dracs

    silver4dracs New Member

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  19. silver4dracs

    silver4dracs New Member

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    Did you ever hear or see from her again? If so was it intimate?
     
  20. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    Ask her to marry you.
     
  21. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    a bit funny how life plays out. I was her first, and broke her heart 3 years before hand. We reconnected a couple of years later, and had a very good 6-7 months together when she then dumped me.

    that particular "good bye" was so far final. it was in fact the last time I saw her, touched her, or even spoke with her.

    I hear that she's in New York, doing off-broadway junk these days. Her family still lives only about 5 minutes from mine, but our families never ran in the same circles. It's been something like 12-13 years since that Sunday afternoon. (I'm 35 years old, if you are trying to do the math)

    it would be overstating the obvious to mention that I have learned my very painful relationship lessons in life first hand.

    pretty much certain that I'm bi-polar, which doesn't help. makes the good times seem much better than they probably were, and the bad/dark times that much worse. :hs:
     
  22. silver4dracs

    silver4dracs New Member

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    So I should never call her again? Under zero circumstance? What if she calls me?
     
  23. Reign

    Reign Banned

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    I agree with this. Might totally throw her off guard.
    Tell her you wanna see her again and have the ring and all that shit... it'd be crazy. Possibly like some sort of T.V. show.
     
  24. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    re-reading your post. she obviously isn't ready to fully let go. she's testing the waters.

    personally, I'd let her know that she needs to jump in with both feet, if she wants to test those separation waters, she's going to get soaked, as it's not fair to you, that she stands on your head, pushing you under that water while she swims. (sorry, I get carried away with analogies sometimes)

    And that you can't be her consolation prize, or her doormat. that if she elects to leave you, that it's just too painful for you to consider your relationship as a current friendship, but that you do care for her, and wish her happiness; and the hope that someday you can be friends, as you do only want for her to be happy.

    but in the mean time, you need to find your own happiness, and would hope that she would respect that; and understand that it's too painful to hear of her good times, and bad, and not be really fully a part of either.

    if she calls, play it by ear. but be very very very very very wary. the timing is just too recent.
     
  25. Jester

    Jester OT Supporter

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    Nobody can know if something like this will work, but remember that real life is not like the movies. I would wager that this is not the way to go.

    I have been in love before, but I have seen true love happen to others. When that happens, you won't need to analyze the situation like you are now.

    Maybe you were meant for each other, in that moment. Keep that moment, treasure that moment, but leave it as it is: a moment. You will always be the only one to know certain things about her; treasure that as well. Always look fondly on your time spent with her, but realize that that time has most likely passed.

    She will always be a part of who you are, as you will always hold a place in her heart. But people, and their hearts, have a way of changing.

    You need to accept that your path to happiness is a winding one, and that it is taking a turn. Turn with it and you will find love again, and you will find it more than once. Perhaps you will find true love.

    But in hanging on to yesterday's sunset, you might miss sunrise tomorrow.
     

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