SRS Escalatng a Fight??

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Avenger97, Sep 17, 2008.

  1. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    Hey all , just want to get some input on something that happened last week..

    Now before i get into it , i do take responsibility for my actions, and don't agree that everything i did was right.. it got downright dangerous , and that shouldn't have happened. i know what i did wrong, just trying to see if anyone knows why it escalated like this ??

    OK , so basically me and the GF have been fighting almost non-stop for the past few weeks . To give a lil back story to it ( and yes i know everyone has said leave and all that many times.. don't need to hear it again) Money is generally the problem and that spills over into other things. Also she has again gotten close to her girlfriends , and now every Friday night has been girls night , which i generally don't have a problem with once in a while.. but as of this Friday its been 11 straight weeks . usually leaving me stuck home watching her kids. I would like to go out with her, or alone , but with the money issues, it just is not feasable . She always tells me that her friends pay for everything and she doesnt spend a dollar ( not sure i totally believe that)

    So as for last Monday , i called the electric company to get a payment arrangement set-up ( because she wasn't working , i couldn't pay all the bills on my own, and they were gonna shut us off) i went and set it up , with a 55 dollar payment due in 2 weeks , and we'd be ok. called and let her know it was all set , and she flipped out , saying she just paid 56 dollars 3 weeks ago.. this escalates out of control.. she comes home shortly after, screaming at me the whole ride home on the phone , then soon as she walked in . im like forget this. i have been busting my ass all day , and i come home to this 10 mins after i get out?? This is what the electric company wants.. deal with it , or deal with no lights. she tries to blame it all on me saying i didn't call when she made the initial arrangement , and its my fault .. then tells her daughter ( 5 years old) to her face.. that I'd rather mommy paid the bills, than got her school supplies (which this has nothing to do with , the bill aren't getting paid , because she wasn't working , and i cant pay it all on my salary)

    At that point i was done.. your not going to disrespect me , and teach your kids to do the same.. its just not right. So i walk out the door.. hop in my car and proceed to back into the driveway to turn around . At this point she comes out.. with her 2 kids watching from the porch . and puts her foot under my tire as i go to leave, stopping me.. i just said.. let me go and cool off. but she now wants to use my car to go shopping ( her car that i got her under my name and credit was repo'd 3 weeks ago , because she didn't pay it, now she has a beater that isn't registered)

    I just wanted to cool off.. it was getting way to heated and there was no need for it.. she wasn't gonna move though.. eggin me on to hurt her in front of her kids.. stuff like that.. so i backed up a bit more.. cut the wheel hard away from her , and tried to go around her (slowly, like 2-3 mph).. now here is where things got fuzzy for me , with all the emotion and adrenaline going , i tried to go.. she says i still clipped her foot ( not like im trying to hurt her , i was trying to get away) at which point she screamed at me.. and smashed my driver side view mirror off the car... and i just hit the gas and wanted to get away from the situation.. when i hit the gas.. it being a rock-covered driveway , they went flying all over , with her kids standing near all this , and i left in a cloud of tire smoke ..

    again i know its not ok to act that way.. esp when the whole friggn neighborhood heard and saw all of this.. my problem lies within why did she have to escalate it.. and then egg me on.. come on .. try to hurt me.. and this and that.. why bring it to that level, it doesnt prove anything.. and just made things so much worse..

    for the time being im home at my parents.. she is still there.. not really talking much .. she said she was sorry for the mirror.. never went to the dr for the supposed foot injury. i told her i was sorry for any pain i may have caused , but she didn't have to stand there and try to block me, that doesn't prove anything. and that i was sorry if any of the rocks hit the kids.. it wasn't intentional , and they shouldn't have been there to begin with. none of it should have happened..

    i just don't get it ???

    she has tried this before... but never to this extreme.. i know when a fight is just getting out of hand , and i need to cool off ( and no for those who are thinking it , i have never laid a finger on her or anyone else) she has stood behind my car.. reached in and took my keys and threw them in the woods , and also done the foot under the tire thing before.. but not as extreme as this..

    i am just at a total loss for it .. why did she have to escalate it to this level???
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    You guys aren't working as a team to solve the problems, you people are just blaming eachother which will resolve nothing to no end.

    Emotional problems within people are always caused by concrete problems outside in their world, its a reaction on whats happening outside. So the moment the outside problems are being solved, is the moment the inside problems are solved. Its corny to say but

    Money is the root of all evil, in your case that's definitly true.

    What you need is 'a financial plan'

    Although usually finances are 'very private' and no one wants to put out their dirty laundry outside. I advice you to write down here your costs and income and list all eventual debts that you have standing out. So we can make a decent financial plan for you.

    In my assesment its better that your GF starts working too, and the kids should be attending kindergarten, while you two work. Her working is a big deal, two things one, she will be too occupied to leash out at you, it will be a relief for her not constantly being bothered by the kids, and second the extra income will improve the situation for both of you.

    Don't worry too much about escaping, i know what it feels like being driven up a wall , you become a completely different human being and stressed as a result of it. But you two have to start solving problems together as a team, refuse to play along with the 'blame game'.
     
  3. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    thanks for the reply.. yea i can agree we need to work better as a team , but after several months of stressin myself out of my mind , trying to make ends meet, and she has done nothing about it... to the point where she was ok with me not paying my car.. having it repo'd and losing my job... long as she got what she wanted.. i just dont feel that is fair at all..

    dunno.. i just dont get it right now..
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I feel that a relationship must be a mutual investment, both have to work for it. I mean i also think that she has been very stressed as well as you. I think its definitly time for both of you to get into action and get this situation solved.

    My question tho, are you working now?
     
  5. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    yes im working.. make a good wage ( Mid 40's) .. and do 40 hrs a week..

    as for a budget.. i agree.. i have sat down .. made one up.. very detailed , as to what she needed to do per week , to make sure we'd have enough to live , and pay all of our bills on time every month.. she saw it , agreed, but in the end , it never happened. There were numerous excuses ranging from My kids need food , clothes, etc... to my job ( as a pizza delivery driver , then a waitress at a pizza place) not making enough tips for the week.. to i need this.. or whatever random excuse she could come up with.. yet she was always able to go out on friday night.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2008
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    40k isn't that incredibly bad, whats up with all the money problems then? one would think 55 dollars should be payable. Look i know you don't want to spit your gut out, but a problem that isn't discussed cannot be solved, the car that got repo'd suggest there are debt problems of some kind. You don't have to tell if you don't want to tho.
     
  7. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    i'll try to make it as brief as i can.. basically the money problems have been goin on for quite some time.. gotten really bad in the past year or so.. with her on / off work habits.. i have had to really extend my pay, and also my Credit.

    all the while trying to be the good boyfriend and do nice things for her.. including the car , which she promised me , she would always be able to pay.. and from the 1st month we had to pay it.. she couldnt come up with the money.. and its just been a scramble for her to try to do it every month.. eventually falling 6+ months behind.. and borrowing from family to pay it for the past 2 months.. untill she just couldnt do it. and the bank finally took it

    personally it showed me a huge lack of personal responsibility and a feeling that no matter what i'd always save her.. which i did for a long time.. now htat i dont have the reseves to do that ( due to doing it for so long ) she still continues the bad habits.. and comes up with an excuse for everything.. becomes incredibly frustrating.
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Or in other words she squanders money. . . The person who is 'the most financial responsible' should be doing the finances. Its better to just give her a set amount of 'household money' each month, then constantly trying to save her ass.

    Look Avenger, you have to do the RIGHT thing, before you do the NICE thing. Its a part of being an mature adult that you sometimes need to make nasty decisions that in the long run is the best decision for everyone.

    She doesn't look like she can handle money, lots of woman have a hole inside of their hands.

    The money needs to goto the 'right goals' otherwhise you're going to be into trouble. She is immature with money to at least some extend, and needs to learn to use the money for purposefull means.

    Its actually really old fashionate, but just using a pen and paper on a household keeping book, which notes what expenses have been made, what income has been brought in can give a clear oversight, in the old days men used to give only a set amount of month of money each month to their wives because they know that whatever amount of money they would give to the woman, it would be gone.

    Well nowadays that both woman and men work things have changed, and i wouldn't want to push such a situation onto anyone. But for your situation it sounds ideal to be more old fashionate with money in comparison to that what you are doing now.

    Look , i know you are a beautifull person in your heart in that you would want to give an entire car to your gf, but you're going overboard with your wallet, if you look at it from a financial perspective ,its not doing the responsible thing. Would you demand a car from your partner? Its insane, you shouldn't give things that are beyond your means. Ok its true, since you didn't know your partner was financial responsible or not , you gave her the benefit of doubt. But it would have been better to see over time first if she was responsible with money or not before giving her the car, and still even then its a very questionable gift, because cars are a bad investment. They only cost money then don't bring any money. Its different if the car was used for a job but that wouldn't apply for your situation. You need to get rid of those unstable factors in your life. Only focus on that what is concrete and realistic,because your only biting your own ass in the end if you don't.
     
  9. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    No i definitly understand what your saying.. yea i prob went overboard on it, to begin with , i fell into the " single mother who is down on her luck" trap.. did what i could for her, back when i was very able to make those kind of purchases.

    over time i have been able to see more of the situation , and seeing how things are im seeing that she isnt the person that i thought she was, at least in the financial sense.. i am really starting to feel disrespected.. and she knows this.. i have expressed it numerous times.. along with the money issues , and the wanting to be out all the time with friends.. the car being taken was a big deal for me, along with now our cell phones turned off , due to her squandering the rent money , and i have had to use my last 4 paychecks for hte rent to keep a roof over our ( now her) head, but nothing else got paid.
     
  10. MrMakaveli

    MrMakaveli Loyal to the game

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    finances are a top reason for relationship failure .. sort it out and work as a team on that topic or its overrr
     
  11. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    That is still my goal at this point.. realistically what it comes down to , is to live the lifestyle she wants.. she has to work. problem is , the jobs she chooses are generally part time , low wage + tips jobs.. and im sorry but she just isnt cutting it.

    Currently she is waitressing ~30 hrs a week at a pizza place.. paycheck is generally 100-120 bucks.. and maybe 20-40 a day in tips. That is just not helping enough, the tip money i really never see , she usually blows that by the end of that day, and the paycheck is generally just paying for her child care so she can work.. Prior to this job , she was delivering pizza at domino's, again it was just a low hourly wage + tips , but most of her money was going to putting gas into the car, some days she was actually paying to work there.

    I have told her many times.. look , look and look some more.. and she looks.. maybe even gets an interview or 2.. and either will have a good interview. but then blow off another .. and nothing ever comes out of it.

    i have laid down a budget , and took all the bills into consideration , and split it in half.. told her what she needed to make per week to make ends meet, she looked at it all and agreed and promised she could do it.. and it just never happened..

    its just beyond frustrating...:wtc::hsd:
     
  12. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    To me it also sounds like a type of self destructive behaviour, its in hindsight but prior the whole situation you could have asked yourself 'what is it that has caused her to become a single mom in the first place?' answer = irrisponsible behaviour, in this case.

    Personally i think you should stop being the nice guy and start focusing on doing what's necessary first. The saying is that ' a rich man can afford to live in a barrel but a poor man cannot afford to live in a villa', she'll need to realise that it requires money to live this supposedly luxurious lifestyle that she wants to live.

    I wouldn't expect her to be able to achieve anything. Im sorry to say it but she is trash, its time for you to do the responsible thing and take the matter into your own hands. If i where you id do the job searching for her, and then just put her in place in some sort of office job like a puppet. Which will bring in a lot more money, and force some sort of education on her so that she will improve with her life. Given its not the 'nice thing' to do, but it is the right thing versus how she is wasting her life away at some pizza hut.

    She's unreliable, you can't depend on her.
     
  13. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    You need to never talk to her again.
    You made a TON of mistakes in this relationship.
    Learn from them and move on.
     
  14. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    cliffs: she doesn't work but still goes out every friday ("they pay" is a lie), she doesn't work but still goes out shopping, she uses her kids to guilt you into doing things, she is teaching her kids to disrespect you, she broke your car because she's mad at you, she used the threat of hurting herself (putting her foot under your tire) to try to control you, and she made you do something you didn't want to do in front of her kids to get away from her.

    and you want to stay in this relationship, why?
     
  15. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    my question as well

    it would be one thing if she seemed willing to work on things as a team and improve whats going on. she obviously is not. you keep bailing her out of these financial situations, and she isnt learning how to spend wiser, shes learning that when she fucks up, someone will save her. you are enabling her and its not healthy for her, her children or you

    so the answer to your question of why did she let is escalate? cause she can. cause she knows she will win. cause she knows you arent going anywhere and she can treat you however she likes
     
  16. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    yep.

    the answer to "why did she have to escalate it to this level???" is "because it works."
     
  17. 1.8t

    1.8t Member

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    You are being walked on like a door mat in this relationship. Find your balls and be a man...
     

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